Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Only my body holds me here

Only my love for You remains

~ jnana shiva

I am made of this velvet mystery
An ancient place of worship
Here, in the velvet mystery of my heart

Soham. I am that.

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."
~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I am free

Because I have worked every day for years to control my mind, I am steady in the midst of a coordinated attack.

I am so grateful. I was given an extreme circumstance to step back from all of my social media projects. The further I stepped back, the better I felt, the lighter an underestimated burden that began falling away.

I burned so much karma yesterday. I burned those things we all think happened to us (but did they? no). I am grateful.

I felt the decision to step away was right, (even with 3,500 followers!), and then the very next tweet I received was so horrible and mean, it made it all so very clear.

Protecting the fruits of my love from those who do not love it is futile.

I will not play at this game anymore. Why would I play a game where I can be brutalized? This is not the part I want in the play in this world.

Playing is my job, and freedom my mentor. I send love to all on this new day. Love, and the shakti of my guru. Love and blessings. Sweetest nectar. Sparkling freshness and delight.

I am free.

I love you. Every one.
I will always love you.

A joke I sent to the person I sent my highly misunderstood tweet to:

"I'm on the phone with Damon, Shatner is on his way over for some coaching "keep your hands low," and Horowitz sent flowers *sobs*"

"Keep your hands low"

Monday, June 22, 2015


Do you hear the silence? I do.

Do you see intelligence dancing around you? I do. Shiva is always here, hiding in plain sight as everything.

Once this point of view was a flash, no more, questioned.

Each time, I saw it a little longer. A flash, no more, still questioned.

I began to realize I could have this experience all of the time. My helpful ego thought this achievement meant all sorts of things about me.

I learned to let grace come in without handing it to my ego. This took a lot of discipline. This discipline is why I can post these secret things here, without thinking any of this is my attainment. Attainment is the consolation prize. I seek the true prize. I am vigilant, and keep these most precious things apart from my ego.

I am so lucky. I was so tired. I was tired of serving the illusion that I could obtain all that I craved and juggled and desperately sought each day without turning inward.

Grace was waiting, endless grace, waiting for me.

I find the source of endless refreshment, comfort and joy flowing up through me whenever I turn to my source. I receive all that I have ever wanted and more, the real desires of my heart, not worldly reflections. This is why the guru is called the Wish Fulfilling Jewel.

I could not do any of this without grace. Grace is REQUIRED.

Grace comes from my guru. It flows to me when I draw it with auspicious acts of loving self-discipline, when I grow spiritually. It is always a gift. I cannot earn it. It is precious beyond all purchase or repayment.

I can only learn how to accept grace  

Thank you... 

If God's grace is your heart's desire, then you are a seeker. Your grace might come from nature, Gaia, the universe, The Ancestors, Jesus, the Goddess, Krishna, Buddha, Allah, The Beloved, or simply a mystery that appears in your consciousness. Seek and keep most precious this grace and it will seek you. It will show you the way.

Because of grace, I hear the silence. I stop, I listen, and it is always there. What is real... immediate... forever.

I have turned my senses inward. This is my discipline.

Because of grace, I see that One who is beyond time and space, who creates time and space from Self. One who has always existed; One without second. I know my consciousness is this One.

There is a sacred, sacred place in the heart where this One is not veiled. Will you live and die this time without finding this place?

A part of me is established there. This is my heart's desire, always above everything else. Every day I choose this, a little more of me is established in God. It's a little easier. It lasts longer. My guru teaches me that I can become enlightened, can be established in God in this lifetime. This truth thrills me; I am returning home. It is the journey of journeys.

Do you want the source of endless refreshment, comfort and joy above all? If this is what you desire, seeker..... wait no longer. SEEK... God will answer the longings of your heart.


Don't laugh. Star Wars touched the place of the heart that whispers in every heart, "come home."

Friday, June 12, 2015

I longed for her

One of my other projects is a huge success right now (thank you Guru-ji...),, so I haven't posted for awhile.

I have been burning happy memories, all happy memories for weeks now. The feeling tone of the memory and a flash of a visual come to me. For just a second. So pleasant, a farewell. I am freed of that karma.

Then yesterday I had a memory from a past life. I have had many such memories before, but this one was special. No surprise, it was India. I was a man.* I saw the rich reddish-brown earth and the lush green everywhere. The special light. I longed for her, my India...

* I don't think a woman can be safe in India unless she has the protection of a man, so there are very few female sadhus, called sadhinis. 

Friday, May 1, 2015


She takes care of me in every way, all the time, in everything.
It is an amazing gift of grace and love I cannot repay.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Us and them

Over and over, I listen to the song of my youth, a teen on my bed in the dark, when Pink Floyd's "Us and Them" came on the radio.

I lived in Las Vegas then. I live in Las Vegas now, a few miles from that other home. It was this time of year, when the star jasmine outside my room was sweetly intoxicating, as it is on my doorstep now.

The last tour of Pink Floyd (Division Bell Tour 1994)

My colors in the song. I thought "Us and Them" was proof that God knew me, that my strong feelings about the unseen were real, were about the real. My favorite colors then were indigo fading to black, a velvet mystery, a code for transformation... the colors in the lyrics of the song that moved me.

Now is that circle coming back around, the way it is for people who have perfect moments of life's magic as they become older, and see the pattern at last.

But there is more for me. It is a profound change. I let in love, as my guru, as my celebrity crush (who after all is closer than close in the divine play of one as many). As playful Krishna. Sweet Durga who always sets things right, as Shiva my lover.

Let me bathe you, and dress your hair, my lover

It is all love. I let it in, feel my being becoming soft and porous in a way I have never felt in this body, not even at birth, almost dying then...

When the love flows in, when I meditate on this image, I notice right away that it flows to my stomach, a wonderful energy massage, my stomach weak from a lifetime of not letting love in.

[I have had stomach problems most of my adult life. I always thought of my stomach as having problems with digestion, but now I also know that for me my stomach corresponds with my ability to assimilate love.]

This father and son are soaked with love
I have a celebrity crush (yes this is spiritual!) on a man who is so soft with love, confident with his equipoise and discrimination and as an accomplished actor and father, and human. God comes to me inside as love, often as this man, who I recognize--as I do so many internal visitors over my life--by his "energy signature," and the little flashes I get of his expressions.

Love, love it's a delicious and intoxicating festival of love that is dissolving my concerns, my blindness.

I look around several times a day now and see only what is inside, the place of One. Only One.

"Black, and blue... and who knows which is which, and who is who?"

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Waking up to love

What if God could physically hug me? What if I could be physically hugged by God?

I dreamed that _________ sat next to me on the couch, relaxing against my arm in a friendly, but purposeful way. He put his arm loosely around me, hugging me to his side a few times as he kept his focus on the others in the room. He left his arm there, hugging me now and again.

His wife came into the room and stopped to talk to him, smiling at me. She knew it was friendly, not sexual.

It felt so good. He simply gave me love, through loving contact. Somehow he knew that was what I needed and he was glad to simply be able to give me that.

It felt fatherly, even though we are about the same age. He has endless love for his children, who are even more precious to him after so many premature deaths of close loved ones in his lifetime. He shared some of that endless love with me in the dream.

_______ is comfortable with give and take. He has confidence and equipoise. He talks to me on Twitter sometimes and that teaches me how to aspire to these qualities. Social media is at times a severe test of confidence and equipoise, at least for me.

It is all consciousness. The pain of feeling separate, and needing what is not here to appear and hug me, is anava mala. Painful. I cannot think about this limited belief without pain, pain that never lets up.

Burning anava mala is almost continuous for me. No breaks unless I distract myself. It is emotional and spiritual work that is always there, in process, adding much to the height and intensity of the sacred fire of my purification.

What if God could physically hug me? What if I could be physically  hugged by God? God hugged me as _________ in my dream.

I asked for that. And God appeared as my latest little crush and loved me up. The power of grace. My heart's desire. Because of my guru's grace. I still feel this grace and love as I slip through time and space, playing that there is more than one here...

How love swirls around me, a communication, yes you are on the right track. So says the darshan of God as love as I contemplate how I can experience God hugging me in every moment. Love swirls around me as everything, including me. Funny rules keep the game going... To touch and be touched is always Love in every moment.

Thank you ________. You are a great being. I am so lucky to be touched by your love.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015


My karma must be burned. I think that most of us must burn it. The grace of my guru fills my being with the constant heat required, and the impurities rise up on the flames and are burned.

My karmas and samskaras, my life of malas and of gunas, it all goes into this heat of grace and burns so high, higher because by their nature the karmas are made personal, I lived them as my truth, I became attached to them and then fought with them when I thought I had to become free of them.

The attachment is what is burned. The false belief any of that had anything to do with who I am, that it happened to me.

I did not see it coming... I have burned in so many different ways at different times, and I have become so much more free, and my mind so much more under my control.

I did not see it coming... my fire now isn't all about the past, burning the enslavement of limited understanding.

My fire has become about longing. All day, all night, my whole body aches for God. I see God physically manifest in the things that catch my eye and it rends me, I feel myself hit my knees inside again and again, over and over. I am crying, there is no relief.

I catch a glimpse of a photo of a man my age, someone from a TV series I watch, and in the photo he appears to be looking right at me. He is full of purpose, there is no hesitation. I am transfixed.

I am about to be possessed, my suffering's perfect answer, a match in this world at last. My fires answered, I will be sated.

Only in my mind. There is no relief. None.

I am burning, burning for you God. The belief in separation is a burden, a deep wound. It is unbearable; do not fault me for hiding from it when I can, however I can. Because to embody it is excruciating.

This is all about God, dear reader. Most of us end up this way. I hope this doesn't put your sadhana back by a lifetime or two. I can still laugh.

(You and I who are paramashiva, one without second... different mirrors of the same image).

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Ow ow ow

Ow... ow... ow... ow... I'm on fire!

Anava mala and a whole lotta shakti. Conflagration. Incandescence. Luminosity.

Ow... ow... ow...

Monday, March 9, 2015


I've stopped doing. I am cradled in stillness. This is moving, but I am not. How good it feels to just stop.

I need not move

I stopped searching and closed my eyes

A focused point at the center of the play of action

Duty is what remains

Sunday, March 8, 2015

This is my joy

I take the step back in my consciousness. My mind stills, focuses to a point and is absorbed. A profound stillness.

And now for the first time I recognize myself, know myself as the presence there.

This is pratyabhijna. Recognition.

All of this is a game, I thought... fond of it, a pet project. 

And then I smelled a very particular smell. It was strong enough to catch my attention. It was the smell of rubber, the rubber that was used to make the squishy gentle balls we played four-square with when I was in elementary school. I remember how I loved that game, the joy it brought me. I could feel that joy in my body, remembering.

No words were required to tell me, to show myself, this is my joy...

Forever and ever... closer than close

Muktananda and Nityananda

Swami Lakshmanjoo

Swami Lakshmanjoo on the day of his divya diksha

Swami Vivekananda

Swami Vivekananda

Sri Kaleshwar

I always experience a sweet, calming darshan when reading the Sri Kaleshwar email newsletter and visiting their beautiful website.

Sri Mata Amritanandamayi

Sri Anandamayi Ma

Sri Ramana Maharshi

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