Tuesday, November 25, 2014


It is an attainment to not reach for siddhis* when they arise. This attainment is worth a thousand siddhis. It is real, a place and means of being that is unshaken, even by the gift of magical powers.

This and all attainment comes from grace (sorry ego).

I am steady inside. Things lurch. That's what they do.


Nope. I'm not that. Why did I ever think I was that?

Why did I ever even think I was that? So strange, the things that are falling away.

Inside I am steady. The lurching about, way over here, which means the pendulum had to swing way over there... has finally reached stasis.

For how long, who knows?? One never does, that I do know.

But now I am experiencing solid stillness, with the usual lurching around me, pulling at me.

Occasional slips bring a HUGE BURN. Poof! I am still again.


*"Magical powers" that arise from austerities, spiritual practices such as meditation, yoga, etc. Sadhus who can be buried alive for days and emerge with no damage for example. These skills are known as siddhis. They are often described as distractions from the ultimate goal, which is realization.

Monday, November 10, 2014


Fall feels like waking up for me. The long, languid dream of Summer gives way to a nostalgic return to a time of change, of turning inward.

I am burning "good" stuff now, which is a nice break. Times I enjoyed, but still feel too "small," now, if I ever fit in them at all.

Even the expanse into Fall feels too small to me, too concentrated, the way burning feels. Like a pressure from within is pushing outward, pushing on the boundaries I accepted as real, dissolving them in myself. Only, burning limitations I once accepted as "good" aren't usually as painful as burning limiting experiences that were "bad."

Be light, my guru says. Be buoyant, unbound. I will hold you. You can expand into me.

Over and over, the old feeling that arises, "now I can _______," play computer games, eat donuts, sleep, ad infinitum.... these are the lifelong obsessions with finding fulfillment in the world of maya, the illusion of separateness.

Now, because of my guru's grace, I just as often notice this impulse to find fulfillment in some-thing, and immediately turn inside to take God's darshan, to slip into Shiva, dear to him, sure in the knowledge that there is but one answer to a heart that feels empty, and this source is always closer than close.

My Lord Shiva... is what I am made of.

Monday, November 3, 2014

It only ends once

It's time to finish up...

I am in a place where my head is not turned by spiritual experiences. I notice them, and I know it is my guru's shakti, so I thank her inside.

I am almost at the place just now... where contracted or expanded consciousness is the same. It is consciousness. All of this... It is an illusion to think that what I am is here in this play, except as the play itself, which is Shiva.

I am solitary. I burn the fear and helplessness of *anava mala, and the contraction is almost unbearable. But soon it stops, and I am so much lighter. I can breathe again.

There is no work, except seeing. There is no attainment, except knowing. And yet, I am at last unsure as to what any moment means, undoing the compensations of adulthood.

It is a sweet little curl of consciousness which flows up from inside, encircling my heart, as I feel it swell...

It's time to finish up, to begin the farewells.

I feel like a long lost relative who's path at last winds towards home, there several ridges distant and closer each moment.

I am saying farewell to this place. Perhaps there will be more farewells later. I am not concerned with timing.

Still... it is time to finish up. 

It only ends once.


*One of the three malas, or impurities, anava mala is the low self-esteem, insecurity, a deep feeling of separateness, and a complete pre-occupation with self which results from feeling that we are individual, small and separate. It is the source of incompleteness we experience, which gives rise to feelings of insecurity and sadness.

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