I did not have this experience before. When I have thought of her, it is always stern and judgemental. I tend to think of her in terms of energy (grace).
When I first found out about Siddha Yoga I related to Baba, not Gurumayi. I have issues with women. I'm a tomboy who grew up to spend time mostly with men.
Perhaps it's so simple. My mother didn't show me love. My guru doesn't love me. I picture an umbrella keeping her love out, because women don't love me.
Wrong! I feel her love.
When I visited the Santa Cruz Center for the first time, and her picture on her chair seemed so welcoming, I felt her love. When she first came to me, (when I was considering visiting "the tour" when she came to town), and she asked me, "won't you come be with me?," I felt her love. When she "returned" a week later to check on me, and asked "is that your lunch?" of the frozen pseudo food I had prepared, I felt her love for me. And when I longed during a chant at the Los Gatos Center to chant at Shree Muktananda Ashram, I felt her love for me.
Her love got me to the ashram eight months after my shaktipat.
Of course she loves me. She fills me with her shakti, her love.
O my guru, melt my painful old feelings of unworthiness, I pray. Let them dissolve into the divine shakti energy of my beloved Paramashiva. Om shanti shanti shanti.