Saturday, March 9, 2013

Anava mala

ānavamala ~ I am less than (the) whole. I am without some things. There is always something missing. I cannot be happy until ______________.


OBSESSIONS that ruled my life:
  • I will achieve success being with people. I will be with other people; we will share the same world (starting with not being Dorothy, do not be alone, never give up). "I choose to wait until I learn how to be with others..."
  • I will achieve success in the world, and be recognized as having special knowledge. I will master (many) arts and skills (skiing, counseling, network administration). "I choose to wait until I am educated to pursue a profession (adulthood)." "I will constantly (try to) create intimacy with others by educating them on what I have learned about __________."
  • I will achieve beauty, grace and individuality physically. I will become thin again and express myself through clothes, hair, etc. (being fat precludes individuality). "I choose to wait until I am thin again..."
I recently addressed these obsessions all within a few weeks of each other. My life has been completely transformed. The shakti of my guru has pushed past these rejected limitations, and expanded my life with the knowledge and experience of God. Jaya sadguru.

NOW:

  • I have given up on being with other people. I am alone. Period. I only visit others in their world, no one visits me in mine. My world is atma-guru-paramashiva as one. 
  • I will never achieve success in the world. I have never mastered anything, except seeking and knowing God. This is now my entire focus.
  • I am not waiting until this body is thin to live this life. If I become thin again, I'll know the comfort with my clothes, the flexibility and focus of yoga, and the delight of running will again be mine. Until then... 'I DON'T CARE." At least, most of the time (a huge improvement).
 I love being alone (...with God) 


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Sweet Surprise 2017


Forever and ever...


...closer than close.