Saturday, July 30, 2016

Reaching to that One

Evening arati in Varanasi

I used to think that worship was about the form. Focus on the form to get it right. Figure it out. Do it. Do.

Doing gets in the way for me. There is no where to get to, no fantastical doorway to somehow open if I progress enough. This got in the way.

Now. Here. Nowhere to go. God.

When I view the beautiful photos of the arati in Veranasi and Rishikesh, the brahmins are not looking here or there, close or far. They are looking at what is always, and what is everywhere, that One. That is their worship. Seeing with the heart, offering what is best, joining the Beloved, dissolving in Him as bliss.

They wave the lights, then hold them higher, highest, holding long....

Worship. Love. Reaching to that One.

Ganga. Surya. Shiva. 

Never forsaken.


Evening arati in Varanasi

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Jet lag for yoginis

I feel as though I was a big rubber band, always stretched and taut, pulling. All my life. All.

And now it has all been loosened.

I'm dreamy and soft, and can't think about anything complicated. I lose almost every board I play in my favorite game. I really can't talk very well. More like sputtering. Brain is moving slow. Like jet lag for yoginis.

I am indulging the feeling of letting go. It feels wonderful to lay in bed for hours (watching Justified season 2, ya!).

I know I cannot live the way I did before this gift from my guru. I have thrown off the old. My extreme habits made from "fixing a broken life" are falling away from me.

I have complete trust that my guru will show me a new way to live after I have rested up and let the old ways go.

Friday, July 22, 2016

New rule

Former lifelong rule: only commit to (sadhana and other) methods that will give solid and immediate progress, that don't require constant attention and effort. I decided this as a child so I wouldn't "get lost" in the depleting pursuits of others around me.

"Chanting (etc.) is okay, but it doesn't get me there." Everything was about getting there.

Then, I dropped all the "fixing" and "getting there" architecture built up in my being.

All because I said yes to merging with the guru, with finding her inside me, and the gifts that my guru given to us for several months, gifts she is showering on me right now? 

New rule: chant, mantra, meditation (etc.) to experience the love of God, drawing near to God, loving God... God and guru. To feel the vibrations of purity and love in my being.

The experience is now, always now. Progress is not required. It really is the journey, not the destination.

I guess most or all of this seems obvious to seekers. But I thought I had to somehow achieve realization. I had reached a point where my sadhana wasn't about practices. It was about the discipline, purification and enlightenment of my mind. This control of my mind has blossomed into something unexpected.

I am on the path of choosing God, loving God, and opening myself to my guru's grace. I don't have to worry about the right actions and/or timing. I don't have to worry about "getting there." I already worry about that way too much.

How can I further describe the revolution that is taking place in my life?

Thursday, July 21, 2016


Evening aarati at Rishikesh

I was so attached to the story.

I pulled away from it, a little every day. For years. I wanted to be free of it, to only live in the inner world.

And now. To my great surprise.

This is who I am, where I am. I don't have to get somewhere here or away from here, now or later. God is me... as this.

Enjoy it! Be of service. I am free.


I worship You, I worship You

So great that You are everything and everywhere I go

Tuesday, July 19, 2016


I feel SO MUCH gratitude. Thank you Shree Guru for bringing me forever to my place at your feet. I am blessed beyond any measure.


There is something of my own consciousness which I see in sadhu's eyes. The stuffing of life burned away, a pure consciousness is left, a lightness, a soul, a smile. Darshan of my Lord.
It is a spiritual attainment I have received as a gift from my guru and my own sadhana, the constant burning of years of believing that this story is happening to me.
Similarly, my life has always been outside of other's lives. I was mostly alone as a child. I developed an obsession with being with others. It was a happy day of freedom when I finally gave that up. Now I am like the sadhu (sadhini) who wanders, who belongs and lives inside, the inner world. 
I do not work, I am not married, I have no children. I have very little contact with my family. I have one true friend, and that is enough. It is a lot. There is no sangham here in Las Vegas. But there is an online sangham that I visit every day, one that is very active and so nourishing.

A sadhu in Nepal

Pashupatinath Temple

Photo Pacific Press

Sunday, July 17, 2016

It is so much better

It is so much better to step out of the world's frenetic twirl, to be this soft smile of shared bliss. It is so much better when I remember, and want to stay, not just wander by. I have dreamed of just this, all of my life.

My bliss in your instruction, in your abode. 
There is no place, no other for me.

My guru's gifts for Gurupurnima are waxing like the moon.

Friday, July 15, 2016

An unexpected intimacy

My Guru speaks in my heart:

Why do you keep pretending we are apart? 
That we will ever be apart??

I am here, and so are you.

It's just how we roll.


You keep forgetting. Stop that.

*The ashram is the guru, the living shakti of my Shree Guru.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Can you feel the love of home?

That magical feeling, of floating over the last hill before home.

The place that I love best, near or far, goes with me everywhere, here in my heart.

My home is always here... watching myself roam. 

Can you feel the love of home?

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

So quiet

I am so quiet, so still. I feel no need to react to anything, to act on anything.

I know that this comes from grace, and how long it stays is determined by grace.

So quiet. Centered. Senses pulled within. A constant meditation.


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

A precious gift of grace

Bliss... bliss... When I'm not burning.

When I'm burning, familiar fears come up, and for the first time in this lifetime I can look at them without doing anything, without losing my state.

People and situations that were perplexing and painful just a few weeks ago are simply something appearing before me.

Shree Krishna, I offer the fruits of my actions to you. I am free. I love you so...

Exquisite nectar fills me with supreme joy. I receive wave after wave of bliss, remembering the wonderful memories where I felt the magic, I knew there was magic, and knew that I must have it, I must find it.

I have stepped back. The world of the senses doesn't pull and push on me near as often.

Equipoise. A precious gift of grace. She is giving us everything.

A beautiful being whose entire life is one of boundless love and service

Sunday, July 3, 2016

My lifelong obsession

Photo: Raymond Eldstad 

I have discarded the lifelong obsession that I will somehow fix my broken life. 

I finally reached a moment where I stepped back and looked at myself. I noticed that I was in a great deal of pain. Familiar pain. Constantly unresolved pain. I was contorted by it, the last to know.

I freed myself. I whispered to myself, "I don't care." I no longer care about my life's work, a lifelong obsession to fix a ruined life. I don't care about the many past moments of failure and pain that flood into the my consciousness at the cost of now.

"I don't care" is the mantra to loosen caring too much.

My dance with this obsession is bondage, and letting go of an epic grip on my life is freedom. The details do not matter.

"I don't care." 

I visualize each painful memory when they arise—a slip of consciousness that I mistakenly thought was happening to me, the truth traded in for a kind of karmic coat check. As I focus my consciousness on the memory, I see it slipping away from me, burning in a sudden whoosh, or turning to dust, the pain rejected and spun off like dross. Consciousness disolves into consciousness. Immediately I feel lighter, slipping into the center place of bliss.

I am not the story, the places or the people. I am this inner place of bliss.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Grace never forgets you

"Through dhyāna, meditation, you allow yourself to become more subtle. As the kundalinī energy moves through you, you get rid of whatever you don’t need.  
Then meditation doesn’t just happen at a given time, it happens constantly. As you go about your daily actions, you are recharged.  
This is a very high yoga. Once it catches you, it never lets you go. Even if you forget grace, grace never forgets you. It will always be following you."
~ Mahāmandaleshwar Swami Nityānanda 

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