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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The broken place

BACKSTORY: "My story" has had this amazing broken place in it. I tried all my life to find a fix, so I could find my way to others. I finally gave up, and have chosen to be alone. This has transformed my life, and I have written about it in the last few weeks. In this post I remember some of the elements to the story of the broken place.

I just remembered how much I hated trying to jam musically with other musicians when I was younger. I couldn't wait to stop, couldn't wait for it to be over. Every second was excrutiating. I wanted to RUN! away.

Also, when I took dancing lessons with my friend from church, I hated dancing with someone else. Same feeling, couldn't wait for it to stop and be over with.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
It occurs to me that these are concrete ways my inability to get close to others manifests. There is a line, and no one gets over it. No one. This feels like a permanent feature of who I am, not something I could ever change (though God could, of course).

I have noticed on occasion that if someone got too close, I would unconsciously push them back, (or stop the occasion somehow). Because it wasn't an "integrated" part of me, it often was cold or rude, in effect.

This has made me feel there is a part of me that is running things from out of sight. She lets me run the show until I threaten her, then she steps in and takes control for a moment. She is very smart. She can control all of me whenever she wants. She doesn't speak. Her language is action.

I tried to make up for this part of me by going to college for seven years. I tried a lot of different jobs, a lot of different places to make my home, crazy things. Destructive things.

When I was terrified as a teenager of leaving home and working, I think it was more than hating the adult world and how it made me feel. It was also a realistic assessment of my own capabilities that ran short of working and self-support.

The process of getting through that to a job I could tolerate (parts driver) was so painful.

All these elements came into focus at the same time.

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