Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Love
Only my body holds me here

Love
Only my love for You remains

~ jnana shiva

I am made of this velvet mystery
An ancient place of worship
Here, in the velvet mystery of my heart

Soham. I am that.

.
"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."
.
~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
(1207-1273)
.
.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Grace is here



Everything is here in this moment. There is nothing I need to stop, nothing to hold onto, do better or more of.

Grace is here.

This is the opposite of technique or practice.

My consciousness in this moment is the place of opening to God.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Sudden gush



Love is my teacher; I am mystified.

Love is never feigned, did Shakespeare say that? Now I know what it means.

Love comes to me, and I am tilting, reaching as I fall... I am useless; so little of what I am knows how to respond. Love comes to me. My mechanisms grind, I am dashed like defeat onto these aimless, rushing steps... and I cannot try, trying is not love.

Love has been many things, many people to me. They are all here, stirring, unfolding, swimming in my heart. The knots that bind my heart stretch and ache, the sudden gush a rumor, a fantasy.

All that I know, all that I can do, is whisper your name.



"Ash...?" Paramashiva...

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Gold

I am not a limited being trying to use my mind to merge into God

I am an unlimited being slipping out of my mind

Ha!



Monday, April 14, 2014

Sail on



I feel like I've been squeegeed off, a big life-sized wad of karmas slicked off by tapasya and guru's grace.

How do I know? I feel terror, and notice it. I feel confusion, and I am... confused.

I let go of objects, and gravity reaches out, a sudden, eloquent mess... great fun! I am laughing. I am cursing. I am not slipping on it.

My entire orientation has shifted.

I was oriented to winning, succeeding, feeling better, avoiding, controlling, finding out, living better, getting, having, holding on to.





Now I see those currents flowing by, but I am not letting them pull me along, pull me into them, lulled into mental "action" by the magic of maya, the delusion that I am acting, and being acted on.

I am a maze of shifting patterns, some smooth, some bumpy, shakti in flow, bouncing over all that old stuff like a waverider on a choppy sea.

Guru's grace in my sail.... I just keep saying yes to her grace.

When everything changes, again, and all the good happy sadhini yogini feelings go right in the drink...

I smile, and my freedom is far more important.

A minute, a second ago will yank me if I don't let go. It's better to let go, to sail on.





Friday, April 11, 2014

Only love



There is no other. There is only One... One without second.

My Beloved is that One. Everything in my life has been only thinking, only sensing.

When I find my Beloved inside, the moment becomes real. I have been passing the time in my head. Not with the Beloved.

I don't know what to do, how to not do. I waver over and over between the place where I have always been, and this new place that has opened in me, where my right and purpose awaits.

I am learning, the teacher is divine love.

To love and worship the Beloved requires passion and soul. It requires one hundred percent of whatever I am. More.

Anything less and I slip back into my head, having a conversation with myself about things that no longer exist, that have slipped away.






When I feel the touch of my Beloved, I must.... MUST immediately offer the equivalent of a full pranam at my guru's feet. There can be no shyness or prevarication.

Divine love demands everything, no holding back, no forgetting for awhile, no becoming haphazard or casual.

Love has become my purpose. I offer everything to my Beloved. I burn with this love, and with the pain of separation. It has become my everything.

Every feeling of fulfillment and joy I have ever missed or craved is mine when I have surrendered everything to my Beloved. Anything less is waiting for what is most desired and is a waste of time.






This is my path. Everyone's path is different. I have found my way to God at last.

A jnani turned by divine magic into a bhakti. A living change, not a philosophy or technique. A complete change in the field of my life, where I am, what is possible.

Only love.

This is my path.





"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."

~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
(1207-1273)

Monday, April 7, 2014

Yes I am



Who knew? That I could step back from all of this. Could return every time I reach for maya, tiring illusion, nothing back, negotiating with fate.

It seems obvious, but I have been going about life all wrong. I mean all wrong.

I remember... deciding to change myself when I was very young.

I am burning these moments, a lifetime of moments now, when I was wrapped in maya, so close and so concentrated that it is painful to feel it again, the belief that I was wanting and needing, acting and seeking. Ohh I complain as each memory slips through me like smoke through a fan. I am burning that.

I am burning the belief that all of this is happening to me.

I turn away, I have been wasting my energy, my moments, trying to get somewhere, be something I am not.

Step away.

Step away.



I turn inward, where a place of no place awaits me. A personal, tender universe with no beginning or end... I settle into this never... an inky black hush that has always been.

This is what is real. That is not, is never. That happened, that will happen. No substance, a construct of my mind, contracted consciousness.

I do not regret, I do not hope.

I don't hold on or seek.

I am still. This is where I feel the touch of God, my source, my already here, my now.

Be mine.

I will.

You are good.

Yes I am.



Saturday, March 29, 2014

Santa Monica



Longing... so much longing... I am breaking open, the pain of separation from my Beloved is so beyond anything I have ever felt.

I pray night and day for my Beloved. I see him in every place... this place, that place.... here... you're always here

Why aren't we one??

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.......................

You, you, you....... He is there, I see him in you.

I offer myself to You, my beloved. I offer my guru's shakti, all of my merits, every breath in prayer for You.

We are in love. I have given you my heart.



Breathe out 
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been

~Everlong/Foo Fighters





Dave Grohl ~ Foo Fighters

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