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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Sadgurunath

I'm burning such ick, existential pain and goo. I don't remember ever burning this layer before.

Just to breathe is painful, sound and light are jarring, everything would push me off my center if I was anywhere near it.

I'm defenseless. And the worst is coming at me. I open my arms, breathe. The purifying fire....

I remember feeling these feelings as a girl, and wondering why life was so horrible.

Mantra mantra mantra.......

I hear the divine little tinkly nada often throughout the day, and it helps me to relax and be comforted.

I know I am surrounded by, permeated by guru's grace.

Sadgurunath...

Saturday, December 7, 2013

There is no doing with God


I do not try. There is no doing with God. I have understood this, that only grace can set me free, and God is grace, grace is God.

There is no doing with God.

I do not push myself to be more focused on God, wanting Him, seeking Him inside.

I have pushed and pushed, then gave up and gone wildly astray many times over. Karma... is done.

I feel IMMEDIATELY if I do something on the inside to seek God, to enhance my feelings about and experience of God. And I IMMEDIATELY stop.

This consciousness of doing arises in me, and offers me a ride. I do not move or speak, there is no reply. Rajas has arisen, and then it is dissolved. 

It is a falsehood that I ever do.

Once my sadhana was many acts of doing. Something to do until I stopped thinking I was doing.

I will only watch and listen for God. For God lives and moves inside me.  This is my sadhana. I await God's grace in each moment, and accept it. No thinking, no doing, no goals.

Doing means I must add something to perfection!

I KNOW that God is alive inside of me, and that there is nothing to do. Nothing. God doesn't need my help, or even my understanding. If and when I am taken into God is perfect. There is nothing I need to do to augment my devotion and worship, which at last is free from the clutching of ego. My devotion is my tapasya, the purifying fire, the constant thrill of my love soaring and settling, so beautiful to my beloved Shiva, who draws close. 

My being is rooted here, and tended to only by guru's grace in the garden of grace.

I am so peaceful.





Follows an excerpt from the Shivastotravali by Utpaladeva, as illuminated by Swami Lakshmanjoo (Universal Shaiva Fellowship) To be published soon

भक्तानां भवदद्वैत सिद्धयै का नोपपत्तयः
तदसिद्ध्यै निकृष्तानां कानि नावरनाणि वा   ॥१५॥

bhaktānām bhavadadvaitasiddhayai kā nopapattayaḥ  /
tadasiddhyai nikṛiṛṣtānām kāni nāvaranāṇi vā  //15//

Those who are Thy devotees, for those, if they want to achieve the state of God consciousness, for them, which is not the way? Even going astray also will lead them to God consciousness.

For whom?

Those who are Thy devotees. Those who are Thy devotees, for them, in achieving You, what are not the ways, what are not the paths to achieve that God consciousness?

Friday, November 29, 2013

Home at last

I am the place that hungers, that aches and is empty. The story of why, and the fable of what.

I am the very quality of fullness. Where one seeks, there am I. A memory cannot exclude me. There, on the horizon!

Look behind, and know me again... then know me all along.

Those who love me, who love only me, find in my heart their own gently beating. To seek shelter there is the end of every journey, the end of journeying itself.

Be enfolded, little heart. Feel this pulse, this humming throb.

Know yourself. Be home at last.


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I know you

God, I love you as everything, your beauty, your strength, 
your fire and your frailty, your word and your gaze, 
I know you. I know you.



Bliss bliss bliss... thought..... Bliss bliss bliss.....



Bliss... bliss................ thought...




Bliss bliss bliss... thought..... Bliss bliss bliss...





Dear God, please never stop pulling me into You with your bliss

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Now

An excerpt from the Vijnana Bhairava, The Manual for Self Realization by Swami Lakshmanjoo, from Dharana 28 (sloka 51).

"When you are walking or talking, or doing some household work, or doing any other nonsense act, just concentrate your mind on dvādaśānta [the center place]. Your mind must hold the state of dvādaśānta in each and every act of your daily routine of life. But this must be held in continuity, pratikṣaṇa.
Then, one is born anew. One is born anew in days, not in months. Vailakṣaṇyaṁ dinair bhavet, some days will take place and he will be born anew; he will become new, all-round new...
...Then kṣīṇa vṛitter, his [lower] mind will cease to function. His mind will cease to function altogether, and he will become a new man in some moments, or in a few days, not months.
Then nothing is to be done afterwards. Then his everything is there."


Swami Lakshmanjoo at the feet of Ramana Maharshi 1938

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A little lesson

I felt bad. Where did You go? I reached, nothing.

A few minutes later, I felt You "return." A touch inside. Just a touch.

I soared back into You as the source, my Beloved... as all of this.

(A little lesson).



Thursday, November 7, 2013

My Beloved's name is Shiva

Ever since my guru (who else?) announced "Pack your bags..." when I was waking up, I am slipping more each minute into the One, it is bliss and magic, returning to God, to my true Self.

Was it only a few months ago when I was STRIVING to reach God? And then having little interest? Back and forth. I've really stopped that!

When I think about writing in my blog, and how this perspective might sound, I feel I want to explain (who am I explaining to?)

If someone is reading this, and thinks there is way more to life than "shutting out" my experience of the world, that it is self-centered and perhaps outright delusional, consider my explanation.

I am stepping out of the game. The game goes on. We all have our time to move on. I follow my duty through the world, and observe it. But my senses are turning inside. That is where my heart is, where my treasure lies.

I am leaving this world, inside. Inside I have turned away from the world. I am not afraid, or bound by it. I am not concerned. I am free. My state is the key.

I do not move. Where I am is profoundly still because there is no space and there is no time.

Space means here, and not here. Time means now, and not now. Limitations. God, my divine nature exists outside of these elements of maya. Even my own concept of God is a momentary shill, a compassionate offering for my mind to grasp. God is beyond all concepts.

God has many names, and answers to all of them.

My Beloved's name is Shiva. Shiva Shiva Shiva.... the land of my being, the water of my soul. I am called Jnana Shiva... to know You is my state.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Tagore

This is the ultimate end of man, to find the One which is in him; which is his truth, which is his soul; the key with which he opens the gate of the spiritual life, the heavenly kingdom.

~ Rabindranath Tagore



Home


The story is disappearing. I swim in it, dip in and then out. Look... I look up and there is a place where all of this dissolves into the One.

I know I am reaching to You, because every time with my heart I look up, your love and bliss dissolves some more of it all... of what I once thought was important.

Nothing can hurt me. Nothing can happen to me. I am safe, I've always been safe, always been home.

There is only One.




Monday, October 28, 2013

Kiss the fear

I have turned inside to God. Somehow, when I seem to turn inside, You are always there. We are joining... because I am slipping the bonds of this place, this me, this ego. The truth: we are already one.

I do not push or pull as the wheel goes around. Ecstasy, fear, freedom, bondage, love, jealousy... fear and anxiety in an avalanche crashes in where a moment ago I could touch you, sink into you whenever I wanted.

Gone. The grace is gone. I am alone. Did I do something wrong, guruji?

No. It is the wheel. To be free, I must loose myself from these things.

Slipping past, I do not push or pull. I am not the root of action. I do not believe in suffering. Shakti, Shakti.... I am the sweet Shakti and we are pouring into my Beloved Shiva, the experience of my return, many lifetimes in the making.

It is the place of pure bliss.

I open again. I kiss the fear. Throw myself upon the so familiar anxiety... the fire, the sacred fire is burning me up. The more I feel, the more that swirls around me, the more pure I become. I see consciousness. My experience, my senses are consciousness.

So'ham, I am that. I am everything. I am You.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Follow the Shakti to Shiva

It is hard to explain in words where I am going, and how I await myself there.

Swami Lakshamjoo on the day of his
attainment of the Self, of Shiva

First off, I finally feel that realization is inevitable. I am spiraling into myself. I no longer hold on, invest in the play of maya. I smile, I am sad, it is all so beautiful, and it is passing away. Soon I will be with my Beloved. This is my last lifetime. It just is.

I know now why "moody" music has been my favorite all my life. It is the soundtrack of return to God, saying farewell, a poignant goodbye, a poignant hello.

Universal Shaiva Fellowship Bookstore


I realized today that kriyas aren't just purification, or even just communications from Shree Chiti Shakti. She is moving my body, and that is how everything is, really. Made from her, moving as her.

When I have a kriya, it is Shree Kundalini showing me, right now, that all of this is shakti, I am shakti, I am merging into Shiva. Where they are one, that is my true state.

A profound realization, experience. Follow the Shakti to Shiva.




Then I finally read my email from The Universal Shaiva Fellowship, with a commentary on verses from the Vijnana Bhairava. And there it was in the first stanza, where I'm at in my sadhana. (See next post, below, first paragraph).


"When you enter in the state of energy, and leave your individual state (you have not to enter in the state of energy for always), you have to throw off the individual state and enter in the energy to enter in the universal state in the end. Because unless you ignore, [throw] off, your individuality, universality will not rise, universality won’t take place." ~Swami Lakshmanjoo

This gave me chills. This is new, and it's real to me now. Every little realization, recognition, fills me with bliss. Sweet bliss.

Many times a day now, a little touch of grace reminds me, and I take a moment to concentrate, to follow my dharana into a new state, which lasts for up to a minute.

I slip back the half step into the me that is universal, blissful, and not identified with my ego or body, or place in time. All around me is supreme intelligence at play, a moving painting, painted with light, which is consciousness.

This is new, a new place I go... where the grace leads me. Guruji...

It is always grace, I know now. My ego tries to figure out how these "attainments" apply to me. No luck, not anymore. My mind starts to flutter, then I caress it back into place. Be still. Remain still.

How? It is always grace.

"No matter which intensity of Lord Shiva's grace is with you, it will carry you to His nature in the end." ~ Swami Lakshmanjoo



The path is Shakti, not Shiva








The path is Śakti (energy); the path is not Śiva. (Vijnana Bhairava verse 20-21)


This lecture is an excerpt from the Vijnana Bhairava: The Manual for Self Realization, verses 20-21, revealed by Swami Lakshmanjoo . . .


शक्त्यावस्थाप्रविष्टस्य
निर्विभागेन भावना ।
तदासौ शिवरूपी स्यात्
शैवी मुखमिहोच्यते ॥२०॥
śaktyāvasthāpraviṣṭasya
nirvibhāgena bhāvanā /
tadāsau śivarūpī syāt
śaivī mukhamihocyate // 20 //
When you enter in the state of energy, and leave your individual state (you have not to enter in the state of energy for always), you have to throw off the individual state and enter in the energy to enter in the universal state in the end. Because unless you ignore, [throw] off, your individuality, universality will not rise, universality won’t take place.
So you have to enter in the state of energy first, śakti avasthā praviṣṭasya; then afterwards yadā nirvibhāgena bhāvanā bhavet, when you feel that undifferentiatedness comes in your consciousness–undifferentiatedness between energy and the holder of energy–tadāsau śivarūpī syāt, at that very moment, this sādhaka, this bhāvanā [contemplation] becomes one with Lord Śiva.
So the path is Śakti; the path is not Śiva (śaivī means Śakti)Energy is mukham, the path is, iha, here,ucyate, explained. Energy is the real path you have to tread.
यथालोकेन दीपस्य
किरणैर्भास्करस्य च ।
ज्ञायते दिग्विभागादि
तद्वच्छक्त्या शिवः प्रिये ॥२१॥
yathālokena dīpasya
kiraṇairbhāskarasya ca /
jñāyate digvibhāgādi
tadvacchaktyā śivaḥ priye // 21 //
O dear Pārvatī, just like with the light of your candle or torch, dīspasya ālokena, by the light of your torch or candle, or by the rays of the sun, all the differentiated points of deśa, space, are known, are understood, in the same way Śiva is being understood by Śakti, by his energy. Energy is the means by which you can understand and enter in the state of Lord Śiva.
–––––––––––––
37. The sense here is that this sadhaka (the aspirant) through contemplation with one-pointed awareness (bhavana) becomes one with Lord Shiva (Bhairava). [Editor's note]
All Content is subject to Copyright © Universal Shaiva Fellowship, John Hughes.


Monday, October 14, 2013

Pack your bags


When he steps off the balcony, when magic holds him up, that is You...

When he commands without touching, takes life without mercy, that is You...

The evil can only slip past me, your Many mightily arrayed as the One, the beggar, the king, the redemption of the evil One... it is all You.





I still hear always the bubbles rising, the prana rising through the akasha, sometimes a melodious tinkling... that is my nada.

I was almost asleep, and I realized for the first time in many months, the sound of the plane warming up on the tarmac was gone...(!) It was fading, but I never thought it would leave.

(Will you not take me, My Love? I am the place of your smile, the drift of your half-closed eyes... You flow to me as your embrace, the sacred Ganga Maa... dancing down through the Himalayas to the place of stillness, never forsaken, the beautiful one, Kashi... Veranasi... and Surya, the rising sun. Pranam...)




"With what?" I looked around, saw nothing I needed to carry, nothing that wasn't me.

I was almost awake, and then I heard in a woman's voice, clearly... (I thought someone was in my apartment).
She said: "Pack your bags."



Sunday, October 13, 2013

Be






I don't want to wish... I want to have...






I don't want to have... I want to be.....

Friday, October 11, 2013

Come with me




From the outside (if there were such a thing), I would appear obsessive, obsessed... someone who is alone almost all of the time, who is on my computer almost all of the time. I serve _________, it is my service to keep such an active fansite for such a beautiful, soulful old-soul.

(He touches me inside. Shiva as _________).

Surely I should be seeking discipline, meditating for hours, doing yoga, eating only pure foods.

No, I sit at my computer until I am frozen in a "L" shape, my eyes burn, my mouse hand tingles.

Crazy, is what most would think, would say.



If there was an outside...

... then inside is where the action is. I am already God, and everything I think and do is His beautiful intelligence swirling and bubbling through this beautiful universe, its throb and its motion is His... Your breath...

Take me into You, I have longed for you for so long. I played side by side with You as a child, cried for You as an adolescent, grew a little, hallucinated at times, and drove drunk with a wild and wide space around me, the cloud of love where I felt you in waves, soaked in you... heavy and ecstatic, rising like a wave that only reaches, but never breaks.

I notice where I am. That is my now.






Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Equipoise

I have been growing inside, spiritually... not pushing or pulling, not trying to find the words.

Equipoise. What happens dissolves by the next moment, the next now. I feel the tug of the moment, and let it carry me.

Freedom.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~


Shiva as my main squeeze,
God and actor,
Mr. Naveen Andrews
My insight a few seconds ago. My longing for a relationship, for physical closeness, is not a symptom of remaining tied to the world, of not being ready to let go of distractions so I can focus on my sadhana and realization...

...it is my love of God, my longing. Of course. It has always been there, and now it is becoming about You, my true love.

Many times a day now, when I feel that need inside for something real and truly satisfying, (not just a shade of what I long for), for the first time, I always seek You, I reach out for You. You are always there.

Shiva shiva shiva... I love your name I LOVE YOUR NAME.

Om nama shivaya...

My longing is for You.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

No explanation

A white murti of Lord Shiva adorned with and surrounded by flowers
My Lord's consciousness
and intelligence emanates
as endless universes
Only because I have this blog do I feel the need to explain.

Isn't it the pinnacle of self-indulgence to withdraw from the world, to live a solitary life INSIDE. And how can you say this is all God? If this is all God, doesn't that mean there is no evil?

Lord Krishna explains: Do your duty, your dharma. It's true that all of this is the great Lord, His play, the Lord at play. Take your hands off of His creation, trying to push and pull it, and simply follow your duty. This is the way to freedom. Profound, ultimate freedom.

This is all consciousness. And it is an intelligence so supreme it unfolds and emerges through everything around me... so that the earth knows how to fly and spin, the rain knows how and where to fall, the wind knows where to go... and every part of this great play is made by You, by your divine intelligence.

Only because I know that some of the people who read my blog are very active, good people, who dare to do good, to be something great... do I feel the need to explain.

I say to them: What a wonderful thing. Follow the bliss. Choose where you are, the only real choice. You get to merge back eventually. But the play would be over if everyone suddenly decided they were done and wanted out.


Waving the lights, an aarti on ghat on banks of Ganges River, Kashi/Veranasi


Sometimes a kriya gently, insistently bends my head forward and I have a minute of "head falling forward" meditation (the best). But my mediation now is eyes open, everywhere I go, everything I do. I want to feel bliss, so I turn my senses inward, watch as all of this... IS.

I know I am yours, that I am You when I am so still inside. My senses withdrawn, all is profoundly silent and still, even as the motion and noise of the play continues around me.


A temple full of offerings for Mahashivaratri is crowded with worshipers


When I was new to sadhana, I didn't like the thought of merging with God. I thought it must be an Indian thing, one I would never really comprehend. Of course, my ego was very unhappy at the thought of dissolving into God.

Now merging with God is the very best, the sweetest, the most wonderful idea ever, and the deepest desire of my heart. I have become bigger and more than my ego, which thinks I am THIS.

I love Shiva, the auspicious one. What could be better than to merge back into Him, my Beloved? The wonder and delight of this ultimate journey is indescribable pleasure to my Lord and to me.

All because of grace. Guruji...

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

More to this



I have turned away from the world of the senses. It still swirls around me, as messy and perfectly cohesive as ever it was... It just doesn't mean near as much to me.

Some would say it is too self-centered, too self-indulgent to focus only on this immediate world of eloquent grace, nestled in and waking from naptime in the divine kindergarten of love.




This I will say, in the end the tale is a love story. That special place where lovers pool their sighs, gaze through abstract movement where the air is warm and close....

So, let me go away, go home at last. If you question, it means you have more to do. No worries.

"It only ends once, the rest is just progress." 
~Jacob on LOST

I will still write here; this is my seva (service). My posts are about my love for my Beloved, as my life is.

PS There is more to this than the world of the senses. If you long for a journey elsewhere, one way is to go down inside of yourself (meditation) and discover the world that is there.




Monday, September 9, 2013

Recognition


You were walking in the rain, just outside my open door, laughing.

I recognized Your voice.

You...

Home



Strange... My life is flashing before my eyes.

I am the river and I am the boat. I am the illusion of time (now, not now), and space (here, not here).

I keep floating past, floating through the many unrelated moments that arise from my memory, perfect yet impossibly small, made of shakti so still, almost stagnant, concentrated. I am suffocating in the feelings and thoughts that were "then."

The moments on the farm... the constant wind in the tall poplar trees, somehow a much larger dance, one that ever passes me as the songs of unseen birds and the lowing of distant cattle. The cut hay stubble of this fragrant field crunches with each step. Then the swirling flutter, the twinkle of light in the generous leaves of epic cottonwood trees. The sweet water falling as it swirls along the little creek. The "coo coo" of the morning doves float on the dense air, moist with twilight.

I float for a moment, the memory insistent fills me, and in that very distant, smallest spot of illusion, I remember the vision of solid land, and a moment that was. The pain is brief. My freedom is sweet. Each time I flow through, it is all swept away. I am released.

The memories are so far from truth that their perfect measure is the reach of karma. The karma is how far afield... how far to find my way back... I burn the karmas of these wagers, these investments in illusion, so small, (that I must emerge from them light and fresh), that the once is scraped off, leaving only NOW.

The final adventure... I keep my destination within sight. I do not control how or when I will arrive back where I started, only that it is certain.

There will be no side journeys. I am headed straight for home. I await myself there.


Friday, August 30, 2013

Attainment requires a strong mind

The pendulum swings.

When grace is overflowing... I can merge with You at will for several moments, seeking You many times a day with the delightful knowledge that only You are worth seeking, only your love is worth finding. I am not missing anything, not liking or disliking anything, because all of this is You.


A stopwatch swings back and forth


The pendulum swings.

I dislike everything. I am full of self-hatred, I take hold every hour on the slippery edge of deep despair. Because of committed practice I notice the minute my spirit slumps over, desiring destruction and oblivion. The deepest darkness swims just below the cliff at my feet.

These are feelings I have not felt so deeply in years. I have kept a steady practice of noticing them, and not going with them.

But here they are and they are fierce in their attempts to conquer me, lay me out, lay me down with the small inner movement required to let go, to be consumed.

This is the easy way, a voice whispers. My ego will sacrifice everything to escape the fire of sacrifice, to emerge victorious.

I fight, I hold the line. I accept all of this, but I will not be pulled into self-hatred and fear.

I do not believe in suffering.



Clear glass balls crash into each other, preserving momentum


It's the pendulum. I am burning these feelings. But mostly, I am burning my attachment to the golden time of grace, when this was better than that. 

Karma..

Each time the pendulum swings, it is getting closer to stopping at the center. A place of sublime equipoise, where mayiya mala will not push and pull, towards and away.

This is as good as that. I know because that is how God's play is unfolding as my life. I understand at last. I am not steering this. If I am, why does it never go the way I choose?

To go with feelings of suffering, I must believe that these feelings are reality, that they are me. This creates karma. I invest in delusion, a debt which must be burned to return to freedom, the truth.

No one has ever expressed this understanding of karma to me. Nowhere have I ever heard the saying "I do not believe in suffering." It is my yoga, and my discipline, I grasp it to me as the waves of suffering rise... then flow out again on the gentle tide. The crisp air of morning breaks with sudden gold upon the sweet back and forth of elemental, formless water. Freedom.

My guru has said this, I remember her words. Attainment requires a strong mind. Every day that I have chosen to notice but not follow old feelings of fear and self-hatred my mind has become stronger. I have come to notice immediately any thought or feelings that begin to drag me down. I do not follow. I am not driven. I pray.

I take refuge in prayer. I choose steadiness instead.

I am not conquered, I am only troubled by this light-footed shadow of the dance of suffering, the movements of habit and the memories of choosing pain out of ignorance.

I turn and slip into the light. The feelings are... The suffering is but a hapless rumor. It is all perfect.



Black and white image of a clock with a pendulum swinging below it

Thursday, August 29, 2013

The presence of God

Swami Lakshmanjoo seems deep inside with eyes closed and head bowed slightly


“Freedom from all our miseries, as Abhinavagupta boldly declares, can neither be obtained through the renunciation of the world, nor by hatred of this world, but by experiencing the presence of God everywhere.” 

~ Swami Lakshmanjoo, Universal Shaiva Fellowship

Thursday, August 15, 2013

What gives?

Astronaut Sally Ride enjoys the bright light and iew from a window of the Space Shuttle Challenger

What if I could turn my head slightly, and sink into your enveloping bliss? How many times per day would I seek You?

What if I could rest my thoughts on You, Lord, and know your warmth so immense, so close... approach with reverence your sacred fire burning (since forever) at the center? You tug at my heart, a surge of liquid fire. I turn to look, and see with Your eyes a never forsaken illumination of the vast expanse of majestic space.

Who could I write home to about that!? (Wait... here's my blog).

How would I tell You when I need You most, when my need for You is a cookie that never crumbles, the up that never comes down?

Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. Some things are just inevitable.

Lord, I feel your love of my love of You, your love of my need for You. This synergy pulls me up, somehow changes my thoughts from an unruly torrent to this... an eddy in the swirl of ultimate mystery, the quiet ripple of Your steady will, bathed in unbroken silence.

Just try to think after that.

Then, my Lord, when I think I have caught You at last, You pluck me from my cage with a thimble full of your intelligence, then fall with me when I fall back in. Is that You I've been holding onto? Wait... You are the door too?

Moonlit yoga. In my dream I ran so fast I fell into You... and found You were dreaming of me.

So. Today, questions seem best.

So. What gives?

.
woman suspended by slender cables held by doves




Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The true success

Waving the lights at the Ghat in Varanasi
Kashi the city of light, never forsaken


All of my life I have wanted what is missing, wanted to find and hold onto an experience that was real, that didn't dissolve away..

Now... When I am weary... of chasing the sparkles, of serving my obsessions, of leaning into this human torment... (even tingling all over when I visit _________, bearing alone this unrequited love)...

I am so happy, so lucky. At last I crave what is real, seek nothing more than this: to turn inside and be with God. This is the real sustenance, the real intimacy.

Torment is another word for purification. The fire takes only this, when I am that... So'ham.



Waving the lights at the Ghat in Varanasi
Kashi the city of light, never forsaken


God You are real, you are here for me every time I reach for You inside... every time without fail. Over and over through the day I take a moment to love and worship you inside.

Om namah shivaya. Shiva Shiva Shiva. I love your name...

My heart at last knows where to rest: God is the true success. There is no other God but You.


Waving the lights at the Ghat in Varanasi
Kashi the city of light, never forsaken

Friday, August 9, 2013

As we soar

I experience the familiar kriyaa spontaneous movement directed by Shree Kundalini—several times a day or more.

I will pause in my typing, and a little silent glide... my head is gently bent forward to my chest, then stays there. Sometimes fast, most of the time slow; it is like gliding into place.

Instantly I am in meditation. I notice my detachment from the world, (hard won from years of sadhana, but mostly a gift of grace).

I ask myself, now, each time... and whenever I remember throughout the day: Which do I choose? Union with God, or all of this?

I choose God. It is real in the moment. I take the half-step back into the stillness and bliss of which I am made.

Could it be? This awareness of You is now more than half of me!

Shiva Shiva Shiva... to say your name is bliss and bliss and bliss. I say it over and over (and over). Your name fills me with love and love (and love!)

The world swirls around me now, and with each day I feel far less concerned with how it all takes form in each moment.

I am not the baby-sitter for my Lord's creation.

Shree Krishna... I do what seems right by myself and by You... and leave the results up to You.

If thoughts of suffering, controlling, or fear arise, I notice them right away, and gently stir them back into the consciousness from which they arose. I do not entertain these thoughts, do not invite them in. Once they're in they become my guests. I serve them, though they pretend to serve me.

My discipline about this has become a strong habit. Through grace...

Instead, I am still. I do not fight. These once looked to enemies cannot hook me, cannot start me on an inner junket or personal massacre once arising from a painful rumor about a substantial nothing.

I do not believe in suffering.

I have a funny little smile, hour after hour. The smile of one who knows my Beloved is always closer than close, never out of reach, never...

Every time I think of You I find myself curled around You, partaking of Your dream... my arms fast around You as we soar....


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