I am starting to feel really, really clear. Perhaps now that I have chosen God and only God, my burning and purification has hugely widened and deepened. Poof! Lots of the "ends" of stuff finally burnt away in a puff of sacred smoke.
I have very little fear, very little compulsion. Almost all of my delusion, my samskaras of fear and shame, have been burned away. This is all in the last few months!
For the last few nights, I have had a "new" experience, (I've had here and there in the past), of needing to "cocoon," which for me means curling up under the blankets in bed for a time.
In the past, it was a sort of contraction, a way of shutting the world out for awhile until the pendulum swung towards outer life again. I would often spend most of the day in bed, and might have called in sick if I was supposed to be anywhere.
This is different. I feel really really sleepy, a kind of tired that isn't painful, more a call to sleep. Even though it happens around 9pm (what meridian is active then?), and I don't usually go to sleep until at least 4 or 5am, it has been such a strong urge that I have gone with it.
So, I choose to trust the impulse, and go with it. Normally I would never go to sleep then because my experience of waking up in the middle of the night after hours of sleep would be excruciatingly painful with cold fear so ascendant that I would curl up in a corner of my psyche for who knew how long.
And so I hurry through the apartment, taking meds and feeding the cat, turning out lights and such, all on a sudden bee-line for the bed.
I feel some of the excitement I used to feel at the ashram when I would race down the stairs to the kriyaloka "noisy" meditation room (usually only one or two of us, me and the dedicated lion pranayama devotee, bless him wherever he is, love love).
I apply earplugs and sleep mask, and slip down into the bed, feeling my energy coming together in a unique way, every time. It's like a dhyana (deep meditation) feeling, physical, subtle body I guess. Turning within in a way that is intense, almost fierce.
My mind settles and I am meditating. But also falling asleep. I sleep for a few hours and get up.
Some serious purification going on here. And I am feeling so different.
I can stop when using the computer. I can look up and I'm here. I don't have to limp back slowly from hiding-out land, having burned up all my shakti. My use of the computer is fun, and it's just what I do right now. It isn't addictive-compulsive.
The obsession that is addiction is sliding out of my relationship with the computer... and for that matter, with cigarettes (only the vap now, missing cigarettes less and less). Coffee, food. Wow. Just today I feel this. Another amazing change.