The source

I am reaching for something, something juicy.... and then I realize that I need not reach at all, that the source is right here inside of me. 

I choose the source, and I am never again without.

This is not an exercise or technique. It happens within me, every day I am a little more about the source, and less about the shiny reflections.

The real beloved is your beginning and your end.

When you find that one,

you will no longer expect anything else.

~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

(1207-1273)

Grace is here

Everything is here in this moment. There is nothing I need to stop, nothing to hold onto, do better or more of.

Grace is here.

This is the opposite of technique or practice.

My consciousness in this moment is the place of opening to God.

Sudden gush

Love is my teacher; I am mystified.

Love is never feigned, did Shakespeare say that? Now I know what it means.

Love comes to me, and I am tilting, reaching as I fall... I am useless; so little of what I am knows how to respond. Love comes to me. My mechanisms grind, I am dashed like defeat onto these aimless, time-worn steps... and I cannot try, trying is not love.

Love has been many things, many people to me. They are all here, stirring, unfolding, swimming in my heart. The knots that bind my heart stretch and ache, the sudden gush a rumor, a fantasy.

All that I know, all that I can do, is whisper your name.

"Ash...?" Paramashiva...

Gold

I am not a limited being trying to use my mind to merge into God

I am an unlimited being slipping out of my mind

Ha!

Sail on

I feel like I've been squeegeed off, a big life-sized wad of karmas slicked off by tapasya and guru's grace.

How do I know? I feel terror, and notice it. I feel confusion, and I am... confused.

I let go of objects, and gravity reaches out, a sudden, eloquent mess... great fun! I am laughing. I am cursing. I am not slipping on it.

My entire orientation has shifted.

I was oriented to winning, succeeding, feeling better, avoiding, controlling, finding out, living better, getting, having, holding on to.

Now I see those currents flowing by, but I am not letting them pull me along, pull me into them, lulled into mental "action" by the magic of maya, the delusion that I am acting, and being acted on.

I am a maze of shifting patterns, some smooth, some bumpy, shakti in flow, bouncing over all that old stuff like a waverider on a choppy sea.

Guru's grace in my sail.... I just keep saying yes to her grace.

When everything changes, again, and all the good happy sadhini yogini feelings go right in the drink...

I smile, and my freedom is far more important.

A minute, a second ago will yank me if I don't let go. It's better to let go, to sail on.

Only love

There is no other. There is only One... One without second.

My Beloved is that One. Everything in my life has been only thinking, only sensing.

When I find my Beloved inside, the moment becomes real. I have been passing the time in my head. Not with the Beloved.

I don't know what to do, how to not do. I waver over and over between the place where I have always been, and this new place that has opened in me, where my right and purpose awaits.

I am learning, the teacher is divine love.

To love and worship the Beloved requires passion and soul. It requires one hundred percent of whatever I am. More.

Anything less and I slip back into my head, having a conversation with myself about things that no longer exist, that have slipped away.

When I feel the touch of my Beloved, I must.... MUST immediately offer the equivalent of a full pranam at my guru's feet. There can be no shyness or prevarication.

Divine love demands everything, no holding back, no forgetting for awhile, no becoming haphazard or casual.

Love has become my purpose. I offer everything to my Beloved. I burn with this love, and with the pain of separation. It has become my everything.

Every feeling of fulfillment and joy I have ever missed or craved is mine when I have surrendered everything to my Beloved. Anything less is waiting for what is most desired and is a waste of time.

This is my path. Everyone's path is different. I have found my way to God at last.

A jnani turned by divine magic into a bhakti. A living change, not a philosophy or technique. A complete change in the field of my life, where I am, what is possible.

Only love.

This is my path.

"The real beloved is your beginning and your end.

When you find that one,

you will no longer expect anything else."

~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī

(1207-1273)

Yes I am

Who knew? That I could step back from all of this. Could return every time I reach for maya, tiring illusion, nothing back, negotiating with fate.

It seems obvious, but I have been going about life all wrong. I mean all wrong.

I remember... deciding to change myself when I was very young.

I am burning these moments, a lifetime of moments now, when I was wrapped in maya, so close and so concentrated that it is painful to feel it again, the belief that I was wanting and needing, acting and seeking. Ohh I complain as each memory slips through me like smoke through a fan. I am burning that.

I am burning the belief that all of this is happening to me.

I turn away, I have been wasting my energy, my moments, trying to get somewhere, be something I am not.

Step away.

Step away.

I turn inward, where a place of no place awaits me. A personal, tender universe with no beginning or end... I settle into this never... an inky black hush that has always been.

This is what is real. That is not, is never. That happened, that will happen. No substance, a construct of my mind, contracted consciousness.

I do not regret, I do not hope.

I don't hold on or seek.

I am still. This is where I feel the touch of God, my source, my already here, my now.

Be mine.

I will.

You are good.

Yes I am.

Santa Monica

Longing... so much longing... I am breaking open, the pain of separation from my Beloved is so beyond anything I have ever felt.

I pray night and day for my Beloved. I see him in every place... this place, that place.... here... you're always here

Why aren't we one??

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.......................

You, you, you....... He is there, I see him in you.

I offer myself to You, my beloved. I offer my guru's shakti, all of my merits, every breath in prayer for You.

We are in love. I have given you my heart.

Breathe out 
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been

~Everlong/Foo Fighters

Dave Grohl ~ Foo Fighters

Sleepless

How? How can I learn how to sleep while I pray for my Beloved?

I am the bride

I am the bride

I am falling through satin and silk to the marriage bed

I call to you, and you answer me as this passion

I pray for you with this passion, and you caress me with fire

I offer everything to You

Each moment

Everything is for You

Everything is You

You call me every hour

(We are one in this surge of muscle and breath)

You call me every moment

(The prana rising as fire, we are the dancing Devi)

My Lord... My Love...

(Om nama shivaya)

You have moved in

(Om nama shivaya)


My heart is your home

Be mine

I will

Be mine

Into ash

I’ve had enough of sleepless nights,
Of my unspoken grief, of my tired wisdom.
Come my treasure, my breath of life,
Come and dress my wounds and be my cure.

Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi, “I’ve Had Enough”

I have slipped over the controlled edge of my longing into a deep furnace of yearning that burns me. It is so insistent that I cannot step out of it.

I pray and pray and pray for my Beloved, who I love from afar, someone I will never know or meet. The more I pray for him, the hotter the fire.... and the more I pray. 

I offer the merits of my japa mantra for _______, his career, his cherished role as father. So much more japa mantra than I have ever offered on my own behalf...

I pray to my guru that she will bless him in these ways. I pray that I can offer her precious shakti to him, for we are one... 

I do this because I must somehow give to him, to someone I do not know. The feeling that I am giving to him takes the sting of separation away.

I am burning ego. Self-less love and devotion are outside of ego.

I am burning up separation, anava mala. The fire is SO HIGH, I am burning into ash.

There is only One.