Magic

My sadhana has become very subtle, outside of my mind, beyond words. I live for my Beloved, who is all the forms of God and the Guru, all that is.

My Beloved, you hide in plain sight as everything, you love me as whomever you find in my heart. You draw me away from attachment to the world of the senses, to the place beyond, the place of magic I have longed for all my life.

Come, I will bring you across...
to me, to my world of magic,
for I created all of this,
I am all of this,
I am all that is inside
I am love
I am love
I am you

Melt away

"The most loving thing you will ever do for yourself in your entire life is to saturate your own heart. Bathe your heart in your own attention until all of the walls in your heart melt away, and the brilliance and the beauty and the joy that is your own essence rises up and expresses itself in the form of your life."--Swami Chetanananda

Photo: The Movement Center Swami Chetananda

Promise of a new world.

The world of the senses has run me ragged. The weariness tore me away.

One day, not so long ago, the world and I began to move at a different speed. Still close, right here. But I'm not very interested.

I've slowed, floating on an inner current, flowing, going nowhere.

Sinking, the gurgling sounds just above me, the sunlight a vector, an unchanging stillness, a direction becomes dance, the promise of a new world.

The oldest, essential, purpose, preserved... in the deep, dark, depths of my heart.

The One who slept

Look! Wow!!

(A gentle hand). Be still. Smile. Find wholeness within.

Oh! Oh no! 

(A reassuring touch). Be still. Smile. Find contentment within. 


God is at play here.

The entirety of God is here. I find it inside. Always here for me.

At last I can catch myself at the start of the surge toward or away from. Soon after an instant in which I have travelled so far, and not at all.

My dharana: I look around with a new awareness, strengthened each day with practice.

There is only One here. 

My dharana: All of this, including me, is One. How peaceful it is to have no other. Endless, perfect solitude. This unity consciousness surges through me as great bliss.

How my Lord loves to be found, observed and known with the awakening gaze of one who has slept.

I awaken in Your arms.

How my Lord loves to be found, observed and known with the awakening gaze of one who has slept  

Become that

What about today? Now?

Yesterday I felt this immense experience and manifestation of grace. Yesterday.

How can I keep that going? How can I hold onto it, build on it, and not let it slip away? asks my mind. Am I losing what is precious, and missing a precious opportunity to have what I most want in this life? There will be devastating regret. So says my mind's mighty "fear of regret" samskara.

Thinking I have to build on grace is an attempt to add to what is divine and unlimited. No.

(Thinking of) yesterday happens only in my mind. Why hang out in my mind when all that I most want is already attained??

Lord Krishna looks on as Arjuna kneels to receive the
precious gift of bow and arrows from Lord Shiva

I help my mind. A dharana.

What about today? Now? What is the sadhana of my heart, where there is no "here" or "there," no limitations, outside of time?

Start here: Offering the fruits to Krishna is the beautiful pranam of my soul. He is always there with a playful, gentle surge of love. Play, he says. When Krishna shakes his curls, the play of the world surges with universal longing.

There is a most precious gift of grace in this moment. Become that.

The nectar of that nearness

When that time will come? I want to ask You, when that day will come for me, when that day will appear, when I will leave all other things, all of the other activities of the world, and be focused only to that point, i.e., just to embrace You and taste the nectar of that nearness of that devotion, love? When that day will come for me? Tell me.

~Swami Lakshamanjoo commentary, Utpaladeva's Shivastotravali, Chapter Nine

A visit from my guru

Steady.

Tonight I was working on my aquarium, arranging my new plants. I was bent over the top of my tall tank, rearranging the wood. My left arm was up as I grabbed the wood. It was a little precarious.

There. At my left side. A gentle touch, steadying me. A soft touch, with pressure that radiated gently. It lasted for several seconds.

"Who is here?" I asked aloud. I could feel someone's presence. "Is it you?" She has visited me before.

The slight pressure was gone, but there was still the feeling, the shakti of this touch. It lasted for an hour or so. It was on my side under my arm, even with my heart.

Steady. Be steady.

Like the touch that breaks the egg, the symbol of the ego, this touch changed my subtle body, releasing a layer of constriction and impurities.

Direction from the guru is priceless. I have learned about confidence. Now I will work with being steady, and I will learn about taking the guru's direction through steadiness.

Everything for me is about freedom. Freedom from wanting and avoiding, freedom from satisfaction and lack. To see with the eyes of worship and love every molecule, in every place, as every movement... Shiva sporting as Shakti, as all, as me.
  
That is all that there is.

Grace wakes me up

I am permeable. My habitual boundaries of self, the age old boundaries of my heart are softening. I can relax what I thought to be rigid in my nature. Consciousness, love and bliss flows into and through me like water.

Float on grace.

Grace keeps touching me, gently refocusing my attention, waking me up.

My dharana is larger than my mind. I am essential, with no qualities or dualities, seeing my limited consciousness from the outside, watching the play of seeing and moving without moving or being seen.

The bliss gushes up each time.

I want to live entirely in that higher consciousness.

Awakening me

So recent, I remember.

Shakti and bliss would start in me. And I sprang into action!

What does it mean? How can I keep it? How can I increase it?

How should I think about it to control it, make it larger, keep it from going away?

What should I be doing? What if I don't do it right and I lose it??

Recently.

Now the shakti and bliss comes, and I breathe deeply. I open myself to whatever will happen.

Thank you for this shakti and bliss. 

Perhaps it is my Guru sending me shakti, awakening me.

Be awake. Be alive. Be now. Become more transparent with every breath. Feel your heart open.

And I breathe deeply.

Sally Kempton on political upheaval

Photo abhayayoga.gr/newsletters

"For me, this has been one of the most powerful experiences of the last few weeks: realizing that in the midst of the [political] upheaval, there is a current of Shakti that seems to be directing our attention into the heart."

~ Sally Kempton, Awakened Heart Newsletter 7 Dec 2016

Sign up for Sally's mailing list on her website: sallykempton.com

SALLY KEMPTON "Awakened Heart" Newsletter

Dec 7 2016 (excerpt)

"How do we hold onto our recognition of oneness, of interconnectivity, while acting skillfully on behalf of our values? How do we keep our hearts open and intact? 

There is extraordinary energy available now for spiritual practice and transformation.

For me, this has been one of the most powerful experiences of the last few weeks: realizing that in the midst of the [political] upheaval, there is a current of Shakti that seems to be directing our attention into the heart. 

When we follow the direction of that current, rather than letting ourselves be derailed by emotions, we recognize that we are being asked to get deeply centered. Then, any action we take comes from the very center of our own deep wisdom."

Sally Kempton's Amazon page

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Going large with Shree Kundalini

Om Namah Shivaya

There is nowhere to get to, only now. I chant forever, for what is established.

My mind feels betrayed. There's a jerking sensation. How can we be there already? I've got plans. And this is boring and stupid, by the way.

I am firm, yet gentle with my mind. Discipline feels good, and we soon settle down.

I chant and listen to the mantra hour after hour to soften my heart, to express and worship the forever divine, to be transformed. What could be better? (It's even easy! That's from her grace).

That One. Soham. I am that.

My ego dissolving dharana: Eyes open or closed, I concentrate on the light all around me, dancing completely free, frustrating my mind's obsession with engaging multiplicity. I remember how attempts to join with and direct this play of time and place is always fruitless, and worse than unkind. And I let go. Freedom. Freedom, bliss, and a profound contentment is where I go when multiplicity ends.

PS LOTS of things are freakin' HILARIOUS when multiplicity takes a hike. Like Shiva taking shape as an elaborate device and his communications called a "telephone." Ha ha, like Shiva needs help to talk to parts of himself. 

This is not intellectual. It's laughing while swooshing large with Shree Kundalini... amazing fun!! 

Going through with it

I choose in the moment. I have learned how to get out of the way.

What I find in the moment is completely new, beyond any previous understanding.

I am led. I choose to be led, to follow, to allow. I choose this over and over.

I choose to trust.

I choose to believe.

I turn away from my cherished and elaborate story, changing direction inside. I part with what has come before in this and many other lifetimes of story. I choose this release over and over, sometimes with joy, sometimes with sadness.

Swaha.

I choose to offer to the sacrificial fire the things I desire, the things I avoid, the unbreakable bonds now falling away... and I am intoxicated again and again by a freedom that promises ever more freedom.

For the first time, more of me than not is committed to that which is most supreme, and available to me in any moment, because of her grace.

An unstruck sound; can you hear it?

I am all in a row, realigned. I am going through with it.

My melting heart

My heart has been melting...

I thought of someone I had hurt badly when I was 19 years old. I had felt numb about it all these years, just not caring one way or another, although I knew intellectually I had done something so hurtful.

I tried to find him once in the past, but was unsuccessful.

And this time, when I thought of him, I felt my love for him. I still love him. This was a revelation.

I kept thinking of him. Thoughts of him would break through whatever had my attention, and I felt my caring for him.

Finally I tried again to find him. I found him in a few steps with an online search service. Wow.

Should I contact him? This will be worse than fruitless if I hurt him again. Contacting him is a big responsibility. Can we be friends, if he will talk to me? I will not hurt him again.

Karma. We still have karma.

I kept thinking of him, my feelings breaking through whatever I was focusing on. It felt urgent.

It started to be intense. Overwhelming feelings about him.

Then, I physically felt someone (my guru?) behind me in my desk chair, leaning over me, hugging me so that I felt their presence partly inside of me, a strong energy.

(The guru is outside. The guru in inside).

This is urgent. Don't wait.

Okay.

I sent him a letter. He called me. I called him back.

I think he is alone. He still has an alcohol problem, and I'm guessing also meth. He has cancer, and has been having chemo. They give him six months.

He has a son he recently reconciled with. He is living in his parent's home with his aging mother.

He talked my ear off at breakneck speed. Meth? Fear?

I'm committed. Whatever that means, for me. To be there for him. To be the contact for my Guru's shakti. A priceless gift.

Yes. I will not bear him, hold him up. My Guru's shakti will go from me into him. I am the conduit. What a delight.

UPDATE: I spoke with him again. He has a crushed hip from a bicycle accident, and must use crushes. We traded war stories, and discussed unfinished arguments. It feels we have taken up (with our karmas) right where we left off in 1978. 

UPDATE: Happy conversations. Karmas complete. So many *samskaras have melted away. As always, my Guru sets me free.

______

*Samskara (Hinduism, especially Karmic theory): the mental impression, recollection, and psychological imprint left by beliefs, intentions, and actions."

Diamonds are forever

Shiva Parvati
I think I see Kama's love arrows

I was humming a tune I don't remember ever paying much attention to. I laughed, as I realized I was singing about trading up from the disappointing charades of the world for that which is permanent, most precious, luminous, and which will linger forever.

My Beloved will never leave in the night. He will never desert me. Nothing will hide in His transparent heart to hurt me. He never lies. My lover lingers.

He is forever.

“As the earth dies your spirit will bloom; as the world fades your soul will rise and glisten. Amongst the dehydrated crevices of a desert earth you will stumble upon your diamonds; in between the dry skulls and cracked bones you will find your sapphires.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Diamonds Are Forever by Shirley Bassey

Diamonds are forever, they are all I need to please me

They can stimulate and tease me

They won't leave in the night

I've no fear that they might desert me

Diamonds are forever, hold one up and then caress it
Touch it, stroke it and undress it
I can see ev'ry part, nothing hides in the heart to hurt me

I don't need love, for what good will love do me?

Diamonds never lie to me

For when love's gone, they'll lustre on

Diamonds are forever, sparkling round my little finger
Unlike men, the diamonds linger
Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for

I don't need love, for what good will love do me?
Diamonds never lie to me
For when love's gone, they'll lustre on

Diamonds are forever, forever, forever

Theme from the James Bond film 

"Diamonds are Forever"

The One's design

Aramaic writing

There are things that are a pleasure for my self as Self. My heart glows, my chakras warm and glow. The memories in my subtle body are awakened.

My sadhana includes moments of recognition of the Self, remembering places and times, all of which I can revisit as I recognize them in art, writings, and places.

This form of pleasure is one part of the One's design.

Basalt funeral stele bearing an Aramaic inscription, c. seventh century BC. Found in Neirab or Tell Afis (in present-day Syria). It is currently located at the Louvre Museum in Paris, France. H. 93 cm (36 ½ in.), W. 34 cm (13 ¼ in.), D. 14 cm (5 ½ in.). (Originally uploaded by Jastrow in 2011. This work has been released into the public domain by its author. This applies worldwide.)

A new compassion

"Being one with everything is called Great Compassion."

~Venerable Master Bhikshu Heng Tso

I have a new, immediate and deep feeling of compassion for people who are suffering. There were layers over my heart that have slipped away.

I pray for those who have lost so much.

I also recommend donating to the Red Cross if you can. The Red Cross is the largest relief agency in the world. They help earthquake and flood victims, refugees from violence in North Africa, as well as those in many other places who need to somehow find home and safety again.

One of many asylum seekers that brave the perilous trip across the Mediterranean,
his face full of determination and a desperate humanity

Amatrice Italy (earthquake)

Flooding in Louisiana August 2016

Treasures in my heart for You

"He who perceives Me everywhere and beholds everything in Me 
never loses sight of Me, nor do I ever lose sight of him." 
Lord Krishna—The Bhagavad Gita VI:30

The Guru within is everything I desire, that which I have sought all my life. And we are becoming One! We are each other's destiny. 

The Guru is here, has been here all along. My own self, everything. Everyone kept saying, but now I know.

You can't make this stuff up.

I am blessed beyond every blessing. 

I worship You with every moment of worship I have ever felt or offered over lifetimes, stored as treasures in my heart for You. 

Tulsidas says

If I focus on things in my mind that are convoluted and unhappy, this applying my consciousness to them dissolves them, and I lose the desire to follow them about. They are empty for me. Chasing but never having. Seeking pleasure, but always in pain.

All around me is such beautiful light. It tells a story, but I am never in the story, even when I think I am.

My guru... Only because of your grace.

Tulsidas with Lord Rama, Lakshmana and Hanuman

Tulsidas is a beloved poet saint who lived in India in the early 16th century CE. He was a great devotee of Lord Rama.

Tulsidas says:

Until now, I have frittered my life away, but no longer will it be so.
By the grace of Lord Rama the night of worldly ignorance has passed.
I have awoken and will no longer sleep in darkness.

I have been given the name of my Lord,
the wish-fulfilling gem that will forever abide in my heart.
By meditating on and remembering beautiful, dark-colored Rama,
my mind will be refined into the purest form of gold.

Knowing I was controlled by them, my senses once teased and tempted me.
Now that I have acquired self-control, they tempt me no more.
Tulsidas says: "My mind has vowed to resolve its fickle nature and become immersed in the lotus feet of Rama forever."

Can you feel the love of home?

That magical feeling, of floating over the last hill before home.

The place that I love best, near or far, goes with me everywhere, here in my heart.

My home is always here... watching myself roam. 

Can you feel the love of home?

Returning

I stopped along the wayside of my sadhana, and found that I was making the decision again of whether to stop living for the world of the senses, and live now for the reality in my heart, that I am returning, I am at the end of my long journey. Lifetimes...

I am contemplating this decision.

With a bittersweet feeling of coming around that last bend and finding that path straight to home, no wandering, standing there, a contemplation is needed, a need for all of me to be as one as I step onto this road.

An elegant, soulful decision.