I was somewhat jilted, acting as though I was not, still hopeful. Making conversation about the similar, but subtly different pastel threads in a piece of fabric I have woven, which he had showed interest in (my sadhana? He is interested in my sadhana).
My male friend was passive, unfocused, ambivalent. Whatever.
NA was sensual, spontaneous, different motivation and needs than mine, oblivious to mine (as the drama of life seems by nature to be "oblivious of" my wishes and desires, which I take personally, "whatever...")
I was saying, "Me, give your love to me." NA was saying "What's next? What's next in life?" My friend was saying, "I don't care, whatever."
Ah! I have been "suffering" with ambivalence, and emptiness, following a period of intense "love" and longing for "NA" (God).
I grasped and held onto the intense feelings of passion and longing, creating karma.
Now I am pushing away the emptiness and regret of post-passion, the intense karma of all that intense grasping. This pushing away creates... what else? More karma.
Thank God for guru's grace. It is great, beyond any limitation. It burns up my karmas faster than I can make them.
What's next? What's next in life? NA's (God's) question frees me, keeps me in the now, and opens me to whatever life brings without grasping or pushing away.
What's next? What's next in life?
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