Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Only my body holds me here

Only my love for You remains

~ jnana shiva

I am made of this velvet mystery
An ancient place of worship
Here, in the velvet mystery of my heart

Soham. I am that.

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."
~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


I have learned a thing or two about burning. Lucky me!!

To burn is to be purified. The investment of belief and time in something is not usually removed without burning. Burning sets me free.

Guru's grace is the fire, the purifying kundalini rushing up through me, like a silent, temperature-less fire made of consciousness, the ultimate consciousness that is not bound in any way.

Sometimes I hear her, rising like bubbles through the akasha, then the little vision showing me that what rises is beyond water or air, but is consciousness rising as fire. Strange, that God would create so many layers and mechanisms behind the seen. At last I understand that God goes everywhere, takes shape as all possibilities, all Gods, all pathways home. It is pleasing to journey for a time beyond the seen before arriving home, to experience the play at every tattwa, every layer of the descending and ascending divine.

Purification comes in waves. I am finally learning to not ascribe attainment to any stage of purification, including feeling perfectly One with the center place, silent and unmoving, no now or here, only potential, only love and bliss. All that I am and all that I feel are mine through guru's grace. What it means about me is a senseless question, a moment of plundering by ego and mind.

(Hey! That sounds like an attainment!!)

I find that purification means I have to feel it again, experience what it was like to believe as I once did that it was happening to me, which created karma, a cosmic debt. I invested in delusion, in bondage. The way to get my investment back is to go through it again, and throw the yoke off.

Many around me are still invested in the play. God is at play in many forms. Then some of us feel the need to return to God, and the burning begins. I please God as He experiences as me every nuance of return to Self, every tiny step, every breath made of purest longing.

The fire is a very very intense version of "circumstances" which I bought into. What I believed in becomes fuel for the fire. To be free, I must burn off the debt, my investment in the play, experience it with such an intensity that I see it anew, laugh or cry, throw it off and leave the burden to be reabsorbed by consciousness.

I remember once a wise person said that we need to take our hands off the rear view mirror of life and place them on the steering wheel.

If life is the car, then holding onto the mirror is believing that I am somehow directing or controlling events. I turn the mirror this way and that and notice changes, believing that I am the source of change in the events around me. To place my hands on the wheel is to realize that I make choices, but I have nothing to do with how things go. They just do. I have the wheel, I may turn this way or that, but all of THIS is God and God doesn't invest power over the joyous unfolding of consciousness in little me.

OMG can you imagine how tiny, painful and drab life would be if little me was really in charge??

Life is inspiration and intelligence, free, free beyond any measure or understanding. It is wild and wooly and starts with an exquisite planet surrounded by space and the bodies of space that goes on for such distances that the light from what is there now cannot be seen here for about 3.8 billion years, and that's a long time and far far away... and all one tiny seed in the place of potential.

Perhaps we are all that old.


Is there anywhere where the Beloved is not?

I am courted by the Beloved.

Here... This inner touch, sacred.

My mind insists, my mind paints from a lifetime of pictures. It makes the pictures to go with these sensations, but my mind only gets in the way. The pictures are not You.

Longing so intense I hold to the mantra, saying Your name, my private name for You.

If I can just sit with You, that is grace. You come again and again, and I am so glad, but it feels harder when I must pause, over and over, to just sit with You, then stop. I always stop. My mind simply wanders off.

Illusion, I remind myself. We reach for each other in every moment. Every moment, and there is only one.

We embrace in the now.

Friday, September 12, 2014


When everything goes to hell. When I start choosing anything besides the center place.

Don't waste time with trying to figure out what it means or what went wrong or what to do to get the guru mojo back.

Throw yourself on the fire.

It will all burn faster.

You are burning, girl. Mantra is the protection from the discomfort of the fire. It's all good.

OM Bhurbhuvah svah Surya Iha gacca
Iha sah Suryaya Namah ||
(Rg. Veda 1-35-2, Yajurveda 33-34)

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Vishnu: A Symbolic Appreciation of a Dreamy Deity by Nitin Kumar

Vishnu: A Symbolic Appreciation of a Dreamy Deity by Nitin Kumar, founder of Exotic India website

One of the easiest to read and understand, but also one of the most eloquent discussions of Hindu symbolism that I have ever encountered. It is rooted in an firm knowledge of sanskrit.

Vishnua and Lakshmi reclining upon Adi Shesha


Friday, August 15, 2014

The watcher

I rejected the world, I turned away. The burden of illusion fell, the burden of thinking I was holding it all up.

I rejected the world, I turned away.

I walked away, I stopped being attached to it all, how things turned out. I am not afraid that any of it can hurt me, can touch me at all.

But now I turn back... and there is nothing to shun. I am perfectly still inside, and all of of this is the intelligence of God.

I am done with my part in that play. I am the watcher. It is all consciousness.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


All around me, the things I thought were important, the things I thought were me.

They slip off and I am left with the bliss, the mysterious wonderful sensual swirling bliss.

There is nothing bigger or different from... me.

Sunday, July 27, 2014


I see it clearly now. 
My guru is going to love me to death.

My guru is everywhere I look.

~ except for my traffic feed widget ~