I just remembered how much I hated trying to jam musically with other musicians when I was younger. I couldn't wait to stop, couldn't wait for it to be over. Every second was excrutiating. I wanted to RUN! away.
Also, when I took dancing lessons with my friend from church, I hated dancing with someone else. Same feeling, couldn't wait for it to stop and be over with.
|Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon|
I have noticed on occasion that if someone got too close, I would unconsciously push them back, (or stop the occasion somehow). Because it wasn't an "integrated" part of me, it often was cold or rude, in effect.
This has made me feel there is a part of me that is running things from out of sight. She lets me run the show until I threaten her, then she steps in and takes control for a moment. She is very smart. She can control all of me whenever she wants. She doesn't speak. Her language is action.
I tried to make up for this part of me by going to college for seven years. I tried a lot of different jobs, a lot of different places to make my home, crazy things. Destructive things.
When I was terrified as a teenager of leaving home and working, I think it was more than hating the adult world and how it made me feel. It was also a realistic assessment of my own capabilities that ran short of working and self-support.
The process of getting through that to a job I could tolerate (parts driver) was so painful.
All these elements came into focus at the same time.