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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A life apart while I remain amidst

As I was falling asleep... I was thinking of this and that.

I was thinking of a blog entry where I wrote that I wasn't honest, that I didn't have anything real to give because I was so self-centered, so selfish.

Then I was thinking of something I have contemplated lately, that when I go for something, I throw myself into it like a method actor in a Daniel Day Lewis movie. I have the ability to produce a great deal of participation in the drama, whatever it is. I am obsessed with the delusion that I am participating, connecting with others, generating valuable accomplishments as an adult. 

"Did IQs drop sharply while I was away?"
Sigourney Weaver as
Lieutenant Ripley in Aliens
It's like... I go go go for days weeks months (years?)... then WOAH! There's a psychic and energetic 360 and I undo it all, reject it all, RUN away from it all.... I pull an Alan Smithee and POOF! I disappear from the set forever, not a word, not a song... not a single regret.

Chase the new obsession... (try to get something by pursuing it at top form, huge energy and endurance here), then eventually, always eventually.... reject... (anorexic, shed it all, try to get something out of letting it all go).


And then I was thinking of how embarrassed I was whenever I remember my endowment at the temple, of how I sat apart in the Celestial Room, and didn't go over to thank all the ward members who had attended my session in support of me, and were looking my way as they were talking quietly to each other, to the Bishop.

I didn't want to go over to them. 

"I was being honest," I told myself. I WAS BEING HONEST.

BAM!! I finally understood why I think of myself as someone who is not integrated, who sometimes does things I didn't seem to intend or be in charge of.

When I went to live at the ashram, it was because my heart spoke, and said, I want to go to there, and live. And I did, because I could. But not once did I ask myself if I actually had what the people I would be joining there would expect of me, what authentically joining with the ashram sangham meant.

When I got a job as a network administrator, it wasn't because I felt I could do the job, that I saw myself as a productive member of the network group. I got this position because getting it was the next best thing to being that skilled (which I am not). I got the job because I could. It was very dishonest.

Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice
I am profoundly dishonest with myself. I do not accept the reality of who I am. I act in every way as though I can change the reality of who I am to whatever is required to be involved with the world of others. (Then later I am sometimes mean. "You never knew me." "THIS is who I really am...")

Truth: I do not belong in the world of others, never have, never will. 

This terrified me. I thought I was broken. At a young age (second grade?) I decided to do anything to try to fix myself. I abandoned my true self and focused on my skills as a mimic. "You are this? So am I..." LIES. 

I am profoundly dishonest with others. I act in the way I think others want me to act, to create the illusion that I am participating. Meanwhile, the unintegrated part of me feels free to party at every one's expense (including mine), i.e. jumps in at an odd moment and does what she damn well pleases. She is honest with herself. She knows what she wants and sometimes... she simply does it, damn the consequences.

Truth: I am incapable of being honest with others until I am honest with myself.

The unintegrated part of me... must be my true self(?) True in the sense that she is this, and not that. I am a certain way. Finding out who I am will be the perfectly delightful task of becoming perfectly honest with myself... about who I am, what I want, and how to live my life as a blissful sadhini.

Knowing my true self is a loving way to choose solitude and renunciation, a life apart while I remain amidst.

A life apart is the life I was born for, but spent over thirty desperate years, years of boyfriends, college, etc. trying to turn into what everyone else seemed to be doing. 

No more.

Daniel Day Lewis as Hawkeye in The Last of the Mohicans

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