Waves and waves

The waves of bliss, they bring me home. Nowhere to get to. Nowhere to go.

Nothing but this. Waves and waves of bliss.

Here we are. What can you see?

I just stopped

O my Lord... Narayana, Vasudeva... How I long for You

My sadhana has been turned on its head. Sadhana is doing... spiritual practices, austerities.

I am not focusing on doing anything.

"Is it enough to know that I am Yours, and You are mine?"

Yes.

I bring this phrase to mind, and it stops all movement, all "directing" of the stream of my life. I let God fill each moment. I let God ripple and eddy, slip past in the narrow current, bringing more God and more God...

My guru offers much for those who do, who need an action to focus on. She offers a theme for each day in June (today is Joyfulness). I am not pursuing these qualities. I am pursuing or rejecting very little.

You call, dear Krishna, and my heart takes flight

This is a little different from how I have perceived my beloved Lord Krishna's Karma Yoga (following dharma or duty while remaining unattached to the fruits of action). I am used to thinking of dharma as dictated by right action and obligation to others, i.e. family, society (and "caste").

Instead, I have found myself in this dharma of the now, which is how to love myself, give myself (at last) all this room to breathe, to be and to act as whomever or however I am – and simply want to act –
without editing or interruption... exactly so.

There is room in life for me to be how and who I am; room for error, room for missteps... as I learn to let each step find the way forward.

No amplifying or minimizing. No running after or running away from. No adding up more or lumping together less. 

Life offers in every moment a source of action that has its own logic. I can allow it without choosing or not choosing, acting or not acting. 

It just is.

Stop. I just stopped.

"Me...," I whisper. "Pick me..."

Inner stillness

Stillness... and delight

“When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” 

~ Eckhart Tolle

I am here God...
here am I...

"Perhaps... crying is just a way for my mind to become still again(?) For you see, stillness speaks only when the mind is really ready to listen."

~ Tara Lemieux, Elephant Journal

a  · f o r e s t  ·  of · f i r e f l i e s

Amma means mother

Okay, I am having a rough day. I am contracted, and only feel grace in little glimmers here and there.

I felt a subtle darshan when I came across this photo on "Amma" Sri Karunamayi's website.
  

"Amma" Sri Karunamayi

I still hear the effervescent "prana through akasha" nada sound continuously in both ears.

Thinking about it... for the last couple of days I no longer have the intense compulsion for my blog that I had before (continuously for months).

I can actually sit and look at my computer, and not reach out and grab it (laptop) and dive back in. I can just sit.

I think I almost burned up my ability to focus during months of intense burning of the rajasic compulsions through focusing on my blog.

And now that the compulsion finally seems to have stopped, I am feeling lost.

I was terrified that my ______ benefits had been discontinued. And like the old terror I faced as an adolescent, I wanted to hide. It was too terrifying, fear like molten lead. (I had to make myself go down there, of course not near as bad as I thought).

 "Amma" Mata Amritanandamayi, 
the "hugging saint"
(Wikimedia Commons)

This is all related. 

I finally created adulthood out of forcing myself to do things. Right now I am not doing that, or only when necessary, and it is very different from anything in my adulthood to live this way.

"This way" is waiting, ready to find and learn the new way, one that is integrated, not one of rough pushing of myself, not sacrificing of any tenderness, not pushing out of consciousness the costs of pushing down and out of consciousness. 

(Meanwhile, I'm on vacation).

My Guru, help me to sit with this place, to not be worried if I feel contracted. 

If I am burning this contracted place, help me to offer all of it to the sacred fire, and to seek the center of Shree Agni where my ego and karmas will be burned up. 

I focus with my consciousness, on the contractions as consciousness, as fuel for the fire, which is consciousness. (I love this dharana).

Aum namah shivaya.

PS I have finally accepted my body EXACTLY the way it is. This is HUGE, I tell you <laugh!>. I quit wearing that torture instrument called a bra, which never fits me right anyway. I was given a gift (guru's grace) in finding the most amazingly perfect spaghetti strap top, which I've decided to wear without a bra. I bought several. All of this is a metaphor for my overall spiritual growth right now, which is what this blog has been and is all about. Accept what is. Jettison delusion and whatever else is in the way. I'm alone. Etc.

Mauled by the malas

I've emerged into a very quiet, still place. Very quiet. Very still.

I can see in particular how karma mala has been chasing me like a hounded beast.

I've decided I'm finished with it. No more getting mauled by the malas. This means giving up one of my favorite obsessions: that "wasting time" is fun. That avoiding responsibility is the definition of happiness.

This is illusion and obsession. Compulsive activities drain me. I have been staying with them to burn them, I think. But now things are changing. The opportunity...

I had to think very hard for a few moments. Do I really want to proceed? I'll never be the same again. My life will never be the same.

The point of no return?

I feel like I'm saying goodbye to "human," and hello to "divine." For now it's a sobering choice (there will be bliss...)

Yes, I say to the guru. Let's proceed. I'll sit back a bit, waiting for the cue of how to proceed.

FOCUS:
I realize that the life of a sadhini takes focus. I can't really take a break from my practices (austerities, tapas... mantra, meditation, etc.). The yogic fire must be stoked and maintained.

I have to be careful of distractions. This wasn't such an issue until this point in my sadhana.

I tried to watch "The Walking Dead." How different it is now! I'm too sensitive for this raw emotion and action. I've never been that way before (I'm a physical and an emotional tomboy). I have decided to cancel the satellite TV. I don't watch TV more than once per week (except for Craig Ferguson, the delightful Scottish perv). Almost $80 a month for once a week? That's $20 a shot.

It's like my diet. It has just happened, since I was sick. Mostly rice, plain white jasmine rice, cooked on the stove with extra water to make it soft. A few other things. The diet of a sadhini, sattvic, light, simple. Plus, I haven't smoked since the beginning of February. And I am trying out being a vegetarian. I just can't digest the meat properly. And it has "bad energy" in it.

The world by campfire
shrinks down to an
intimate size

I've decided it is best to be somewhat "messy" right now. I don't have the "lined up" energy to keep things very clean. I guess I'm still on vacation (laugh!) I'll just hold the line at frightening. No worries.

INTENTION:
My intention is to continue maintaining my yogic fire through regular practices of "viewing (it) as consciousness," japa mantra, meditation, study of Sanatana Dharma online and in my books and scriptures, brahmacharya (celibacy), poverty, and the solitary life of a blissful sadhini. Also, I play the mantra almost all the time both on my laptop and in the bedroom.

Maintain the yogic fire... pranam and praises to Shree Agni.

Nada 4

The internal humming sound is possibly a...

• nada
• siddhi
• om
• subtle sound (subtle body)
• adhan, azaan, calls me to return at last to God
• pulls me back to God and my state when I wander off ~ NOTE: my state is where my sadhana happens, where I am closest to God and my Beloved
• challenges world of senses
• challenges magic of maya
• challenges my mind's order of things (mind keeps trying to make sense of it, can't)
• constant reminder

The humming sound sounds like one of these droning sounds (it changes):

• airplane (flying or landing)
• helicopter (warming up or in flight)
• leaf blower(s)
• generator
• chain saw
• chipper-shredder
• car on highway

Last night I asked myself what all these sounds have in common. One answer: Internal combustion engine. Strange.

Recently I realized the engine and tires sound of my parent's car was the first "hum" that lulled me into meditation (since birth).  I was five(?), and curled up in the heat on the gently vibrating floorboards of my parent's car as we traveled through the night to grandma & grandpa's house. (I sensed that mom had noticed, and gestured to dad, and that they smiled, an amazing moment and an amazing memory, so clear). *

I was thinking about this favorite memory when I was taking a bath. The gentle roar of the hot water as the tub filled around me reminded me again of that car-night-heat-vibration-meditation. And again, I felt completely safe, inward turning, outside of mind, time and place, assured of attainment and of God.

This morning I thought about that again, and wondered... that memory of profound meditation was also set to the sounds, vibrations and warmth of an internal combustion engine. The hum of the engine (and tire noise) was a droning sound that pulled me into the deep, center place.

Currently my hum sound is a leaf blower (nearby). This a sound that is not mystical or beautiful, ha ha. Which means if it is nada or a siddhi I won't get attached to or distracted by it as much as I would if it were the special tinkling nada, for example.

*The next year I didn't fit, driveline hump in the way. A huge loss.

Spa Shiva

Been doing God's work all these years. Holding up my life. Pheww doing God's work will make even a titan mega-tired.

Kept waiting hoping wishing praying Dear God, when will someone see I can't hold this up much longer and help me, save me, give me some relief, something real, none of this airy fairy crap everyone's all excited about.

It turns out God had my back all along (they tried to tell me in AA...). I finally let go, and realize he has been holding ALL this up!





Relax. Heal. Get ready to do something totally different, yet entirely the same.

Ahhhh.

Spa Shiva. Spa Jana. One and the same.

Nourished at last

Besides the decision to offer myself and my life to God... another big change in all of this growth is that I have lost my fear of being poor. I still have a healthy appraisal of being poor and how challenging it is. But the black fear in my gut that being poor will finally vanquish and destroy me is gone. This is huge!

This fear has gone hand in hand with the terror of being alone. No way to be connected to others, no way to support myself, hold my life up from destruction. These terrors have been constant in my life.

No wonder I feel so free now, with my two main (hideous) fears subsiding. Free at last to live a life that is about more than avoiding destruction and mental breakdown. No longer obsessed with finding someone to hold me up and provide shelter from life's demands. No longer feeling that I was being drained of my spirit year after year, with no way to replenish it.

I am living for God. My spirit is growing so quickly. I am being nourished by life, rather than depleted. I've been "on vacation" for months now (though it started as just one week ha ha). I've been recharging on the inside, with little emphasis on the outside. Soon I will be employed! But for now... 

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

PS  I suddenly have the opportunity to write all this down in my funny blog, which no one will likely ever read. That's fine. Just me and God (makes one). I'll have a job soon enough, and a lot less time for writing in my blog.

Done with AA

I'm done with AA. That's not supposed to happen. Others will not understand, and will criticize my choice.

I said to myself, I'm not going (to the meeting tonight). Immediately I felt the fire inside that answers my decision... yes, this is the right choice.

I said to myself, I'm not going on Monday night either. More fire.

My path is solitary. My old life is a distraction. Onward.

Paramashiva.

Shiva is my vacation

Paramashiva as tropical island bliss... ahh