Yearning

So much yearning, I cannot sleep, I sleep with no covers in January, I go out in a t-shirt and sandals in January. I am hot, hot with desire.

I long for you, my Beloved. This longing is all I possess, I carry it for You. The torch of my heart.

Let me be burnt up so I can be One with You.

Yearning...

My kin

My lover the world went to sleep in my arms. I woke up alone in the arms of it all. God, my kin.  ~Jnana Shiva

Sleepless

How? How can I learn how to sleep while I pray for my Beloved?

Pack your bags

When he steps off the balcony, when magic holds him up, that is You...

When he commands without touching, takes life without mercy, that is You...

The evil can only slip past me, your Many mightily arrayed as the One, the beggar, the king, the redemption of the evil One... it is all You.

I still hear always the bubbles rising, the prana rising through the akasha, sometimes a melodious tinkling... that is my nada.

I was almost asleep, and I realized for the first time in many months, the sound of the plane warming up on the tarmac was gone...(!) It was fading, but I never thought it would leave.

(Will you not take me, My Love? I am the place of your smile, the drift of your half-closed eyes... You flow to me as your embrace, the sacred Ganga Maa... dancing down through the Himalayas to the place of stillness, never forsaken, the beautiful one, Kashi... Veranasi... and Surya, the rising sun. Pranam...)

"With what?" I looked around, saw nothing I needed to carry, nothing that wasn't me.

I was almost awake, and then I heard in a woman's voice, clearly... (I thought someone was in my apartment).

She said: "Pack your bags."

Burning rajas and drivin' country

I have the most irritating, overall feeling of irritation! Not all the time, thank God, but a good amount of the time. 

For a couple of weeks I just thought it was my mouth pain.

Now I am realizing I am "burning" rajas.

Enlightenment exists beyond the three qualities of tamas (inertia), rajas (activity), and sattva (purity). Burning means to have something "on fire" within, an experience of whatever is being purified that is concentrated, amplified, and occurring at an extreme level of awareness. This is part of how the karmas are burned quick enough (through guru's grace) in order for a yogi to become free (realized) in one lifetime.

rajas [ruh-jus]: one of the three primal qualities (called gunas) — Described as the principle of activity; energy; passion; restlessness

So burning of the qualities is one type of spiritual purification on the way to complete freedom.

I feel all over like I do when I have way too much chocolate, caffeine, and sugar, and not enough sleep, times about ten or twenty. Ack! It is rough.

Sometimes I just wiggle and growl and shake, get it off me, get it out! I'm fairly used to constant purification, but this one is especially uncomfortable. I can't really remember ever purifying irritation and rajas.


In my experience, the shakti will make use of whatever is present in my consciousness for Her divine purification activities (which began with my shaktipat in 1999). So my current problems with insomnia and mouth pain become fuel for the fire of purification.


Sometimes, if the purification just gets to be too much, I will ask for a little break, which sometimes commences in that moment. I try to only do this if really necessary. I don't want to save up any purification. I am especially hopeful when it's hard to take, because I know the fire is hot and a lot is being burned away, leaving me free.

As in... I thought I was ________. Nope (...burning away...)

Om guru om.

Slow down... we're "drivin' country"

Meditation

Thousand Pillars Hall, Meenakshi Temple, Madurai, Tamil Nadu

My meditation yesterday and especially tonight seemed a wobbly balance (back and forth) between almost deep asleep, then pulling back into very deep meditation.

I guessed perhaps Ram joined me in meditation after I posted about him earlier (see below). Earlier today I sent him an email inquiring about signing up for his email course (with my site's URL in the email). I'm pretty damn sure he's a siddha.

I heard nada of various things, I remember a flute (Lord Krishna?)

I've been having some huge, expelling of energy blockages kriyas of jerking about and sometimes making mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH sounds(!), my whole body straining as though to expel a mass of energy with the sound. After the sounds, my throat and vocal folds feel stretched and expanded, full of shakti.

Before my meditation my mouth and gums hurt so bad. I thought, maybe meditation will help. During and after meditation I felt so much better, very little pain or discomfort at all. [This reminds me of the cloak of grace I felt around me as I arrived at the dentist's office to have three teeth extracted!] [PS Still very little pain the next day.]

I am filled with love. I am thrilled to be alive, and loving God, who is everything, and everything to me. 

Transformation

I tried to meditate earlier, couldn't focus. Immediately I had the crawl in bed under covers meditation (cocooning), so divine... eventually went to sleep.

I dreamed that I lived communally, next to a river (ashram?).

I looked down and there was this cute little water creature, with four tiny legs so it could (sort of) move about on land, but with a tail and body like a fish. It was transforming into a fish, and wasn't quite there.

Look what I found, I announced! Then I looked around. The little creatures were every where on the wet asphalt, like water had rushed through and deposited them up here on the land.

My kitty

I tossed mine back down. No sense making a pet out of something we'll be trying not to step on at every step.

Then I was moving downward, a little closer to the river. Suddenly I realized the "land" I was standing on was "flowing." It was like liquifaction of the land slowly flowing downward. And as I turned the corner, I could see that our whole piece of the mountainside had given way and was flowing down into the river.

With great amount of effort I was able to push backwards and eventually got up to where I could alert everyone. I ran to my cubby and tried to figure out what to take. Laptop, leave most else. Then as I was escaping with everyone.... WHERE IS POCO? I didn't have him in my arms. I could remember having him earlier.

Cats always represent the "helpless" child part of me, that I need to take care of or she gets lost or hurt. The laptop is what often distracts me from spiritual practices. Little half transformed creatures everywhere seems to say I am in mid-change to the new. And the new is a fish, and water represents where I die, as I cannot live there (without drowning).

So don't lose track of the tender and sweet child inside. Don't let laptop distract from what is most important. And, I and my world are partially transformed into the fish, and we're "pouring" into the water (river) of realization.

This is a very good dream.

I also dreamed that I worked at a bad company, someone got murdered.

Dreams about transformation... REALIZATION, which I have been praying for, and meditating on (looking at everything as one thing: God).

Clear

I am starting to feel really, really clear. Perhaps now that I have chosen God and only God, my burning and purification has hugely widened and deepened. Poof! Lots of the "ends" of stuff finally burnt away in a puff of sacred smoke.

I have very little fear, very little compulsion. Almost all of my delusion, my samskaras of fear and shame, have been burned away. This is all in the last few months!

For the last few nights, I have had a "new" experience, (I've had here and there in the past), of needing to "cocoon," which for me means curling up under the blankets in bed for a time. 

In the past, it was a sort of contraction, a way of shutting the world out for awhile until the pendulum swung towards outer life again. I would often spend most of the day in bed, and might have called in sick if I was supposed to be anywhere.

This is different. I feel really really sleepy, a kind of tired that isn't painful, more a call to sleep. Even though it happens around 9pm (what meridian is active then?), and I don't usually go to sleep until at least 4 or 5am, it has been such a strong urge that I have gone with it.

So, I choose to trust the impulse, and go with it. Normally I would never go to sleep then because my experience of waking up in the middle of the night after hours of sleep would be excruciatingly painful with cold fear so ascendant that I would curl up in a corner of my psyche for who knew how long.

And so I hurry through the apartment, taking meds and feeding the cat, turning out lights and such, all on a sudden bee-line for the bed. 

I feel some of the excitement I used to feel at the ashram when I would race down the stairs to the kriyaloka "noisy" meditation room (usually only one or two of us, me and the dedicated lion pranayama devotee, bless him wherever he is, love love).

I apply earplugs and sleep mask, and slip down into the bed, feeling my energy coming together in a unique way, every time. It's like a dhyana (deep meditation) feeling, physical, subtle body I guess. Turning within in a way that is intense, almost fierce.

My mind settles and I am meditating. But also falling asleep. I sleep for a few hours and get up.

Some serious purification going on here. And I am feeling so different. 

I can stop when using the computer. I can look up and I'm here. I don't have to limp back slowly from hiding-out land, having burned up all my shakti. My use of the computer is fun, and it's just what I do right now. It isn't addictive-compulsive. 

The obsession that is addiction is sliding out of my relationship with the computer... and for that matter, with cigarettes (only the vap now, missing cigarettes less and less). Coffee, food. Wow. Just today I feel this. Another amazing change.