This fear has gone hand in hand with the terror of being alone. No way to be connected to others, no way to support myself, hold my life up from destruction. These terrors have been constant in my life.
No wonder I feel so free now, with my two main (hideous) fears subsiding. Free at last to live a life that is about more than avoiding destruction and mental breakdown. No longer obsessed with finding someone to hold me up and provide shelter from life's demands. No longer feeling that I was being drained of my spirit year after year, with no way to replenish it.
PS I suddenly have the opportunity to write all this down in my funny blog, which no one will likely ever read. That's fine. Just me and God (makes one). I'll have a job soon enough, and a lot less time for writing in my blog.