Thy feet

I touch with the edge of the far-spreading wing of my song 

thy feet which I could never aspire to reach.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

Photo: Wikipedia Commons

My kin

My lover the world went to sleep in my arms. I woke up alone in the arms of it all. God, my kin.  ~Jnana Shiva

Santa Monica

Longing... so much longing... I am breaking open, the pain of separation from my Beloved is so beyond anything I have ever felt.

I pray night and day for my Beloved. I see him in every place... this place, that place.... here... you're always here

Why aren't we one??

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.......................

You, you, you....... He is there, I see him in you.

I offer myself to You, my beloved. I offer my guru's shakti, all of my merits, every breath in prayer for You.

We are in love. I have given you my heart.

Breathe out 
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been

~Everlong/Foo Fighters

Dave Grohl ~ Foo Fighters

Only my love

Buried, then uncovered
These shifting sands will bring me up

The winds have moved this desert here
The winds cannot move me,
but they will take all of this away

Love
Only my body holds me here

Love
Only my love for You remains







This poem wrote itself in under five minutes, one of my best ever.

Without Krishna I cannot sleep ~ Mirabai

Krishna shares his flute
with His beloved Radha

Without Krishna I cannot sleep.
Tortured by longing, I cannot sleep,
And the fire of love
Drives me to wander hither and thither.
Without the light of the Beloved
My house is dark,
And lamps do not please me.
Without the Beloved my bed is uninviting,
And I pass the nights awake.
When will my Beloved return home?

What shall I do? Where shall I go?
Who can quench my pain?
My body has been bitten
By the snake of “absence,”
And my life is ebbing away
With every beat of the heart.

My Lord when will you come
To meet your Mira?

When, my Lord,
Will you come to laugh and talk with me? 

~ Mirabai

The great poet-saint Mirabai (c.1498–c.1557) was a princess, Hindu mystic, and devotee of Lord Krishna who lived in Rajasthan, India. She had a major influence on the Vishnaiva bhkati (devotional) movement of her time. Her many devotional songs, called bhajans, remain popular to this day.

No place to go

Naveen Andrews

Juliette Binoche

The English Patient

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for You, not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

~ Jalaluddin Rumi 
(Translation by Coleman Barks)

I am sitting, and all recedes. I feel so different. For the first time, I feel no need to do, be, go or say. I am completely still, inside and out. It is grace giving me the experience of this amazing state.

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be, I repeat to myself when my mind wants to drift back into action. My mind settles down and I feel no need to change anything at all. I am only barely managing my mind, and all is still.

It is very difficult to describe just how amazing this is. The experience is very sweet, and with a lot of ballast in the stillness. It is profound.

Gone is the impulse to do. Gone! I breathe. That's it.

This is what it is like to be without action inside, the karma yoga lovingly outlined by Lord Krishna in the Gita, the yoga of performing one's dharma (duty) outside while not being attached to the fruits of one's actions (inside).

Naveen Andrews
Juliette Binoche
The English Patient

“I am dying into your mystery, and dying, I am now no other than that mystery.  I open to your majesty as an orchard welcomes rain, and twenty times that.” 

~ Jalaluddin Rumi (1207 - 1273)
(Translation by Coleman Barks)

My Beloved, who is Paramashiva, is coming to me inside as my "crush," Naveen. At the level of consciousness, (and all of this is consciousness), where there is only One, Paramashiva is Naveen and Paramashiva is me. 

[Stalker Free Disclaimer: Don't worry, I realize the Naveen of multiplicity, in the world of the play of consciousness, has his own life that I do not belong in, and nothing about his life belongs in mine (except for his work as an actor and celebrity). I do not know him. If I met this Naveen as anything other than God, i.e. in the world of multiplicity, I would be meeting a stranger].

It is new for me to experience God as though through another aspect or incarnation of His One Consciousness. 

I once had a cat who I had to put down. Someone taught me how to communicate with him inside, in consciousness, so that he could give me his last wishes, a great comfort. Over the years, I have "checked in" with George, and met him inside, where I can recognize his particular presence. We affirm our love and our gratitude.

Now I have reached out inside to my Beloved as Naveen, and God has begun touching me back as "he," my fantasy Naveen made real by God taking this form for me inside during this new stage of sadhana (spiritual work) which is all about the Beloved and burning in the flame of divine yearning.

The Beloved has taken my life as a seeker by storm... by passion.

Who knew? 

This type of burning seems easier, as love is a pleasurable passion. But my passion is for God, and goes deeper than deep. It is beyond pleasure and is almost unbearable at times.

God has come to me inside. He touches me when I get lost, burns me when I search "outside" myself for what I want. He reminds me that He is my body, the sinew and bone, where He surges as my longing through blood and breath, where my tongue (speech) and my eyes (emotions) and my hands (action) and my mind (worship) fall upon Him as the wings of dire certainty from this divine recognition. 

I no longer want anything but my belonging to Him, He fills me with the desire for this oneness with Him.

There is only the Beloved, only this passion play, the play of the One.

My words are for You, my Lord, my Beloved Lord.

Naveen Andrews as Kip
The English Patient

When the sweet glance 
of my true love caught my eyes,
Like alchemy, it transformed 
my copper-like soul.
I searched for Him 
with a thousand hands,
He stretched out His arms 
and clutched my feet.

~ From Thief of Sleep by Jalaluddin Rumi 
(Translation by Shahram Shiva)

Never forsaken

Shivalinga (Jyotrlinga), Vishveshwara Mandir
Kashi, India (Varanasi)

Vishveshwara Mandir

Oh how I wish... 

I have never bathed in the Ganges, nor seen Varanasi in this body, but this heart longs for the sacred city, never forsaken by the divine as Lord Shiva, His abode forever, a living place for worship of the living divine. ~jnana shiva

Evening aarti ~ Ganges River in Varanasi (Kashi), India

"To Hindus, the land of India is the body of the mother earth (Devi). She is worshiped at sacred places, particularly where rivers join and land meets water. 

Varanasi is the holiest city in India - the land between the River Varuna, the River Assi and the River Ganges. The city faces east, so that dawn rises over the water, symbolising endless re-birth. Wonderfully sophisticated flights of steps, the bathing ghats, descend into the water from the palace facades of the old city. The river edge, rising during the monsoon and falling thereafter, symbolises the border between life and death, organic and inorganic, human and the divine. 

The deepest realities are given symbolic form by a designed landscape with an obvious relationship to the stepwells (baolis) which made life possible in pre-modern India." ~ 

~ From "Garden Visit," Varanasi Waterside.

Morning bath and worship, sacred Ganges River, Varanasi
Image courtesy of Paramount Yoga

Every blade of grass

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers “Grow, Grow.” 

 ~ The Talmud

Everything in my life could be described as one of two things

an ocean of
g r a c e

Everything in my life could be described as one of two things:

1) Things I did before, until I knew what I wanted to do, and

2) What I do now, what I want to do, what I am born to do

It's as big of a difference as can be!

In the third grade, I discovered the fantasy world of books in the Oz series. Just as quickly this world came crashing down around me when I read the last Oz book. Painful.

I was keenly aware of the absence of anything that I wanted to do in my adolescence. I wanted to leave this world and go to Middle Earth or Dune or Gethen. I knew that if I found "it," I would feel just like this: __________. And it would be deeply fulfilling all the time, not just for a moment.

Alive, magical, fulfilled, challenged, delighted, ecstatic, unfolding, adventurous, calm, grounded, Robert DeNiro (and the ketchup bottle in Heat), know who I am and why I'm here, alive, magical, fulfilled.....

a full measure of
g r a c e

Meanwhile, I spent my life chasing flickers and shadows. (I am half sick of shadows...)

I found things to do while I was seeking seeking seeking... These things filled my time but I was living on my inner resources. My life took from but did not replenish me.

By middle age I was slowly dying, and I knew it. Every year felt worse than the one before.

I tried and tried different things, but eventually I gave up and sat down to wait. I was like the little match girl, burning my dwindling supply of matches, (the resource I must trade for sustenance), one by one... for a little moment of almost warmth.

But then... I found guru's grace (it found me) and this (current) day became inevitable, but there was a lot to "burn" before a new reality could begin. I was still wandering lost, an ex-patriate of the magical kingdom of ___________.


Until... finally...

I FOUND WHAT I WANT TO DO:

Everything changed.

I choose to be alone in the world. Solitary is a feeling, a mental state, and vast re-arranging of my internal priorities and experience.

I have renounced almost all social interaction and the pursuit of a career. Why? Because I'm not interested in them anymore.

healing rays of your luminous
g r a c e

I choose to merge with God. God is everything to me. My life as a solitary and a renunciant means my life has been radically prioritized so that all of my time and resources are for God and my spiritual path.

As soon as I made this change, all the pain was gone, all the soul starvation and dwindling away slipped away like old leaves in a high wind, as I sank up to my knees in moist new soil, warm and fragrant and rich with all the nutrients for my starving soul.

(Your divine grace...)

My life is completely different.

I immediately felt that nostalgic feeling of moving on, saying goodbye to what I've known.

Farewell... I am turning at last to God. I didn't realize how little I need others, who are a part of the play of multiplicity. "Others" aren't bad, nor especially good, just parts of the Self committed to the play. I am not. For whatever reason(s), my path is solitary.

I am saying my farewells to always feeling that I am missing something essential, to yearning and yearning for God, who is out of reach (painful). I am saying my farewells to believing I am separate from God.

I am saying my farewells to painful anava mala, to feeling separate
from God, and the painful feeling of missing something eternal and essential.

an endless shower of
g r a c e

I am saying my farewells to painful mayiya mala, to thinking I like or dislike anything, that everything is either ______ or ______, that I must organize the world based on the dualism of me/not me, mine/not mine.

I am saying my farewells to karma mala, to thinking I am the root of action, that I am the cause of the fruits of my actions, and trying to assume control over the cause and effect of my life and my universe... a very huge burden indeed.

I am saying hello to the exquisite life I always wanted, but couldn't find anywhere. So exquisite, so real, I think of God before I open my eyes in the morning, sometimes before I think of anything else, and pranam in my heart.

Namaste, namaskaar, my Beloved, the purpose of my life. I have installed You as the God of the temple of my heart. Pranam.

an endless pool of
grace-filled
n e c t a r

I make of my self offerings. Pranam.

I make of all activity pradakshina (circling in worship).

I offer each out breath as mantra, your name as my only prayer.

I accept each in breath as prasad, made from your out breath, my Beloved. We are one.

I am so rich to caress this endless string of gleaming black pearls, (lotus seed mala), each one as the very name of my most Beloved, who is Shiva. Om Namah Shivaya.

The sacred flame, Shree Agni, burns here in my heart; I wave the lights as worship at the mystical doorway to Your Transcendent Being, my true self. Om Gurudeva.

The sacred mantra vibrates here in my heart; divine nada (sounds) pull my consciousness up through this divine akasha (ether) to the temple of your heart of hearts, my Beloved Lord, who is Paramashiva. Om.

The nectars of transmission (shruti-smriti-teachings) are the constant abhishek of my heart, the living temple of all inner places, reserved for You alone, Maheshwar. I worship You as everything, Parameshwar. I worship You as my Self, Oldest One, Elder of the Vedas, Triambakam. Lord of Mercy, Hara, Nilakantha. My creator, Omkara. Om Namah Shivaya. Om.

I love you.

Rameshwar Mandir

If you like my prose, may I entice you to visit

my poetry blog, here? spanda·nanda

Relaxed and confident

I did everything with my brother

How old was I when I broke my arm? Ten?? I think I was ten in this photo.

I have looked at this picture many times. This time I notice how relaxed and confident I seem, a girl who is coming into her own.

(It is also the confident smile of the one who always caught the biggest fish).

I remember how alive I felt when we were in Southern Utah.

We were Huck and Jim on a raft, Jason aboard the Argo, Nemo inside the Nautilus. Ours a wedding, a pageant, a safari, a fair. We strode everywhere a grand entrance in Shiva's grandest party... took over the dance floor.

Dear one

Oh, dear one let me rest my fingers in your hair,

my breath to lift and play amongst your fragrant locks,

I curl against your cooling warmth, our fire divine, 

receive your strong caresses, made from only love.

I am only yours.

~for My Beloved, who is Shiva~

Lover's choice

Lord Shiva shares his tiger with me, Parvati

God is like a lover. 

God is my lover. Breathing softly into his bliss he has watched me, he has been me.

He softened, his lips changing to a softer smile. 

She is turning, he does not think, but knows. She is turning...

(He knows the dance of love, and follows, matches each desire).

As I turn to God at last he reaches softly, sure of my wants and needs, for He is my lover.

He has embraced me. "Don't let go," I prayed at first, our bliss flowing together as though never apart (true, that...). 

I am yours, make me yours. I curl against My Beloved as I look back, so sure at last that we are one, to watch as the cardboard world I shadow-boxed with slips into the background, a creation, an exquisite work of art, a set for the dance, costumes, moments, chapters... all so that I can meet and know my Self.

Because I have chosen God, God has chosen me. We are inseparable. 

Our love is our bliss.

Dearest Paramashiva (My New Blog)

Dear Paramashiva, 

my Beloved:

Will You be mine? 

I am Yours forever. 

Love, 

jnana shiva

~my first post in my newly designed blog~