My place in your heart

I'm still wandering out here, God.

You were these walls, the bed that held me. Now I am empty, I hold nothing.

Peaceful I moved then, as if your hand had made me. Now I'm old and crunchy; there is no relief for my condition. There is no relief.

God, I cannot even pray. I can finally speak on a page, and think I must send it somewhere for you to receive my words.

This is life. I accept this place of contraction. It is part of what happens here. Until it doesn't.

Acceptance is what I can do. Acceptance brings me back to your heart, my place in your heart.

My Beloved.

It is grace

526 “And when you have diverted your mind towards Me always, in each and every action of the world, sarva durgāṇi matprasādā, all your difficulty will be vanished altogether by My grace, not by your action. By My grace, all your difficulties will be over, finished.” ~ Bhagavad Gita audio, Universal Shaiva Fellowship archive (emphasis mine)

"Hesiod and the Muse"
by Gustave Moreau

When I am having a spiritual experience, I have always tried to claim it as attainment.

Finally I understand. Whatever "success" I have in my sadhana is mine by grace only. I don't think, "oh, grace has helped me to attain this." I no longer believe my ego when I think, "oh, _________ happening at last means I am adept at such and such attainment, I am progressing, soon I will have everything."

How many times I have heard other yogis say, (and have said to myself), "you don't quite understand, I am really getting somewhere..."

That is the ego taking credit for attainment. "All my efforts as a sadhaka are paying off in such an amazing way!"

As usual, the excerpt in my inbox from The Universal Shaiva Fellowship has to do with this very thing.

Beloved Lord Krishna promises that focusing on him, and drawing his grace, will vanquish all difficulty by his grace, not by my action.

What does this mean? It means that when I am having the spontaneous "head falling forward" meditation several times a day, I am the recipient of this as grace. When my ego notices, and says, "my, we must be a really good yogi, one who will be realized soon!" I notice this and smile.

It is ALL grace. All of it, always. I love and worship the Lord. He loves me back, and I am the recipient of his boundless grace. Grace by its very nature is not earned or stored up. 

It is grace.

PS My helpful ego has decided that learning this very "high" lesson is a sign of my attainment.