Friday, July 19, 2019

God's anarchy

I had an agenda all my life. It informed everything I did.

Only I knew of it, so it made me unknowable.

The purpose of my life.... is going. I'm letting it go.

God's anarchy is my newness.

I lowered my potential to make it more reachable. The economy of this, that... a cosmic tradeoff. I will give up this, to get more of that. This all-encompassing plan was my constant.

I'm floating. You are my constant. God touches me as you.

I am becoming free.

Saturday, January 12, 2019


When I first went to live at the ashram, I took a two week course of full-time immersion in the practices. At the back of the Mandap, we would pranam to a beautiful and lovingly decorated puja to Lord Krishna with many offerings.

When the course was finished, each of us received flowers and offerings from the puja as prasad, which I took back to my room at the ashram. I placed the long, lacy spray of white flowers in a little vase on my puja, smiling each time I passed it, feeling the Lord's special presence and love.

Soon the oldest flower wilted and dropped off, as did each flower in the spray, wilting and dropping off one by one. Eventually one flower at the tip remained.

This flower did not wilt. It did not drop off. Weeks went by and this flower remained, as young and perfect as it was when it was on Lord Krishna's puja.

Every day I was amazed by this miracle, accepting the Lord's communication of magic and love to me in this beautiful and playful way.

Weeks later the flower did finally wilt and drop off. The memory of this miracle remains.

I was new to Hinduism then, and to Lord Krishna. It was a wonderful way of getting to know him. Over the years I have experienced Lord Krishna's love in many very beautiful and very playful ways. To me, Lord Krishna's shakti is always quiet, pregnant with all possibility, delightfully subversive, fully flowing and (of course) spectacularly alive!

I do love you, Lord. Always. Pranam.

Monday, September 24, 2018


My sadhana has become very subtle, outside of my mind, beyond words. I live for my Beloved, who is all the forms of God and the Guru, all that is.

My Beloved, you hide in plain sight as everything, you love me as whomever you find in my heart. You draw me away from attachment to the world of the senses, to the place beyond, the place of magic I have longed for all my life.

Come, I will bring you across...
to me, to my world of magic,
for I created all of this,
I am all of this,
I am all that is inside
I am love
I am love
I am you

Friday, September 21, 2018

Faith of the heart

When the little tears start, and the stone at the center of my heart is softened, just a little, it is the moment when my lost faith is being rekindled.

Dearest Saint Therese of Lisieux, you said that you would spend your time in heaven doing good on earth.
Your trust in God was complete. Pray that He may increase my trust in His goodness and mercy as I ask for the following petitions…
That my faith in the deepest longings of my heart will be rekindled.
Pray for me that I, like you, may have great and innocent confidence in the loving promises of our God. Pray that I may live my life in union with God’s plan for me, and one day see the Face of God whom you loved so deeply.
Saint Therese, you were faithful to God even unto the moment of your death. Pray for me that I may be faithful to our loving God. May my life bring peace and love to the world through faithful endurance in love for God our savior.

Friday, June 1, 2018


Confidence is my favorite word. It is the foundation of my state.

Confidence is the talisman I grasp with my mind, the energy to push out all thoughts of weakness and doubt. 

The still point. The constant. 

I need not defend. There is no question.

CONFIDENCE defeats the primary weakness in the spiritual culture of Mormonism: a constant indulgence in moral assessment and questioning which easily leads to a life of self-doubt.

An excerpt from St. Therese of the Child Jesus: Master of Her Temperament, by Marian T. Horvat, Ph.D

“It is confidence, and confidence alone, that must lead us to love." -St. Therese

Someone might wonder: Didn’t St. Therese ever become discouraged over her small failings and inability to do the great things she desired for the love of God? 

In fact, Therese had by her temperament a natural tendency toward discouragement. That she recognized this disposition is evident from the first of the three resolutions she made on her First Communion day: “I shall not be discouraged.”

In Carmel, she wrote a beautiful prayer for a novice about humility. In it she said that she would wake in the morning with a strong resolve to conquer her pride; in the evening she would be discouraged knowing she had failed. Then she realized that this discouragement itself was but itself a form of pride, and this would make her more discouraged. It is the vicious circle many of us have experienced. St. Therese explains how the dilemma was resolved:
“Since it has been given to me to understand the love of the Heart of Jesus, I own that it has chased all discouragement from mine. The remembrance of my faults humiliates me, and urges me never to depend on my own strength, which is nothing but weakness. Still more does this remembrance speak to me of mercy and of love. When, with all filial confidence we cast our faults into the devouring furnace of love, how should they not be totally consumed?”
It was only confidence that could conquer discouragement and melancholy. 
“What offends Jesus, what wounds Him to the Heart,” she insisted to her novices, “is lack of confidence.” 

An excerpt from St. Therese of the Child Jesus: Master of Her Temperament, by Marian T. Horvat, Ph.D

All the difference

That moment this week. I was laying in bed, watching TV. So familiar the craving for _________, the intensity that comes up like clockwork, driving me, herding me with pain and anguish and wanting for whips. Appetites.

I thought. What if I could say no to this feeling? I'd never thought of that before.

I found the feeling in my stomach. It felt like a wall of need, of need streaming into my stomach from a wall in my upper stomach.

I pushed on that need in my subtle body. It responded to my pressure. I pushed it all the way back into the wall roughly analogous to my diaphram.

It went all the way in. There was a moment of relief.

I let go, and the distress began flowing again.

I saw that I accepted this need, this distress, because I used it to try to give myself pleasure, a sort of entertainment I require each day. Something to look forward to. The reason to endure everything else.

I saw that this was delusion. The satisfaction was never real.

I pushed on it again, all the way back. Gone, until I let go and it flowed again.

I made the decision. IT WAS REALLY REALLY HARD. I wrenched myself away from the feelings that I worshiped, that thrilled me with delusion.


I renounced it, all of it.

I didn't realize it was going to make all the difference.

Thursday, May 31, 2018

The change

There came a moment, I think it was less than a week ago, where I said, "no more."

"I'm done."

I watched myself decide with complete certainty that expecting anything in return for participating with this play in my mind was a complete waste.

There was a shift. The "inside" world became more important to me than "the play," the play that has occupied me every moment of this lifetime, until now.

An invisible door closed. It has stayed closed.

It's still closed when I awake in the morning. It's still closed whenever I inspect it.

Yes. Still closed.

This may or may not last. 

That's not up to me.

How different my state is. I concentrate on whatever I am doing.

I am no longer making up a story about life as I go. 'Now' is all that is real. 

Not because I think it is so, (laugh)! It's just how I live, how I am alive, now, here.

There is a change in my subtle body, in my energy. Absolute steadiness. When I choose to consciously experience this feeling of steadiness, I can increase it at will.

(I remember when she visited me a few times recently, invisible, touching me so slightly. "Steady," her touch said, communicating the feeling of steadiness to me. Grace.)

I have finally got full control of my mind. Nothing knocks me off of my center place. Drama comes and goes around me. There is no question of participating. It is jarring, irritating to think otherwise.

I am finally, fully confident that the steady progress of discipline is NOT my path, and that I am not deluded in thinking so.

I remember recently the moment I found there was no difference between inside and outside. God has become so close I was supremely embarrassed for a few days.

Moments come during my day when God touches me, reminds me in my being, again and again, rising through me as a tickle of loving bliss. My every dream, my heart's desire, coming true as eternal union with my Beloved. 

My realization takes the form of a magical fairy tale, in my heart. I always tear up, cry a little when this touch of romantic bliss comes. 

A gift. From my Guru. From God. The perfect gift. Forever. It is all because of Grace.

My ego is not involved. This may or may not be happening to all of my guru's other devotees. I don't need to know either way. I feel no need to evaluate what is happening to me by this or any parameters.

For the first time in my life, I am not struggling to shape an intellectual response to what is happening. I am not trying to bring the previous moment into the current moment as part of a recipe for achieving progress and attainment.

I'm not thinking of attainment.

I'm only writing all this down so I can refer to it later. I'll want to remember how it happened. My guru advises doing this, journaling.

I was born within 100 miles of Zion's National Park. My roots from this incarnation sink deep into this soil.


The more like me I become, the less important I become. A burden surrendered.

St. Therese of Lisieux, the Little Flower

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Become that place

When others talk to me, I remain steady inside. No more leaping and dancing with them. I look and sound like I am participating, and I am. But I am only participating by listening and talking. I do not squander my shakti. My state stays steady.

The motion and sound is often shocking, jarring and disturbing, I think particularly from people who are trying to subtly manipulate my state, i.e. codependents.

There is a stillness. I experience it at the center place, inside. l have become that place.

Photo: unknown (indecipherable)

Wednesday, May 23, 2018


I quit blogging for awhile. 

What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of living?

Not for getting by. Not instead of what is real and essential.

I want everything. It is what my guru offers.

I finally let go of all I thought I needed and wanted, and a space opened up.

Now... I ask over and over: what is the purpose of my life? Of this lifetime? If I don't settle? If I don't bargain? What should I be doing if I'm not wasting my time, wasting the opportunity of this lifetime?

How can I have everything?

Photo: Quaken Aspen by Karen McQuilken
Today, I thought this. This is my attainment: I can have everything, and keep everything... when I can hold it all, when I can become all, without hiding from it, without feeding my ego with it, without careening about as though that is real freedom.

But now, every time I think of something I need to do that I'm not already doing or won't be doing in any case... I don't believe it.

Messy is what I am. Discipline is my delusion. Trying to change is not my path. I love God, and that is my "do." That is my attainment.

Is it said that Bhakti is the most difficult way to become realized... is it because it is not based on discipline, is it because it is an easy path, which means that the results are slow in coming?

But discipline, doing, is not for me. God's lives in my heart, and embraces me with bliss, my true love. I am melting into love. God's bliss is a mighty universe of shakti power, living inside of me, as me. Doing is mostly irrelevant.

My breath and being are your love. The doing is being a part of your living beauty. The doing is accepting your caresses, breathing into the bliss, knowing you as my lover, knowing you

The rest is messiness.

If my subtle body arches with ecstasy, of what purpose is discipline?

Monday, April 23, 2018


The poet saint Mirabai

I felt the pull of the magical love, the supernatural love from outside of life, forbidden, beyond what is known.

And I thought for a moment of the other things I "must" attend to first.

Immediately my entire being was filled with love, with a warmth and pressure that I chose to open to, again and again, praying it would stay.

I thought, "this is the love that I dissolve into."

My heart's desire. My heroine's quest. My story of stories.

Bhakti and devotion are the words I notice in the words of today.


My post on the SYP website:

Yesterday, as I sat contemplating the day's tasks, I felt myself filled to overflowing with a surge of love that was subtly permeating me, expanding my being and consciousness from within.
As I chose over and over to open to this love, I observed that this gentle force of constant expansion from within was the energy which will burn away my karmas and mental impurities, freeing my luminous being as I merge into this wider energy made of love.
I thought, "This is the love that I dissolve into." I felt that some gentle tears had begun.
I have reached for this feeling so many times since girlhood. My heart's desire. My heroine's quest. My story of stories. I have tried so many different ways to express a certain posture of worship and devotion within. It is becoming real at last!
Bhakti and devotion are the words I am finding in the words of my Guru and her teachers and devotees. Words from the very source of my joy.

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