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Saturday, February 23, 2013

Renunciation

I renounce creating and building relationships with other people. I have tried to do this my whole life, it rarely worked and when it did it was usually dishonest, and fell apart when my latest "truth" changed. I am very very selfish. That is the truth. I have no cohesive true self to share with others.

Lonely
Photo by Vanessa Shakesheff
(used by permission)
I have been profoundly isolated my entire life. I believe I have a form of high-functioning autism. But really, I believe I have taken this birth after not completing my sadhana in a past life. And so, no matter how hard I have tried to have a "life in the same land as others," it has never happened.

Not for one minute.

Amazing to keep trying until almost 55. I am so glad to still have enough time left to focus on my true purpose.

I give it up! I renounce more than basic connection with others. There is no overlap between their world and mine. To act as if this is not so is dishonest, profoundly dishonest to myself.

I am alone at last. My true life and purpose as a sadhini now begins.

The only truth I have found in this life, that doesn't give out after a few months or a few years, is the truth which I find inside, the divine Self which is Paramashiva, which is everything.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I feel exactly like this :)

jnana shiva said...

It is such a relief to slip out from under the burden of delusion... more so with the greater delusion. I am reminded again and again that I don't live in the same world of others committed to living in and creating from karma. My story has wound down. I am done. Soon I will reunite fully with my greater Self. This is what I was born for, and what I live for. It makes me completely different from anyone who doesn't share this truth. And so I have fun serving and playing with others. But I am the watcher, I am the knower. When I can offer everything to Lord Krishna, to Paramashiva, I am Arjuna playing my part, I am Parvati practicing austerities to be with my Lord. I find that I am saying goodbye to everything, a sort allowing of the slipping off feeling where these things were in my heart, finding I am still whole without anything at all.

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