Immediately I had the darshan (experience, presence) of the ashram. I had just offered puja to Shiva, and prayed to the guru, please return your grace to me, please return me to your grace.
I remembered other times when the darshan of the ashram came to me, quite a few. For the first time(?), I realized the guru gives me her darshan, reaches out to me as "the ashram." This is a high teaching. She and the ashram are one.
When I moved away from the ashram, Bade Baba wouldn't acknowledge me in the temple, praying for his blessing. Instead, as I walked through the Anugraha lobby, he gave me an experience of the ashram as alive with sacred shakti, made of living consciousness, the very walls and floors, even the umbrellas waiting by the door.
(I remember when I first came to the ashram, and I had this experience. The "darshan" hallway and the funny phone booths).
On this level, I did not "leave" the ashram. For the rest of my life, I will only leave the ashram when I am mistaken about this, when I think I have. The ashram is not far away, and it is not (only) a place. It is my guru's shakti and grace. She is my home, and this will never change.
I need her grace, I cannot take it for granted or she might take it away, teaching me before it can return again.
I lost my focus. I am not bad. As many times as it takes, I choose to begin again.