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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Nourished at last

Besides the decision to offer myself and my life to God... another big change in all of this growth is that I have lost my fear of being poor. I still have a healthy appraisal of being poor and how challenging it is. But the black fear in my gut that being poor will finally vanquish and destroy me is gone. This is huge!

This fear has gone hand in hand with the terror of being alone. No way to be connected to others, no way to support myself, hold my life up from destruction. These terrors have been constant in my life.

No wonder I feel so free now, with my two main (hideous) fears subsiding. Free at last to live a life that is about more than avoiding destruction and mental breakdown. No longer obsessed with finding someone to hold me up and provide shelter from life's demands. No longer feeling that I was being drained of my spirit year after year, with no way to replenish it.

I am living for God. My spirit is growing so quickly. I am being nourished by life, rather than depleted. I've been "on vacation" for months now (though it started as just one week ha ha). I've been recharging on the inside, with little emphasis on the outside. Soon I will be employed! But for now... 

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

PS  I suddenly have the opportunity to write all this down in my funny blog, which no one will likely ever read. That's fine. Just me and God (makes one). I'll have a job soon enough, and a lot less time for writing in my blog.


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