Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Nothing but God

Yearning, yearning, yearning... God, God, oh God.......

The yearning fills my whole body, a warmth and an ache. (I grasp and sigh...)

I keep praying: You God... You are all that I want, oh God...

When I walk through the room and hear the mantra playing (over and over), it sounds so sweet, like a brook tumbling over mossy stones, sweet with their mossy smell, I taste the sweetness, the nectar in the mantras, the sacred form of your sacred name.

I am praying, God. I am wandering, drunk with this passion, no place to seek, no person to seek, nothing to seek but Shiva, Shiva, Shiva....

Burn me, God. Burn everything that I have mistaken for anything but You.

I am driven to tears.

Monday, May 27, 2013

The yearning

This yearning and yearning for the Beloved is softening me, I feel it opening my heart, bringing me over and over to God in my constant need of His promise, the answer to this need.

Ever tender is His love, for my offering of it all... of my chance and fate, my blood and bone, the augured walls of my willing surrender.

Edward Lear ~ Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives, Sunrise

I will leave this holy city. I can just slip away from this last chance at worldliness, slipping through the eye of the needle into the darkness outside these ancient walls, slipping through the cool stillness before sunrise to live and pray in the solitary places. I turn away from the dream of this world, and carry nothing but my aching need for You, my God. 

I will worship You wherever I am. I will make of the sands my prayer mat, the winds my Azan. God is great. The only true success. There is no other. There is only God, only Allah.

I love You, God. I love You so... I love You... You are my Beloved and my Supreme Lord. My source and my destination, the fragrance of love, the only fount of all I desire... You as You tenderly enfold me. You as You take me back into Yourself forever. You as my own true Self, my own true Love.

Fairman, James - View of Jerusalem
James Fairman ~ View of Jerusalem 
(Public domain via Wikimedia Commons)

I am far away now. The wind pulls at my clothes, softening them as You are softening me, Lord. And I have stopped to remember, how at the Mount of Olives I turned to view the City on a Hill, the city of walls and of the many, of many prayers. 

And I wondered: will my eternal God ever take form as me again?

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

"You cause the night to enter the
day, and You cause the day to enter the night; and You bring the living out of the dead, and You bring the dead out of the living. And You give provision to whom You will without account.” 
(The Noble Quran, Ali Imran:27)

Sunday, May 26, 2013


Parvati performing
tapas to achieve
"reunion" with
Lord Shiva
I am aware that my blog has taken a new turn. To me, it is still a blog about myself as a Hindu (it is not about Hinduism per se). Now my sadhana (spiritual practice) has entered a different, deeply personal phase of tapas (purifying fire).

Anyone who knows about the tapas of sadhana knows that everything is burned, and some of the deepest, rawest emotions and karmas go right on the fire too, and provide a great deal of heat for the purification.

Even people who don't spend their life in spiritual practice experience going through a time in their life that is so intense, so complex, perhaps so painful that they emerge changed, the unessential slicked off. Sadhana is like that; to emerge from the intensity lighter and closer to truth is the sustenance that gets one through the next round of burning.

Realization is nothing more than living in the truth. The Self is already attained, here now. It is coming to know this in every moment that is freedom from delusion, delusion that has become habitual, automatic. Looking around and seeing "others" changes to looking around and seeing only God at play (I can do this, but not sustain it all the time).

To burn off delusion is necessary for most people to attain this state of being which is steady in their identification with the Supreme. The dualistic delusions of separateness from God take many forms. To burn it all in a lifetime and attain God requires the grace bestowing aspect of God, which is called the "guru."

The guru is mystical. My guru and I are closer than close, and yet, we are "thousands of miles apart." Her grace is my salvation. She gave me the supreme gift of shaktipat, and now she is burning all that is delusion in my life (because I want her to). Her grace lifts me up, up above Shree Maya and the delusion of multiplicity. Thank you...

So many parts of my life I see so much more clearly after all these years of sadhana. Trying to fit in. Fear of being alone. Pushing to attain, then pushing to reject as life strategies. These destructive patterns have ruled my life. No more.

Naveen Andrews
When I was an adolescent, like most girls I obsessed on my prince, my cowboy, my teen idols. I imagined myself with my beloved, riding the range on our horses, sleeping by the campfire. I spent hours listening to music and dreaming of him. Eventually I composed wistful and beautiful songs on the piano.

I waited with wonder for when we would finally meet. I just knew that life was all about the all-consuming relationship with him. My prince would fill me with love, and the aliveness that seemed missing in my dull life.

This "story of the Beloved" has always been there, throughout my life, all of my adulthood. This is part of my story as a "seeker".

And yet, after facing the fear of being alone, and the pattern of pushing and trading myself away all the time trying to bargain for a "real life," (which I was not meant to have, since I am dedicated to sadhana in this life), I was caught off guard by this onset of burning my need for an "other."

But should I write about it?
Naveen Andrews

My blog is about my sadhana, my love of God and my sacrifices and austerities by which I attain oneness with my Beloved.

Over the years, there were times when I YEARNED so much for God, so much for oneness with the guru, that I was drenched in the soul and fire of nothing but yearning, yearning...

So much so that sometimes my guru would come to me, once in meditation, unseen I felt her fingers giving me "the touch," firmly, between my eyes on my forhead. Once I was so full of yearning while doing computer work in the ashram bookstore at Anugraha, and yearned for her, wished so much that she would come be with me that she sent her faithful dog to me, and he came straight to me, which moved me greatly (she was doing seva no doubt, her life is one of service).

Yearning is divine. It is about union with God. It is essential to the life of a sadhini and devotee.

But... I had to consider. Would I write about burning and purifying the feelings and karmas of romantic desire on my Hindu blog? Basically, this is Shree Kundalini purifying my second chakra, which includes sexuality. I have been almost entirely celibate for over ten years, mostly because of a "failed" marriage. I am a Western Hindu, with many of the values of a college-educated secularism. As a writer and a blogger, I am feeling my way through how open I wish to be about myself and my emotions. I have chosen to be very open.

I believe that I have a unique talent for writing about things that are often left unsaid or misunderstood. I am a generalist, a person who is just good enough at a great many things, an armchair ________ [everything]. Having a talent that is deep enough to carry me forward as far as I wish to develop and express it is a precious thing to me. The fact I only have certain talents (computers, design, writing, music) tells me that these are what I am meant to develop and use in this lifetime.

Naveen Andrews
I dreamed of beautiful Naveen last night. I burn for him now, but I know that it is Paramashiva as Naveen that I long for so deeply, so deeply... And though I know intellectually that this "apartness" is an illusion... I still carry the YEARNING in my eyes, in my breath, in the tilt of my head, in the very feeling of being alive... and cannot help but crave over and over the feeling of touching his hair, his hands... even though to experience this would be so poignant as to be almost too much to bear.

Oh oh oh... this is so hard to burn... I have burned so many different things all these years. This is turning me inside out. The very air seems too heavy to breathe, it is as though I must bear it about, pushing on my chest, a "whu..." sound in my ears, making my body feel heavy and indescribably painful in a concentrated, gasping sort of way.

I believe the guru is burning this very very close to "unbearable" so I can get it burned and become free. The more of it I can bear to burn in each moment, the higher the flames for all my other karmas to be purified at the same time. This is what I mean when I say a karma or samskara becomes fuel for the fire.

I try to remember the mantra. Om namah shivaya.... Om namah shivaya... Om namah shivaya..... Why is it so hard to reach for the mantra when I need it most?

Naveen Andrews
Finally... Such delight. I want to return to it... I'd have to think twice before saying 'no' to trading in my life as a sadhini for the "life" of my wonderful dream.

That would, of course, be silly. This time I'm looking for My Beloved as everyone and everything. No separation or lack (anava mala). No other. No thinking anything I want or love is not already inside of me as He. I love God, who has made me from Himself.

I've put in for the real deal. "It's the only way to be sure" (Ripley, Hicks ~ Aliens).

Finally... This is the burning, the fire...

In the dream, we had just met, we were immediately attracted and open about it, sharing a day together of spontaneous fun. We were so happy, that feeling of beginning and knowing it is going to be good. The feeling of meeting someone who makes you tingle, and it's that way for them too, and of being open about that.

That's it. That's enough to make me swoon all day and all night.

It was always like that. All I wanted was a touch. Kindness. Protection. To be cherished and loved.

Perhaps I am still meant to experience these things with "another" in this lifetime. If I am meant to love then it would be cruel and lonely for me to avoid it. Either way, my True Love lives in my heart, and sees through my eyes, feels through my touch. We are ONE in every moment.

There is only ONE.

In freezing mists of foreign lands 
I lost sight of my true love's hand
Into the arms of warmth I ran 
I knew my love would understand

She kept me warm my soul was fed 
I had a muse a fire a bed
I soon forgot the life I'd known 
This foreign land became my home

The waves rolled in across the sea 
They brought my true love's voice to me
I knew this girl would understand 
I had to find my true love's hand.

~ "The Minstrel's Tale" Carl Barat, Karsh Kale, Papon (The Dewarists)  

Now read this beautiful song with the understanding that your love, your true love is God....

This song rocks and is very beautiful at the same time


Movie Poster (British Quad) ~ Beat the Devil (1953)

Peter Lorre
“Time. Time. What is time? Swiss manufacture it. French hoard it. Italians squander it. Americans say it is money. Hindus say it does not exist. Do you know what I say? I say time is a crook.” ~O’Hara (Peter Lorre)
Beat the Devil - 1953
Script: Truman Capote & John Huston
Director: John Huston

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Shiva the compassionate

Hari Hara (Vishnu-Shiva)

My recent post on Hindu Dharma Forums:

Hari Hara (Vishnu-Shiva)

Namaste ___________:

I too had some difficulties sorting out my devotion to Lord Shiva and Lord Krishna when I was newly converted.

I love both, truly, and of course, for they are different aspects of the Supreme Lord, who I know as Paramashiva (Kashmir Shaivism), and is known to many as Vishnu.

I think it is helpful to recognize that there are times when our hearts become more tender in our love for God. When you have just converted is of course one of those times.

Shiva the compassionate knows this. He offers you only love as you find what is "right" in your heart to worship Him best. He will take great pleasure in your mutual feelings of worship for Lord Krishna, who as the avatar of Lord Vishnu is made from the same great and transcendent Lord of all.

jnana shiva
ज्ञान शिव

Hari Hara (Vishnu-Shiva)

He who is one,
He who dispenses
The inherent needs
Of all people and all times,
He who is the beginning
Of all things, may He unite
Us in the bond
Of goodwill


Never forsaken

Shivalinga (Jyotrlinga), Vishveshwara Mandir
Kashi, India (Varanasi)

Vishveshwara Mandir

Oh how I wish... 

I have never bathed in the Ganges, nor seen Varanasi in this body, but this heart longs for the sacred city, never forsaken by the divine as Lord Shiva, His abode forever, a living place for worship of the living divine. ~jnana shiva

Evening aarti ~ Ganges River in Varanasi (Kashi), India
"To Hindus, the land of India is the body of the mother earth (Devi). She is worshiped at sacred places, particularly where rivers join and land meets water. 
Varanasi is the holiest city in India - the land between the River Varuna, the River Assi and the River Ganges. The city faces east, so that dawn rises over the water, symbolising endless re-birth. Wonderfully sophisticated flights of steps, the bathing ghats, descend into the water from the palace facades of the old city. The river edge, rising during the monsoon and falling thereafter, symbolises the border between life and death, organic and inorganic, human and the divine. 
The deepest realities are given symbolic form by a designed landscape with an obvious relationship to the stepwells (baolis) which made life possible in pre-modern India." ~ 
~ From "Garden Visit," Varanasi Waterside.

Morning bath and worship, sacred Ganges River, Varanasi
Image courtesy of Paramount Yoga

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Old again

Full moon and clouds

I remember parts of the dream, "post-apocalyptic," all the rules of life had changed. But it was the peculiar feeling tone of the dream, very strong, that hasn't left for days...

Actor James Cromwell
Actor James Cromwell

Then last night, a dream of the older friend, ("played by" actor James Cromwell), married, my storied affection for him confessed, he went somewhere I could not follow, from which he might not survive (right in his home, up through the water to the source, a lifelong metaphor in many of dreams).

I knew not to wait. My advice to those who still waited: "Ask next time he goes... how do I come for you if you don't return?"

Grace teaches me, taught me when I was holding onto the huge surge of ecstasy, trying to keep it going (control it), I started living in the past. As soon as I let go, and chose to follow grace.... right now...

I am burning, the shakti is purifying me, the highest flames make me shake inside, but I close my eyes, and breathe God's name. I offer myself to the fire... "take my karmas, take my belief in suffering."

I learn this again every day. Because of shaktipat, I stand in the fire, my karmas are being burned up. When I believe in suffering, that suffering and the resulting karma becomes fuel for the purifying fire. When I lift my head, and say "no, none of this happened to me... 'I' am only God, and decided to forget," I am no longer suffering. I am purifying, paying my spiritual debts. I stop making new karma. I begin to live in the truth, that all of this is God.

I have chosen God instead of my belief in suffering.

I am on fire. (What a lifestyle).

The swadhya (prolonged spiritual effort) of performing these two practices, of not believing in suffering, of surrendering to grace as it is right now, has brought me closer to guru and God. 
Another surge of shakti has followed, and I learn from this. Choose now, whatever is now. 

This is sacred. Please tread here with reverence.

Late at night, knocked about by these tumbling feelings, I tumble into that dark space (I have been here before, the cave of the heart) where there is no light, no sound, no movement at all. Only an emanating presence...

A being so holy, so sacred, that just to be near is to be washed clean and old again, breathing out the eternal ohhh of recognition... I am kneeling in boundless reverence in the presence of my Creator, who has made me from Himself.

Shiva. My Lord's name... Shiva. So beautiful. Shiva. My Beloved.

Om namah shivaya.


Cave of the heart

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Divine desire

What horrible, despicable contraction.

I am still bipolar it seems. Every other time I reached this point, I gave up and went back into hiding, waiting again for the long wheel to circle around and bring me back to this place... one more time... where I can try again, if I remember.

I will not give up, I decide.

It's a small decision. Just to hang on. To not believe all is lost. To still love God and repeat His name, as much as I can, even a little. "The mantra is protection against the pain of the world," said my guru.

I think that I must burn this place just like any other. It is fuel for the purifying fire of my guru. (The mantra, the mantra...)

I pray to guru, to God, please help!

Why? Songs from my teen years come to mind. They play in my mind, and it is soothing somehow to remember that time. Even when I had no way of knowing yet that I was already free, already with my Beloved, inside...

Gordon Lightfoot playing from the heart on stage. I close my eyes and that old, painful, extremely wistful longing arises again. Only this time, after all those times....

This time I close my eyes and know that this is all only NOW, there is only ONE. I am God experiencing the beautiful art of singing from the heart, songs about myself apart, and alone.... yet almost remembering my divine desire...

To return to myself.

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Top 40 Best Hindu Blogs

Named to the Top 40 Best Hindu Blogs

Thanks to Kyle at Lotus Sculpture for adding me to his list of "The Top 40 Best Hindu Blogs." I am so happy to find myself in such excellent company, that of people who have found a unique way to express their heart-felt love of the ancient and beloved path of Sanatana Dharma.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I chose grace

Shree Lalitha
"Salutations to the Divine Mother, 
who is the Mother of all"
~Shree Lalitha Sahasranamam~
I had an amazing spiritual experience.

I was listening to different chants online, searching for a favorite Lalitha Sahasranamam to play at the start of the day.

And as I was listening to the beautiful mantras for Devi Lalitha, I fell into a very sweet, very deep meditation. I was carried inward and felt so much ecstasy that I found myself freed from care about anything around me, all the little things that "hold" my attention outward through the day.

Immediately I surged forward, as I always do, using my will to try to increase moments of ecstasy and focus, trying to gain control and direct the experience, turning it into something I can maintain and strengthen at will.

And just as immediately I remembered my recent powerful change in my understanding of pushing versus grace: that "pushing" is not the freedom and truth of non-dualism (i.e. instead it is the dualism of "me versus not me"), that "reaching" and trying to control is choosing to believe attainment is not already present (i.e. believing there is "God versus not God").

I looked instead to find grace in this beautiful moment. All progress is grace, and grace has been given to me, by grace. Most precious above all that is precious...

I chose grace. I relaxed into the deep inner place of grace from which this experience was flowing, and was taken deeper into the steady state of focus there, into the inner bliss.

Shree Parvati
"Who is as radiant as a thousand 
suns rising together"
(the sahasrara, or crown chakra)
Grace is... or I am doing something. Grace is allowed... or I am pushing it aside in my busy searching.

Grace remained. Grace was there every time I re-focused inward.

I found that I had been given the choice of following my usual tug of outward consciousness, flying upward and outward with the tug of maya, back into dualism... or to choose to stay with this inner place of grace as steady consciousness.

Again and again, as occasionally my mind wavered a little, fidgeted, I chose to quiet back into the bliss, the inner place that tugged downward (into God). For the first time (that I remember), I was able to keep my consciousness steady in this deep, inner place.

Even when I got up to go in the other room, I had the grace to keep choosing this completely steady inner focus.

The most amazing thing was that I was CRYSTAL CLEAR that there was nothing outside of this center place that held any interest for me whatsoever. That visiting the world of dual consciousness (flowing outward as my senses, fixating of my senses) is merely HABIT, and nothing more.

The amazing bliss was that of a very deep meditation, of dipping down into the very refreshing nectar of the inner consciousness, and the blessing of a continuous darshan (experience) of the inner Self, who is Paramashiva.

I thought, as I always think at this point, (during a spiritual experience, when I am most free), that I am very near realization, or at least feel it is a sure result of whatever is happening right now. I immediately recognized this thinking and reception of the experience as a form of pushing, as I try to shape the divinely shaped experience into one where I attain my desire for the ultimate goal.

For the first time, I stepped back, making room for the divinely shaped experience to unfold without reflexively trying to control or direct.

Today I could see the beginning of a NEW HABIT which I might be so blessed by grace to attain, to remain focused inward in this steady blissful way, a new way of being which I can learn on the my guru's path to "my" REALIZATION. I was grateful for it, and overjoyed, for I experienced it as being sustained in an amazing experience of attainment by grace.

Jai Durga Maa
"Who dwells in a lotus forest, 
the thousand-petaled lotus 
of the Sahasrara"
(crown chakra)

I immediately prayed for this boon: Guruji, I pray that I will have the grace and ability to choose and remain in this new place of focus on God.

Thank you thank you thank you for the realization that struggling to attain is not attainment, that attainment is always the gift of grace first, and then my part as the one who acknowledges and opens to grace.

Thank you thank you thank you...

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Kashmir Shaivism: The presence of God everywhere

“Freedom from all our miseries, as Abhinavagupta boldly declares, can neither be obtained through the renunciation of the world, nor by hatred of this world, but by experiencing the presence of God everywhere.”

~ Swami Lakshmanjoo, Kashmir Shaivism

Inner Explosion (update)


I just woke up from a nap. While I was asleep, the most amazing thing happened. I was fast asleep when something exploded in me, in my being and consciousness. It was like a depth charge going off, exploding through all of me, pushing outward through me as consciousness.
It barely woke me up for a second, just long enough to remember it later.
When I woke up, everything seemed the same, I haven't noticed anything different(?) 
~ originally posted 5/12/13

~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~

~ updated on 5/16/13
I never expected to have an inner "explosion," even when "dreaming." 

Today I was reminded that I had an explosion of sorts during shaktipat, though I had never described it that way to myself...

NOTE: It is really really strange to type the words "inner" and "explosion" together

 ~ Update 5/16/13

I opened the SYP website today and there was a description of the 2013 message artwork.

And in the explanation of the sahasrara mandala, there was the word "explosion." Ah-ha!!

"In the Sanskrit language, sahasrara literally means 'Thousand Rays of Light.' The sages experienced the Supreme Self as an explosion of divine effulgence, and described it using metaphors such as 'thousand-petaled lotus,' or 'the light of a thousand suns.' They named the crown chakra sahasrara to reflect this experience."
And, "The thousand petals of the sahasrara are a metaphor for the infinite rays of pulsating Consciousness."

The divine effulgence of the sahasrara chakra
here reminds me of my "sparks," though the lights
were low, so it was mostly dark in the room

This immediately evokes my shaktipat experience.

I received shaktipat from my Guru at the beginning of 1999 in Santa Clara, California. I lived in Mountain View, just down the road.

I was very new to Siddha Yoga. I originally decided not to go. I didn't understand yet how my relationship with her was going to be essential (as guru's grace) to my spiritual path and returning to God.

I was at work, where I had a small picture of my Guru at my desk. I looked at her picture, and felt her presence in my mind. And I could hear her in my mind as she asked: "Won't you come be with me?"

Well. I asked Bill if he would pay for my registration, and he said yes!

 The original explosion?

Shiva Nataraj in the dance of creation
with his consciousness swirling and taking form
through the fire of Shiva's active form, Kundalini Shakti

My shaktipat experience was very dramatic, and is very special to me.

Our chanting reached an ecstatic crescendo, when my head tilted back and my mouth fell open with ecstasy, energy flowing upwards. So much ecstasy! I felt a distinct little tingly movement at the base of my spine.

Then the energy flowing upward EXPLODED into a huge spray of sparks, the divine effulgence upward in every direction, and I could see the Nataraja form of Shiva dancing in the center. This is the ecstasy of Kundalini Shakti merging with Shiva.

The spray of ecstatic sparks/divine effulgence continued upwards from me, up and up and up and clear out into the universe past galaxies and nebulae out into deep space, then tipping... tipping... came around and flowed all the way back to me and rejoined me at the base of my spine.

The divine effulgence had become circular, moving up through me and out through all and back in a continuous circle.

Throughout I was in a state of tremendous ecstasy.

I realize that it is possible to receive shaktipat with hardly any signs at all. Guru's grace knows best. For me, I am grateful for this compassionate and beautiful experience. I have never had to ask if shaktipat was real(!).

Thank you my Guru, your compassion and love is so sweet and real to me.

Sweet guru's grace.

The many petalled sahasrara chakra
at the crown of the head

 Another "explosion:"

I recently remembered an experience I had when I lived at the ashram, which happened right before I woke up. For a short second I experienced a beautiful golden dawn with sweet baby blue skies, all behind an immense egg which almost filled my field of vision.

Suddenly the egg broke open and I woke up (in the same instant).

NOTE: The breaking open of an egg is a Hindu symbol for the breaking open of the ego. I didn't feel any different, so I assumed it was a communication about that, or the future, or ??

  Praying for an "explosion?"

Also when I lived at the ashram, as I once wrote here, I had an ongoing fear of having the guru look at me. On several occasions she turned towards me as though to look, just staying there for a second, then she turned away and kept going past.

It seemed that my ego was terrified, and I assume it's because my ego might have been broken open (or etc.) if she looked right at me. My ego was very relieved when she didn't look, but it left me with a feeling of swelling up and ALMOST exploding, but not quite. There's a definite unfinished feeling of gathered up energy, with no where to go, even now.

Lately I have remembered this several times, and wished that I would have "yogi-ed up" and reached out to her in my heart, even aloud, and asked her to look at me.

Now I never see her. But as she has said, to her devotees she is "...closer than you can even imagine."

Remembering this, I have prayed over and over, please break my ego open, or...?? Please, finish this...

And so... I think... the INNER EXPLOSION was the answer to this prayer!

PS Did I mention it is really really strange to type the words "inner" and "explosion" together...?

"Lemme outta here..."


Lately I have been feeling so contracted. I was "in the soup." I would think about it in the usual way, with a lot of fear: I messed it all up. My constant spiritual ecstasy and attainment is over.

To go with this thinking is to believe in suffering (my personal "saying" about thinking life is happening to me... along with my other fav: "Gettin' mauled by the malas..." lol).

Then... I wasn't (getting mauled ~ hey I see a pattern here). I was back at being uplifted by my love for God, of wanting to do whatever I can to experience and to grow my love and worship of and belonging to God in this moment. O delight!

Letting go means not identifying with a turn in "the story," not trying to control... and sliding back and forth and around more fluidly. Less stuck in the groove of samskara, sooner back in the feeling of grace, nothing lost.

"You get there by realizing you have been there all along."  ~Eckhart Tolle

The happy ending hasn't left. It has been here all along.

Waikiki Hawaii

The Self watches, but is perfectly still. When I identify as the seer, rather than the seen, I partake of this perfect stillness. It is the place of being, of pure grace.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Only grace

Grace like a wave scoops me up
(I need only move towards
my destiny)
Wow. I can see more clearly the opportunity here: To stop pushing!

(Not just, well this is cool I'm learning about this...)

The wages of pushing (extreme rajas) are immobility (tamas, which is the other extreme). The wages of one extreme are the other extreme; an all or nothing life of extremes.

Not only that, but pushing, trying, going for it, doing my best for my own actions to create what I want... is based on thinking "what is" is wrong or not enough, and even worse, thinking that I can mess it all up by not doing "it" right.

("It" is realization, enlightenment, established in the Self).

This is one of the most amazing lessons I am learning in my whole life. Stop. Stop trying so hard. Just stop.

RIGHT NOW: I am teasing my INTENTION and determination apart from the rajasic pushing and pulling and reaching for the goal all the time. Sadhana (spiritual discipline) is offered, not actions driven or calculating. Certainly the guru knows what should happen in what order, for how long, etc. If I stop pushing, I can follow her lead in this way, and learn from it.

How? How to be dedicated without believing in the duality of rajas?

RIGHT NOW: I am learning that any and all progress is GRACE. It is always grace.

The world of God is beauty
The world of grace is
When I used to wonder why "advanced" forms of attainment, (like recognizing the consciousness of the Self in the form of prakasha, or all this light around me, etc.), seemed to come immediately and so easily to me. My ego would grasp at this "attainment" every time and try to figure out what it meant about me (I'm gifted, I'm extra smart, etc. ..... ?

I often thought that perhaps I must be picking up from a level of attainment in a previous life.

Perhaps this is also true. But just in the last few days, I have become very clear... THE EXPLANATION IS THIS:


When I can, it's grace. When I see, it's grace. Understand? Kriyas and nadas and the blue pearl?? GRACE.

Attainment? GRACE. Always.

I cannot move up through Shree Maya's contraction, the concealing aspect of divine action, holding the world here at the culmination of the 32 tattvas (stages of contraction of God's consciousness into the manifest world). I must have grace, the revealing aspect of God, to expand even the slightest amount. Grace unfolds as expansion up through the tattvas, in my consciousness. When I can reach and maintain the the awareness of the Supreme Lord Paramashiva, I will have achieved liberation.

Because of grace.

Thank you, _______. Your grace is a priceless gift beyond any reckoning, comparison or measure.

All has changed! As someone who loves to achieve change, this is so exhilarating (ha ha!).

I am surrounded by a
world and an ocean of
perfect grace
Just last week, if I thought (in so many different ways), "Oh, don't slip.... push harder to stay on course... you'll "go back to sleep," you'll miss the opportunity of this moment if you don't keep trying, pushing, going for it. You will lose this gift, this opportunity..."

WRONG. Now, for the first time in my life, I am seeing that awareness is important, focusing my consciousness makes the difference, mindfulness of the moment is a high practice required to reach the goal....

.... BUT I stop right away now when my mind tells me I'm "messing things up," and I feel fear.

This is contraction. This is creating rajas and tamas and karma.

When I don't know what to do, I can choose the freedom of karma yoga. I can perform the actions without claiming the fruits of the action. Lord Krishna will be right there with me in choosing karma yoga as the way out of the pushing and grasping of my mind.

To listen to Lord Krishna's divine
flute is to be enchanted
and led by grace
Thank you, Beloved Krishna, my heart's delight!! You the Lord of true freedom, of maha (great) yoga, of cosmic playfulness and love. I rest my head in devotion on your lotus feet, and offer my worship of your divine love forever.

And so, for the first time in my life, I can choose to be truly free. Truly free! To enjoy where I am, and be amazed by grace and grace and grace in every moment. I do not have to do anything with the grace, apply it just right, contain it or direct it or stretch it out... to make up for my limited, flawed and unworthy nature.

Grace is perfect. Accept the gift, and listen...

To learn the yoga of grace I must GET OUT OF THE WAY.

My ego is severely alarmed by this, ha ha...

My true nature is already here, one hundred percent. Eternal, perfect, worthy in every way. And I get to experience the gift of grace, and the wonderful path of becoming established in this experience of God as my inner Self, just as it is unfolding, just as it is directed by my guru.

All is well. No worries. (Wow...)

Thank you God, who is Paramashiva. I see you all around me as living light. I hear you as divine sounds from the inner world of ALL. I feel you as bliss, the . Because of grace. Always grace. Only grace.


O divine your lotus feet
the font of your unending grace

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