Sunday, March 10, 2013

Equipoise

Tomboy skills... fishing with my brother
I have a skill!

I have renounced mastering worldly skills and knowledge. And I have renounced avoiding (fear of) being alone. Now that I'm not chasing accomplishments and society, I am (at last) profoundly free.

When I think of skills, I have noticed that in situations where others "lose it," I am the one who is immediately "on," as in my time to shine. Such as encountering a car wreck or some threat to safety. My focus is intense, my thought process clear and controlled (directed).*

I see how this skill of equipoise forms a maha skill that serves me as a yogini. Perhaps it is something from guru's grace that has been here all along. It seems, even more so lately, that I can talk about my "attainment" without necessarily bragging or feeding my ego, flaws which would take away from the usefulness of my shared experiences to others, and trade my attainment for the booby prize (a fool's cap).

Even better, I see the fine sliver of ego that creeps into all I do and say, and it is this I am learning to offer. Yesterday I had a very large view of the finer workings of my ego. I chose to offer it to the fire. I saw the fire in my mind, and my ego dissolved in it. Immediately I felt changed. When I emerged from dhyana, my eyes felt different, much more relaxed. They are still very relaxed, not irritated as they always were before. (Something to do with the ajna chakra?)

Here's an important skill
(only a tomboy would agree)
I'm aware that some traditions proscribe against talking about attainment at all. This is a fine discipline. I am learning not to trade the cream of an experience of attainment for ego satisfaction ("I did this"). But not mentioning at all doesn't seem right for me. Instead, I am learning how to honestly describe attainment as proceeding from my guru in a dualistic sense, and as being an aspect of my true nature as Paramashiva in the higher, non-dualistic sense.

I'm not sure. I have renounced skill (know-it-all) and fear of alone (look at me). Talking about attainment could easily devolve into another version of these two. If so, I will renounce it as well. I will continue to look at this.

For now it seems that equipoise about sharing attainment is something I can do well enough in a primitive sort of way that I can work on mastering it (with guru's grace). There just aren't a lot of other sorts of mastery that make any sense at all for me. That's why I have renounced this "obsession."

PS I giggled when I though about how funny it is for someone named "Jnana" (sanskrit: "knowledge") to be an obnoxious, compulsive "know-it-all," like me. Ha ha!! (In voice of Tom Hanks starting fire in Castaway): "Look at me, I am THE ONE WHO KNOWS." Oh my Beloved, I know you take great pleasure in strutting about for yourself. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you).

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* (I have also noticed how grounded I am around people who are famous. I don't "lose it" like most people do around celebrity. Celebrity is another essay. Basically, I feel a deep kinship to those with celebrity because I know how difficult it can be for them to create a shared experience, to have a social overlap with others, which is very hard for me).

Also, I have a very strong streak of not hiding things that will cause me difficulty, or suggest even the slightest pretense or subterfuge. It is a determine "lack" of skill, in a way. It seems somehow related in terms of feeling tone. Anyway, not lying to my father saved me a beating (maybe). But I think this is something from a past life, as is the equipoise. I haven't finished my attainment. I'm picking up where I left off.


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