Thursday, September 29, 2016

My melting heart

My heart has been melting...

I thought of someone I had hurt badly when I was 19 years old. I had felt numb about it all these years, just not caring one way or another, although I knew intellectually I had done something so hurtful.

I tried to find him once in the past, but was unsuccessful.

And this time, when I thought of him, I felt my love for him. I still love him. This was a revelation.

I kept thinking of him. Thoughts of him would break through whatever had my attention, and I felt my caring for him.

Finally I tried again to find him. I found him in a few steps with an online search service. Wow.

Should I contact him? This will be worse than fruitless if I hurt him again. Contacting him is a big responsibility. Can we be friends, if he will talk to me? I will not hurt him again.

Karma. We still have karma.

I kept thinking of him, my feelings breaking through whatever I was focusing on. It felt urgent.

It started to be intense. Overwhelming feelings about him.

Then, I physically felt someone (my guru?) behind me in my desk chair, leaning over me, hugging me so that I felt their presence partly inside of me, a strong energy.

(The guru is outside. The guru in inside).

This is urgent. Don't wait.


I sent him a letter. He called me. I called him back.

I think he is alone. He still has an alcohol problem, and I'm guessing also meth. He has cancer, and has been having chemo. They give him six months.

He has a son he recently reconciled with. He is living in his parent's home with his aging mother.

He talked my ear off at breakneck speed. Meth? Fear?

I'm committed. Whatever that means, for me. To be there for him. To be the contact for my Guru's shakti. A priceless gift.

Yes. I will not bear him, hold him up. My Guru's shakti will go from me into him. I am the conduit. What a delight.

UPDATE: I spoke with him again. He has a crushed hip from a bicycle accident, and must use crushes. We traded war stories, and discussed unfinished arguments. It feels we have taken up (with our karmas) right where we left off in 1978. 

UPDATE: Happy conversations. Karmas complete. So many *samskaras have melted away. As always, my Guru sets me free.

*Samskara (Hinduism, especially Karmic theory): the mental impression, recollection, and psychological imprint left by beliefs, intentions, and actions."

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Diamonds are forever

Shiva Parvati
I think I see Kama's love arrows

I was humming a tune I don't remember ever paying much attention to. I laughed, as I realized I was singing about trading up from the disappointing charades of the world for that which is permanent, most precious, luminous, and which will linger forever.

My Beloved will never leave in the night. He will never desert me. Nothing will hide in His transparent heart to hurt me. He never lies. My lover lingers.

He is forever.

“As the earth dies your spirit will bloom; as the world fades your soul will rise and glisten. Amongst the dehydrated crevices of a desert earth you will stumble upon your diamonds; in between the dry skulls and cracked bones you will find your sapphires.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Diamonds Are Forever by Shirley Bassey

Diamonds are forever, they are all I need to please me
They can stimulate and tease me

They won't leave in the night

I've no fear that they might desert me

Diamonds are forever, hold one up and then caress it
Touch it, stroke it and undress it
I can see ev'ry part, nothing hides in the heart to hurt me

I don't need love, for what good will love do me?
Diamonds never lie to me
For when love's gone, they'll lustre on

Diamonds are forever, sparkling round my little finger
Unlike men, the diamonds linger
Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for

I don't need love, for what good will love do me?
Diamonds never lie to me
For when love's gone, they'll lustre on

Diamonds are forever, forever, forever

Theme from the James Bond film 
"Diamonds are Forever"

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Abundantly evident

Utpaladeva says:

Nothing can shine that is separate 
from the light of your form, O Lord
Therefore, though disguised by nature, 
you remain accessible 

Just as it here is certain through great insight
That you are everything
That there is nothing else
Either existent or nonexistent
So, then, be abundantly evident to me 

The tri-form leaf of the Bilva tree is sacred to Lord Shiva
Yes, Utpala has an abundantly evident sense of humor.

The Shivastotravali and Jnaneshwar's Gita are my two favorite scriptures. They are both chanted every day by many multitudes of devotees.


Shiva and Nandi statuette from

NOTE: Shiva doesn't actually ride on the bull Nandi. His "vehicle" is also a god who brings his own symbolism to that of Shiva, embodying the serenity and unfailing repose of Shiva's constant meditation

This luminous translation of The Shivastotravali by Utpaladeva (10th century) is by Constantina Rhodes. I haven't read Swami Lakshmanjoo's commentary yet.

Bliss and equipoise

Radha Krishna ~ a divine love

Every moment, I feel my mind, my ego shirk as a little more of me is pulled away. Another tiny rent in my attachment to the play becomes another little in-rush of freedom, spinning stars and stardust on timeless breath. 

Kriyas and spontaneous meditation. Head falling forward.

So often the shakti of "Chidvilasananda" visiting me as the ashram. I hear the silence there, see the golden gleam of low light on the spotless floors, feel the close mantle of love and protection about me. 

I belong "there." "There" belongs to me.

I play the mantra always, very quietly when I'm asleep. I repeat the mantra until I am floating on the bliss.

I am undone from within. I feel limp, very tired. I shuffle backwards when something grabs my attention. I do not surge forward. The anxiety I usually keep under control is flowing around freely. It hurts but I experience it as consciousness being released.

I control nothing. I experience it all as coming to a single-pointedness of bliss and equipoise.

Radha Krishna ~ a spiritual love

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Bridge to the inner country

Me: Why do we chant and meditate?

Guruji: To see the greatness that lies within, a whole new world inside of yourself.

Me: What will happen?

Guruji: The bridge that you are building to the inner country will grow ever stronger.

"As you chant and meditate, you begin to see the greatness that lies within you; you begin to catch glimpses of a whole new world inside yourself.  

As the bridge that you are building to the inner country grows stronger and reaches further, you begin to feel the glory of the Supreme Self; you begin to see the divine light, the radiant Lord. Then you know the true worth of a human being."

~- (my Guru)

How can I get grace to stay?

Me: How can I get grace to stay, and not flow away again?

Guruji: You must put in self-effort.

Monday, September 19, 2016


A lot is going on.... and I don't know what is going on!

I used to be in my guru's orbit. Now I am welcoming her to my heart.

Things are happening.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Only breath

All I want is to be where there is no sound, no sensation, only breath. 

I can't remember ever feeling this way.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

What will happen?

Devotee:  What is the highest purpose of this path?

Guruji: To know your own inner Self, to honor and worship your own divine essence.

Devotee: What will happen?

Guruji: You will know the nature of your divine essence, which is Supreme Joy.

The One's design

Aramaic writing

There are things that are a pleasure for my self as Self. My heart glows, my chakras warm and glow. The memories in my subtle body are awakened.

My sadhana includes moments of recognition of the Self, remembering places and times, all of which I can revisit as I recognize them in art, writings, and places.

This form of pleasure is one part of the One's design.

Basalt funeral stele bearing an Aramaic inscription, c. seventh century BC. Found in Neirab or Tell Afis (in present-day Syria). It is currently located at the Louvre Museum in Paris, France. H. 93 cm (36 ½ in.), W. 34 cm (13 ¼ in.), D. 14 cm (5 ½ in.). (Originally uploaded by Jastrow in 2011. This work has been released into the public domain by its author. This applies worldwide.)

Thursday, September 8, 2016

I was flying high

Radha Krishna
Me: Beloved Guru. I was flying high on your shakti. I was sure that liberation comes in the moment - as I master my state and mind. Now I'm back in the soup. I want to give up.

Shree Guru: Dear one. Your experience of liberation is coming to you in a precious, magnificent manner. Your own concept of liberation is limited. You are still burning those parts of you.

You are still getting out of the way.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Shri Ganesh Gayatri Mantra

Shri Ganesh Gayatri Mantra

ॐ एकदन्ताय विद्महे
वक्रतुण्डाय धीमहि।
तन्नो दन्ति प्रचोदयात्॥

Om ekadantAya vidmahe
vakratUnDAya dhImahi |
tanno danti pracodayAt ||

Om. May we know the one with a single tusk
May we meditate on the one with a curved trunk
May that tusked one illumine our path
and enlighten us

Like all Hindu representations of God, the form and customary worship of Ganesh is based on spiritual symbolism. In this mantra, the following characteristics of Ganesh are highlighted:

  • single tusk ~ Ganesh has broken off one of his tusks, which symbolizes the breaking of duality, and the associated destruction of all obstacles.
  • curved trunk ~ When Ganesh's trunk goes straight down from his forehead and then first turns to his left, this symbolizes his ability to bestow moksha, or liberation, which is often symbolized by a bowl of sweet balls in his left hand.
  • illuminate ~ Powerful Ganesh illuminates the pathway to enlightenment. His vehicle, a mouse, symbolizes that there is no where in our lives or souls that Ganesh cannot go.

Ganesh mantras are powerful, and are chanted by many people every day. It's easy to see why! Ganesh is a very popular, widely loved and worshiped form of God.

Ganesh or Ganesha? Both are correct. In Sanskrit some words that end with a consonant are pronounced with a subtle "shuh" or "hah" (or similar) after the last consonant(s). Writing and pronouncing Ganesha and raga (for example) in English overstate this sound, while Ganesh and rag understate it. It is somewhere in between. If you try, you'll find that tiny breath. Breath sounds are very important in Sanskrit.

VIDEO: I prefer this gentle, traditional chant of this mantra, 
chanted by Brahmin priests
(begins with opening mantras)

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