So. I am human. I have cycles. Sometimes contracted, compulsive, fearful.
My fear speaks. It tells me that feeling contracted means I have lost my way, that my ego and sleepy habit are robbing me of my commitment to return to God.
Swamiji likened it to the teeter totter. Children at play love to go UP! And yet, they also love to come down. Coming down always happens before going up.
Swamiji said that the difference wasn't that an enlightened person didn't have ups and downs. It was that they didn't last anywhere near as long because they were not resisting or grasping at the hills and valleys of their experience.
This is the highest truth I know: it is all consciousness. The thought that I am separate from God is consciousness. The thought that I am ruining anything ever, or forever, is consciousness.
When I remember this, it all becomes One.