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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Encounters with my guru

Pranam and pranam I touch my prayer hands to my forehead where you left your mark, pressed with "the touch" of my physical Guru, "alone" in the dark, her door locked and never opened when I was there.

I sat before another door and wondered what fool had opened it when we were deep in meditation... she came in dripping velvet shakti, as always, stepping right out of her deep meditation.

Her feet. Her bare feet and ankles just visible beneath her warm saffron silk. I joined the slow moving, barely audible throng respectfully filing into the Muktananda Mandir, looking at my shoeless feet as I enjoyed the special feeling of many disciplined yogis holding their shakti close... and looking at my feet I saw hers moving next to mine, brown and graceful, beautiful, my Guru is next to me... and I am not looking at her. Grace, we walked together, I did not look up.

Her step. Leaving the temple she is arriving, walking towards me, her light steps down the slight incline, so close, I turned and stepped into a row of chairs to sit respectfully until she had bowed to Bade Baba and left.

She laughed during satsang, recounting her fun and joyous adventures flying about the dining hall unseen, tapping on the occasional shoulder. Later in the dining hall, I recalled this to the visitors at my table, and IMMEDIATELY inhaled sharply, smiling and smiling and smiling!!!! An unmistakable TAP-TAP on my shoulder!

She really can fly about, invisible, stirring up fun! My Guru rocks.

I remember the sevite who walked the perimeter with the exquisite scent of burning dhoop so so early in the morning, dressed in white, saying the sacred mantras, acknowledging and honoring the divine shakti that filled the ashram with fire and grace. He recounted a conversation with the Guru before she left for India. She had promised to walk the perimeter here every day while she was away.

I knew that she could.

She joined us for Christmas carols, sitting at a table with some other happy sevites. I stood with others who were standing nearby, and longed for her, LONGED for her so deeply that she slowly, deliberately turned to looked right at me, then as she looked away a tremendous wave of shakti and bliss filled me to overflowing. I was drunk with her shakti and so glad for the pillar next to me to lean against.

We jumped off the shuttle bus at Anugraha. It was spring and we wanted to walk to Atma Nidhi. As we walked into the front lawn area, I looked up and for the first time, in her physical form she was walking towards me, looking right at me. She did not look away or change her pace as she walked up, then by me slowly. I was wearing a black(!) X-Files t-shirt, not unusual for me, but not the usual choice at an ashram. I was filled with dismay, shame, unworthiness, my ego went up in flames as she mirrored my miserable eyes locked with hers in a severe, penetrating gaze.

I was almost in tears. After she had gone by, when we had made it safely to the other side of the road, (she is ever thoughtful), I was suddenly filled with a huge outpouring of blissful shakti and grabbed my friend, squeezing her as we jumped up and down with pure joy and abandon. I felt a tremendous load of karma burnt up and gone, baby, gone. Yes, I literally felt lighter.

Years as a devotee and never speaking to her "in person." The announcement before darshan: those who haven't come for darshan before are invited to come up today. They are also invited to find someone to introduce them to the Guru.

I was burned in the restroom (there's always a "burn"). I tried to fix the paper towels, and failed. I heard as I walked away. "She didn't know what she was doing." Ouch, said my ego, (the know-it-all).

I stepped into line, knowing that it was full on already, that darshan begins as soon as the intention to seek it arises. I slipped the ring of the beloved off of my ring finger, and dropped it into the offering basket as I knelt, then lay in full pranam at the feet of my Guru. I shrug it off now, but she "whacked" me with her peacock feathers (a symbol of her grace) many many times, many more than the others bowing next to me.

Nothing the Guru does is without layers of meaning. Grace is our connection, she was affirming. Not an "in person" relationship. Grace. She knew I would notice the extra "whacks," and that I would ponder it, that it would be special to me. Not in person, but do not think that I don't know or care about YOU.

[Then why do I shrug it off now? Let it in. You know she loves you.]

I looked about for the friend who came to mind for the privilege of introducing me, and immediately ran into her. I instructed her to mention my seva in the Networking Group, which I considered a gift from her grace.

She walked up to my Guru with me, rudely interrupting her and those around her, who were all immediately silent and looking at me. "G______, this is J*na B*ss. She offers her seva in the Networking Group." 

As we walked up, I had wondered if the Guru would say something about my promotion to Network Administrator, my dream come true and very important to me. As my Guru, would she know this was what was in my heart as I approached her, so grateful for this form of her grace?

She said two words, the only words she has ever spoken to me in her physical form. Then she turned her head away (a way of communicating that we don't have a physical relationship). 

The two words? Networking group.

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