Sunday, June 30, 2013

Farewell to my computer

I'm thinking, this plus a tower in front of the couch???
Or another laptop??? (I hate desks).

My old computer has finally bit the proverbial dust. I'm shopping about, but I am very particular. Hopefully I'll be fully digital again soon.

Be happy. All is well.

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Monday, June 24, 2013

Birthday bliss

Happy happy birthday... a happy day of birthday BLISS to my guru, who's love and grace is everything and everything to me forever.

I love you.

~ jana


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

My post on Hindu Dharma Forums

Hari Hara - Vishnu Shiva
Paramashiva as Hari Hara
(Vishnu-Krishna / Shiva)


I too love Jnaneshwar, and cherish my copy of Jnaneshwar's Gita, always within reach.

I too love Lord Krishna with all my heart. His song is my delight. I worship Him.

Brother Eknath, I touch your feet!

Here is my Supreme Lord, Paramashiva, living as flowers and nectar on every branch.

Truly I worship Hari Hara, and there my heart belongs.

jnana shiva

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Every day

Morning aarti Veranasi India
You are so close, my Beloved
Oh God, I am in misery. Misery...

Why must I burn like this, for You, every day...?

You are all I care about, think about, search for with these eyes, this body. You are everything, and all of this... You're all of me, and yet, we are somehow still apart.

I fall into You, then fall out!

Where is the secret? I am so sure I have found it when I fold myself over You like chocolate on a s'more. I feel myself melting... (my marshmallow heart...).

What, again? I have taken the shape of this cup of ego. I think I'm a half-empty cup. Absurd.

What is the secret? I am so sure I know it every time we are ONE. Then I wake up alone and have to call out to You.

There You are on my TV! Stop toying with me.

Open (and open) and show me the one door I can walk through and stop looking for You. It's only polite.

Morning aarti Varanasi India
Everyone knows You are right here...

Saturday, June 15, 2013

I just stopped

Lord Krishna
O my Lord... Narayana, Vasudeva... How I long for You

My sadhana has been turned on its head. Sadhana is doing... spiritual practices, austerities.

I am not focusing on doing anything.

"Is it enough to know that I am Yours, and You are mine?"


I bring this phrase to mind, and it stops all movement, all "directing" of the stream of my life. I let God fill each moment. I let God ripple and eddy, slip past in the narrow current, bringing more God and more God...

My guru offers much for those who do, who need an action to focus on. She offers a theme for each day in June (today is Joyfulness). I am not pursuing these qualities. I am pursuing or rejecting very little.

Lord Krishna statue
You call, dear Krishna, and my heart takes flight
This is a little different from how I have perceived my beloved Lord Krishna's Karma Yoga (following dharma or duty while remaining unattached to the fruits of action). I am used to thinking of dharma as dictated by right action and obligation to others, i.e. family, society (and "caste").

Instead, I have found myself in this dharma of the now, which is how to love myself, give myself (at last) all this room to breathe, to be and to act as whomever or however I am – and simply want to act –
without editing or interruption... exactly so.

There is room in life for me to be how and who I am; room for error, room for missteps... as I learn to let each step find the way forward.

No amplifying or minimizing. No running after or running away from. No adding up more or lumping together less. 

Life offers in every moment a source of action that has its own logic. I can allow it without choosing or not choosing, acting or not acting. 

It just is.

Stop. I just stopped.

"Me...," I whisper. "Pick me..."

Friday, June 14, 2013

Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Only my body holds me here

Only my love for You remains

This poem wrote itself in under five minutes, one of my best ever.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Is it enough to know?

Aarti, Dasaswamedh Ghat, Varanasi
Dasaswamedh Ghat, Varanasi
Little touches. You come to me, inside, with little touches of divine love, bhakti, and the warmth of this chaste love, small little touches of fire I know as You.

And I have learned. Don't jump, or grasp. (Don't hold on, don't push away...)

Do not attempt to wrestle and pin God (to the ground)!

I feel and acknowledge Your touch, pranam. But there is no "do" to let You in, to breathe a little easier, to feel a little more golden.

Is it enough to know
That You are mine 
and I am Yours?


~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

Aarti, Dasaswamedh Ghat, Varanasi
The sweetest nectar,
waits inside...

He is the rock star of Brahmins, the flame of the aarti, the shakti so strong in him that he seems to be far away, journeying within, pulling me inward, I find him inside as my Beloved (we are One). 

Monday, June 10, 2013

She is my home

I awoke early, sitting on the couch I could see a delicate pink cloud in the sky. I went out onto the patio and the sky was beautiful with whispy, billowy clouds painted a warm pink in alternating waves.

Immediately I had the darshan (experience, presence) of the ashram. I had just offered puja to Shiva, and prayed to the guru, please return your grace to me, please return me to your grace.

I remembered other times when the darshan of the ashram came to me, quite a few. For the first time(?), I realized the guru gives me her darshan, reaches out to me as "the ashram." This is a high teaching. She and the ashram are one.

When I moved away from the ashram, Bade Baba wouldn't acknowledge me in the temple, praying for his blessing. Instead, as I walked through the Anugraha lobby, he gave me an experience of the ashram as alive with sacred shakti, made of living consciousness, the very walls and floors, even the umbrellas waiting by the door.

(I remember when I first came to the ashram, and I had this experience. The "darshan" hallway and the funny phone booths).

On this level, I did not "leave" the ashram. For the rest of my life, I will only leave the ashram when I am mistaken about this, when I think I have. The ashram is not far away, and it is not (only) a place. It is my guru's shakti and grace. She is my home, and this will never change.

I need her grace, I cannot take it for granted or she might take it away, teaching me before it can return again.

I lost my focus. I am not bad. As many times as it takes, I choose to begin again.

A dream about the NOW

Naveen Andrews
I dreamed of NA. We were together. But instead of giving his attention to me, he began to focus only on my (male) friend. It was a very specific kind of "conversation," which approximated, but did not really consist of intimacy.

I was somewhat jilted, acting as though I was not, still hopeful. Making conversation about the similar, but subtly different pastel threads in a piece of fabric I have woven, which he had showed interest in (my sadhana? He is interested in my sadhana).

Naveen AndrewsMy male friend was passive, unfocused, ambivalent. Whatever.

NA was sensual, spontaneous, different motivation and needs than mine, oblivious to mine (as the drama of life seems by nature to be "oblivious of" my wishes and desires, which I take personally, "whatever...")

I was saying, "Me, give your love to me." NA was saying "What's next? What's next in life?" My friend was saying, "I don't care, whatever."

Naveen Andrews

Ah! I have been "suffering" with ambivalence, and emptiness, following a period of intense "love" and longing for "NA" (God).

I grasped and held onto the intense feelings of passion and longing, creating karma.

Now I am pushing away the emptiness and regret of post-passion, the intense karma of all that intense grasping. This pushing away creates... what else? More karma.

Thank God for guru's grace. It is great, beyond any limitation. It burns up my karmas faster than I can make them.

What's next? What's next in life? NA's (God's) question frees me, keeps me in the now, and opens me to whatever life brings without grasping or pushing away.

What's next? What's next in life?

Visit my fansite/blog for Naveen Andrews

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Without Krishna I cannot sleep ~ Mirabai

Krishna shares his flute
with His beloved Radha
Without Krishna I cannot sleep.
Tortured by longing, I cannot sleep,
And the fire of love
Drives me to wander hither and thither.
Without the light of the Beloved
My house is dark,
And lamps do not please me.
Without the Beloved my bed is uninviting,
And I pass the nights awake.
When will my Beloved return home?

What shall I do? Where shall I go?
Who can quench my pain?
My body has been bitten
By the snake of “absence,”
And my life is ebbing away
With every beat of the heart.

My Lord when will you come
To meet your Mira?

When, my Lord,
Will you come to laugh and talk with me? 

~ Mirabai

The great poet-saint Mirabai (c.1498–c.1557) was a princess, Hindu mystic, and devotee of Lord Krishna who lived in Rajasthan, India. She had a major influence on the Vishnaiva bhkati (devotional) movement of her time. Her many devotional songs, called bhajans, remain popular to this day.

It all becomes One

This is very fine wisdom, a wish-fulfilling gem I keep re-discovering in my once star-crossed hand: ...oh!! Then "lost" again when I grasp myself in fear.

So. I am human. I have cycles. Sometimes contracted, compulsive, fearful.

My fear speaks. It tells me that feeling contracted means I have lost my way, that my ego and sleepy habit are robbing me of my commitment to return to God.

Bull crap.

Swamiji likened it to the teeter totter. Children at play love to go UP! And yet, they also love to come down. Coming down always happens before going up.

Swamiji said that the difference wasn't that an enlightened person didn't have ups and downs. It was that they didn't last anywhere near as long because they were not resisting or grasping at the hills and valleys of their experience.

This is the highest truth I know: it is all consciousness. The thought that I am separate from God is consciousness. The thought that I am ruining anything ever, or forever, is consciousness.

When I remember this, it all becomes One.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The oldest

I worship You, God. I worship You as this fire inside, your warmth pressing outward I am salty and sun-kissed in this tropical heat. I look up to catch you just so in the rays of the sun, and smile... closing my eyes, a universe inside, (epiphany!), the deep field of your crown is royally cast with stars made just so, speeding outward to the edges of these latent gills, still fragrant with seaweed and the last reel of celluloid.

I have been cast in a new role, very old (the oldest), this starring role. Only for forever...

I love You.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

Encounters with my guru

Pranam and pranam I touch my prayer hands to my forehead where you left your mark, pressed with "the touch" of my physical Guru, "alone" in the dark, her door locked and never opened when I was there.

I sat before another door and wondered what fool had opened it when we were deep in meditation... she came in dripping velvet shakti, as always, stepping right out of her deep meditation.

Her feet. Her bare feet and ankles just visible beneath her warm saffron silk. I joined the slow moving, barely audible throng respectfully filing into the Muktananda Mandir, looking at my shoeless feet as I enjoyed the special feeling of many disciplined yogis holding their shakti close... and looking at my feet I saw hers moving next to mine, brown and graceful, beautiful, my Guru is next to me... and I am not looking at her. Grace, we walked together, I did not look up.

Her step. Leaving the temple she is arriving, walking towards me, her light steps down the slight incline, so close, I turned and stepped into a row of chairs to sit respectfully until she had bowed to Bade Baba and left.

She laughed during satsang, recounting her fun and joyous adventures flying about the dining hall unseen, tapping on the occasional shoulder. Later in the dining hall, I recalled this to the visitors at my table, and IMMEDIATELY inhaled sharply, smiling and smiling and smiling!!!! An unmistakable TAP-TAP on my shoulder!

She really can fly about, invisible, stirring up fun! My Guru rocks.

I remember the sevite who walked the perimeter with the exquisite scent of burning dhoop so so early in the morning, dressed in white, saying the sacred mantras, acknowledging and honoring the divine shakti that filled the ashram with fire and grace. He recounted a conversation with the Guru before she left for India. She had promised to walk the perimeter here every day while she was away.

I knew that she could.

She joined us for Christmas carols, sitting at a table with some other happy sevites. I stood with others who were standing nearby, and longed for her, LONGED for her so deeply that she slowly, deliberately turned to looked right at me, then as she looked away a tremendous wave of shakti and bliss filled me to overflowing. I was drunk with her shakti and so glad for the pillar next to me to lean against.

We jumped off the shuttle bus at Anugraha. It was spring and we wanted to walk to Atma Nidhi. As we walked into the front lawn area, I looked up and for the first time, in her physical form she was walking towards me, looking right at me. She did not look away or change her pace as she walked up, then by me slowly. I was wearing a black(!) X-Files t-shirt, not unusual for me, but not the usual choice at an ashram. I was filled with dismay, shame, unworthiness, my ego went up in flames as she mirrored my miserable eyes locked with hers in a severe, penetrating gaze.

I was almost in tears. After she had gone by, when we had made it safely to the other side of the road, (she is ever thoughtful), I was suddenly filled with a huge outpouring of blissful shakti and grabbed my friend, squeezing her as we jumped up and down with pure joy and abandon. I felt a tremendous load of karma burnt up and gone, baby, gone. Yes, I literally felt lighter.

Years as a devotee and never speaking to her "in person." The announcement before darshan: those who haven't come for darshan before are invited to come up today. They are also invited to find someone to introduce them to the Guru.

I was burned in the restroom (there's always a "burn"). I tried to fix the paper towels, and failed. I heard as I walked away. "She didn't know what she was doing." Ouch, said my ego, (the know-it-all).

I stepped into line, knowing that it was full on already, that darshan begins as soon as the intention to seek it arises. I slipped the ring of the beloved off of my ring finger, and dropped it into the offering basket as I knelt, then lay in full pranam at the feet of my Guru. I shrug it off now, but she "whacked" me with her peacock feathers (a symbol of her grace) many many times, many more than the others bowing next to me.

Nothing the Guru does is without layers of meaning. Grace is our connection, she was affirming. Not an "in person" relationship. Grace. She knew I would notice the extra "whacks," and that I would ponder it, that it would be special to me. Not in person, but do not think that I don't know or care about YOU.

[Then why do I shrug it off now? Let it in. You know she loves you.]

I looked about for the friend who came to mind for the privilege of introducing me, and immediately ran into her. I instructed her to mention my seva in the Networking Group, which I considered a gift from her grace.

She walked up to my Guru with me, rudely interrupting her and those around her, who were all immediately silent and looking at me. "G______, this is J*na B*ss. She offers her seva in the Networking Group." 

As we walked up, I had wondered if the Guru would say something about my promotion to Network Administrator, my dream come true and very important to me. As my Guru, would she know this was what was in my heart as I approached her, so grateful for this form of her grace?

She said two words, the only words she has ever spoken to me in her physical form. Then she turned her head away (a way of communicating that we don't have a physical relationship). 

The two words? Networking group.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Turning back

“The supreme heaven shines in the lotus of the heart.” 
~ Kaivalya Upanishad

I continue to find it within reach to settle inside of myself as experiencing the play of consciousness, as the eyes of Paramashiva, as the seer rather than the seen, as the knower rather than the known.

(Thank you).

How supremely fortunate I am (oh!).

How supremely fortunate I am to know that this is grace, to experience my return to God as grace, to be softened by this river of grace which pours into me, this upswelling river of fervent gratitude and devotion which I have become, and which is changing the interstitial space between every tiny particle of me, my thoughts and my actions, all changing, all changed.

I feel it still, the balance and direction changing, a shift from the days of turning to God, then turning away... to turning away from God, then turning back.

The eternal tide has changed at last.

(A familiar warmth and bliss affirms this, answers that this is so, inside....)

It is only habit that pulls me back, back into the play of "multiplicity," but the very highest bliss and delight await my return to focus on He who is dark and still inside, who lives inside, is all of me and all of my inner places, where the door of my heart has opened and I know only God is here, formless, still and yet moving with the bliss of spanda, meeting and pouring over my inner worship and love with the bliss of forever, forever and forever...

My Lord...

Sunday, June 2, 2013

No place to go

Naveen Andrews
Juliette Binoche
The English Patient

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for You, not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

Jalaluddin Rumi 
(Translation by Coleman Barks)

I am sitting, and all recedes. I feel so different. For the first time, I feel no need to do, be, go or say. I am completely still, inside and out. It is grace giving me the experience of this amazing state.

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be, I repeat to myself when my mind wants to drift back into action. My mind settles down and I feel no need to change anything at all. I am only barely managing my mind, and all is still.

It is very difficult to describe just how amazing this is. The experience is very sweet, and with a lot of ballast in the stillness. It is profound.

Gone is the impulse to do. Gone! I breathe. That's it.

This is what it is like to be without action inside, the karma yoga lovingly outlined by Lord Krishna in the Gita, the yoga of performing one's dharma (duty) outside while not being attached to the fruits of one's actions (inside).

Naveen Andrews
Juliette Binoche
The English Patient

“I am dying into your mystery, and dying, I am now no other than that mystery.  I open to your majesty as an orchard welcomes rain, and twenty times that.” 

~ Jalaluddin Rumi (1207 - 1273)
(Translation by Coleman Barks)

My Beloved, who is Paramashiva, is coming to me inside as my "crush," Naveen. At the level of consciousness, (and all of this is consciousness), where there is only One, Paramashiva is Naveen and Paramashiva is me. 

[Stalker Free Disclaimer: Don't worry, I realize the Naveen of multiplicity, in the world of the play of consciousness, has his own life that I do not belong in, and nothing about his life belongs in mine (except for his work as an actor and celebrity). I do not know him. If I met this Naveen as anything other than God, i.e. in the world of multiplicity, I would be meeting a stranger].

It is new for me to experience God as though through another aspect or incarnation of His One Consciousness. 

I once had a cat who I had to put down. Someone taught me how to communicate with him inside, in consciousness, so that he could give me his last wishes, a great comfort. Over the years, I have "checked in" with George, and met him inside, where I can recognize his particular presence. We affirm our love and our gratitude.

Now I have reached out inside to my Beloved as Naveen, and God has begun touching me back as "he," my fantasy Naveen made real by God taking this form for me inside during this new stage of sadhana (spiritual work) which is all about the Beloved and burning in the flame of divine yearning.

The Beloved has taken my life as a seeker by storm... by passion.

Who knew? 

This type of burning seems easier, as love is a pleasurable passion. But my passion is for God, and goes deeper than deep. It is beyond pleasure and is almost unbearable at times.

God has come to me inside. He touches me when I get lost, burns me when I search "outside" myself for what I want. He reminds me that He is my body, the sinew and bone, where He surges as my longing through blood and breath, where my tongue (speech) and my eyes (emotions) and my hands (action) and my mind (worship) fall upon Him as the wings of dire certainty from this divine recognition. 

I no longer want anything but my belonging to Him, He fills me with the desire for this oneness with Him.

There is only the Beloved, only this passion play, the play of the One.

My words are for You, my Lord, my Beloved Lord.

Naveen Andrews as Kip
The English Patient

When the sweet glance 
of my true love caught my eyes,
Like alchemy, it transformed 
my copper-like soul.
I searched for Him 
with a thousand hands,
He stretched out His arms 
and clutched my feet.

~ From Thief of Sleep by Jalaluddin Rumi 
(Translation by Shahram Shiva)

The real beloved

Persian Calligraphy

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end. When you find that one, you will no longer expect anything else." 

Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

I awoke to a so sweet, warm and loving good morning from my Beloved, inside... An unmistakable surge of warmth and bliss. God is so creative! He created everything, which of course includes me. He knows how to keep me inside of him, and to live inside of me, for this is all consciousness, His consciousness. And he knows that I love strong emotions and a sense of drama, and so he comes to me in this way.

God is to be worshiped as the One Beloved, dearer than everything in this and next life.

Swami Vivekananda (1863-1902)

Passion... passion and passion, all the day and then the night... I want and I need you and seek in my heart for You, my Lord.

I am alive with this passion! It pours over my mind, pulling my thoughts like an underground river, flowing down, into the center place where it is cool and dark. I close my eyes and so slowly my head moves to one side as the small movements of ecstacy, for I am saturated with You, my Love, I am brimming over with You and Your great love, You, the inventor of love, and its source deep within me forever.

My heart... my heart... my living heart is the temple of passion and fire. I have traveled here through many lifetimes to quietly throw myself on the fire and be consumed by my love of God. He who is my Beloved, the mysterious one, most worthy of all love, the formless who makes of Himself my form. He who is the fire, the offering, and this sacred place.  He who knows no time, yet has has given me endless lifetimes for my return, then knows when to pull me into Himself.

I have been called home.

Fire. His constant touches, inside. He is here, always here, always seeking me, as I seek Him.


“It is part of the nature of every definitive love that sooner or later it can reach the beloved only in infinity.” 

~ Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926)

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