Monday, January 23, 2017

Veil of ash

A Coign of Vantage by Alma-Tadema
I've been hiding from You. I hide from everyone.

I'm afraid of You. You can see right through to where I am hiding. Your gaze is stern, You are stern. You mirror my crisis of worth. My ego filled with full panic, with nowhere to hide.

You burned me for years. You were just about to look at me. Panic. Over and over, you turned your body to face mine, but never your head. Never your gaze. Each time, I was singed, a curl of smoke rising from my veil of ash.

Just enough fire to weaken my fortress. How shall I be released?

Every moment, a crisis of worth. I offer this crisis of worth.

I offer this, my weary ego, my tiny prison of historic battlements, a coign of vantage, my impassable moat disguised as a lazy pool of leisure. I stand at this muddy shore and breathe the wider world, imagine myself roaming there, and try... Again and again. No. No shakti there for me. I cannot. At last I am defeated.

You are my world.

Then, at age twelve, I was encapsulated in the moment when all was lost. The world. My parents. My worth. Only hope survived. I have tended to it all these years, my sanity.

Svaha. I offer the belief that any of this happened to me.

Svaha. I offer ego, I need it no longer. I am here, at your feet.

Svaha. I offer all that I am, to You.

I welcome your gaze, I pray for it. Please gaze into my eyes, into my soul.

Break open the prison.


Monday, January 16, 2017

The scenery moves

I am not moving. My body and the scenery moves.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The quality of Nandi

Nandi Temple in Khajuraho

From an interview with Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

Nandi is a symbolism of eternal waiting, because waiting is considered the greatest virtue in Indian culture. One who knows how to simply sit and wait is naturally meditative. Nandi is not expecting Shiva to come out tomorrow.* He is not anticipating or expecting anything. He is just waiting. He will wait forever. That quality is the essence of receptivity. Before you go into a temple, you must have the quality of Nandi – to simply sit. 

You are not trying to go to heaven, you are not trying to get this or that – you simply sit.

Some Nandis have one leg ready as they wait

People have always misunderstood meditation as some kind of activity. No – it is a quality. That is the fundamental difference. Prayer means you are trying to talk to God. Meditation means you are willing to listen to God. You are willing to just listen to existence, to the ultimate nature of creation. You have nothing to say, you simply listen. That is the quality of Nandi – he just sits, alert.
This is very important – he is alert, not sleepy. He is not sitting in a passive way. He is sitting, very active, full of alertness, full of life, but just sitting – that is meditation.

Brihadiswar Temple Tamil Nadu 

Meditation essentially means the individual person is not doing his own thing. He is just there. Once you are simply there, you become aware of the larger dimension of the existence that is always in action. You become aware that you are a part of it.
Even now you are a part of it but becoming aware that “I’m a part of it” is meditativeness. Nandi is the symbolism of that. He just sits and reminds everyone, “You must sit like me.

*NOTE from Jana: Nandi is Shiva's "vehicle," and is traditionally found at Shiva temples. His qualities are related to the qualities of Shiva, who is often portrayed as the master yogi sitting in meditation. Nandi is also considered a deity in his own right.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Made for this

I return to the mantra after socializing for a few hours.

A feeling of relief in mind and body, and the sweetness like a fragrance in my mind.

I no longer fear I have lost my way, or that I am incapable of real progress.

The mantra makes my being sing. I am made for this.

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