Thursday, May 31, 2018

The change

There came a moment, I think it was less than a week ago, where I said, "no more."

"I'm done."

I watched myself decide with complete certainty that expecting anything in return for participating with this play in my mind was a complete waste.

There was a shift. The "inside" world became more important to me than "the play," the play that has occupied me every moment of this lifetime, until now.

An invisible door closed. It has stayed closed.

It's still closed when I awake in the morning. It's still closed whenever I inspect it.

Yes. Still closed.

This may or may not last. 

That's not up to me.

How different my state is. I concentrate on whatever I am doing.

I am no longer making up a story about life as I go. 'Now' is all that is real. 

Not because I think it is so, (laugh)! It's just how I live, how I am alive, now, here.

There is a change in my subtle body, in my energy. Absolute steadiness. When I choose to consciously experience this feeling of steadiness, I can increase it at will.

(I remember when she visited me a few times recently, invisible, touching me so slightly. "Steady," her touch said, communicating the feeling of steadiness to me. Grace.)

I have finally got full control of my mind. Nothing knocks me off of my center place. Drama comes and goes around me. There is no question of participating. It is jarring, irritating to think otherwise.

I am finally, fully confident that the steady progress of discipline is NOT my path, and that I am not deluded in thinking so.

I remember recently the moment I found there was no difference between inside and outside. God has become so close I was supremely embarrassed for a few days.

Moments come during my day when God touches me, reminds me in my being, again and again, rising through me as a tickle of loving bliss. My every dream, my heart's desire, coming true as eternal union with my Beloved. 

My realization takes the form of a magical fairy tale, in my heart. I always tear up, cry a little when this touch of romantic bliss comes. 

A gift. From my Guru. From God. The perfect gift. Forever. It is all because of Grace.

My ego is not involved. This may or may not be happening to all of my guru's other devotees. I don't need to know either way. I feel no need to evaluate what is happening to me by this or any parameters.

For the first time in my life, I am not struggling to shape an intellectual response to what is happening. I am not trying to bring the previous moment into the current moment as part of a recipe for achieving progress and attainment.

I'm not thinking of attainment.

I'm only writing all this down so I can refer to it later. I'll want to remember how it happened. My guru advises doing this, journaling.

I was born within 100 miles of Zion's National Park. My roots from this incarnation sink deep into this soil.


The more like me I become, the less important I become. A burden surrendered.

St. Therese of Lisieux, the Little Flower

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Become that place

When others talk to me, I remain steady inside. No more leaping and dancing with them. I look and sound like I am participating, and I am. But I am only participating by listening and talking. I do not squander my shakti. My state stays steady.

The motion and sound is often shocking, jarring and disturbing, I think particularly from people who are trying to subtly manipulate my state, i.e. codependents.

There is a stillness. I experience it at the center place, inside. l have become that place.

Photo: unknown (indecipherable)

Wednesday, May 23, 2018


I quit blogging for awhile. 

What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of living?

Not for getting by. Not instead of what is real and essential.

I want everything. It is what my guru offers.

I finally let go of all I thought I needed and wanted, and a space opened up.

Now... I ask over and over: what is the purpose of my life? Of this lifetime? If I don't settle? If I don't bargain? What should I be doing if I'm not wasting my time, wasting the opportunity of this lifetime?

How can I have everything?

Photo: Quaken Aspen by Karen McQuilken
Today, I thought this. This is my attainment: I can have everything, and keep everything... when I can hold it all, when I can become all, without hiding from it, without feeding my ego with it, without careening about as though that is real freedom.

But now, every time I think of something I need to do that I'm not already doing or won't be doing in any case... I don't believe it.

Messy is what I am. Discipline is my delusion. Trying to change is not my path. I love God, and that is my "do." That is my attainment.

Is it said that Bhakti is the most difficult way to become realized... is it because it is not based on discipline, is it because it is an easy path, which means that the results are slow in coming?

But discipline, doing, is not for me. God's lives in my heart, and embraces me with bliss, my true love. I am melting into love. God's bliss is a mighty universe of shakti power, living inside of me, as me. Doing is mostly irrelevant.

My breath and being are your love. The doing is being a part of your living beauty. The doing is accepting your caresses, breathing into the bliss, knowing you as my lover, knowing you

The rest is messiness.

If my subtle body arches with ecstasy, of what purpose is discipline?

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