Friday, August 30, 2013

Attainment requires a strong mind

The pendulum swings.

When grace is overflowing... I can merge with You at will for several moments, seeking You many times a day with the delightful knowledge that only You are worth seeking, only your love is worth finding. I am not missing anything, not liking or disliking anything, because all of this is You.

A stopwatch swings back and forth

The pendulum swings.

I dislike everything. I am full of self-hatred, I take hold every hour on the slippery edge of deep despair. Because of committed practice I notice the minute my spirit slumps over, desiring destruction and oblivion. The deepest darkness swims just below the cliff at my feet.

These are feelings I have not felt so deeply in years. I have kept a steady practice of noticing them, and not going with them.

But here they are and they are fierce in their attempts to conquer me, lay me out, lay me down with the small inner movement required to let go, to be consumed.

This is the easy way, a voice whispers. My ego will sacrifice everything to escape the fire of sacrifice, to emerge victorious.

I fight, I hold the line. I accept all of this, but I will not be pulled into self-hatred and fear.

I do not believe in suffering.

Clear glass balls crash into each other, preserving momentum

It's the pendulum. I am burning these feelings. But mostly, I am burning my attachment to the golden time of grace, when this was better than that. 


Each time the pendulum swings, it is getting closer to stopping at the center. A place of sublime equipoise, where mayiya mala will not push and pull, towards and away.

This is as good as that. I know because that is how God's play is unfolding as my life. I understand at last. I am not steering this. If I am, why does it never go the way I choose?

To go with feelings of suffering, I must believe that these feelings are reality, that they are me. This creates karma. I invest in delusion, a debt which must be burned to return to freedom, the truth.

No one has ever expressed this understanding of karma to me. Nowhere have I ever heard the saying "I do not believe in suffering." It is my yoga, and my discipline, I grasp it to me as the waves of suffering rise... then flow out again on the gentle tide. The crisp air of morning breaks with sudden gold upon the sweet back and forth of elemental, formless water. Freedom.

My guru has said this, I remember her words. Attainment requires a strong mind. Every day that I have chosen to notice but not follow old feelings of fear and self-hatred my mind has become stronger. I have come to notice immediately any thought or feelings that begin to drag me down. I do not follow. I am not driven. I pray.

I take refuge in prayer. I choose steadiness instead.

I am not conquered, I am only troubled by this light-footed shadow of the dance of suffering, the movements of habit and the memories of choosing pain out of ignorance.

I turn and slip into the light. The feelings are... The suffering is but a hapless rumor. It is all perfect.

Black and white image of a clock with a pendulum swinging below it

Thursday, August 29, 2013

The presence of God

Swami Lakshmanjoo seems deep inside with eyes closed and head bowed slightly

“Freedom from all our miseries, as Abhinavagupta boldly declares, can neither be obtained through the renunciation of the world, nor by hatred of this world, but by experiencing the presence of God everywhere.” 

~ Swami Lakshmanjoo, Universal Shaiva Fellowship

Thursday, August 15, 2013

What gives?

Astronaut Sally Ride enjoys the bright light and iew from a window of the Space Shuttle Challenger

What if I could turn my head slightly, and sink into your enveloping bliss? How many times per day would I seek You?

What if I could rest my thoughts on You, Lord, and know your warmth so immense, so close... approach with reverence your sacred fire burning (since forever) at the center? You tug at my heart, a surge of liquid fire. I turn to look, and see with Your eyes a never forsaken illumination of the vast expanse of majestic space.

Who could I write home to about that!? (Wait... here's my blog).

How would I tell You when I need You most, when my need for You is a cookie that never crumbles, the up that never comes down?

Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. Some things are just inevitable.

Lord, I feel your love of my love of You, your love of my need for You. This synergy pulls me up, somehow changes my thoughts from an unruly torrent to this... an eddy in the swirl of ultimate mystery, the quiet ripple of Your steady will, bathed in unbroken silence.

Just try to think after that.

Then, my Lord, when I think I have caught You at last, You pluck me from my cage with a thimble full of your intelligence, then fall with me when I fall back in. Is that You I've been holding onto? Wait... You are the door too?

Moonlit yoga. In my dream I ran so fast I fell into You... and found You were dreaming of me.

So. Today, questions seem best.

So. What gives?

woman suspended by slender cables held by doves

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The true success

Waving the lights at the Ghat in Varanasi
Kashi the city of light, never forsaken

All of my life I have wanted what is missing, wanted to find and hold onto an experience that was real, that didn't dissolve away..

Now... When I am weary... of chasing the sparkles, of serving my obsessions, of leaning into this human torment... (even tingling all over when I visit _________, bearing alone this unrequited love)...

I am so happy, so lucky. At last I crave what is real, seek nothing more than this: to turn inside and be with God. This is the real sustenance, the real intimacy.

Torment is another word for purification. The fire takes only this, when I am that... So'ham.

Waving the lights at the Ghat in Varanasi
Kashi the city of light, never forsaken

God You are real, you are here for me every time I reach for You inside... every time without fail. Over and over through the day I take a moment to love and worship you inside.

Om namah shivaya. Shiva Shiva Shiva. I love your name...

My heart at last knows where to rest: God is the true success. There is no other God but You.

Waving the lights at the Ghat in Varanasi
Kashi the city of light, never forsaken

Friday, August 9, 2013

As we soar

I experience the familiar kriyaa spontaneous movement directed by Shree Kundalini—several times a day or more.

I will pause in my typing, and a little silent glide... my head is gently bent forward to my chest, then stays there. Sometimes fast, most of the time slow; it is like gliding into place.

Instantly I am in meditation. I notice my detachment from the world, (hard won from years of sadhana, but mostly a gift of grace).

I ask myself, now, each time... and whenever I remember throughout the day: Which do I choose? Union with God, or all of this?

I choose God. It is real in the moment. I take the half-step back into the stillness and bliss of which I am made.

Could it be? This awareness of You is now more than half of me!

Shiva Shiva Shiva... to say your name is bliss and bliss and bliss. I say it over and over (and over). Your name fills me with love and love (and love!)

The world swirls around me now, and with each day I feel far less concerned with how it all takes form in each moment.

I am not the baby-sitter for my Lord's creation.

Shree Krishna... I do what seems right by myself and by You... and leave the results up to You.

If thoughts of suffering, controlling, or fear arise, I notice them right away, and gently stir them back into the consciousness from which they arose. I do not entertain these thoughts, do not invite them in. Once they're in they become my guests. I serve them, though they pretend to serve me.

My discipline about this has become a strong habit. Through grace...

Instead, I am still. I do not fight. These once looked to enemies cannot hook me, cannot start me on an inner junket or personal massacre once arising from a painful rumor about a substantial nothing.

I do not believe in suffering.

I have a funny little smile, hour after hour. The smile of one who knows my Beloved is always closer than close, never out of reach, never...

Every time I think of You I find myself curled around You, partaking of Your dream... my arms fast around You as we soar....

Photo Himalayan Academy

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Ready for take off

RUN - Runway 12 - Ready for takeoff - 06074

I have had one continuous nada (divine sound) all year. Others have come and go, including the exquisite tinkling sounds I love so much. The continuous nada is the plane warming up on the tarmac. It is quieter now. I only really hear it when I listen for it, always there, still there.

Clearly I am being invited to step onto a flight going who knows where, leaving all of this behind. Perhaps I can go whenever I am ready. Perhaps I will be picked up for boarding when it's time to depart.

Perhaps I'm already on board. This seems most likely.

Photo by Keep Your Eyes Wide Open on deviantart

Oh! The first time (except a brief trip in childhood) that I flew in a plane, I was quite scared. I was in my early twenties. We were sitting on the tarmac for almost an hour it seemed. There was some problem, they said. Finally I had the certain realization that the plane wasn't going to take off until I decided I wanted it to. At that exact moment, when I said inside, "okay, let's go...," the plane's engines began to wind up, and the plane began to roll towards the runway.

Now. I have to pause, to ask myself sincerely. If this is it, am I really ready? What does it mean to decide yes, to say yes? It's the biggest "yes" that there is!

I'm testing the waters here, about being okay with moving along to takeoff.

Yes, yes. It is what I want. No doubt. No regrets.

Okay, my Beloved. Let's go.

I am ready for take off.

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