Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Only my body holds me here

Only my love for You remains

~ jnana shiva

I am made of this velvet mystery
An ancient place of worship
Here, in the velvet mystery of my heart

Soham. I am that.

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."
~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Arms of bliss

When I see this all as intelligence at play... when the play of multiplicity disappears... it is because I slip into that place in myself.

It is not because I struggle, or practice austerities, or follow the techniques that are the way to freedom for some.

I find the truth in now, and know I am free now.... I am filled with the bliss now.

This is bhakti to me. This is powerful. Bhakti is described as the longest path to liberation, because it is not built on discipline or austerities. I must disagree.

Discipline is letting go of the karmas when they catch on fire, and turning to my Beloved instead.

Divine technique is loving my Beloved first in all things, always first.

Austerities are offering my ego and everything to my guru, every day. Noticing what is limited and letting it go, including things most treasured and loved for lifetimes. Choosing my Beloved instead.

Every time I choose my Beloved, I slip out of maya and into His arms, the arms of bliss.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014


The world is melting around me.

 It is You, all You...

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


It is an attainment to not reach for siddhis* when they arise. This attainment is worth a thousand siddhis. It is real, a place and means of being that is unshaken, even by the gift of magical powers.

This and all attainment comes from grace (sorry ego).

I am steady inside. Things lurch. That's what they do.


Nope. I'm not that. Why did I ever think I was that?

Why did I ever even think I was that? So strange, the things that are falling away.

Inside I am steady. The lurching about, way over here, which means the pendulum had to swing way over there... has finally reached stasis.

For how long, who knows?? One never does, that I do know.

But now I am experiencing solid stillness, with the usual lurching around me, pulling at me.

Occasional slips bring a HUGE BURN. Poof! I am still again.


*"Magical powers" that arise from austerities, spiritual practices such as meditation, yoga, etc.

Monday, November 10, 2014


Fall feels like waking up for me. The long, languid dream of Summer gives way to a nostalgic return to a time of change, of turning inward.

I am burning "good" stuff now, which is a nice break. Times I enjoyed, but still feel too "small," now, if I ever fit in them at all.

Even the expanse into Fall feels too small to me, too concentrated, the way burning feels. Like a pressure from within is pushing outward, pushing on the boundaries I accepted as real, dissolving them in myself. Only, burning limitations I once accepted as "good" aren't usually as painful as burning limiting experiences that were "bad."

Be light, my guru says. Be buoyant, unbound. I will hold you. You can expand into me.

Over and over, the old feeling that arises, "now I can _______," play computer games, eat donuts, sleep, ad infinitum.... these are the lifelong obsessions with finding fulfillment in the world of maya, the illusion of separateness.

Now, because of my guru's grace, I just as often notice this impulse to find fulfillment in some-thing, and immediately turn inside to take God's darshan, to slip into Shiva, dear to him, sure in the knowledge that there is but one answer to a heart that feels empty, and this source is always closer than close.

My Lord Shiva... is what I am made of.

Monday, November 3, 2014

It only ends once

It's time to finish up...

I am in a place where my head is not turned by spiritual experiences. I notice them, and I know it is my guru's shakti, so I thank her inside.

I am almost at the place just now... where contracted or expanded consciousness is the same. It is consciousness. All of this... It is an illusion to think that what I am is here in this play, except as the play itself, which is Shiva.

I am solitary. I burn the fear and helplessness of *anava mala, and the contraction is almost unbearable. But soon it stops, and I am so much lighter. I can breathe again.

There is no work, except seeing. There is no attainment, except knowing. And yet, I am at last unsure as to what any moment means, undoing the compensations of adulthood.

It is a sweet little curl of consciousness which flows up from inside, encircling my heart, as I feel it swell...

It's time to finish up, to begin the farewells.

I feel like a long lost relative who's path at last winds towards home, there several ridges distant and closer each moment.

I am saying farewell to this place. Perhaps there will be more farewells later. I am not concerned with timing.

Still... it is time to finish up. 

It only ends once.


*One of the three malas, or impurities, anava mala is the low self-esteem, insecurity, a deep feeling of separateness, and a complete pre-occupation with self which results from feeling that we are individual, small and separate. It is the source of incompleteness we experience, which gives rise to feelings of insecurity and sadness.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

My kin

My lover the world went to sleep in my arms. I woke up alone in the arms of it all. God, my kin.  ~Jnana Shiva

Saturday, October 25, 2014


I have never been a vegetarian. Even when I lived at the ashram for three years, my sadhini pal and I would drive several miles to the nearest diner, where we would have steak and eggs. LOL!

We were rebel types, but not because we were rebelling. Just because we weren't the "appear and act all spiritual" types. We both wore all black (I still do), slept through morning chant, watched TV and movies in our rooms, and performed walking, eyes open meditation throughout the day, as well as our sit in the dark meditation "cave" (which I LOVED).

We went everywhere together, and spread a sort of subversive, playful sadhana that no doubt helped some yogis and yoginis out with their purification (burning).

I was not worried. Though I had no physical relationship with my guru, except for the exquisite opportunity to live in the ashram made from her guru's shakti, she visited me from time to time to check on me and teach me. A tap on the shoulder at the right moment, the touch on my forehead in meditation, a blast of bliss after walking past her in front of Anugraha were a few examples that come to mind.

I never felt the need to become vegetarian, and did not experience this to be a detriment to my sadhana.

Recently, I asked my guru for something that would involve (now I see) purification of my body. I wasn't thinking of vegetarianism at all.

Soon after, I took a bite of one of my favorite foods which included meat. The taste sent a wave of repulsion through my entire body, a feeling of disgust that I experienced as eating something foul. Later, when I still felt the same way, I described it as a reaction to something decayed, decaying, basically dead. I was sure I did not want to eat cooked flesh. No.

This was not an intellectual experience at all.

I decided to go with it. What's the harm in trying? And so, I am a vegetarian, but not because of adherence to a certain reasoning.

I have the added benefit of doing my small part to help the millions of animals that live miserable lives in the US because of factory farming. When I was a truck driver, I experienced first hand the appalling dark and sickly feeling that hangs on these places like a thick shroud of horror, far worse than any scary movie I've ever seen. This is the energy of mechanized death.

I grew up without eating beef, as we lived on the deer meat my father provided by hunting. This type of meat is very different, though I still would not eat that now.

THE BEST PART is how I feel. I can feel the energy in my body changing. I am being transformed by my guru's grace, and this now plays a part in that. Somehow I can be more pure and alive in her grace now. Delusion slips away faster, with less pain. My body feels different. Lighter, more alive.
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