Spiritual experiences

Nothing is ever new and permanent, and all the time. Except this: when I look within, there is no barrier or break between myself "inside" and "outside." It's a continuum.

The Flammerion Engraving (1888) 

So... What??

It seems like it's not much of a difference. But for me it is the difference between rattling around in my head, and feeling and dancing with the shakti: spiritual experiences, for me, are not about making progress towards having "them" in every moment as realization.

They are about now.

They don't mean anything, at least not to my mind, the mind that is always trying to figure everything out, including realization.

The swirl of love and light, mystery and passion, are now. They're just now. Experience them. Be changed by them. Be grateful and happy. Love the shakti, the guru. Everything is made of them. Because that is what happens when I tune into the shakti swirling in me, uplifting me. A divine purpose that is far, far beyond my mind.

Salt Lake City LDS Temple ~ I grew up in Salt Lake City Utah

I don't know what is happening(!) I don't do that. Look, I was raised a Mormon. Mormons are very thoughtful, and have a complete system of understanding and living in the world. Mormons continuously and somewhat suspiciously monitor their actions, thoughts and motivations. Mormons figure out everything. And everything is leading to something. God has big plans for my future. This is certain.

When I feel love and expansion fill me, I am hard put to keep my mind quiet, to stay with the feelings without thinking and drifting away. My busy mind!! I am lucky if I make it ten seconds! I don't want everyday feelings, I always thought. I want TRANSFORMATIONAL feelings that turn my life into something better. Always getting somewhere. Trying to hitch a ride to a new future on every spiritual experience.

No. Stop that. I am stopping. It has taken so many years of sadhana to see and challenge this thing. Why? Because it gets in the way.

The real deal is only now. It is so exquisite, playful, mysterious, delightful. This is what I have always wanted. This.

The Flammerion Engraving (1888) - color added

It all comes from the Guru

The Inner Presence of the Guru meditation at the Ashram

We were meditating on the Guru inside. Jnaneshwar wrote about this in the Jnaneshwari.

I focused, but couldn't see the Guru inside. Not helpful. I quit trying, I thought maybe the Guru was a place.

Immediately I could see the kriyaloka meditation room at the ashram. For the first time, I realized the deep feelings I had there had a quality of presence. And this presence was the Guru.

Like a velvet blanket of hushed awareness enveloping me from without and within, no difference, I dived so quickly to a deep place each evening after dinner, moving swiftly down the hallway and then running down the stairs to the smaller meditation room for ashramites with kriyas. There was usually the same two people there, me and a man I never spoke with, but smiled at a few times when passing.





I am experiencing that all of my spiritual experiences come from the Guru. Intimate. Purposeful. Drawing me to her inside. Inside. It is her always, all the time.

I know these insights seems obvious. Recently my spiritual life has been completely reordered. I have moved my mind out of the way, and I am relearning everything at a much deeper level.

I have had so many profound spiritual experiences, all of which I now look back on with a whole new understanding. Solid.

When I experience moments out of each day when the ashram is "reaching out" to me, uplifting me and my state... that is a spiritual experience.

My Guru unseen tapping on my shoulder playfully as I sat with visitors for lunch was a spiritual experience (she had mentioned she did this, which came up casually in our conversation; the look in their eyes at my immediately wide eyes and open jaw with such a quick intake of breath!)

The ashram welcoming me when I first arrived with an experience of seeing all of the ashram as a siddha sees it, as my Guru sees it as I wandered around, (phone booths were hysterically funny!!)

Those are all spiritual experiences. And they all come from the Guru, they are the Guru.

We are all one. Everyone is being affected by the Guru, the source, whatever each may call the will and presence of God. 

The Guru is universal. The Guru is the grace bestowing aspect of God.

.............................................................

*Part of my challenge (and confusion) has stemmed from the fact that I am both Mormon and a yogini with a Guru. Family is Mormon. Spiritual sangham is Mormon on the one hand, and Siddha Yoga on the other. I have kept these both separate for as long as I can. My siblings would be upset and judgmental, sure that I've been lured by the devil to a cult (can Kool-Aid be far behind?)

Now that both of my parents have passed on, I have relaxed a little bit. I'm not sure if they've come across my many projects online, and found this blog, for instance. We rarely communicate. I don't know what they know. I suspect I should get over this separation with siblings. But I do keep (my path in Hinduism) hidden from my Mormon church folks.

Follow the divine nada, the internal guide

I am learning so much right now.

I am so used to thinking that God is beyond all comprehension, that everything between us will always be bathed in mystery (while I'm alive).

Lord Shiva on the River Ganges at Rishikesh

And yet, when I worshiped God as Durga, She came to me as Durga.

A long time since I converted to Hinduism, "my" forms of God have finally become very real to me (Paramashiva... as... Shiva Shakti, Shiva Parvati, Krishna, Krishna Radha, and now Durga... and divine grace through my guru). I have grown to be very devoted, grateful, full of worship, glowing with divine love for Paramashiva, the Supreme Lord.

Now that I see how much this has helped me grow spiritually, I can truly see how hard it is for the mind to contemplate God without at least a lingam to represent the formless, or a beloved form to worship and love. 

And so it seems that God is very merciful, and comes to us in the right form(s) for us.

I am always very wary of anything that sounds like: "God is this, but not that." It's a fear of having a system of merit that distorts my life and freedom. 

Sounds like a reasonable fear for a person raised as a Mormon. 

I am not anti-Mormon. But I have never liked (even as a child) that the Mormon theology has almost everything figured out and explained. And yet... here I am all these years later, believing in another universal, all-inclusive system of explanation, part philosophical and part religious: Sanatana Dharma, The Eternal Way (Hinduism

Lord Shiva on the River Ganges at Rishikesh

It seems there is a system, of sorts, for how to understand and implement the process of realization. God gave me the most precious gift of a shaktipat guru. And now God is sending me a constant stream of at least three major kinds of nada (divine sounds), saying: "This way, My Beloved.... to me."

Oh... <swoon>

(Or maybe it's my guru. "This way, grasshopper...")

So then, when when I think to look, I immediately find several sources on the internet about the nada sound(s) and what it means, what to do if it's happening to you, or how to get it to happen to you if it's not (nada as an inner guide during meditation).

And the thing is... THEY DESCRIBED THE SOUND I WAS HEARING.

What are the chances of that? It wasn't so much, "oh, that's what this sound is...," as it was, "Yeah! That's it all right..."

It seems there are plenty of other people having similar experiences to my own. But for the process to be describe pretty much exactly, it's like there's a formula involved... It seems too limited to be REAL.

Lord Shiva on the River Ganges at Rishikesh

I have trained myself to doubt everything, and especially so if it has been laid out exactly, concretely, like Mormonism. I have developed a very strong ability to proceed on hypothesis without ever fully believing in anything. 

I went to college for six plus years, and was trained as a social scientist, which I loved.

I don't know, my mind just can't quite wrap around this yet. Close.

I think this is a mala burning. Really, everything is ONE being, who enjoys forgetting who He is and then revels in the bliss of remembering and returning to Himself. Of course some of that would be the same for "everyone."

Hmmmmmmm....

~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~

The Three Devis: Lakshmi, Durga and Saraswati 

My name is Jnana, which means "to know" in Sanskrit. I developed a "healthy" skepticism to extricate myself from the black and white "knowing" of Mormonism. By my teen years, I had cultivated this natural contempt for anyone who thought they have a handle on the truth, who thought they knew, better than me, about me... and what I should believe or do. 

But somehow ... I get to have a religion, I get to "know" again. It's exhilarating! 

I truly am Hindu (though I am also more, as I imagine many Hindus are...). And I have a full, robust relationship with God... full, robust belief... and a balanced skepticism.

The emanating consciousness of Shiva

"The healthy mind challenges its own assumptions." ~ The I Ching

"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out, which is the exact opposite." ~ Bertrand Russell

"I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for the truth; and truth rewarded me." ~ Simone de Beauvoir"

Darshan

Lord Shiva and His beloved Parvati
(I love her sweet little feminine
snake jewelry)

I am beginning to suspect that my experiences of delicious darshan are more common than I thought.

When I meet people who are grooving on the spirit, who are simply happy, who like to share a moment with whomever they meet during their day, I think such people are having darshan. They just call it something else.

My ego wanting to compare myself to others in order to rate my attainment is ironically most likely the source of this realization. This experience of darshan feels very special because it is. God (as atma, small self) enjoys darshan of the divine in many forms. Not just that fleeting, wind in the treetops, just out of reach kind.

But there are a lot of times I have heard about people feeling that the purpose of life is a mysterious power that they can almost touch, but not quite. [I have since learned that this is anava mala].

Perhaps this is all a lot of different ways that God experiences longing to remember who He is, and how to return to Himself.

(Or maybe it is hard to describe past a certain point to people who aren't aware of realization yet? Unless you're a teacher or guru.)

I have thought of realization as a path you are either on, or not on. Any time not on the path takes away from becoming realized. A very Mormon, check marks on the right tablet (somewhere) kind of idea.

My Beloved Lord Paramashiva

Really, I think we're all on the path to realization. Perhaps some reach it without even knowing that's where they're headed. God can experience it very many ways.

I love my way! God and I are just enough "apart" to rub shoulders and purrrrrrrr. We are so in love!! 

My Paramashiva, my Shiva I love You, we are the most royal of royalty, the highest high court of lovers.

Because You are my Shiva... I am Your Parvati. Forever.

Be mine, my Beloved. I am coming to You in your sweetest dream of me.

Ah, this intoxication makes me swoon with my love for You...

Darshan

When I look through the images on my blog, I have darshan, I am filled with bliss, with God's love.

When I read about Shiva, Shaivism, and the yearning for God I have darshan.

This is a way to support my state, my experience and attainment. It is, literally, to follow my bliss.

Lucky me, I am feeling like a complete beginner at intimacy with God. Besides the obvious challenges... I think I have worshiped and loved the idea of God.

Now, when I think of God, and feel His bliss and love enclose me, I am in direct relationship with Him. "Hello," I can say, for He lives in my being, and I live in His. It is a very different kind of intimacy.

It's like, I knocked at Heavenly Father's door as a child, and he received me immediately in his "parlor," a place he made to receive my yearning and prayer. A place about me, but not really about Him.*

But now, God is my place. I open to Him as reality, and know Him, in his "mind," where I am made and exist. No door to knock on, unless I put it there.**

God, I am learning how to speak to You with my heart. I wobble. If I am flippant, it feels disrespectful. I say thank you A LOT. Everytime the bliss bubbles back up when I seek you, I say thank you.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

*An important aspect of Mormonism is the belief that God has a physical body. If he were here, he would either have to veil himself, or he would be visible. The spirit which touches inside to communicate God's message and convey his blessings is a spirit who does not have a body (as God and Jesus do). In Mormonism, all can become divine, and eventually become God, an advanced spiritual belief. But it is dualistic in that evil arose and has been championed by Lucifer, and all must choose. Evil that does not come from God, but rather from freedom of choice, another advanced spiritual belief. To choose against God and goodness is evil.

**In a previous post I noted that I didn't think of my soul as something that changes. Now I am in a Hindu context, where my soul-being is purified and merges with God. In Mormonism, the "changes" to be made are in the tally sheet (which exists somewhere outside of me) of whether I am worthy of heaven. In Mormonism, the content of my relationship with God changes, and the feeling of closeness which would be cultivated change, but these are qualities of the "now" which would come and go. In Hinduism, closeness is an aspect of my being which is both cultivated and given through grace. It changes when I change, and I change when it changes. Perhaps Mormonism is this way too, and I just didn't get it. I just know that, for me, feeling "closer" to Shiva is very different from the feeling of "closer" to Jesus and to Heavenly Father.

Shiva, Paramashiva, Krishna, Vishnu, Lakshmi, Ram, Kali Durga, Ganesha, Buddha, Quan Yin, Jesus, Heavenly Father... My Beloved

It seems so obvious now. But Vishnu and Paramashiva are the same. And Krishna is an incarnation of Vishnu (and Shiva of Paramashiva). I was so confused about these three, which came from the impurity of my mind. 

I couldn't reconcile these concepts. They couldn't all be experienced at the same time, which was difficult when reading the Gita, or deciding whether to pray to Shiva or Krishna, and thinking they were different. 

Blissful chanting of the Vishnu Sahasranam brought darshan with Krishna? Vishnu? Paramashiva??

And what about the grove, the boy Joseph, the two personages?

There was a point where I finally found inside the experience that all of the forms of God are Paramashiva. The divisions between religions and deities have finally melted away. Everywhere I look I recognize, love and worship my Beloved. 

Even in the grove. It was all Paramashiva. No more or less true because of it.

When I read the Gita, I am reading the words of the Vedantic Vishnu as Krishna, and his teachings regarding Brahman. The commentary is that of the Shaivist Saint, Jnaneshwar. 

Mischief! I slip past the beloved Vedantic and Shaivist Gods for the One in my heart.

The ultimate God I call Paramashiva. And there is nothing but Paramashiva, and nothing that is not. 

Paramashiva is my Beloved. Shiva is my Beloved. Vishnu is my Beloved. Krishna is my Beloved. The Supreme Guru is my Beloved.

Lakshmi, Ram, Kali-Durga, Ganesha... Buddha, Quan Yin... Jesus, Heavenly Father... a few of the many thousand names of my Beloved.

God is my Beloved.

Practical (Tactical)

I have been supremely practical. I have worshiped the God of all that is concrete and permanent.

An artist must go on faith. or not at all. There is no obvious correlation between what arises from the singular inner space of an artistic life and what makes possible self-sufficiency and financial success in the world.

Artists must have faith. If they follow their vision, but have limited faith, they must at least have hope that they will somehow manage to live a sustainable life.

I hear an artist say that she knew the "9 to 5" life was not for her, and that she was following something inside that she felt would sustain her and show her how to live in the world.

It is a belief in something which is quite the opposite of practical.

For me, practical was a bargain, a tactic. I'll give up everything except what is practical in return for having my life healed from being broken and lost. I will lower my expectation by almost all in return for getting something, anything... better than the complete destruction I felt had occurred, and which I felt certain would lead to isolation and madness.

Outside

Adulthood has always been bargaining. Tell me what I'm supposed to be doing, and I will try to do it, and then I'll get ________.

The ultimate dualism. Mormonism.

The question that has ruled all other questions: What am I supposed to be doing about this? What is the right choice? "THE RIGHT CHOICE EXISTS OUTSIDE OF ME."

Now I avoid this dualism. I weigh the options. There is not necessarily one correct choice. Choosing can be made with a light step and deliciously savored fun. God loves to party.

I choose how to act. Decision and consequence are all part of the divine play which comes from God's consciousness. It is harmful to my growth as a soul to choose evil and lack of responsibility. It is also a source of pain to try to claim authorship of consequence (karma). I CHOOSE action, then observe action and consequence. I seek to let go of attachment (to the "fruits" of my action). 

I choose based on rising above the three gunas: rajas, tamas and sattva. I don't run around in rajistic pursuit of whatever. I simply choose, and act. I don't hide out in tamas, or seek the fruits of sattva.

If I do not seek the fruits of my actions, I offer my actions to God as dharma, duty. An offering is purifying. Grasping, pulling, pushing and reaching are outside of dharma, and create the spiritual debt. More burning. Ack.

It all comes down to how much of every minute I can spend in consciousness of my Beloved, who is closer than close.