Inner stillness

Stillness... and delight

“When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” 

~ Eckhart Tolle

I am here God...
here am I...

"Perhaps... crying is just a way for my mind to become still again(?) For you see, stillness speaks only when the mind is really ready to listen."

~ Tara Lemieux, Elephant Journal

a  · f o r e s t  ·  of · f i r e f l i e s

Anava mala

ānavamala ~ I am less than (the) whole. I am without some things. There is always something missing. I cannot be happy until ______________.


OBSESSIONS that ruled my life:

• I will achieve success being with people. I will be with other people; we will share the same world (starting with not being Dorothy, do not be alone, never give up). "I choose to wait until I learn how to be with others..."
• I will achieve success in the world, and be recognized as having special knowledge. I will master (many) arts and skills (skiing, counseling, network administration). "I choose to wait until I am educated to pursue a profession (adulthood)." "I will constantly (try to) create intimacy with others by educating them on what I have learned about __________."
• I will achieve beauty, grace and individuality physically. I will become thin again and express myself through clothes, hair, etc. (being fat precludes individuality). "I choose to wait until I am thin again..."

I recently addressed these obsessions all within a few weeks of each other. My life has been completely transformed. The shakti of my guru has pushed past these rejected limitations, and expanded my life with the knowledge and experience of God. Jaya sadguru.

NOW:

• I have given up on being with other people. I am alone. Period. I only visit others in their world, no one visits me in mine. My world is atma-guru-paramashiva as one. 
• I will never achieve success in the world. I have never mastered anything, except seeking and knowing God. This is now my entire focus.
• I am not waiting until this body is thin to live this life. If I become thin again, I'll know the comfort with my clothes, the flexibility and focus of yoga, and the delight of running will again be mine. Until then... 'I DON'T CARE." At least, most of the time (a huge improvement).

 I love being alone (...with God) 

Still on vacation

I cannot die, I do not fear destruction. Do I fear suffering? Physical suffering, yes, as long as I am bound to this body. But I am no longer plagued by fear, run or ruled by fear.

Before, everything was organized around fear, and avoiding fear. That was before the karmas got burnt up! In the center of the fire, my purification has been INTENSE.

Now. I am a self of cinders, soaked in fearlessness, a divine crème brûlée.

I am relaxed. I am at home wherever this body happens to be. There is nothing to do, find, get or return to. I watch as my day unfolds, as I perform my dharma.

Where am I supposed to be now? What am I supposed to do today? What exquisitely simple questions. Even a child knows the answer, or is learning the answer. I choose the answer. It happens. I am profoundly free.

On the other hand, I look around at my messy apartment. Woah, this is quite a mess! For a second I spin out. Surely a godly person cannot live with this mess(?)

And yet... Would it be better if it was cleaned up? Yes. Would it be easier to attain "godliness" if it were clean? Yes. Will it be cleaned up eventually? Yes. Then why not clean it, jump on it, wrestle it to the ground and pin it down now? Because inside I can feel, since all has changed, that it is not right to force myself to clean... (wait for it...)

Forcing myself to do things has been how this funny, sad, foolish little me has adapted to a life that gave little and demanded all. It was based on trading inner resources, including hope and happiness, and including pledging these as future resources, for the sorry-assed return of "avoiding disaster" in the now of my life. It kept me from going under, but it was an unsustainable strategy.

It has been a means of living that "believes in suffering," that accepts and chooses suffering as necessary.

I no longer believe in suffering. I see immediately that there is certainly no shakti in forcing myself to do anything. So I hang back. I am on vacation, I say (as the months go by). After being burnt by karma, slicked clean by circumstance for ten plus years (before, during and after living at the ashram), I am laying by the side of the road. The old me is dying, or dead. The almost fifty five year old little me, the one that believed in suffering.

The fact that I am the only one that knows this is a profound example of how alone I am in this life. (Alone with God, that is. What could be better? Nothing at all).

But wait... Meanwhile the new me is waiting, building up the new currency minted for a land without suffering, sweetly treasuring my coin cup, my beggar's bowl each day full of a little more consciousness, a little more light...... waiting for the right moment to stand up, take up my bed, and walk.

It isn't quite time. But I am getting much closer.

For now, I am enjoying my retreat. I feel myself healing. Ahh. I am saturated with the Love and Delight of My Beloved. Our feast of bliss is greater than all the known worlds.

For now... I am on vacation.

Nada: My ship came in

My ship came in, but it was a plane. I heard it coming in, over and over and over. A divine nada as the sound of a small plane landing overhead.

Now the plane awaits. We are ready for departure. A divine nada as the sound of a small plane warming up on the tarmac. It's been warming up for days.

But it isn't time to go anywhere yet. I'm right where I'm supposed to be. My intense purification is compatible with remaining on "retreat." I do what I want without pressure from without or within. If I can put it off, I do. I'm on vacation.

Jnanaloka

"So I finally decided to just give up
on ever having a life at all..."

I have always been so different. Unable to develop more than the most basic of social connections.

It's like a whole part of me never grew.

Well, now I think that's brilliant! Now I am a sadhini, without a whole bunch of ego, karma and habits of action and perception that I would have had if I were a "well-rounded" human this time around.

I am so lucky! I took the step needed, turning at last from the world and the illusions of participation that I chased all my years, and as this obsession finally fell away, my true path suddenly appeared. This one step as I turned became twenty, or one hundred. An instant transformation to where I am now, borne on my Guru's grace to a lofty height, now my world, jnanaloka. God, bliss, God, My Beloved is everything and everywhere.

My Guru, You accepted me as your devotee, and brought me through all to this place. Without your grace, I could not find God in this body, in this moment, in this lifetime.

Thank You Thank You Gurudeva, my Guru, Guruji. Your grace is that of the Supreme Guru, Lord Paramashiva. 

Om Guru Om.

I love you.

Nada 4

The internal humming sound is possibly a...

• nada
• siddhi
• om
• subtle sound (subtle body)
• adhan, azaan, calls me to return at last to God
• pulls me back to God and my state when I wander off ~ NOTE: my state is where my sadhana happens, where I am closest to God and my Beloved
• challenges world of senses
• challenges magic of maya
• challenges my mind's order of things (mind keeps trying to make sense of it, can't)
• constant reminder

The humming sound sounds like one of these droning sounds (it changes):

• airplane (flying or landing)
• helicopter (warming up or in flight)
• leaf blower(s)
• generator
• chain saw
• chipper-shredder
• car on highway

Last night I asked myself what all these sounds have in common. One answer: Internal combustion engine. Strange.

Recently I realized the engine and tires sound of my parent's car was the first "hum" that lulled me into meditation (since birth).  I was five(?), and curled up in the heat on the gently vibrating floorboards of my parent's car as we traveled through the night to grandma & grandpa's house. (I sensed that mom had noticed, and gestured to dad, and that they smiled, an amazing moment and an amazing memory, so clear). *

I was thinking about this favorite memory when I was taking a bath. The gentle roar of the hot water as the tub filled around me reminded me again of that car-night-heat-vibration-meditation. And again, I felt completely safe, inward turning, outside of mind, time and place, assured of attainment and of God.

This morning I thought about that again, and wondered... that memory of profound meditation was also set to the sounds, vibrations and warmth of an internal combustion engine. The hum of the engine (and tire noise) was a droning sound that pulled me into the deep, center place.

Currently my hum sound is a leaf blower (nearby). This a sound that is not mystical or beautiful, ha ha. Which means if it is nada or a siddhi I won't get attached to or distracted by it as much as I would if it were the special tinkling nada, for example.

*The next year I didn't fit, driveline hump in the way. A huge loss.

Spa Shiva

Been doing God's work all these years. Holding up my life. Pheww doing God's work will make even a titan mega-tired.

Kept waiting hoping wishing praying Dear God, when will someone see I can't hold this up much longer and help me, save me, give me some relief, something real, none of this airy fairy crap everyone's all excited about.

It turns out God had my back all along (they tried to tell me in AA...). I finally let go, and realize he has been holding ALL this up!





Relax. Heal. Get ready to do something totally different, yet entirely the same.

Ahhhh.

Spa Shiva. Spa Jana. One and the same.

More Discrimination ~ My Spiritual Path is not sangham

Discrimination is seeing what is good for me, and bad for me.

Discrimination is seeing which good things are good for me, and which ones are not. I must know and adhere to my own path. Finding my path is now essential to my spiritual unfolding. I need only look. It is here.

Discrimination is understanding that the spiritual path is now the entire purpose and focus of my life. Everything else is second to it. My heart's desire. The highest and most exquisite gift. All is well.

Lord Shiva's divine love and compassion
as he saves the universe from a
deadly poison by drinking it

Discrimination is knowing that my path is not one of study. I do not need to master the texts of my lineage, either in Kashmir Shaivism, or Karma Kagyu Buddhism. I am a jnana sadhini. For me, the path of knowledge is that of direct knowledge, which is divine understanding and union, (as opposed to study, which I also partake of). Discrimination springs from my direct contact with the divine. I merge with God spontaneously in the pure knowledge of Paramashiva I find in my heart. Perfect. 

(Jnana-Vijnana Yoga, the seventh chapter of The Bhagavad Gita is about discrimination and wisdom. My name, Jnana (my birth name in Sakskrit), means knowledge.)

Discrimination is knowing that each moment is a completely realized moment, which I may partake of at any time if I choose to look up from the distractions of samsara, and look inward where my Lord lives as me. Others will not support this understanding. I do not argue or reject, push or pull from their opinions. I am free to have the full measure of love and bliss now. All I need do is be what I am.

Discrimination is knowing that my path is solitary, that withdrawing from the rajas and distractions of society and worldliness is how I follow my heart. I am not to live in an ashram or a monastery, where the quality of satva is cultivated, which is not my path. I do not take vows. Sangham with others and sharing of the path is a distraction from what I know inside, my experience of God realization.

Discrimination is recognizing that I am burning tamas until I am not. I do not approve of or reject my desire to "waste" time online and on my blog. I am burning what is left of "hiding out." I watch, I see as Shiva. I need not resist this phase. (Resistance is futile).

Discrimination means immediately recognizing and rejecting fear which pertains to the past and the future, and which is an illusion that only exists in my mind. I cannot engage with the past or the future, and I trust in God in the present. I pay attention without fear. I act responsibly without fear. My choices are either obvious, or a chance to learn. This freedom is why I am burning tamas now. Tamas is a rejection of many things. Pushing or pulling is still attachment. I offer the tamas to the sacred fire, and offer any merits I receive as well. 

Discrimination is knowing that for now, I am not seeking a pair bond or a relationship. It is knowing that I am currently asexual. This is not a vow. It just is.

Discrimination is the wish fulfilling gem, the supreme fount and form of wisdom, the essence of offering and worship. By the jnana of discrimination, I recognize myself in vibration (movement, Chitti Shakti), accept the gift of anupaya (my longing answered by Shiva, independent of doing or not doing), and find the highest tattva of union with my Lord. I live and am lived as consciousness, and know His Bliss as my Self and my state. 

Neti... neti... neti.... Soham.

The Supreme Lord Paramashiva as Lord Krishna and Radha