Guruji

I love The Beloved as many things.

The guru is the wish-fulfilling gem, the wish-fulfilling tree. I prayed to my guru over and over, every day...

Please my Guru, give _________ the role of his dreams, the project of his heart's desire. Let him stretch creatively as an artist, and be fulfilled by his work. Let him work on a movie or TV series that sends his career to new heights, the heights he desires and deserves as a successful actor (who is also a person of color).

When I prayed, my yearning to give to another (The Beloved) was so strong...

Then one day I felt inside a sudden change, the certainty that she had said yes, she was letting me know that she would, so I could have certainty.


And... he got a part in one of the most amazing projects imaginable, very creative and prestigious, and I am so so so happy! I keep looking at my pic of my guru next to my desk and hugging her feet inside, my heart surges to her.


I am so happy. This means A LOT to me. I must give to my beloved somehow. I MUST.... for that is what love means and does.

Thank you thank you thank you guruji.

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Night Shyamalan is listed on IMDB as director for Wayward Pines,  "limited" (10-12 episode) television series on Fox FX Channel, currently in pre-production for premier in 2014.

M. Night Shyamalan

March 3, 2013
View from "the balcony" ~ 
final mix of After Earth

(current project in post-production)

The post-modern dialogue of thinness

Post-modern heroes are everyman. Modern heroes were not everyman, as supposed, but were rather everyman's dream of himself as hero.  The modern hero claimed his title by rising above everyone and everything else. It is very difficult for the post-modern hero to rise above or even stand out in a world where "everything" has been done, and "anything" worth saying has been said. 

In the world of film, dialogue and action have become miscast. For many a film, the real work is how to make these overexposed, aging film stars seem young and fresh, or at least a lot less boring... through the use of CGI and pyrotechnics, as they say.

But, what about our post-modern hero?

The post-modern everyman's story is compelling because he/she is standing still, while the "set" is in motion, i.e. the world of post-modern upheaval, decadence and disintegration that surrounds him. The compelling dialogue is his silent contact with this world. Character development follows the story of everyman's humanity (soul), which stands out against this dehumanizing backdrop as what is essential and real, i.e. cannot be produced, packaged or sold by Hollywood, Prada, or Walmart.

The themes of humanity, soul, isolation... and what is real... are the themes of post-modern art.

UNLESS: You're fat. Fat people don't get to project or even talk about post-modern soul or angst because their authenticity as a sufferer is immediately destroyed by the assumption they have traded it in for food. Lots of food. Repeatedly.

The angst "cred" goes right back in the freezer behind the Smart One's low calorie frozen desserts and that empty Trader Joe's Chocolate Ganache cake box.

Too bad. It sucks to be me.

The Minstrel's Tale

In freezing mists of foreign lands, I lost sight of my true love’s hand.
Into the arms of warmth I ran, I knew my love would understand.

She kept me warm, my soul was fed, I had a muse, a fire, a bed.
I soon forgot the life I’d known, this foreign land became my home.

The winds rolled in across the sea, they brought my true love’s voice to me.
I knew this girl would understand, I had to find my true love’s hand.

~ Carl Barat with Karsh Kale & Papon, The Minstrel’s Tale (The Dewarists)

HELL-NO adulthood

I think I skipped most of the trade-offs that the majority of people make when they choose to become adults. 

It helps that I have no children.

I don't know why I didn't quite see this before. If I seek a life partner, I am not going to be interested in or relate to anyone who hasn't tangled with adulthood and won by stepping out, going through the motions while remaining loyal to a younger self, one that never gave up and traded-in for the whole adult equation.

This makes me quite different than most of the people I meet. They are busy, and in quite different ways.

I tend to get along better with retired people. I am alluding to this when I describe myself as a "semi-retired" slacker.

I don't like people who are busy with children and soccer, vaccinations and wallpaper. Or those who seek STATUS in the adult world through their profession or expertise, inevitably acquiring the subsequent ideals and values which they apply to themselves and measure in others. They judge my internal life of childhood dreams and adult merging with God, and my external life of "slacking" by being a security guard when I have a Masters degree. I value my life in all ways, they devalue it in all ways.

I think as I get closer to the age at which most people retire I will find more folks who I can relate to, and who relate to me.

That doesn't mean I'll figure out how to be truly social. I have finally realized that my high-functioning autism(?) and other factors just really precludes this.

I no longer look for actual connections with people beyond fondness for acquaintances, and that passing exchange of "in the moment" friendliness and love with "strangers" which I so often enjoy (as a means of sharing my Guru's blissful shakti).

PS I am a security guard the way Daryl Dixon is the survivalist, "can do" hillbilly on The Walking Dead. It uses my natural abilities and area of focus, being in the moment, evaluating the potential for damage or danger. And, I can remain a slacker while I am doing it (if and until a problem arises). People have no idea about this level of adaptation in choosing to be a security guard. It is a "profession" that has no status. Valued only by property owners and the police, who know we are on the front lines, helping them to focus on the real problems of a city at night.

Practical (Tactical)

I have been supremely practical. I have worshiped the God of all that is concrete and permanent.

An artist must go on faith. or not at all. There is no obvious correlation between what arises from the singular inner space of an artistic life and what makes possible self-sufficiency and financial success in the world.

Artists must have faith. If they follow their vision, but have limited faith, they must at least have hope that they will somehow manage to live a sustainable life.

I hear an artist say that she knew the "9 to 5" life was not for her, and that she was following something inside that she felt would sustain her and show her how to live in the world.

It is a belief in something which is quite the opposite of practical.

For me, practical was a bargain, a tactic. I'll give up everything except what is practical in return for having my life healed from being broken and lost. I will lower my expectation by almost all in return for getting something, anything... better than the complete destruction I felt had occurred, and which I felt certain would lead to isolation and madness.