Wednesday, March 25, 2015


My karma must be burned. I think that most of us must burn it. The grace of my guru fills my being with the constant heat required, and the impurities rise up on the flames and are burned.

My karmas and samskaras, my life of malas and of gunas, it all goes into this heat of grace and burns so high, higher because by their nature the karmas are made personal, I lived them as my truth, I became attached to them and then fought with them when I thought I had to become free of them.

The attachment is what is burned. The false belief any of that had anything to do with who I am, that it happened to me.

I did not see it coming... I have burned in so many different ways at different times, and I have become so much more free, and my mind so much more under my control.

I did not see it coming... my fire now isn't all about the past, burning the enslavement of limited understanding.

My fire has become about longing. All day, all night, my whole body aches for God. I see God physically manifest in the things that catch my eye and it rends me, I feel myself hit my knees inside again and again, over and over. I am crying, there is no relief.

I catch a glimpse of a photo of a man my age, someone from a TV series I watch, and in the photo he appears to be looking right at me. He is full of purpose, there is no hesitation. I am transfixed.

I am about to be possessed, my suffering's perfect answer, a match in this world at last. My fires answered, I will be sated.

Only in my mind. There is no relief. None.

I am burning, burning for you God. The belief in separation is a burden, a deep wound. It is unbearable; do not fault me for hiding from it when I can, however I can. Because to embody it is excruciating.

This is all about God, dear reader. Most of us end up this way. I hope this doesn't put your sadhana back by a lifetime or two. I can still laugh.

(You and I who are paramashiva, one without second... different mirrors of the same image).

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Ow ow ow

Ow... ow... ow... ow... I'm on fire!

Anava mala and a whole lotta shakti. Conflagration. Incandescence. Luminosity.

Ow... ow... ow...

Monday, March 9, 2015


I've stopped doing. I am cradled in stillness. This is moving, but I am not. How good it feels to just stop.

I need not move

I stopped searching and closed my eyes

A focused point at the center of the play of action

Duty is what remains

Sunday, March 8, 2015

This is my joy

I take the step back in my consciousness. My mind stills, focuses to a point and is absorbed. A profound stillness.

And now for the first time I recognize myself, know myself as the presence there.

This is pratyabhijna. Recognition.

All of this is a game, I thought... fond of it, a pet project. 

And then I smelled a very particular smell. It was strong enough to catch my attention. It was the smell of rubber, the rubber that was used to make the squishy gentle balls we played four-square with when I was in elementary school. I remember how I loved that game, the joy it brought me. I could feel that joy in my body, remembering.

No words were required to tell me, to show myself, this is my joy...

Saturday, March 7, 2015


The things that used to exasperate me, upset me, discourage me.... now they make me laugh.

How funny, life takes these funny turns. Funny.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Wake up

I am asleep. I want to wake up.

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