How not to make story out of now

Everything stopped, it all went away. No more of my guru's shakti carrying me as I learn, helping me to hold my state.

I was overcome with old feelings I've learned to hold back with the practiced discipline of my mind. Anxiety. Fear.

I desperately wanted to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong. I indulged in a certain amount of this, but then stopped because I could only make something up. I stopped each time before I started obsessing on it. Because that path always leads to my ego's indulgences: self-loathing and self-pity, which I do not do anymore.



Slowly it has all come back. The love, the bliss, my state. I am on a different footing with my sadhana. And I have learned something new: How to not make story out of now.

The habit of my mind is to figure out what is happening as part of a larger story, in relationship to what was and what might be.

Really. I mean really... I haven't a clue.

I wobble about in my mind, like riding a churning wave that is trying to slip me off my center, into the constant guesswork mistaken for reality, the fabrication that makes it all make sense.

I hold my mind still. I keep coming back to the place of stillness. My mind is unsettled, it keeps trying. This is not an intellectual exercise. It is equipoise.

I haven't a clue where it's all going. Ha!!

Shubh Divali!

Diwali is such a special time of wonder and delight. I wish you the most magical and delightful Diwali!

Cancer sun, Cancer moon. Aquarius rising.

To me feelings are everything. They are truth. They are who I am. (I am a double Cancer, after all).

The feelings are so beautiful. The bliss.

Oh no, the feelings went away.

Oh! Totally new thought. Feelings come and go, they are not the purpose or measure of sadhana. Trying to control them, to get them to stay in the bliss, that is not sadhana.

What if I grow, become established in the Self no matter how I feel and how I am faring on the ocean of samsara? Hmmmmm.

Just stop. Stop trying to herd things around.

THIS IS HUGE.

Ha hahah ahaha. Where's the remote?

Rossy de Palma. Style.

Waris loves you. Style.

Life is like the landlady: kicks butt without EVER removing her cigarette

That's me whimpering in the corner LOL

Oh no, what have I done? No no no. Hahh  ahahaha a.

Oh well, darn. Time for more of this guy (where's the remote?)

A different day

The step is different, it starts a different moment, a different day.

A step outside of story, history or time.

Now. The little step that embraces freedom, free because I experience just this, the place that dreams of this, but I am more.

God can be anything, paramashiva is not fettered in any way. He/she takes Her pleasure by becoming everything. I am one version of so very many that can be.

My story includes shedding my story, at just the pace and delight of my Beloved, finding Him just so, in just this way. It is a beautiful, delicate dance that includes the liberating fire of karma to purify me, to render me as essence, intention and love.

I finally understand why the story doesn't end as soon as I know who I am. What happens after I know who I am is part of the story, the best part.

I honor my Beloved's delight in me, taking me back at last. I am finding my way back to Him. In this and every moment, we are already One.