Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Only my body holds me here

Only my love for You remains

~ jnana shiva

I am made of this velvet mystery
An ancient place of worship
Here, in the velvet mystery of my heart

Soham. I am that.

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one,
you will no longer expect anything else."
~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

Friday, November 20, 2015

How not to make story out of now

Everything stopped, it all went away. No more of my guru's shakti carrying me as I learn, helping me to hold my state.

I was overcome with old feelings I've learned to hold back with the practiced discipline of my mind. Anxiety. Fear.

I desperately wanted to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong. I indulged in a certain amount of this, but then stopped because I could only make something up. I stopped each time before I started obsessing on it. Because that path always leads to my ego's indulgences: self-loathing and self-pity, which I do not do anymore.

Slowly it has all come back. The love, the bliss, my state. I am on a different footing with my sadhana. And I have learned something new: How to not make story out of now.

The habit of my mind is to figure out what is happening as part of a larger story, in relationship to what was and what might be.

Really. I mean really... I haven't a clue.

I wobble about in my mind, like riding a churning wave that is trying to slip me off my center, into the constant guesswork mistaken for reality, the fabrication that makes it all make sense.

I hold my mind still. I keep coming back to the place of stillness. My mind is unsettled, it keeps trying. This is not an intellectual exercise. It is equipoise.

I haven't a clue where it's all going. Ha!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Shubh Divali!

Diwali is such a special time of wonder and delight. I wish you the most magical and delightful Diwali!

Monday, November 2, 2015

Cancer sun, Cancer moon. Aquarius rising.

To me feelings are everything. They are truth. They are who I am. (I am a double Cancer, after all).

The feelings are so beautiful. The bliss.

Oh no, the feelings went away.

Oh! Totally new thought. Feelings come and go, they are not the purpose or measure of sadhana. Trying to control them, to get them to stay in the bliss, that is not sadhana.

What if I grow, become established in the Self no matter how I feel and how I am faring on the ocean of samsara? Hmmmmm.

Just stop. Stop trying to herd things around.


Ha hahah ahaha. Where's the remote?

Rossy de Palma. Style.

Waris loves you. Style.

Life is like the landlady: kicks butt without EVER removing her cigarette
That's me whimpering in the corner LOL

Oh no, what have I done? No no no. Hahh  ahahaha a.

Oh well, darn. Time for more of this guy (where's the remote?)

Sunday, November 1, 2015

A different day

The step is different, it starts a different moment, a different day.

A step outside of story, history or time.

Now. The little step that embraces freedom, free because I experience just this, the place that dreams of this, but I am more.

God can be anything, paramashiva is not fettered in any way. He/she takes Her pleasure by becoming everything. I am one version of so very many that can be.

My story includes shedding my story, at just the pace and delight of my Beloved, finding Him just so, in just this way. It is a beautiful, delicate dance that includes the liberating fire of karma to purify me, to render me as essence, intention and love.

I finally understand why the story doesn't end as soon as I know who I am. What happens after I know who I am is part of the story, the best part.

I honor my Beloved's delight in me, taking me back at last. I am finding my way back to Him. In this and every moment, we are already One.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Still point

“At the still point, there the dance is.”  —T. S. Eliot

Sunday, October 25, 2015


Swami Vivekandanda
I am watching myself become free and completely in the now, carried on my guru's grace. But my mind is waiting and turns it all into concepts, then and now, "do" the path (not). 

There is only this, only now. The Self is attained now.

My guru has said that it is very very hard to attain the Self without the grace of a guru. I have this grace, but she cannot give to me if I allow my mind to dictate the samskaras again, the habit and lack of discipline, subtly pushing her out, filling that space (again) with mind.

I am craving discrimination, in the moment. It would help me to see what is happening in my consciousness right now.

Maa Saraswati

I pray for your grace and wisdom, beloved Devi Saraswati. I pray for wisdom and learning. Your lotus symbolizes the source of true knowledge. Your vehicle, the white swan, symbolizes Sattwa Guna, or purity and discrimination.

These are treasures that I seek.

Om Saraswati Mahabhagey, Vidye Kamala Lochaney |
Viswarupey Vishalakshmi, Vidyam Dehi Namohastutey ||
Jaya Jaya Devi, Charachara Sharey, Kuchayuga Shobhita, Mukta Haarey |
Vina Ranjita, Pustaka Hastey, Bhagavati Bharati Devi Namohastutey ||

The beautiful human form of Saraswati comes to the fore in this English translation of the Saraswati hymn:

"May Goddess Saraswati,
who is fair like the jasmine-colored moon,
and whose pure white garland is like frosty dew drops;
who is adorned in radiant white attire,
on whose beautiful arm rests the veena,
and whose throne is a white lotus;
who is surrounded and respected by the Gods, protect me.
May you fully remove my lethargy, sluggishness, and ignorance."

Maa Saraswati

Saraswati, the goddess of knowledge and arts, represents the free flow of wisdom and consciousness. She is the mother of the Vedas, and chants to her, called the 'Saraswati Vandana' often begin and end Vedic lessons.

Saraswati is the daughter of Lord Shiva and Goddess Durga. It is believed that goddess Saraswati endows human beings with the powers of speech, wisdom and learning. She has four hands representing four aspects of human personality in learning: mind, intellect, alertness and ego.

She has sacred scriptures in one hand and a lotus – the symbol of true knowledge – in the second.

With her other two hands she plays the music of love and life on a string instrument called the veena. She is dressed in white – the symbol of purity – and rides on a white swan – symbolizing Sattwa Guna or purity and discrimination. Saraswati is also a prominent figure in Buddhist iconography - the consort of Manjushri.

The learned and the erudite attach greater importance to the worship of goddess Saraswati. As a practice, only educated people worship her for knowledge and wisdom. They believe that only Saraswati can grant them 'moksha' - the final liberation of the soul.

From Subhamoy Das, Hinduism Expert, About Religion,

Maa Saraswati shares her love as knowledge and means

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Cave diving

"No matter what happens go on remembering God and he will carry you."
~ Swami Lakshmanjoo

I have an obsession with videos about cave diving. I found one that I really love in particular. I have watched it several times.

"Flash mob" refers to coordinating flashlights to illuminate a large cavern

I feel like I am floating, not rising or falling except by grace. I feel ever more still inside. I have left the places I thought were about one of many. I am moving with eyes closed in the total darkness. Grace is the way. I await only Grace. I control nothing. Grace.

I have rock solid equipoise in situations and interactions that used to set me off like a marionette.

I watch myself engage with my appetites, but I'm not invested anymore. It comes from habit, samskaras

I have conceived of freedom in so many ways. Now, I not only conceive of but can feel the beginnings of freedom that come from not being swayed one way or another by appetites. Instead of engaging, I watch them arise and dissolve.

The appetites in me cringe and complain as I let go, a tiny rift. I choose freedom. It is painful for a few moments. Something rips apart.

I go back to floating, free. Carried along on this current, free. Free.

"The greatness of Lord Shiva is that no matter what intensity of his 
grace is with you, it will carry you to his nature in the end."
~ Swami Lakshmanjoo

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Inner current

There is an inner place. I'm already there. I've always been there.

The inner place is tugging at me. See anew. Open your eyes. Feel anew. Catch this current tugging at you.

Everything is different. Colors, taste. My body rejected meat. Now I want less food.

My awareness of this subtle world fills the ever growing (always infinite) place in me left by controlling my mind, becoming friends, by growing beyond my mind, getting it out of the way.

Art by Tino Rodriguez
The river's edge represents the place between 

See anew. Open your eyes.

Durga always sets things right

Durga's power and grace are a steady, fierce current that precedes her insistent advance. There is no struggle at all for Durga's efforts, she is always victorious, wielding her many weapons that spell death to demons and uncontrolled ego. 

Mother is here. Kali Durga brings all the constant energy and sharpest discrimination to instantly conquer and build momentum. Durga does not exert her influence. She is. She simply arrives at full power and speed. If she takes you on board her vehicle, her lion, prepare for a breathtaking ride of completely unexpected tasks and locations. 

Durga sees everyone and everything. She is air energy, the double-edged sword of justice.

Durga is power, the force of good. She always sets things right. (Watch for the flip flop).

GIFs from Kung Fu Hustle

Forever and ever... closer than close

Muktananda and Nityananda

Swami Lakshmanjoo

Swamiji on the day of his divya diksha

Sri Kaleshwar

I always experience a sweet, calming darshan when reading the Sri Kaleshwar email newsletter and visiting their beautiful website.

Sri Mata Amritanandamayi

Swami Vivekananda

Swami Vivekananda

Sri Anandamayi Ma

Sri Ramana Maharshi

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