Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Silent splash

Life cannot touch me. Life cannot do anything to me.

I can let life come by, drop in, parade on past. There is nothing to do or accomplish or avoid or pursue.

To stop... to just stop, is all I can do. Every time I choose to (think I can) pursue or avoid... Stop. Just stop.

There are story lines from taking birth that are winding down now. The longest parts of me (my ego), are slipping away from me, disappearing on the wind before they find the horizon.

Consciousness dissolves into consciousness. Being dissolves into being. You.

I see my ego at last, from outside of it. If it seemed important, my ego dreamed it up. If I made damn sure to remember it, my ego was on the scene when I decided.

I am not that.

I am the sweet scent of my lover's embrace, the flutter in my beloved's hair, His lush lashes dance as He raises His eyes to mine, my true Self forever in the pools of His eyes.

A silent splash.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Walk away

Little visual and sense memories of moments from my life are coming to me throughout my day, day after day. The memories often have the suffocating, concentrated energy feeling that I have come to associate with life before shaktipat when I was fully invested in maya, in illusion.

I am burning little (large?) bits of karma, of memory, of life I "experienced" as happening to me, my story, my investment in it...

Then, after weeks of intense feelings about ______ (Paramashiva as _____), I had a brief moment where I realized I was thinking of him all the time, but he had a full life and most of the time wasn't thinking of me at all.

And I pushed my feelings away...! I pushed life away. I was disgusted, uh uh... not me. (The way I dealt with my father's rejection. Don't let him see the pain.. turn and walk away).

I have burnt away enough of my karmas and the illusions of maya, and of the malas that I can turn inside of a samskara (patterned illusion of thought made with pain), turn right in it and look through and past it, letting it slip from my grip, I breathe on it, breathe free of it, and choose to walk away.

This is freakin' huge. I am at a place where I can challenge the deepest, the worst, the most painful.

As for __________, I still love him. I just don't jump on the emotions, turning them into my favorite: an intense ride.

I love him. If I love him that is enough. There need be no story, no resolution of huge incompatibility. Nope. Not happening. That was an illusion.

I think?

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Karma yoga

Jneshwar sits at his writing desk
Saint Jnaneshwar
After my period of intense concentration and sweet, gentle purity of sattwa, I have looped back around to rajas, the quality of doing. To the extent that I seek and I am attached to the fun and pleasure of doing, (i.e. believe this and these feelings are happening to my "little" self), I will have to pay for as karma which must be burned, usually by the opposite feelings of emptiness and disillusionment with life.

Back and forth.

In the past, when I read Lord Krishna's compassionate teachings on karma yoga, I cringed at the part of not caring one way or another about where life went as it seemed to carry me along.

Now I see the pendulum clearly. I notice where I am and my attachment to this or revulsion of that. It is my nature to get very excited about things, and to love that level of feeling. This intense feeling is the opposite of flat and empty, which I hate.

It is the habit of many lifetimes to try to make permanent the tops of life's highs, and dispel the lows. This just makes my relationship to life all backwards. I am the tail that wags the dog. 

Wag the tail: watch the pendulum without pushing or grabbing.

Since I am not the root of action, I can choose to remain solidly centered inside as the pendulum swings back and forth. Life happens. It can carry me along into ecstatic and dramatic activities (such as my huge crush on _______), then back to the flat emptiness when those activities inevitably dwindle or lose their attraction.

Jnaneshwar sits with a manuscript
Saint Jnaneshwar
If I can remain in equipoise, then any spot on the swing of my life's pendulum will be equal to me, absolutely still and observing of all of this around me.

Of course... my ego rebels! I sometimes decide that not chasing after feeling and intensity is unreasonable and severe. Why give up pursuing the joys of life? It seems, well, anti-life. It certainly isn't required. So, why?

Why would I? First I observe that my duty to myself is to enjoy what is pleasurable to me, within the ethics of that duty. So I'm not talking about rejecting pleasure, just not being attached to it, not believing I can control life to achieve pleasure.

THE TRUE GOAL: Compassionate Lord Krishna offers the highest goal, which is freedom and divine bliss. Freedom which leads to union with Him, with God.

It is fine to jump on the roller coaster of life. Almost everyone chooses this every day. But those of us who are coming back around in our long arc of incarnations and desire to return to God have a different perspective.

I want this freedom. I don't want to experience the suffering of paying my debts of karma any more.

Saint Jnaneshwar
There is the delicious, sensual delight of my beloved experience of life's intensity in remembering that I am not the doer, that life only seems to happen to me (when I believe it is so). The bliss of union with my true Self is the real pleasure and a past-time that incurs no debt of karma, no inevitable suffering as the pendulum swings back and forth.

How? I have cultivated an awareness and experience of the still center place inside, mostly through meditation (both sitting and during "activity" meditation), and with the essential divine grace of the guru. Through practice and grace, I can now by my will take one half of a step back into this very still place, where I am impassive about what happens around me, and delight in every moment as the highly creative and intelligent play of Paramashiva, my true Self.

As Lord Krishna has pointed the way, choosing to "do" will not incur karma if I choose to do my duty, to myself and others, and offer the fruits of my action to Him. This is called karma yoga and it is a mahayoga indeed, a great yoga. This yoga can by itself lead to realization.
Jnaneshwar's Gita

In my experience, the Siddha Yoga path teaches karma, jnana, bhakti and raja yoga, and I am naturally inclined to follow parts of all four. These are riches beyond compare. The first three margas are taught by Lord Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita, (and raja yoga is taught by Patanjali). If you have not read the Gita, dear reader, and feel a draw in your heart to do so, I encourage you to at least read some of it.

Read the version with an English translation of the exquisite commentary written by the beloved saint Jnaneshwar, by Swami Kripananda.

Jnanadev will steal your heart. You will love him for it.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Be what you are

Be what you are... Go with what is.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Great intelligence

I am not in charge here. Everywhere I turn, the illusion that I am making things happen is dissolving away.

I think my hands are on the steering wheel (of life), even though my life never adjusts in the direction I intend.

I now see a great intelligence in everything I view and experience. This intelligence unfolds everywhere, inside of me and out.

This intelligence is God, my beloved Paramashiva. He doesn't just experience this vast play of His consciousness, he inhabits it as the intelligence that creates it, moves through it, arises and dissolves as everything in every moment.

Situations simply unfold. It is the great dance and bliss of my Lord's intelligence as Devi Shakti.

And I am not in charge.

PS My cat sleeps two-thirds or more of each day. He does this because of "instinct." I see intelligence. How do successive generations of monarchs know how to migrate? This is intelligence, (Your intelligence, Maheshwar...)

Friday, July 19, 2013


When the whip, the goad arises in me, when fear and anxiety prick at the soft places, every hour, every day.

When this is not enough, when now is only this or that, when a quality is missing or gone astray. (Compulsion...)

I am not moved. My heart is mine.

No, you cannot have me. But I don't say it... I alter my response without moving at all.

I am so relaxed inside. The contortions of my ego, perfect, touch me as God. I am surrounded by God. 

There is nothing else here. I need nothing, desire nothing. I am kissed with bliss, the inner touches and telling caresses of what and whom I am made.
I need not stretch or pry or dig. For weeks now I have been shedding this riot of will.


This barely lit room, this feeling of night and a soft bed waiting... this intimate world of light is You, Your consciousness.

What if I saw You everywhere I looked?


I feel whole again, just this, perfection and wholeness. I begin to cry. I have found You in what I knew but could not yet become.

This is all You.

Center’, digital art, (C)2012 H Kopp-Delaney
I know You as light, as this inseparable world of light and sound. The silent divine rises upward through my spine to divine union... and I am subtle, my state is subtle soft and tastes of salt and blood, the fragrance of your breath, the warmth of your whispered kisses, framing my body as a living portrait of love.

Visit my poetry blog here

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

Brother Utpaladeva, (I touch your feet...), my prayers echo yours in this one mighty phrase: "You hide in plain sight as everything." (Utpaladeva: Shivastotravali)

Thursday, July 18, 2013

The stillness inside

The stillness inside.


I am the flames... You are the fire.

Remembering you

What if I could somehow put into words...?

How it feels to find You as this private, seeping nectar of sound, playing to me always, as I have answered always... I am this liquid chorus of blood, of veins, of love forever sounding my depths with the oldest of songs, played by this never silent quartet, the chamber music of my heart.

How it feels to sink into this place of complete stillness, of familiar, exquisite intelligence, always here, never distracted, never asleep.

I look around. This is all intelligence.

How it feels to see light as your consciousness, darkness as the silent space where there is no time, no differentiation, only You, only ONE.

To hear the divine tinkling nada in my ear when I love You, look, and see, return your gaze again and again.

And so, I look with love, for there is only You, and your experience... which I think of as me.

And so, I look around with my senses made of worship, touching your consciousness with my own, finding only You everywhere I touch, seek, enter and embrace.

My doubt is You. My choices good and bad, they are all You. This is You, all set in motion, all the Word moving on the dark waters. I cannot fail. I need not struggle, as though there could be anything wrong.

You, You. Only You. My thoughts are You, my breath is You.

I love You so... So deep I embrace You, cast upon Your love with my entire being, my awareness gels and then becomes an ever melting blanket of love soaked warmth and bliss, sinking into everything I know, changing everything behind and beyond what I knew and once thought that I am.

Changed, I can never go back.

Everything, this everything, I know it, I have always known it... I know You.

Becoming You, remembering You, they are the same.

Monday, July 15, 2013

The root of action

The Devi is the water,
the water is the Devi,
Ganga Maa I worship You
I have blogged before about my realization that the wisdom expressed as "The guru is the root of all action" is about God, not the physical guru.

I have been contemplating Karma Yoga (one of the yogas described by Lord Krsna in the Bhagavad Gita), and the malas (impurities in understanding that cause maya, the enchanted belief that I am this, and all of this is happening to and because of me).

I burned up a tremendous amount of karma (a spiritual debt resulting from the ignorance caused by maya) recently in a HUGE physical karma regarding my teeth.

How do I know I was burning karma? The way I always know. Afterwards my perspective has been permanently shifted. It is higher, simpler, and evokes a new level of equipoise in my life and sadhana (spiritual work).

I was torn apart emotionally by what happened with my teeth. (As Loise L. Hay will tell you, teeth represent the ability to analyze and assimilate ideas and spiritual understanding). Until I accepted what had happened and my role in it, I was in extreme hell. I went to an emotional place I haven't experienced in many years.

After a couple of days of hell, I clawed my way out of this hell by ceasing to claw. By accepting, and asking what was (is) next. I grasped that acceptance with all I had, and immediately my situation changed.

Fully offering something that encircled my deepest entrails with the surest and oldest of knots has melted away lifetimes of suffering. I can do this at last because of the grace of my guru, and my commitment to my life as a devotee of God.

Guru's grace. 

It is impossible to be released from the enchantment of maya without the grace bestowing aspect of God.

What I stopped by my blog to express is the new found understanding I have after these events. First off, I had to accept that something really "wrong" or "bad" can still happen to me.

My way out of that was to also realize that whatever it takes to move on, if it takes twice as much money, whatever, I'll choose that, and God will determine what happens from there.

I spent some time contemplating the malas. None of this is happening to me I kept in my thoughts as I viewed the world around me as swirling consciousness, and held to the certainty that the root of all action in that consciousness IS NOT (LITTLE) ME. It is God.

God is the root of all action. The results of all action belong to God.

Aarti at the holy city of Haridwar

All of this karmic gymnastics has given me a tremendous amount of freedom.

Now when something happens, I offer it to God. "God wants to do this," I think. Wow, that is totally a new thought!

God wants to do this. God wants to experience this. It is the play. I experience the play. But I don't have to identify with it.

This sounds like a forced intellectualism. But it isn't.

When I sink back inside, I become still, silent, full of bliss. I look around as the eyes of Shiva. I have created this universe for my delight, and I love and cherish everything in it.

I am the knower, not the known. I am the watcher, not the watched.

I offer the fruits of action. "God wants to do this."

I love my highest Lord Paramashiva so very much, of course I want to offer everything to Him. My life of "doing," I offer to You, my Beloved. This is all yours, as I am yours.

All of this is You (me as You).

Whatever happens, I know that You want to do this... as me.

I love you Sri Krisna, and I humbly thank you for your
compassionate teachings about Sri Karma Yoga

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Already here

I feel God. I experience God inside, God's presence and God's love for me, a love just for me. There is a communication there, without words. A gentle surge of feeling and a tender caress of bliss at the secret door of my heart.

God is matching my quiet, my stillness.

Please come in... Beloved.

I am already here, beloved... as you.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


Peaceful quiet inside. My favorite non-activity? Just to sit.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Ego and rajas

Purple and white flower
Through guru's grace, through all that has been burned up...

I now notice when my ego tries to hijack my inner reality. "Me," it says. "This is great because of me." "This attainment is because I am special and unique and cool and..."

I notice it right away, and most of the time I don't move at all, let alone jump on the ego ride.

DOING (rajas)
Through guru's grace, through all that has been burned up...

I now notice when I try to control my emotions and my inner state. I notice when I like a spiritual feeling and the impulse to try to ride it, increase it, use it to be "as spiritual as possible."

I notice it right away, and most of the time I don't move at all, let alone push and pull and throw my experience as though just being is not enough, never enough.

Through guru's grace, through all that has been burned up...

I am happy, I am content. All of this is God, my beloved. God seeks me, my beloved comes to me in the most perfect and exquisite way.


Pink flower

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Enfold the divine

I dreamed of my guru. She was walking past me, and hesitated for just a moment, as though to stop and speak with me, but she wasn't really stopping. She was continuing by.

I said her name. She stopped and turned to me. Standing very close, her huge eyes were like dark, liquid pools, drawing me in.

"Talk to me," I said, yearning for her to stay close, to hear her voice. "Please talk to me."

Still she stood silent, answering with her eyes, her dark, liquid eyes.

She is teaching, always teaching,
here by her state, living inside
Roses and hydrangea
Garlands of blossoms for my beloved guru

All of the times when I was in her physical presence and she walked by without looking at me, when inside my ego was terrified and saying "don't look, don't look," when I thought I would die if she looked at me...

I had never seen someone call to her when she was walking by. It was a matter of being respectful, of cherishing and protecting the guru, priceless beyond measure.

But these years later I wish I would have spoken, even if only in a whisper her name... I wish she would have heard me, and turned to look at me. It would have been enough for her to just look into my eyes.

(Perhaps her gaze would have broken the egg called ego, an act of pure love...).

And so... in my dream, instead of letting her slip by, of feeling she was only just appearing to my ego as though she might turn towards me, burning that fear in me... I say her name. I say her name and she turns to me. But she doesn't talk to me, she doesn't answer that yearning. Instead she shows me the depth, the mystery, the everything there in her eyes, pulling me in.

Pink and white rununculus in the garden
I am bursting forth into fullness... as in, I rock

I am being taught by life, by grace, to accept without meaning, to not sew it all together, to choose another way than living in my head with these concepts of meaning, bargaining with life as though I am God, the root of all action. To choose instead to live in my heart with the mystical delight of pure discovery and adventure, as this happens all around me, for these many things are the affairs of the heart. They are the One at play.

To simply notice the divine moving within me, accepting it without rajas, without doing.

It is a delicate flowering of recognition of the divine, of accepting it already full and pure in my self. It is the answer to a lifetime of the delusion of grasping, pushing, pulling inside, pushing myself about as my own bully, hurling myself about like a carnival ride, betraying parts of myself, bargaining them away for tiny drops of illusion and the worthless rustling of moments.

No more. My guru, my guru... how I love you.

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