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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Still God

No more bliss, no silent stillness. I tried to get it back, my mind turning over and around... where did it go?

My ego couldn't care less. Pshaww.

Don't give up. Don't give up! Do I really have to get pulled under again by the endless undertow of maya, through the churned up eddies of my mind's fearsome, water sign whirlpool before coming back to try again? No... please no.

Don't give up.

Return to me, God is calling
And my heart answers
Yes, yes, I am here
Call me home
Only You
Only You
When I listen to the Azans (Adhans), I am drawn back to the place of stillness. And when I read bits of Shaivist or Buddhist thought, I will read a certain part and drift into the center place. (For some reason this tends to happen when I am smoking, which is perplexing... hard to go for head leaning forward meditation with a burning cigarette in my hand).

And I thought, some things draw me inward to God. Maybe that's what will help me to find and become established in that place, is seeking out the things which evoke it, instead of trying to pull myself there with my mind. Sometimes I can, but if I can't, don't panic. It's okay to need something to help shift my experience from samsara to God. Um, ya.

I am still so so so happy to have finding and being my Beloved inside be the purpose of my life, of every day!!

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

When I went to coffee, I could see immediately that I was different. Much more centered and held within, no shakti spewing or futile chasing of social connection. But when I opened my mouth the same old ego-driven drivel came out, only a lot more shaky! I could hardly put a sentence together.

And I sat there, a moment of profound reassurance. I have changed, I have really changed. It is real, my life has been transformed. I have turned away from all the goals I had about this life, and now focus on my inner experience of God, and seeing God in all that is around me (which always makes me giggle).

I already had a spiritual practice with many many hours of work, many lifetimes of karma burned. But I was still trying to grasp at samsara, still invested in playing the game of maya. No more. I have finally given up. As a sadhini, I have finally moved on from this world. Its touch upon me is smaller than a finely ground grain of sand. That is all it has ever been, but I created much more in myself about that tiny tiny touching place.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

At the meeting I shared about Don's visit, and there was a lot of shakti in my share. Afterwards, I was reminded of how Elaine (counselor) described how I "lit up" when talking about military aircraft. I made a note to try sharing from that place, if I can find it.

I do get all excited about certain things. Why not share that? A great way to get past my mind "trying" to share.

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