All the difference

That moment this week. I was laying in bed, watching TV. So familiar the craving for _________, the intensity that comes up like clockwork, driving me, herding me with pain and anguish and wanting for whips. Appetites.

I thought. What if I could say no to this feeling? I'd never thought of that before.

I found the feeling in my stomach. It felt like a wall of need, of need streaming into my stomach from a wall in my upper stomach.

I pushed on that need in my subtle body. It responded to my pressure. I pushed it all the way back into the wall roughly analogous to my diaphram.

It went all the way in. There was a moment of relief.

I let go, and the distress began flowing again.

I saw that I accepted this need, this distress, because I used it to try to give myself pleasure, a sort of entertainment I require each day. Something to look forward to. The reason to endure everything else.

I saw that this was delusion. The satisfaction was never real.

I pushed on it again, all the way back. Gone, until I let go and it flowed again.

I made the decision. IT WAS REALLY REALLY HARD. I wrenched myself away from the feelings that I worshiped, that thrilled me with delusion.

I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE FOR THIS ANY MORE.

I renounced it, all of it.

I didn't realize it was going to make all the difference.

Consciousness check

S H O R T

Guru, worship

I see the world from within myself, a transparent play

I see my attachments as illusion and futile, painful

I withdraw my senses, hold my shakti

I love my appetites, and slip off the hook

Shanti shanti shanti

Brahmacharini tapasya,
the unmarried version of Parvati

L O N G

Choose the world of the subtle body... inside... falling backward...

See the world from within...


Now, instead of concepts and story...

Breath, mantra... posture, subtle body...

Floating, meditation...

Love and worship and longing...


My Self, my Guru, Lord Krishna...

Mata Durga, Sree Parvati, Maa Brahmacharini

Paramashiva, who is Shree Kundalini at play...

Love and worship, longing and consciousness...

Now.

Brahmacharini tapasya to become one with Shiva

Suspended

No need to be suspended by grappling hooks anymore.

Ananda Tarot

When you're done with everything, the spiritual process begins

An excerpt from When You Are Finished with Everything, Spirituality Begins podcast by Sadhguru 
November 13 2016, emphasis mine.

Spirituality is like just about anything else in your life. Like in your life, when you're done with one thing, the next thing begins, just like that. 

When you're done with everything, spiritual process begins.

When you like, for example, to come to the basics of life, spirituality is very much like sexuality, in the sense, you are fourteen, and suddenly you know (audience laughter). Suddenly all those little things that meant the world to you as a child [inaudible] go to the dust bin, the teddy bears go to the trash can, and all the childish games disappear. Now suddenly you know. Just like that.

Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev at Mount Kailash

When a certain awareness arises in you, suddenly you know that little games don't satisfy you anymore. When you became fourteen, you thought what you were doing until then were petty things. Suddenly you know the big thing. When the big thing becomes a petty thing, now you're spiritual (more audience laughter).

..so when this question begins to arise, why am I in all these little things, stuff like this? Then the spiritual process has begun.

Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev at Mahashivaratri celebration

Bliss and equipoise

Radha Krishna ~ a divine love

Every moment, I feel my mind, my ego shirk as a little more of me is pulled away. Another tiny rent in my attachment to the play becomes another little in-rush of freedom, spinning stars and stardust on timeless breath. 

Kriyas and spontaneous meditation. Head falling forward.

So often the shakti of "Chidvilasananda" visiting me as the ashram. I hear the silence there, see the golden gleam of low light on the spotless floors, feel the close mantle of love and protection about me. 

I belong "there." "There" belongs to me.

I play the mantra always, very quietly when I'm asleep. I repeat the mantra until I am floating on the bliss.

I am undone from within. I feel limp, very tired. I shuffle backwards when something grabs my attention. I do not surge forward. The anxiety I usually keep under control is flowing around freely. It hurts but I experience it as consciousness being released.

I control nothing. I experience it all as coming to a single-pointedness of bliss and equipoise.

Radha Krishna ~ a spiritual love

Jet lag for yoginis

I feel as though I was a big rubber band, always stretched and taut, pulling. All my life. All.

And now it has all been loosened.

I'm dreamy and soft, and can't think about anything complicated. I lose almost every board I play in my favorite game. I really can't talk very well. More like sputtering. Brain is moving slow. Like jet lag for yoginis.

I am indulging the feeling of letting go. It feels wonderful to lay in bed for hours (watching Justified season 2, ya!).

I know I cannot live the way I did before this gift from my guru. I have thrown off the old. My extreme habits made from "fixing a broken life" are falling away from me.

I have complete trust that my guru will show me a new way to live after I have rested up and let the old ways go.

Withdraw to become

There came that tiny moment... a few seconds... when I gave it up, the lifelong obsession.

I will not control this place. I cannot find my place in this world.

There is no place.

This obsession is useless, worse than useless. It is never going to work.

I let go. It was the first time in this lifetime. I chose to completely let go for a few seconds.

Maybe I can do this... maybe I can actually drop the "reins" that I thought would save me. And the illusion hit the dust with a tiny, subtle "puh" sound of release.

My being felt a shift, a sea change.

Only God? Yes. Let this go.

I choose without reaching, let go of the inner goal of control. Yes. Each time the inner transformation expands again, and is more profound.

Others may find their enlightenment in increased participation in the world, as seva, as love. I am (the) other. I withdraw to become. I am alone.

I see a shimmering, swimming ocean of golden shakti. I laugh a lot. I feel good, I feel bad. I try to control. I don't. On to the next moment.

I cannot be destroyed nor even delayed by circumstance. My whole life has been about fighting circumstance in order to make up for tragedy and loss. My life is still a mess in many ways. How thrilling it is to finally unshoulder the burden, this useless obsession!

Now, this is living. It is possible for me to not fight this anymore. Grace.

I want what is real. I always have. I have craved it all my life, which felt so empty, a whispy reflection of something undefinable, essential, missing.

It is right action to take care of myself, and to offer this action as sacrifice (to God).

I give up the obsession that I can finally decide what will happen.

Not an intellectual change. Not by thinking it. Not by obeying some rule. Simply by letting it be in me. It is. I have uncovered this reality on the clutter clearing path of sadhana.

What? My survival does not depend on fixing my world. Finally, this truth has taken hold in me. I can choose this, it is growing in my consciousness. I keep wanting it more than the obsession. Freedom. Reality. Truth.

This is where life is going on.

I have heard Lord Krishna's wisdom, and aspired to his powerful yogas. But it has taken so many years to finally have a moment where I say:

"I let go, I release my obsession, it feels terrifying, but I must take a stand. I will not fight what is, pursue what is not. I choose freedom. I renounce delusion. I will."

Lord Krishna as Narayana, one with the sacred waters of the ocean,
and of the sacred river, the place between worlds

BHAGAVAD GITA ~ Lord Krishna's teachings on Divine Yoga    

Chapter three: Karma Yoga (excerpt, emphasis mine)

A person does not escape karma by just not doing anything. It is not through mere renunciation that one achieves perfection. 

It is better to do one’s own duty imperfectly than to do the duty of another well. It is better even to die doing one’s own duty; the duty of another is perilous. 

Giving up attachment, perform actions as a practice of yoga, Arjuna. Be the same whether you are successful or unsuccessful; this equanimity is what is called yoga. 

Arjuna, action alone is much inferior to action done with the yoga of understanding. Take refuge in understanding; those driven by the pursuit of results are pathetic. 

With one’s mind disciplined in understanding, one transcends here both good and bad acts. So devote yourself to yoga. Yoga is skillfullness in actions. 

One who does what needs to be done while remaining unattached to the results of this action is a true renouncer and a yogi, not the one who has merely abandoned the sacrificial fire or eschews religious rites. 

Everyone in this world is bound by actions unless they are done as sacrifices. So perform action with that as the purpose, Arjuna, freed from attachment. 

I accept as an offering of devotion even just a leaf, a flower, a piece of fruit, or a water offering which has been presented to me with devotion by the devout. 

Whatever you do, whatever you eat, whatever you sacrifice, whatever you give, whatever kind of austerities you perform, do that as an offering to me, Arjuna. 

All actions are done just by the qualities of nature, but one who is deluded by the ego thinks, “I am the doer.” 

But, Arjuna, one who knows the true nature of the distinctions between actions and qualities, and who thinks, ‘Qualities depend on other qualities,’ he is not attached. 

One who sees inaction in action and action in inaction has understanding among men, disciplined in all actions he performs.  

How I love you, sweet Krishna

Seek

Do you hear the silence? I do.

Do you see intelligence dancing around you? I do. Shiva is always here, hiding in plain sight as everything.

Once this point of view was a flash, no more, questioned.

Each time, I saw it a little longer. A flash, no more, still questioned.

I began to realize I could have this experience all of the time. My helpful ego thought this achievement meant all sorts of things about me.

I learned to let grace come in without handing it to my ego. This took a lot of discipline. This discipline is why I can post these secret things here, without thinking any of this is my attainment. Attainment is the consolation prize. I seek the true prize. I am vigilant, and keep these most precious things apart from my ego.

I am so lucky. I was so tired. I was tired of serving the illusion that I could obtain all that I craved and juggled and desperately sought each day without turning inward.

Grace was waiting, endless grace, waiting for me.

I find the source of endless refreshment, comfort and joy flowing up through me whenever I turn to my source. I receive all that I have ever wanted and more, the real desires of my heart, not worldly reflections. This is why the guru is called the Wish Fulfilling Tree.

I could not do any of this without grace. Grace is REQUIRED.

Grace comes from my guru. It flows to me when I draw it with auspicious acts of loving self-discipline, when I grow spiritually. It is always a gift. I cannot earn it. It is precious beyond all purchase or repayment.

I can only learn how to accept grace.   

Thank you... 

If God's grace is your heart's desire, then you are a seeker. Your grace might come from nature, Gaia, the universe, The Ancestors, Jesus, the Goddess, Krishna, Buddha, Allah, The Beloved, or simply a mystery that appears in your consciousness. Seek and keep most precious this grace and it will seek you. It will show you the way.

Because of grace, I hear the silence. I stop, I listen, and it is always there. What is real... immediate... forever.

I have turned my senses inward. This is my discipline.

Because of grace, I see that One who is beyond time and space, who creates time and space from Self. One who has always existed; One without second. I know my consciousness is this One.

There is a sacred, sacred place in the heart where this One is not veiled. Will you live and die this time without finding this place?

A part of me is established there. This is my heart's desire, always above everything else. Every day I choose this, a little more of me is established in God. It's a little easier. It lasts longer. My guru teaches me that I can become enlightened, can be established in God in this lifetime. This truth thrills me; I am returning home. It is the journey of journeys.

Do you want the source of endless refreshment, comfort and joy above all? If this is what you desire, seeker..... wait no longer. SEEK... God will answer the longings of your heart.

Seek.

Don't laugh. Star Wars touched the place of the heart that whispers in every heart, "come home."

Equipoise

I have been growing inside, spiritually... not pushing or pulling, not trying to find the words.

Equipoise. What happens dissolves by the next moment, the next now. I feel the tug of the moment, and let it carry me.

Freedom.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

Shiva as my main squeeze,
God and actor,
Mr. Naveen Andrews

My insight a few seconds ago. My longing for a relationship, for physical closeness, is not a symptom of remaining tied to the world, of not being ready to let go of distractions so I can focus on my sadhana and realization...

...it is my love of God, my longing. Of course. It has always been there, and now it is becoming about You, my true love.

Many times a day now, when I feel that need inside for something real and truly satisfying, (not just a shade of what I long for), for the first time, I always seek You, I reach out for You. You are always there.

Shiva shiva shiva... I love your name I LOVE YOUR NAME.

Om nama shivaya...

My longing is for You.

More to this

I have turned away from the world of the senses. It still swirls around me, as messy and perfectly cohesive as ever it was... It just doesn't mean near as much to me.

Some would say it is too self-centered, too self-indulgent to focus only on this immediate world of eloquent grace, nestled in and waking from naptime in the divine kindergarten of love.

This I will say, in the end the tale is a love story. That special place where lovers pool their sighs, gaze through abstract movement where the air is warm and close....

So, let me go away, go home at last. If you question, it means you have more to do. No worries.

"It only ends once, the rest is just progress." 

~Jacob on LOST

I will still write here; this is my seva (service). My posts are about my love for my Beloved, as my life is.

PS There is more to this than the world of the senses. If you long for a journey elsewhere, one way is to go down inside of yourself (meditation) and discover the world that is there.

As we soar

I experience the familiar kriya—a spontaneous movement directed by Shree Kundalini—several times a day or more.

I will pause in my typing, and a little silent glide... my head is gently bent forward to my chest, then stays there. Sometimes fast, most of the time slow; it is like gliding into place.

Instantly I am in meditation. I notice my detachment from the world, (hard won from years of sadhana, but mostly a gift of grace).

I ask myself, now, each time... and whenever I remember throughout the day: Which do I choose? Union with God, or all of this?

I choose God. It is real in the moment. I take the half-step back into the stillness and bliss of which I am made.

Could it be? This awareness of You is now more than half of me!

Shiva Shiva Shiva... to say your name is bliss and bliss and bliss. I say it over and over (and over). Your name fills me with love and love (and love!)

The world swirls around me now, and with each day I feel far less concerned with how it all takes form in each moment.

I am not the baby-sitter for my Lord's creation.

Shree Krishna... I do what seems right by myself and by You... and leave the results up to You.

If thoughts of suffering, controlling, or fear arise, I notice them right away, and gently stir them back into the consciousness from which they arose. I do not entertain these thoughts, do not invite them in. Once they're in they become my guests. I serve them, though they pretend to serve me.

My discipline about this has become a strong habit. Through grace...

Instead, I am still. I do not fight. These once looked to enemies cannot hook me, cannot start me on an inner junket or personal massacre once arising from a painful rumor about a substantial nothing.

I do not believe in suffering.

I have a funny little smile, hour after hour. The smile of one who knows my Beloved is always closer than close, never out of reach, never...

Every time I think of You I find myself curled around You, partaking of Your dream... my arms fast around You as we soar....

Photo Himalayan Academy

Ready for take off

I have had one continuous nada (divine sound) all year. Others have come and go, including the exquisite tinkling sounds I love so much. The continuous nada is the plane warming up on the tarmac. It is quieter now. I only really hear it when I listen for it, always there, still there.

Clearly I am being invited to step onto a flight going who knows where, leaving all of this behind. Perhaps I can go whenever I am ready. Perhaps I will be picked up for boarding when it's time to depart.

Perhaps I'm already on board. This seems most likely.

Photo by Keep Your Eyes Wide Open on deviantart

Oh! The first time (except a brief trip in childhood) that I flew in a plane, I was quite scared. I was in my early twenties. We were sitting on the tarmac for almost an hour it seemed. There was some problem, they said. Finally I had the certain realization that the plane wasn't going to take off until I decided I wanted it to. At that exact moment, when I said inside, "okay, let's go...," the plane's engines began to wind up, and the plane began to roll towards the runway.

Now. I have to pause, to ask myself sincerely. If this is it, am I really ready? What does it mean to decide yes, to say yes? It's the biggest "yes" that there is!

I'm testing the waters here, about being okay with moving along to takeoff.

Yes, yes. It is what I want. No doubt. No regrets.

Okay, my Beloved. Let's go.

I am ready for take off.

Kashmir Shaivism: The presence of God everywhere

“Freedom from all our miseries, as Abhinavagupta boldly declares, can neither be obtained through the renunciation of the world, nor by hatred of this world, but by experiencing the presence of God everywhere.”

~ Swami Lakshmanjoo, Kashmir Shaivism

My 200th post

Only We know that my clothes are 

layered as robes of saffron, 
that under my hair, 
my shaved head pales. 

True, upon this hip rests 
my begging bowl, invisible, 
ever filled with guru's grace.

I have renounced all
that I once carried:
the tare weight of delusion
the ferried weight of the world
all dissolved back into You.

We peek out from Your pocket...
I am everywhere !!

~ jnana shiva ~

~  Celebrating my 200th post  ~

When I was a girl

St Theresa of Avila

"If you will try to live in the presence of GOD for one year, you will see yourself at the end of it at the height of perfection, without your even knowing it." ~ St. Theresa of Avila

I am being taught a lesson about grace. I am being taught by when it "leaves," and by when it "returns."

When grace is gone and I am floundering, I face again the obsessions and delusions of my unpurified mind, which is subject to the three malas and the contraction of Chit Shakti in her role as Shree Maya (the active form of the Lord, Paramashiva's consciousnesswho holds the consciousness of all in contraction, the entire universe, and the illusion of multiplicity).

When grace returns, I notice instantly, and I am reminded of the number one question that I have right now: How can I receive and be aligned with grace in every moment? What should I do when it is "gone," i.e. wait? Take action?

It is an illusion that the source of grace is separate from me. But if the illusion reigns, then I am held back from my life in God.

St Therese of Lisieux

"I can nourish myself on nothing but truth." ~ St. Therese of Lisieux

One way of describing my new life is that I have chosen to make focusing on God and receiving guru's grace the highest priority of my life and the most important activities of every day. The results were immediate and dramatic, but I am really a beginner at discipline.

I have renounced the things that are in the way of my new life of living fully for God. It is fairly easy to keep my day free of unnecessary social or career obligations and clutter. To live simply, dress simply. To shine the love light of my guru's shakti from my heart to others I meet during my day.

But discipline is something new. I have avoided discipline to "make up" for my soul being so lost out in the hot desert of delusion and malnourished by obsessions.

Her years as a Indian
"wandering" sadhvi are
measured by her jata
(long locks)

I am struggling. I get stuck in dualism. I believe my fear when it tells me I must struggle, struggle harder to make up for my own lack in a situation, or that I will fail, or lose my "foolish" bid to live fully for God.

This is all based on the illusion that I am separate from God, that my creator isn't inside of my being as me (I finally understand, Baba...).

The most important thing is that I don't give up. In the past the wheel of my life would turn on its way and I would get lost in other things down the road, then finally return to try again.

I have prayed fervently that this time, this attempt to find and get about "my Father's business," will not stop. I have promised myself I would not lose track and spin onward AGAIN.

Now now now... God is now.

Sadhvis
(most likely widows)

At first this was enough, choosing God now and not slipping back tomorrow or next week. I made progress, found myself freed from many past obsessions and illusions. I notice ego instantly and do not jump on board with it. I test contracted thinking and find it often disappears, POOF.

Then I found myself freed up from my decades long compulsion to keep my head in the computer. Wow, something really different! But, I didn't know what to do instead. I didn't have a structure or discipline. I foundered. It felt as though I had lost all the ground I gained.

I noticed a part of my mind that whispered: "It isn't such a big deal. You did a lot. Just relax now. It's okay to back off a bit on your goal. Living for God, isn't that a bit much? Well, okay, but you can still do that and relax too, can't you?"

I have heard this little internal voice before, I don't know why it is there. I want to WANT to live for God. This voice doesn't want to live for anything except the moment. It is the voice of addiction. Give up everything for the obsession of being made whole and happy by something "external." DELUSION.

A female renunciant, called a sadhini or sadhvi

Am I really in a battle with this old part of me? She's whipped my ass several times over. But I am determined, and am bringing everything to bear on this, because IT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE.

When I was a girl, if someone asked (no one did) me what I wanted to be, I would have said, "a nun... or a playboy centerfold." Seriously. I remember thinking that. Because I remember thinking that God had given me a big scar on my stomach to keep me from going the way of sin.

Then I found out Mormons don't have nuns. I was crushed. I mean, really really disappointed.

Actress Deepti Navala plays a sadhvi
on a television soap opera

I have over the years, in my twenties, thirties, forties and now my fifties, asked myself over and over: "What is the purpose of my life?" I didn't have an answer. But I remember one time, (when I was relaxing in the bubble tub at my home away from home, Kiva Retreat in Santa Cruz, CA), I considered, maybe the purpose of my life is to seek God.

Sadhvi Abha Saraswati
is a sadhvi or nun in an
established order of monks

Immediately I was thrilled to the core. I pictured my entire life as a path from "now" to God. What could be better???

I never forgot this, but I couldn't picture how to accomplish it. Like when I was a teen, and wanted so badly to disappear into the Bible, or The Lord of the Rings. Someplace where the desires of the heart actually happened. Because I yearned so much for Jesus, but the yearning never translated into my life. Jesus was somewhere else, someplace I could not go.

That is the experience of a soul who wants to live their life in God, but has not had shaktipat.

Well, I've had shaktipat. And I have endured a great deal to get through all that was in the way of my current life and calling.

Guru my Guru.... Guru Paramashiva.... show me the way. I am alone, there is no ashram or sangham as my support environment. I am surrounded by the world, and my values are now completely different from those around me.

I find the guru in my heart.

But I also think... it is time to send a letter to the physical guru.

Jaya Mahadevis!
Durga center, Lakshmi left,
Saraswati right

Mauled by the malas

I've emerged into a very quiet, still place. Very quiet. Very still.

I can see in particular how karma mala has been chasing me like a hounded beast.

I've decided I'm finished with it. No more getting mauled by the malas. This means giving up one of my favorite obsessions: that "wasting time" is fun. That avoiding responsibility is the definition of happiness.

This is illusion and obsession. Compulsive activities drain me. I have been staying with them to burn them, I think. But now things are changing. The opportunity...

I had to think very hard for a few moments. Do I really want to proceed? I'll never be the same again. My life will never be the same.

The point of no return?

I feel like I'm saying goodbye to "human," and hello to "divine." For now it's a sobering choice (there will be bliss...)

Yes, I say to the guru. Let's proceed. I'll sit back a bit, waiting for the cue of how to proceed.

FOCUS:
I realize that the life of a sadhini takes focus. I can't really take a break from my practices (austerities, tapas... mantra, meditation, etc.). The yogic fire must be stoked and maintained.

I have to be careful of distractions. This wasn't such an issue until this point in my sadhana.

I tried to watch "The Walking Dead." How different it is now! I'm too sensitive for this raw emotion and action. I've never been that way before (I'm a physical and an emotional tomboy). I have decided to cancel the satellite TV. I don't watch TV more than once per week (except for Craig Ferguson, the delightful Scottish perv). Almost $80 a month for once a week? That's $20 a shot.

It's like my diet. It has just happened, since I was sick. Mostly rice, plain white jasmine rice, cooked on the stove with extra water to make it soft. A few other things. The diet of a sadhini, sattvic, light, simple. Plus, I haven't smoked since the beginning of February. And I am trying out being a vegetarian. I just can't digest the meat properly. And it has "bad energy" in it.

The world by campfire
shrinks down to an
intimate size

I've decided it is best to be somewhat "messy" right now. I don't have the "lined up" energy to keep things very clean. I guess I'm still on vacation (laugh!) I'll just hold the line at frightening. No worries.

INTENTION:
My intention is to continue maintaining my yogic fire through regular practices of "viewing (it) as consciousness," japa mantra, meditation, study of Sanatana Dharma online and in my books and scriptures, brahmacharya (celibacy), poverty, and the solitary life of a blissful sadhini. Also, I play the mantra almost all the time both on my laptop and in the bedroom.

Maintain the yogic fire... pranam and praises to Shree Agni.

Surrender to yoga

Surrender to yoga, for where is the
conflict when the truth is known?
~ Krishnamacharya

A life apart while I remain amidst

As I was falling asleep... I was thinking of this and that.

I was thinking of a blog entry where I wrote that I wasn't honest, that I didn't have anything real to give because I was so self-centered, so selfish.

Then I was thinking of something I have contemplated lately, that when I go for something, I throw myself into it like a method actor in a Daniel Day Lewis movie. I have the ability to produce a great deal of participation in the drama, whatever it is. I am obsessed with the delusion that I am participating, connecting with others, generating valuable accomplishments as an adult. 

"Did IQs drop sharply while I was away?"
Sigourney Weaver as
Lieutenant Ripley in Aliens

It's like... I go go go for days weeks months (years?)... then WOAH! There's a psychic and energetic 360 and I undo it all, reject it all, RUN away from it all.... I pull an Alan Smithee and POOF! I disappear from the set forever, not a word, not a song... not a single regret.

Chase the new obsession... (try to get something by pursuing it at top form, huge energy and endurance here), then eventually, always eventually.... reject... (anorexic, shed it all, try to get something out of letting it all go).

Hmmmmmm...

And then I was thinking of how embarrassed I was whenever I remember my endowment at the temple, of how I sat apart in the Celestial Room, and didn't go over to thank all the ward members who had attended my session in support of me, and were looking my way as they were talking quietly to each other, to the Bishop.

I didn't want to go over to them. 

"I was being honest," I told myself. I WAS BEING HONEST.

BAM!! I finally understood why I think of myself as someone who is not integrated, who sometimes does things I didn't seem to intend or be in charge of.

When I went to live at the ashram, it was because my heart spoke, and said, I want to go to there, and live. And I did, because I could. But not once did I ask myself if I actually had what the people I would be joining there would expect of me, what authentically joining with the ashram sangham meant.

When I got a job as a network administrator, it wasn't because I felt I could do the job, that I saw myself as a productive member of the network group. I got this position because getting it was the next best thing to being that skilled (which I am not). I got the job because I could. It was very dishonest.

Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice

I am profoundly dishonest with myself. I do not accept the reality of who I am. I act in every way as though I can change the reality of who I am to whatever is required to be involved with the world of others. (Then later I am sometimes mean. "You never knew me." "THIS is who I really am...")

Truth: I do not belong in the world of others, never have, never will. 

This terrified me. I thought I was broken. At a young age (second grade?) I decided to do anything to try to fix myself. I abandoned my true self and focused on my skills as a mimic. "You are this? So am I..." LIES. 

I am profoundly dishonest with others. I act in the way I think others want me to act, to create the illusion that I am participating. Meanwhile, the unintegrated part of me feels free to party at every one's expense (including mine), i.e. jumps in at an odd moment and does what she damn well pleases. She is honest with herself. She knows what she wants and sometimes... she simply does it, damn the consequences.

Truth: I am incapable of being honest with others until I am honest with myself.

The unintegrated part of me... must be my true self(?) True in the sense that she is this, and not that. I am a certain way. Finding out who I am will be the perfectly delightful task of becoming perfectly honest with myself... about who I am, what I want, and how to live my life as a blissful sadhini.

Knowing my true self is a loving way to choose solitude and renunciation, a life apart while I remain amidst.

A life apart is the life I was born for, but spent over thirty desperate years, years of boyfriends, college, etc. trying to turn into what everyone else seemed to be doing. 

No more.

Daniel Day Lewis as Hawkeye in The Last of the Mohicans