Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Only my body holds me here

Only my love for You remains

~ jnana shiva

I am made of this velvet mystery
An ancient place of worship
Here, in the velvet mystery of my heart

Soham. I am that.

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."
~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

Friday, August 15, 2014

The watcher

I rejected the world, I turned away. The burden of illusion fell, the burden of thinking I was holding it all up.

I rejected the world, I turned away.

I walked away, I stopped being attached to it all, how things turned out. I am not afraid that any of it can hurt me, can touch me at all.

But now I turn back... and there is nothing to shun. I am perfectly still inside, and all of of this is the intelligence of God.

I am done with my part in that play. I am the watcher. It is all consciousness.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


All around me, the things I thought were important, the things I thought were me.

They slip off and I am left with the bliss, the mysterious wonderful sensual swirling bliss.

There is nothing bigger or different from... me.

Sunday, July 27, 2014


I see it clearly now. 
My guru is going to love me to death.

My guru is everywhere I look.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Out of the way

I felt you tap on my shoulder last night. Like that time before, that time a preparation for this time, I see.

I recognize that tap.

It is possible I am going to have a relationship with the visible form of the guru.

It doesn't matter.

For the first time in my life, in my sadhana, I am out of the way. I am out of the way of grace. I feel it start in some delicious way, and COMPLETELY RESIST the lifetime habit of grasping the start of it, moving it, augmenting it, making the most of it....

... and by doing that, make it as small as my little ego, tapering out, gone.

The answer is not learning how to grasp it better, longer, farther.

The answer is here. It is this.... watch, be, simply remain where I am, along for the ride. I have finally learned what I must know to accept grace.

It turns out that the real answer is all the work I have done to get to this place, where I can finally let go of "augmenting" and controlling the forces of my life.

I got out of the way.

Monday, July 21, 2014


So so so so so.... much bliss.

Art by B.G. Sharma

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


I love The Beloved as many things.

The guru is the wish-fulfilling gem, the wish-fulfilling tree. I prayed to my guru over and over, every day...

Please Gurumayi, give _________ the role of his dreams, the project of his heart's desire. Let him stretch creatively as an artist, and be fulfilled by his work. Let him work on a movie or TV series that sends his career to new heights, the heights he desires and deserves as a successful actor (who is also a person of color).

When I prayed, my yearning to give to another (The Beloved) was so strong...

Then one day I felt inside a sudden change, the certainty that she had said yes, she was letting me know that she would, so I could have certainty.

And... he got a part in one of the most amazing projects imaginable, very creative and prestigious, and I am so so so happy! I keep looking at my pic of my guru next to my desk and hugging her feet inside, my heart surges to her.

I am so happy. This means A LOT to me. I must give to my beloved somehow. I MUST.... for that is what love means and does.

Thank you thank you thank you guruji.

Sunday, July 6, 2014


I keep my mind steady, I bring it back to the center over and over. Not a lot of words for the work. Focus my mind, hold the shakti. My mind cannot slip out anymore, I notice my ego reaching, every time. I notice if my shakti slips from the center, and I steady myself.

Steady, steady.

Suddenly I am burning something(s) horrific, for hours and days! My car might need major work, they raised the rent again... the kind of stuff that fills me with anxiety and dread.... and I embrace these feelings, almost impossible... but I do it, over and over. Because I can see that my guru is burning the huge stuff, AND I WANT TO BE FREE.

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