Swirl

All around me, the things I thought were important, the things I thought were me.

They slip off and I am left with the bliss, the mysterious wonderful sensual swirling bliss.

There is nothing bigger or different from... me.

Love

I see it clearly now. 

My guru is going to love me to death.

My guru is everywhere I look.

Out of the way

I felt you tap on my shoulder last night. Like that time before, that time a preparation for this time, I see.

I recognize that tap.

It is possible I am going to have a relationship with the visible form of the guru.

It doesn't matter.

For the first time in my life, in my sadhana, I am out of the way. I am out of the way of grace. I feel it start in some delicious way, and COMPLETELY RESIST the lifetime habit of grasping the start of it, moving it, augmenting it, making the most of it....

... and by doing that, make it as small as my little ego, tapering out, gone.

The answer is not learning how to grasp it better, longer, farther.

The answer is here. It is this.... watch, be, simply remain where I am, along for the ride. I have finally learned what I must know to accept grace.

It turns out that the real answer is all the work I have done to get to this place, where I can finally let go of "augmenting" and controlling the forces of my life.

I got out of the way.

Bliss

So so so so so.... much bliss.

Art by B.G. Sharma

Guruji

I love The Beloved as many things.

The guru is the wish-fulfilling gem, the wish-fulfilling tree. I prayed to my guru over and over, every day...

Please my Guru, give _________ the role of his dreams, the project of his heart's desire. Let him stretch creatively as an artist, and be fulfilled by his work. Let him work on a movie or TV series that sends his career to new heights, the heights he desires and deserves as a successful actor (who is also a person of color).

When I prayed, my yearning to give to another (The Beloved) was so strong...

Then one day I felt inside a sudden change, the certainty that she had said yes, she was letting me know that she would, so I could have certainty.


And... he got a part in one of the most amazing projects imaginable, very creative and prestigious, and I am so so so happy! I keep looking at my pic of my guru next to my desk and hugging her feet inside, my heart surges to her.


I am so happy. This means A LOT to me. I must give to my beloved somehow. I MUST.... for that is what love means and does.

Thank you thank you thank you guruji.

Steady

I keep my mind steady, I bring it back to the center over and over. Not a lot of words for the work. Focus my mind, hold the shakti. My mind cannot slip out anymore, I notice my ego reaching, every time. I notice if my shakti slips from the center, and I steady myself.

Steady, steady.

Suddenly I am burning something(s) horrific, for hours and days! My car might need major work, they raised the rent again... the kind of stuff that fills me with anxiety and dread.... and I embrace these feelings, almost impossible... but I do it, over and over. Because I can see that my guru is burning the huge stuff, AND I WANT TO BE FREE.

Internal work

I notice when my ego arises suddenly, stepping up to take credit for an accomplishment large or small. It is a discipline that I have now, combined with grace. I notice and watch my ego arise without jumping aboard.

Truth be told, my ego is really a pest.

When my mind wants to follow something "difficult" into the past (thinking about it as if it is still present), I have the grace to step away from this old impulse, to stay in the present.

I have had a discipline for a long time now, years I think, where every time I feel hopelessness or self-hatred arise inside, I turn slightly until this feeling goes away.

This is my sadhana. It is internal work. I challenge the samskaras, and grace is dissolving them.

I think my part is that I maintain a steady place inside, my equipoise. Every day a little more firm, more far-reaching. A place for these forms of consciousness to arise in, so I can partake of that steadiness, forming the habit of letting these old habits flow past, as they arise and dissolve.

I don't discuss any of this with anyone. I am not thinking about it, or waiting for it to happen.

This is my sadhana. It's not something I really need to write about, so my posts have become very intermittent. I do want to mention it, because my seva includes sharing my sadhana in this blog.

Be happy, reader. All is well.

This is my sadhana.