Thursday, January 31, 2013


Shiva Parvati ~ Pieter Weltevrede
My life is suddenly magical in every way. I am relaxing into the bliss and the sweet, fearless, profound relaxation. These changes are not going away.

My ego wants to get a hold of the changes, comparing me to "others," tallying up the new totals for my level of attainment. Silly ego! You are fired.

(There really is only ONE).

I look around, and all I see is bliss. Can it be that (my Beloved as) many many many people, seekers or otherwise, are all moving into bliss now? Or maybe I'm late, and think I'm early ha ha. At least I am beginning to realize that there are so many seekers (and so many paths) seeking and finding the way, and their bliss. I didn't know how real the spiritual path is for people.

Nada and the ultimate goal

God brought me in for a landing, but he's not waiting for me to do some sight-seeing. My new flight is warming up on the tarmac. I hear it night and day, first thing when I wake up, last thing while drifting into sleep.

Graceland Memphis
Maybe God is waiting for me to do a little sight-seeing (how things look now I'm on the way to Graceland).

Wow, while I was typing this, the sound was so loud and mostly in my right ear: a plane warming up on the tarmac.

Then just now it became very quiet, and back in my left ear.

I was about to type, perhaps God knows I will be "here" for a bit, but is leaving my departure flight warming up in hearing range so I won't forget the ultimate goal, which is...???

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Rumi: Two Kinds of Intelligence

There are two kinds of intelligence: One acquired, as a child in school memorizes facts and concepts from books and from what the teacher says, collecting information from the traditional sciences as well as from the new sciences.

"Rumi" by Lisa Dietrich
(used by permission)
With such intelligence you rise in the world. You get ranked ahead or behind others in regard to your competence in retaining information. You stroll with this intelligence in and out of fields of knowledge, getting always more marks on your preserving tablets.

There is another kind of tablet, one already completed and preserved inside you. A spring overflowing its springbox. A freshness in the center of the chest. This other intelligence does not turn yellow or stagnate. It’s fluid, and it doesn’t move from outside to inside through the conduits of plumbing-learning.

This second knowing is a fountainhead from within you, moving out.

~Jelaluddin Rumi, as translated by Coleman Barks

Love of the Gopis

On the full moon night of the sharad season, Krishna would stand under the Vamsivata tree and play His flute. The infinite love of Krishna’s heart would pour through His beautiful smiling lips into His flute and create the most intoxicating spiritual music. When Krishna would play upon His flute each gopi could hear Krishna personally calling her. 

The gopis left everything to give happiness to Krishna. The acaryas explain that the gopis did not want to enjoy Krishna but they wanted to be enjoyed by Krishna. Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu explained that the deepest, most complete form of renunciation is the ecstatic love of the gopis.

When Krishna would play upon His flute each gopi could hear Krishna personally calling her 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Nada 8 (the hum sound)

The hum sound (nada) has changed from being mostly a plane glidinig in for landing (or dueling leaf blowers) to a plane warming up on the tarmac (I could hear this sound at the airport sometimes from Bill's house).

Hmmmm. Came in for a landing? 

I have been about to DIE from such a long weary, tore me up, I've just got to land someplace (and rest for a few years), extended arc of savaged-by-adulthood, so-called living. Ya.

A cutesy way to describe hell.

At last I have landed! My life no longer bleeds me. It no longer takes more out than it puts in. I'm a shriveled little blot of a person, suddenly I'm like those mighty sponges that GROW when you add a little bit of water. POOF!

At last my premonition that my fifties would be my golden time has come true... few years late (worth the wait).

Each gopi had her own Krishna
Hmmmm. Warming up on the tarmac?

Immediately I think, don't get distracted. You've been waiting your whole life for this. I think about how I practice sanyama less than when this (pervasive spiritual experience) first started. If that's the door, then keep walking trough it!

UPDATE: Yes, the nada/hum sound is from "inside," and is divine in origin. God has picked a sound that I know very well and which can be a background noise that doesn't drive me too buggy (plane sounds). It's a sound that has a beginning, when I first notice it. It has direction, as the plane moves closer. 

I believe that picking a divine "tinkling" (or etc.) sound would likely cause me to focus more on the sound and less on the message.

Sound has a magical quality. It is both external and internal, and can transcend those distinctions. It can draw me to an "inner" place, a plane of being. 

And so, I have decided that Paramashiva is reaching out to me with the humming sound. "Listen," he is saying. "Follow the sound to me."

"I will, my Beloved."

This shit is real

LG: When did you realize you wanted to be an actor? 

Norman Reedus: I didn’t really have an idea I wanted to act until I did it. I remember a scene in my first film called Floating. There was one bit where my father in the film had to stand up out of a wheelchair and hug me after all this horrible shit happened. The director came in and asked how I wanted to prepare for the scene. I literally asked what my options were. I had no idea. I ended up just calling my real dad, who was coincidentally sick and in a wheel chair. Then I did the scene five minutes later. A grip came up to me after lunch in my little holding room where I slept for an hour while everyone went to lunch. He told me nobody spoke during lunch and [that they] hardly ate their food. Maybe he was just being nice because he knew I hadn’t done this [acted] before, and it was at that moment I thought, “Oh… this shit isn’t fake, it’s real. I am always looking to feel that again somewhere, as much as I can. It changed something in me. I’m really fortunate and happy this job found me and that I found it. I’m always very grateful for that.

~from Ladygunn interview with Norman ReedusFriday, May 6, 2011


"A Sannyasi is someone who is skilled in the practice of sanyama, a spiritual technique that allows you to consciously ‘fall back at will’ into Pure Consciousness." ~ from Shiva Loka (malas) website
I have renounced the world in my own way, but I don't have an outward indication of that, such as ashes or jata, like a sadhu would. 

I am not against the world, and it is not against me. It just is. What is different is that I no longer go to the world around me for what I need and desire. I experience all that the wonderful play of the world offers as the sparkly imitation of its source, My Beloved.


I noticed his profile on Twitter. He seemed like an interesting person. I looked at his LinkedIn profile. Interesting.

I followed him on Twitter. Thought about it once or twice, looked at his Twitter profile. Who was this guy?

A day or so later... He kept popping into my mind. Finally I Googled him, and checked out some videos from his band on YouTube. Interesting. He might be famous. He seemed to have money. He was very creative.

A few hours later, an energy and image of him really kept popping into my mind, with a huge surge of shakti! What, I said... what?? (Nothing like this has ever happened to me before).

All over a very sensual kriya took hold and moved me with passion and love.

All right! What?? Contact him???


Fine. I picked up my laptop, and composed a two-part tweet to him.

~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~
@XxxxxxXxxxxxx Hello Krishna, your profile caught my eye, I feel like we've met before (past life? laugh) I'm not into LA or club scene 1/2

@XxxxxxXxxxxxx I'm a soulful techie & irreverent mystic. Love music, film, quiet. Maybe we could connect at least to say hi again lol. 2/2
~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~

Spent a decent amount of time on it. No more. Sent it. That was around 4:00am.

I don't know, I told myself, what this is all about. So, if he responds, great. If he doesn't, great. Maybe the shakti is teaching me how to be fearless, how to reach out for something I am really interested in.

Maybe he needed someone to make a little playful "hit" on him, helped him out somehow. In a way he doesn't have to respond to get this benefit. That's fine too.

I resisted the temptation to redo my blog, etc. through his eyes, to present myself as a certain thing (90% of my on-line activities until now). Did it a little, then let it go.

Woke up today, didn't rush over to the comp, signed on, looked at a couple of things, then, oh... guess I should check my Twitter. A little apprehension, afraid I'd feel hurt. No reply. Not a biggie.


Later I was doing something else on Twitter and came across the Direct Message button (I forgot where it was). I had assumed I could not direct message Krishna unless we followed each other.

WRONG. I sent a tweet instead of a direct message. Totally WRONG.

A HUGE flush of embarrassment flooded through my entire being like FIRE. "Wow!" I said, as I observed this with fairly perfect equanimity. The fire was so hot and intense, it had to be good, though it was hard to let it move through me. Yep, must have burned a whole lifetime of karma in that blaze, ha ha.

My life is on a whole new plane now. What could be better? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Shiva as MGG

Lord Shiva as MGG enjoys recording an image of his reflection in the rear view mirror of his car

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Subtle body 3

My subtle body cannot tolerate cigarettes any more. They make my whole body shriek with sharp, irritable energy.

Stonewaters Studio
The e-cigarette does also, but not near as much. I need it as a bridge to clear all this "amped up" energy! It doesn't feel good any more. Not at all.

I am still drinking half caf / half de-caf coffee, often two cups instead of three.

Do not retreat, jnana. I could force the cigarettes back on myself. I made it through a couple last night while online with the chat room gang. But I am determined not to slip back to where I was.

My "new" (newly purified) subtle body is a gift. I am so happy! I will not let the gift go.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Nada 7 (the hum sound)

My mind finally quit (mostly) trying to figure out the hum sound. It is very quiet now, but becomes louder sometimes, like getting my attention at certain moments.

It is there when I wake up. I am so happy about it then, because my first thought is of God. My first experience of the day is merging into my Beloved. 

As I say a lot lately, what could be better? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Nada 6 (the hum sound)

I listened for the humming sound, and could not hear it. I was afraid I had turned off something divine inside of me. Then it started so softly, and has returned. Sounds like a plane in flight, and landing.

No clue.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


"So I finally decided to just give up
on ever having a life at all..."
I have always been so different. Unable to develop more than the most basic of social connections.

It's like a whole part of me never grew.

Well, now I think that's brilliant! Now I am a sadhini, without a whole bunch of ego, karma and habits of action and perception that I would have had if I were a "well-rounded" human this time around.

I am so lucky! I took the step needed, turning at last from the world and the illusions of participation that I chased all my years, and as this obsession finally fell away, my true path suddenly appeared. This one step as I turned became twenty, or one hundred. An instant transformation to where I am now, borne on my Guru's grace to a lofty height, now my world, jnanaloka. God, bliss, God, My Beloved is everything and everywhere.

My Guru, You accepted me as your devotee, and brought me through all to this place. Without your grace, I could not find God in this body, in this moment, in this lifetime.

Thank You Thank You Gurudeva, my Guru, Guruji. Your grace is that of the Supreme Guru, Lord Paramashiva. 

Om Guru Om.

I love you.

Subtle body 2

I am smoking only a few times a day now, and I make my coffee with half caf & haf de-caf.

If I smoke a "real" cigarette, I immediately taste the burning in it, and the nasty chemicals created. I still smoke a little, but I'm almost going without (still using the e-cigarette to take the place of, though it doesn't completely fill the space of smoking after eating).

Namaste by Alex Gray ~ use as permitted
My body feels different, and especially my state and inner experience of being. Less of the awful sharp and  "popping" like energy of the cigarettes and caffeine. But more than just their absence. I feel more subtle, lighter and clearer somehow. My mind is much more steady. I have been feeling a lot more equipoise, and this supports that.

My being feels like divine energy. Ahh, it feels so good. I can feel my subtle body, as if I am having a big stretch, and feel it all over.

More: shakti, things that feel like they have more shakti in them:

My eyes, feel soothed and both more relaxed and more "open." Colors are crisper, clearer and more vibrant. It is very noticeable. More things are beautiful, some take my breath away.

My ears, I feel the constant gentle pressure of shakti purification in my ears. I notice more sounds, both subtle and generally.

My body, hunger is much more noticeable, not sure I like that. Hugging Poco cat is a symphony of sensation, and we're both happy about that.

Energetically, I am much more centered. I don't fly this way and that, attaching to sense objects, not nearly as much. 

It seems that I am consolidating a huge spiritual change in my soul and being, and that cutting back on cigarettes and coffee has supported that.

I keep saying over and over, "I am so lucky. I am so lucky," though of course luck isn't really in the equation. My Guru is truly the wish-fulfilling tree. I thank Her over and over for this huge gift from Her grace (not something I could earn or attain on my own).

Nada 5 (the hum sound)

Yesterday I got fed up with the hum. I told it to go away a couple of times.

Later I noticed it was much softer. It wasn't that loud before, so now it is very quiet.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Dealing with ego

If I am intelligent, it is because God is intelligent. If I am ignorant and unknowing, it is because God chooses to experience this also, and veils Himself from Himself.

My ego takes pride in, takes credit. 

Don't throw in my fortune with ego. The fruits of ego are karma, becoming threatened, constant need of reinforcement. What a miserable trap.

I am God, I belong to Him.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Subtle body and cigarettes

I tried to quit smoking but it was so hard.

I want to try again, but for now I am smoking again.

My body is not happy. I feel horrible while smoking, irritable and a horrid all over discomfort. I feel that when I don't smoke, only different. (Addiction).

I'm also feeling similar feelings about coffee all the sudden. I've been enjoying smoking much less lately, but since I tried to quit smoking I am also not enjoying coffee. It also makes me feel irritable and antsy all over.

I'm thinking that my being has been purified, that I have moved to a new level where my subtle body is more important or present somehow. And that coffee and cigarettes are not compatible with this change.


Dearest Paramashiva (My New Blog)

Dear Paramashiva, 
my Beloved:

Will You be mine? 
I am Yours forever. 

jnana shiva

~my first post in my newly designed blog~

Nada 4

The internal humming sound is possibly a...
  • nada
  • siddhi
  • om
  • subtle sound (subtle body)
  • adhan, azaan, calls me to return at last to God
  • pulls me back to God and my state when I wander off ~ NOTE: my state is where my sadhana happens, where I am closest to God and my Beloved
  • challenges world of senses
  • challenges magic of maya
  • challenges my mind's order of things (mind keeps trying to make sense of it, can't)
  • constant reminder

The humming sound sounds like one of these droning sounds (it changes):
  • airplane (flying or landing)
  • helicopter (warming up or in flight)
  • leaf blower(s)
  • generator
  • chain saw
  • chipper-shredder
  • car on highway

Last night I asked myself what all these sounds have in common. One answer: Internal combustion engine. Strange.

Recently I realized the engine and tires sound of my parent's car was the first "hum" that lulled me into meditation (since birth).  I was five(?), and curled up in the heat on the gently vibrating floorboards of my parent's car as we traveled through the night to grandma & grandpa's house. (I sensed that mom had noticed, and gestured to dad, and that they smiled, an amazing moment and an amazing memory, so clear). *

I was thinking about this favorite memory when I was taking a bath. The gentle roar of the hot water as the tub filled around me reminded me again of that car-night-heat-vibration-meditation. And again, I felt completely safe, inward turning, outside of mind, time and place, assured of attainment and of God.

This morning I thought about that again, and wondered... that memory of profound meditation was also set to the sounds, vibrations and warmth of an internal combustion engine. The hum of the engine (and tire noise) was a droning sound that pulled me into the deep, center place.

Currently my hum sound is a leaf blower (nearby). This a sound that is not mystical or beautiful, ha ha. Which means if it is nada or a siddhi I won't get attached to or distracted by it as much as I would if it were the special tinkling nada, for example.

*The next year I didn't fit, driveline hump in the way. A huge loss.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Spa Shiva

Been doing God's work all these years. Holding up my life. Pheww doing God's work will make even a titan mega-tired.

Kept waiting hoping wishing praying Dear God, when will someone see I can't hold this up much longer and help me, save me, give me some relief, something real, none of this airy fairy crap everyone's all excited about.

It turns out God had my back all along (they tried to tell me in AA...). I finally let go, and realize he has been holding ALL this up!

Relax. Heal. Get ready to do something totally different, yet entirely the same.


Spa Shiva. Spa Jana. One and the same.

Controlled fall

I was thinking about how planes sound when they're landing... and I heard these words in my thoughts, "controlled fall."

Wow. It seems like that might be part of the message of this humming sound. It keeps cycling up and down slightly, and with the sound similar to a plane, maybe the nature of flight and landing is a spiritual message or lesson. 

Feather it. Landing is a controlled fall. Hmmm.

Nada 3

I have tried listening for the humming sound near home, far away... it's always there.

The sense of direction changes from time to time. Right now I think it's from outside the sliding glass door, which is to my right (sitting here on the couch).

It has the unique sound of an airplane coming in to land at the runway nearby, a sound I heard thousands of times during the six plus (seems like at least ten) years I lived with Bill on Terra Bella. A steady sound, followed by fluctuations as the plane's engine slows slightly, then comes back in, cycling up and down slightly while the plane is losing lift.

But the sound is sometimes different, as though to remind me of other similar "droning" type sounds: a leaf blower (I hear them here when the landscapers come by weekly). A chain saw, and a wood chipper (I heard these when they cut back the trees a couple of different times since I moved here, one time fairly recently). A generator. 

G to G#, and all around these two notes.

So, I guess I have "meditation induced tinnitus."

Makes it sound like a medical condition. Something that is bad, and worse than unnecessary. Something that needs to be treated, stopped somehow.

But if it really is a spiritual thing, then it isn't bad. It teaches me. And it communicates with me.

I will write some more on how.

Saturday, January 19, 2013


Ha ha I feel so happy today! I wobble all over inside, spiritually and emotionally... but I'm still a devotee. My darshan of Paramashiva is still more important than anything else.

Tra la la no worries.

Perfectionism dissolves...

My perfectionism is dissolving. 

Just enough is good enough. 

This is.... huge.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The post-modern dialogue of thinness

Post-modern heroes are everyman. Modern heroes were not everyman, as supposed, but were rather everyman's dream of himself as hero.  The modern hero claimed his title by rising above everyone and everything else. It is very difficult for the post-modern hero to rise above or even stand out in a world where "everything" has been done, and "anything" worth saying has been said. 

In the world of film, dialogue and action have become miscast. For many a film, the real work is how to make these overexposed, aging film stars seem young and fresh, or at least a lot less boring... through the use of CGI and pyrotechnics, as they say.

But, what about our post-modern hero?

The post-modern everyman's story is compelling because he/she is standing still, while the "set" is in motion, i.e. the world of post-modern upheaval, decadence and disintegration that surrounds him. The compelling dialogue is his silent contact with this world. Character development follows the story of everyman's humanity (soul), which stands out against this dehumanizing backdrop as what is essential and real, i.e. cannot be produced, packaged or sold by Hollywood, Prada, or Walmart.

The themes of humanity, soul, isolation... and what is real... are the themes of post-modern art.

UNLESS: You're fat. Fat people don't get to project or even talk about post-modern soul or angst because their authenticity as a sufferer is immediately destroyed by the assumption they have traded it in for food. Lots of food. Repeatedly.

The angst "cred" goes right back in the freezer behind the Smart One's low calorie frozen desserts and that empty Trader Joe's Chocolate Ganache cake box.

Too bad. It sucks to be me.

Nada 2

I posted about the divine nada a few weeks ago. And about hearing a vibration, the unstruck sound (Om).
Since then I have listened and that sound is there all the time. It sounds like an airplane flying overhead, or a generator running in the distance.

At first it was mainly in my left ear (where I have heard the tinkling nada in the past). I would hear it when I lay down to sleep, "through" my earplugs. I would take the earplugs out and it would still be there. 

Note: I always go to sleep (and sleep most or all of the night) on my right side, which means my right ear is more protected from sounds.

I think the first time I noticed the sound was the time I heard the divine tinkling nada in my left ear, and then the humming was there in the left ear after it. Since it was introduced by nada, in the ear I hear nada (left), I identified and focused on it as divine in origin.

A day or so later, I wasn't so sure. Foolish, I thought. That's not Om, or a divine sound. They've been doing roadwork out front all night, it's one of their machines, something for resurfacing the street.

The resurfacing moved down a few blocks, a week or two ago. The sound is still there.

Then I thought it was a generator, maybe in the project yard on the corner (across from 7-11) where their trailer and equipment is. I finally remembered to stop in over at the 7-11 just down the street, and roll my window down. No generator. That's not it.

By then, a couple of days ago, I had begun to hear the sound equally in either ear, though the sense of direction now tends to be on the right.

Finally I started Googling on om and nada, and eventually encountered the topic of "meditation induced tinnitus." One person who has experienced this mentioned that he also experienced the siddhi of seeing his hands through his closed eyes (I have had this quite often in the last few months).

Just now I went out on the back porch, waiting for a break in traffic. The sound is there, not louder or softer. I went out in the front area. Still there, no change of direction or loudness.

Hmmmm. The one thing I haven't found online is people really describing their "meditation induced tinnitus" in terms of the actual qualities of the sound. Part of why I have found it so difficult to accept my sound as divine in origin is that it wavers slightly both in terms of pitch/vibration and loudness. It is constant in its presence, and it stays within a certain range of pitch and loudness. But the fluctuations are random, and the vibration seems to close up on itself (like the sound of a plane still heard through a building), then opens again, raising in volume slightly, etc. 

I guess I am describing the sound in terms of pitch, loudness, and direction. It sounds...

IT SOUNDS LIKE AIRPLANES LANDING OVER OUR HOUSE ON TERRA BELLA. A sound I heard every day, all day and all night, when I lived there.

I was going to say, it sound like it's a certain distance away. As in, overhead, coming in from one direction, flying a couple of hundred feet overhead as it continues over and down onto the (very close) runway.

I remember the other day I had listened to country music all day and evening, and then when I turned it off, the music kept playing in my head. Sort of a mash-up of every three or four chord song playing in the background of my head as one.

So what the hell? Is my mind just making it up? Remaking it up? Or can my super-sensitive ears pick up the sound of every small plane that lands at the US busiest small airport a couple of miles away?

Or is the divine holding that memory sound as a paintbrush paints with a familiar color? Divine energy slipping into that memory sound as its "new" home between my ears??

Through all of this, when I was standing out front, I thought, how interesting... if this really is a sound not from this place, how interesting to have something divine and constant, yet which takes the ho hum sound of a small airplane engine in flight, and follows the randomly fluctuating qualities of these remembered sounds.

WTF? I can hear it right now. It's pretty much always the same, it "starts" with detection of the piercing sound of the approaching plane engine. Right now that is to the left, as it would be if I were at Bill's house on Terra Bella.

The sound gets louder, and the perception of distance is decreased (it gets slightly closer, as in the direction of the sound/plane is coming towards me). The "hum" fluctuates up and down and down and up and down and up and up and down in random patterns of random durations (phases?). 

But, it never stops. There is no landing, no landing sound, no cessation of the flying sound. It just cycles over and over.

Meanwhile... I have had an experience of all this happening, and not happening, and not sure if it's happening, and the sound doesn't seem spiritual or perfect at all, etc. etc.

I don't know. It could be something I have to burn off. An impurity. Or something to help me focus on what is transient, or to focus on what is not. A place to hold on to while performing sadhana, but not a place that is inherently divine or interesting in and of itself (distracting).

I guess it could just be a very strange siddhi. I remember reading somewhere, (was it in Baba's Play of Consciousness?), that sadhus can get distracted by acquiring siddhis, and that this is not good.

I think of course I would want at this point to know whether I have tinnitus, a medical condition I will have to learn to live with, or whether this is a spiritual experience, a divine gift and an aspect of my sadhana.

What is particularly interesting is how fine the little edge is between these two very different interpretations and implications, and how I cannot seem to get off of the edge one way or another.

Perhaps this is the lesson, the gift?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Krishna: the four types of devotees

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

"Four types of virtuous devotees worship me: the distressed; the seekers of wealth; the one who seeks knowledge of God; and the Jnani (wise)." (Bhagavad Gita 7.16). 
"As such a devotee has his mind constantly on God, the latter too has him constantly under his gaze (Gita 4.11). This is why the devotee at the third level never falls, because he is always under the protective gaze of God. Though his previous Samskaras may sometimes take the Jnani Bhakta on the path of wrong Karma, no sooner does he start off, God, who is seated inside his heart, draws him back..." From "The Helpless to the Wise: The Evolution of a Devotee", Nitin Kumar, Exotic India January 2013

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

In the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna describes alternating between the first two stages of devotion: one, seeking God when things hurt, and two, seeking God to petition for the granting of wishes and desires (wealth).

"Wow, God really helped out when I was in a world of hurt. Surely, God will also grant my wish for __________. Wow! Well, I'm doing pretty good now. Thanks God."

Other things are more important than God until the next deep pain or hurt, when the cycle begins again. 

One who truly seeks will eventually realize this back and forth is surely not all there is to life. 

To move beyond the two-step, I must make knowledge of God more important than fixing my life. God has always been an important part of my life, but I was devoted to the world and my place in it. I aspired to put God first, but I could not (though I thought I did). I had other worldly entanglements and aspirations that came first. I only succeeded at putting God first occasionally and for short periods. 

Now I am purifying my heart of everything except for God. I am choosing the life of a devotee.

I have described myself as a devotee for so long. A devotee of my Guru, and of Paramashiva (the Supreme Guru). But I did not see how my devotion to my life was in the way. I was sure my life would be fixed by my sadhana, and I was devoted to that. My heart's desire: my life healed and transformed. I could only see one other option: to extinguish my devotion to life. This felt wrong, and it was. Devotion is not extinguished, or abandoned, or smashed. I see now that devotion is my heart, to be given again, only now I truly offer it to God.

I embrace my devotion to my life, then offer it to My Beloved. As life is a gift to me, I offer my life as a gift back to The Lord. I have finally moved all else aside and put God first.

Ha ha, I am like the pickle that will never return to being a cucumber

According to Lord Krishna, I have reached the third stage, where the devotee begins to ask the important questions about God, and so begins to truly know God. Krishna assures Arjuna that attainment of this third stage leads surely to the fourth, which is to become established in the knowledge of God.

Becoming a "full" devotee is a little thing, true, because I am a little thing in this world.

But it is also a huge thing, as big as it gets, because God only gets to do this "little thing" once... as me.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Nourished at last

Besides the decision to offer myself and my life to God... another big change in all of this growth is that I have lost my fear of being poor. I still have a healthy appraisal of being poor and how challenging it is. But the black fear in my gut that being poor will finally vanquish and destroy me is gone. This is huge!

This fear has gone hand in hand with the terror of being alone. No way to be connected to others, no way to support myself, hold my life up from destruction. These terrors have been constant in my life.

No wonder I feel so free now, with my two main (hideous) fears subsiding. Free at last to live a life that is about more than avoiding destruction and mental breakdown. No longer obsessed with finding someone to hold me up and provide shelter from life's demands. No longer feeling that I was being drained of my spirit year after year, with no way to replenish it.

I am living for God. My spirit is growing so quickly. I am being nourished by life, rather than depleted. I've been "on vacation" for months now (though it started as just one week ha ha). I've been recharging on the inside, with little emphasis on the outside. Soon I will be employed! But for now... 


PS  I suddenly have the opportunity to write all this down in my funny blog, which no one will likely ever read. That's fine. Just me and God (makes one). I'll have a job soon enough, and a lot less time for writing in my blog.

I want to follow God

What does it feel like to follow God? 

I want to follow God's lead. I feel free(!) to follow Him anywhere! I have decided to dedicate my life to this.

I find an exquisite sense of the shakti as God's guiding touch in each moment, opening here in my heart.

I pay quick attention to what is revealed there as longing. 

I followed my heart when I moved to Shree Muktananda Ashram. I followed my heart when I moved to Las Vegas. Now I am free to follow God in every way. I am His. 

What could be better?! Nothing! Nothing at all.

Pearls of (worldly) knowledge

I speak in personal parables, words put to certain glances at the form of the world, updates on the understanding I build of it inside.

Bram Stoker's Dracula
"I have gathered up this growing row of pearls, see how they are so finely matched and threaded..."

"I have followed some ways beyond this well-worn path to that grassy hill, and found better understanding from a new vantage point. Listen, and I will tell you..."

I hate it when I do this, play the know-it-all. But really, perhaps I am so different that my way of sharing time and experience with another has a different language and grammer.

Years ago, I realized that I have been trying to create intimacy with others in my own way. I was silent, I think, before I developed it. When my father criticizes (as I do), he is trying to correct another's viewpoint with his understanding of what is important to know about each thing. We aren't just adding knowledge, we're sharing our individual "experience map" of the world. 

This is what makes me feel intimate, if someone can see or experience as I do, or at least the closest that I get (outside of sexuality). Simply sharing what is important to know is very intimate. But our way doesn't work. We push people away with this behavior. What is missing is a blank for me. A gulf I cannot cross, though I watch as others seem to negotiate it as a born gift(?)

When I open a recently gathered nugget about Islamic art in the form of the pleasing symmetry and detailed tile work of arabesques... while walking through the reception area at The Bellagio with Don... it is a non sequitur. Or is it?

Bram Stoker's Dracula

In my world, the subject of now is whatever is in the now, whether it is about our conversation, or what is in front of me, or simply whatever comes to mind (what I'm reminded of in the moment). This is the process of my mind. It is very different from how people seem to enjoy social interaction with each other.

Perhaps they go to this place when they are silent, and sit with their own process? Perhaps putting together various pieces of knowledge in such a constant manner is my particular prowess as a synthesizer? When I think I have thought something up, really, I have put it together with what I have gathered before, a three-dimensional map that grows each day, and which I do not really attempt to explain in words, except in pieces.

So to create intimacy, I point out a part, and expound on it. Everything has a footnote, and a reference to all else.

I know... a little about everything, and little about much else.

Shiva, Paramashiva, Krishna, Vishnu, Lakshmi, Ram, Kali Durga, Ganesha, Buddha, Quan Yin, Jesus, Heavenly Father... My Beloved

It seems so obvious now. But Vishnu and Paramashiva are the same. And Krishna is an incarnation of Vishnu (and Shiva of Paramashiva). I was so confused about these three, which came from the impurity of my mind. 

I couldn't reconcile these concepts. They couldn't all be experienced at the same time, which was difficult when reading the Gita, or deciding whether to pray to Shiva or Krishna, and thinking they were different. 

Blissful chanting of the Vishnu Sahasranam brought darshan with Krishna? Vishnu? Paramashiva??

And what about the grove, the boy Joseph, the two personages?

There was a point where I finally found inside the experience that all of the forms of God are Paramashiva. The divisions between religions and deities have finally melted away. Everywhere I look I recognize, love and worship my Beloved. 

Even in the grove. It was all Paramashiva. No more or less true because of it.

When I read the Gita, I am reading the words of the Vedantic Vishnu as Krishna, and his teachings regarding Brahman. The commentary is that of the Shaivist Saint, Jnaneshwar. 

Mischief! I slip past the beloved Vedantic and Shaivist Gods for the One in my heart.

The ultimate God I call Paramashiva. And there is nothing but Paramashiva, and nothing that is not. 

Paramashiva is my Beloved. Shiva is my Beloved. Vishnu is my Beloved. Krishna is my Beloved. The Supreme Guru is my Beloved.

Lakshmi, Ram, Kali-Durga, Ganesha... Buddha, Quan Yin... Jesus, Heavenly Father... a few of the many thousand names of my Beloved.

God is my Beloved.

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