Santa Monica

Longing... so much longing... I am breaking open, the pain of separation from my Beloved is so beyond anything I have ever felt.

I pray night and day for my Beloved. I see him in every place... this place, that place.... here... you're always here

Why aren't we one??

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.......................

You, you, you....... He is there, I see him in you.

I offer myself to You, my beloved. I offer my guru's shakti, all of my merits, every breath in prayer for You.

We are in love. I have given you my heart.

Breathe out 
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been

~Everlong/Foo Fighters

Dave Grohl ~ Foo Fighters

Sleepless

How? How can I learn how to sleep while I pray for my Beloved?

I am the bride

I am the bride

I am falling through satin and silk to the marriage bed

I call to you, and you answer me as this passion

I pray for you with this passion, and you caress me with fire

I offer everything to You

Each moment

Everything is for You

Everything is You

You call me every hour

(We are one in this surge of muscle and breath)

You call me every moment

(The prana rising as fire, we are the dancing Devi)

My Lord... My Love...

(Om nama shivaya)

You have moved in

(Om nama shivaya)


My heart is your home

Be mine

I will

Be mine

Into ash

I’ve had enough of sleepless nights,
Of my unspoken grief, of my tired wisdom.
Come my treasure, my breath of life,
Come and dress my wounds and be my cure.

Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi, “I’ve Had Enough”

I have slipped over the controlled edge of my longing into a deep furnace of yearning that burns me. It is so insistent that I cannot step out of it.

I pray and pray and pray for my Beloved, who I love from afar, someone I will never know or meet. The more I pray for him, the hotter the fire.... and the more I pray. 

I offer the merits of my japa mantra for _______, his career, his cherished role as father. So much more japa mantra than I have ever offered on my own behalf...

I pray to my guru that she will bless him in these ways. I pray that I can offer her precious shakti to him, for we are one... 

I do this because I must somehow give to him, to someone I do not know. The feeling that I am giving to him takes the sting of separation away.

I am burning ego. Self-less love and devotion are outside of ego.

I am burning up separation, anava mala. The fire is SO HIGH, I am burning into ash.

There is only One.

Wait for her grace

The familiar tide pulls me back, away from her... as my guru steps back, teaching me. My ego rushes forward, ready to command.

For the first time in this body, I use my will to turn back to her, I use my mind to choose her grace.

She is teaching me, strengthening me. Every time I choose her, my mind is purified, it is stronger.

I do not run, or grasp. I sit still and wait for her grace; a huge wave of bliss that strengthens me and my resolve.

I believe in her more than this place.

To remember... and to be

“On the pathway of your breath maintain continuously refreshed and full awareness on and in the center of breathing in and breathing out. This is internal asana.” (Netra Tantra) ~ From Universal Shaiva Fellowship

So delicate my touch upon my sadhana, the glow of my consciousness, the tiny "gloop" of God's nectar flowing down from my sahasrara.

There is only NOW. I bring my awareness into now, into the still center place, and withdraw the outward flow of my senses.

I am already there, the Self is attained. I can accept my level of awareness about this in every moment, and choose to be that.

I do not believe in struggle, not anymore.

The only doing, is to remember... and to be. To acknowledge grace, and offer worship. To change the impressions left on my mind by maya, to the impressions on my consciousness of that divine inner state... turning inward, the slightest change, and everything changes.