I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, when a strong feeling of stillness arose in me. All around me were signs of movement and an unbelievable amount of noise I was only just now noticing. But I was gently, firmly, unwaveringly still, a sea change in my consciousness.
Later, as I thought on it, I thought, at last.... will I finally stop chasing all this around? I felt the weariness of it, and a mind that is tired. I wished to feel it slip away, leaving a deeply refreshing, healing stillness.
I used to share a compassionate, knowing little smile with other yogis when a yogi would hint that they were having great attainment in their meditation. Those who listened knew that this feeling of attainment came early on, and was discarded as a distraction when the role of grace became more clear.
And yet, here I am. I went through a long period of feeling I was having some amazing attainment. It's not that I didn't have attainment. It's knowing that it is all because of grace. Without grace, I'd be mucking about, trying to get free. It's knowing that I am comparing myself to others, and thinking I am getting ahead of most other people in their return to God. Ahead of others in merging our hearts in one.
I have come to see that I am not near as special in attainment as I thought I was. I see now that people (animals too) all over the world are being transformed by grace, are held by grace in any given moment. I am a part of that. I am not particularly special, though I know I am special to the guru, who is and knows my heart. As he/she knows every heart that is turning towards home.