Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Only my body holds me here

Only my love for You remains

~ jnana shiva

I am made of this velvet mystery
An ancient place of worship
Here, in the velvet mystery of my heart

Soham. I am that.

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."
~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

Sunday, July 27, 2014


I see it clearly now. 
My guru is going to love me to death.

My guru is everywhere I look.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Out of the way

I felt you tap on my shoulder last night. Like that time before, that time a preparation for this time, I see.

I recognize that tap.

It is possible I am going to have a relationship with the visible form of the guru.

It doesn't matter.

For the first time in my life, in my sadhana, I am out of the way. I am out of the way of grace. I feel it start in some delicious way, and COMPLETELY RESIST the lifetime habit of grasping the start of it, moving it, augmenting it, making the most of it....

... and by doing that, make it as small as my little ego, tapering out, gone.

The answer is not learning how to grasp it better, longer, farther.

The answer is here. It is this.... watch, be, simply remain where I am, along for the ride. I have finally learned what I must know to accept grace.

It turns out that the real answer is all the work I have done to get to this place, where I can finally let go of "augmenting" and controlling the forces of my life.

I got out of the way.

Vijnana Bhairava: The Manual for Self Realization

Vijnana Bhairava: The Manual for Self Realization, revealed by Swami Lakshmanjoo
Instruction by Swami Lakshmanjoo into the Vijnana Bhairava and its significance...
Vijñāna Bhairava is one chapter in Rudrayāmala Tantra. And another chapter in Rudrayāmala Tantra is Parātriṁśikā. This chapter1 is from the Bhairava point of view. These are not Rudra śāstras nor Śiva śāstras.2 These are Bhairava śāstras–monistic, pure monistic.

Vijnana Bhairava Study set

You already know there are three upāyas, three means. One is superior, the other is medium, and the third one is inferior. The inferior one is called āṇavopāya, the medium is called śāktopāya, and the superior is called śāmbhavopāya.

Śāmbhavopāya is just to maintain awareness in thought-lessness. When you maintain awareness in the organic world3, that is śāktopāya. When you maintain awareness in the elementary world4, that is āṇavopāya–that is breath, breathing, mantra, recitation of mantra, and all these; these are called āṇavopāya.

When you are just in a concentrative mood–that is being in the organic world, without recitation of mantra, without breathing exercises–that is śāktopāya.
When you are maintaining awareness in thought-lessness, that is śāmbhavopāya, superior, supreme.

[In āṇavopāya,] you have to put adjustment of other sources also: sources of breath, sources of mind–everything is there. This is āṇavopāya. In śāktopāya, there is only mind, the functioning of the mind. In śāmbhavopāya, there is not mind also. In śāmbhava, you have to discard the functioning of the mind. It is not mind; it is just to dive in the un-minded state. That is śāmbhavopāya. If you put only the mind, not other sources, that will be śāktopāya. If you put adjustment of the breath, adjustment of a mantra, adjustment of all those things–worship, pūjā–that is āṇavopāya. 

And you have to see [for] yourself which way is śāmbhavopāya, which way would be āṇavopāya, and which would be śāktopāya. That you have to see [for] yourself in this book.5

Actually these processes are meant for masters. These are not meant for students. This is a book for masters.

JOHN: Training guide.

SWAMIJI: Training guide, yes. How to teach people, in which way.6

1. Vijnana Bhairava.
2.Rudra śāstras are mono-cum-dualistic, the Śiva śāstras are dualistic, and the Bhairava śāstras are purely monistic.
3. Swamiji uses the word “organic” to refer to the five organs of cognition (jñanendriyas–smell, taste, sight, touch, and hearing), in the sense of the energy of seeing and the energy of hearing etc., and the three internal organs (antaḥkaraṇa–manas, mind; ahaṁkāra, ego; and buddhi, intellect). [Editor’s note]
4. Swamiji uses the word “elementary” to refer to the five great elements (pañca mahābhūtas–earth, water, fire, air, and ether). [Editor’s note]
5. As long as there is the question of speaking something, we have to speak of one hundred and twelve ways; but, at the same time, we have to know that we have to cross the cycle of one hundred and twelve ways in the end.
6. Be attached to your own practice. It will carry you to śāktopāya and śāmbhavopāya by its own way. There are a thousand ways, and the way that has been selected by your master is the best, is the divine way, for you. [See also Introduction, footnote 13.]

(source: Vijnana Bhairava, The Manual for Self Realization
by Swami Lakshmanjoo, available from our bookstore)
All Content is subject to Copyright © Universal Shaiva Fellowship, John Hughes.

Please join us as a Supporting Member
with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing,
(any amount helps!). Without your help none of our work would be possible.

We are an IRS recognized 501(c)(3) charitable, nonprofit organization
and your donations are fully tax deductible (for US citizens).

Monday, July 21, 2014


So so so so so.... much bliss.

Art by B.G. Sharma

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


I love The Beloved as many things.

The guru is the wish-fulfilling gem, the wish-fulfilling tree. I prayed to my guru over and over, every day...

Please Gurumayi, give _________ the role of his dreams, the project of his heart's desire. Let him stretch creatively as an artist, and be fulfilled by his work. Let him work on a movie or TV series that sends his career to new heights, the heights he desires and deserves as a successful actor (who is also a person of color).

When I prayed, my yearning to give to another (The Beloved) was so strong...

Then one day I felt inside a sudden change, the certainty that she had said yes, she was letting me know that she would, so I could have certainty.

And... he got a part in one of the most amazing projects imaginable, very creative and prestigious, and I am so so so happy! I keep looking at my pic of my guru next to my desk and hugging her feet inside, my heart surges to her.

I am so happy. This means A LOT to me. I must give to my beloved somehow. I MUST.... for that is what love means and does.

Thank you thank you thank you guruji.

Sunday, July 6, 2014


I keep my mind steady, I bring it back to the center over and over. Not a lot of words for the work. Focus my mind, hold the shakti. My mind cannot slip out anymore, I notice my ego reaching, every time. I notice if my shakti slips from the center, and I steady myself.

Steady, steady.

Suddenly I am burning something(s) horrific, for hours and days! My car might need major work, they raised the rent again... the kind of stuff that fills me with anxiety and dread.... and I embrace these feelings, almost impossible... but I do it, over and over. Because I can see that my guru is burning the huge stuff, AND I WANT TO BE FREE.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Internal work

I notice when my ego arises suddenly, stepping up to take credit for an accomplishment large or small. It is a discipline that I have now, combined with grace. I notice and to watch my ego arise without jumping aboard.

Truth be told, my ego is really a pest.

When my mind wants to follow something "difficult" into the past (thinking about it as if it is still present), I have the grace to step away from this old impulse, to stay in the present.

I have had a discipline for a long time now, years I think, where every time I feel hopelessness or self-hatred arise inside, I turn slightly until this feeling goes away.

This is my sadhana. It is internal work. I challenge the samskaras, and grace is dissolving them.

I think my part is that I maintain a steady place inside, my equipoise. Every day a little more firm, more far-reaching. A place for these forms of consciousness to arise in, so I can partake of that steadiness, forming the habit of letting these old habits flow past, as they arise and dissolve.

I don't discuss any of this with anyone. I am not thinking about it, or waiting for it to happen.

This is my sadhana. It's not something I really need to write about, so my posts have become very intermittent. I do want to mention it, because my seva includes sharing my sadhana in this blog.

Be happy, reader. All is well.

This is my sadhana.

~ except for my traffic feed widget ~