The change

There came a moment, I think it was less than a week ago, where I said, "no more."

"I'm done."

I watched myself decide with complete certainty that expecting anything in return for participating with this play in my mind was a complete waste.

There was a shift. The "inside" world became more important to me than "the play," the play that has occupied me every moment of this lifetime, until now.

An invisible door closed. It has stayed closed.

It's still closed when I awake in the morning. It's still closed whenever I inspect it.

Yes. Still closed.

This may or may not last. 

That's not up to me.

How different my state is. I concentrate on whatever I am doing.

I am no longer making up a story about life as I go. 'Now' is all that is real. 

Not because I think it is so, (laugh)! It's just how I live, how I am alive, now, here.

There is a change in my subtle body, in my energy. Absolute steadiness. When I choose to consciously experience this feeling of steadiness, I can increase it at will.

(I remember when she visited me a few times recently, invisible, touching me so slightly. "Steady," her touch said, communicating the feeling of steadiness to me. Grace.)

I have finally got full control of my mind. Nothing knocks me off of my center place. Drama comes and goes around me. There is no question of participating. It is jarring, irritating to think otherwise.

I am finally, fully confident that the steady progress of discipline is NOT my path, and that I am not deluded in thinking so.

I remember recently the moment I found there was no difference between inside and outside. God has become so close I was supremely embarrassed for a few days.

Moments come during my day when God touches me, reminds me in my being, again and again, rising through me as a tickle of loving bliss. My every dream, my heart's desire, coming true as eternal union with my Beloved. 

My realization takes the form of a magical fairy tale, in my heart. I always tear up, cry a little when this touch of romantic bliss comes. 

A gift. From my Guru. From God. The perfect gift. Forever. It is all because of Grace.

My ego is not involved. This may or may not be happening to all of my guru's other devotees. I don't need to know either way. I feel no need to evaluate what is happening to me by this or any parameters.

For the first time in my life, I am not struggling to shape an intellectual response to what is happening. I am not trying to bring the previous moment into the current moment as part of a recipe for achieving progress and attainment.

I'm not thinking of attainment.

I'm only writing all this down so I can refer to it later. I'll want to remember how it happened. My guru advises doing this, journaling.

I was born within 100 miles of Zion's National Park. My roots from this incarnation sink deep into this soil.

Becoming

The more like me I become, the less important I become. A burden surrendered.

St. Therese of Lisieux, the Little Flower

A vision

I had a dream, a vision.

It happened in a split second from fully asleep to a silent, kinetic image, followed by being fully awake, though I did not open eyes for several moments.

I saw before me a golden bird cage covered with a mottled, purple silk scarf which was in motion, being pulled off in an instant. I could not see what was pulling the scarf upward.

During the instant, I saw a small creature jump or fall from the bottom of the cage, disappearing down out of view. It was the size of a small monkey, and seemed to be sort of like a monkey, though it was symbolic.

I immediately felt great hope for my sadhana, which has been so discouraging. "Thank you," I said to my Guru, over and over. "I needed this so much."

SYMBOLISM

It happened in between sleep and awake, when the mind is not conscious.

It happened so fast, there is no story. It just was.

It was instantaneous. There was no sadhana. No recipe of action.

I viewed it from outside of the cage. It was a communication via symbolism, rather than an experience.

INTERPRETATION

Recently, the freedom of my enlightenment seemed just in reach, then crumbled with the cycles of my wandering mind.

I just didn't know. Finally. Not even if there was anything to know.

Illusion will be removed all at once. I will see out of the cage. The ego will fall out of the cage.

What is next was not in the dream.


MORE

A couple of days ago I was wondering if it was difficult for my fish if I turned their lights off (put them to sleep) at completely different times every day.

Then I thought of the neighbor I once had who had a bird, and how birds go to sleep (become silent) when their cage is covered.

If my cage is uncovered, I will be awake.


I am so grateful. My sadhana is real. My enlightenment is real.

Quieting and disciplining my mind is a part of becoming steady and undistracted. I can shape my mind, forming it to see what I believe is to be real, liberation. But the mind is cyclable by nature. Whatever is, will eventually not be. It's a cycle.

My Guru has it well in hand. She has a plan.

Consciousness check

S H O R T

Guru, worship

I see the world from within myself, a transparent play

I see my attachments as illusion and futile, painful

I withdraw my senses, hold my shakti

I love my appetites, and slip off the hook

Shanti shanti shanti

Brahmacharini tapasya,
the unmarried version of Parvati

L O N G

Choose the world of the subtle body... inside... falling backward...

See the world from within...


Now, instead of concepts and story...

Breath, mantra... posture, subtle body...

Floating, meditation...

Love and worship and longing...


My Self, my Guru, Lord Krishna...

Mata Durga, Sree Parvati, Maa Brahmacharini

Paramashiva, who is Shree Kundalini at play...

Love and worship, longing and consciousness...

Now.

Brahmacharini tapasya to become one with Shiva

The beautiful consciousness

Horse pucky! How to make progress, what to do to call grace.... what to do. NO.

I need to master doing like I need a hole in the head.

I am, the Self is my truth, which I can feel at any time, because of grace, exquisite grace.

Someday-at any moment-I may become "established" in the Self, able to experience the truth in every moment.

I am a traveler in the beautiful consciousness of God, as me and as everything. My dance of bliss and travail offered to Lord Krishna is my treasure. I knew it years ago when I looked at my past with new eyes and realized it was all a precious strand of pearls with everything I ever wanted in it.

Passion, strength, being devoured, becoming again, crying with my soul, yearning and yearning for magic, for an awakened life.

I wanted an awakened life, which I am living now, in this moment.

This is my truth. This is what is true, the dance. And it only exists in now.

Bhumisparsha mudra

It is my birthright, my nature, to feel this bliss in every moment.

I can shake off these mistaken beliefs. I will not claim them. 

Now. The truth is where I stand.

In Buddha statues with the Bhumisparsha mudra, the Buddha, more specifically, the historical Shakyamuni Buddha is seen seated with his right hand as a pendant over the right knee reaching toward the ground with the palm inward while touching the lotus throne. In the meantime, the left hand can be seen with the palm upright in his lap. 

This gesture represents the moment of the Buddha's awakening as he claims the earth as the witness of his enlightenment. 

Just before he realized enlightenment, it is believed that the demon Mara tried to frighten him with the armies of demons and monsters including his daughters who tried to tempt him to get out of meditation under the Bodhi tree. While the demon king Mara claimed the throne of enlightenment for himself, his demon army claimed to be the witness for Mara's enlightenment. Mara then challenged Siddhartha about the witness. 

Then the former prince reached out his right hand to touch the earth as it is believed that the earth itself roared "I bear you the witness!" Hearing the roar from the earth herself, the demon king disappeared. The following morning saw the first appearance of the one who is awakened, the Buddha. Hence, it is believed that the Bhumisparsha mudra, or "the earth witness" mudra commemorates the Buddha's victory over the temptation by the demon King Mara.

burmese-art.com/about-buddha-statues/hand-positions/bhumisparsha-mudra

Everything I touch and see

I no longer feel torn between the world and my true destination.

I have said my goodbyes.

To myself, to everything I say hello.

Everything I touch and see is You. All of this is Your body. Sacred.

Zipruanna

Sri Zipruanna

One of the things Zipruanna is known for was that he sat on a pile of garbage.

Zipruanna sat on the garbage, the offal. It smelled awful. He was relaxed, steady. Unaffected.

I always thought he was showing his power. This is what you can have, I thought he was saying. You can be this accomplished. Aquire such strong siddhis.

Now I think differently.

I want to say that I now know what Zipruanna was saying, demonstrating.

Freedom, he was saying. I have become free. Nothing binds me or repels me.

You can have this freedom. You.

A soul must find its home

Nothing will stop me. Ego, delusion, fear, long frozen feelings, judgement, haughtiness, once mighty decisions (with or without a solemn oath).

I can wait. All this comes and goes. It will subside.

I love this.... more than my entire life, more than endless moments of constant identification and attachment. More than hope and good faith. More than story. My story. Many stories. Many lifetimes.

I love only this: my return. All of this will finally slip away, and I will be what I love. I will know myself well.

A soul must find its home.

Your eyes

Your eyes...

I want to jump into your eyes.

Journey with the light to where it lives in you.

 Google FeedBurner

Darshan

There is something of my own consciousness which I see in sadhu's eyes. The stuffing of life burned away, a pure consciousness is left, a lightness, a soul, a smile. Darshan of my Lord.

It is a spiritual attainment I have received as a gift from my guru and my own sadhana, the constant burning of years of believing that this story is happening to me.

Similarly, my life has always been outside of other's lives. I was mostly alone as a child. I developed an obsession with being with others. It was a happy day of freedom when I finally gave that up. Now I am like the sadhu (sadhini) who wanders, who belongs and lives inside, the inner world. 

I do not work, I am not married, I have no children. I have very little contact with my family. I have one true friend, and that is enough. It is a lot. There is no sangham here in Las Vegas. But there is an online sangham that I visit every day, one that is very active and so nourishing.

A sadhu in Nepal

Pashupatinath Temple

Photo poraschaudhary.com

Photo Pacific Press

Love

I see it clearly now. 

My guru is going to love me to death.

My guru is everywhere I look.

Vivekananda

I am having this, I want only this.

Equipoise. The Crest Jewel of DISCRIMINATION. There is nothing better.

When I feel emptiness, I find the center place, and I am filled. I am so happy, there is nothing better than running to the spring that never stops, that is never replaced.

There is nothing better.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

I receive Shree Vivekananda's darshan when I look at His photos.

Here

The shakti washes over me, I know my guru is thinking of me, sending me her grace in a special way that says... "you can start RIGHT HERE..."

The part that says, "catch up... try harder... do something different... or you'll never make it..." (to becoming established in the Self), that part is not helpful, not the way, it is in the way.

Start right here... the shakti says. Nothing else is real, including what my mind tells me about all this.

I find the center, where it is silent, no motion. HERE.

Follow the Shakti to Shiva

It is hard to explain in words where I am going, and how I await myself there.

Swami Lakshamjoo on the day of his
attainment of the Self, of Shiva

First off, I finally feel that realization is inevitable. I am spiraling into myself. I no longer hold on, invest in the play of maya. I smile, I am sad, it is all so beautiful, and it is passing away. Soon I will be with my Beloved. This is my last lifetime. It just is.

I know now why "moody" music has been my favorite all my life. It is the soundtrack of return to God, saying farewell, a poignant goodbye, a poignant hello.

Universal Shaiva Fellowship Bookstore

I realized today that kriyas aren't just purification, or even just communications from Shree Chiti Shakti. She is moving my body, and that is how everything is, really. Made from her, moving as her.

When I have a kriya, it is Shree Kundalini showing me, right now, that all of this is shakti, I am shakti, I am merging into Shiva. Where they are one, that is my true state.

A profound realization, experience. Follow the Shakti to Shiva.

Then I finally read my email from The Universal Shaiva Fellowship, with a commentary on verses from the Vijnana Bhairava. And there it was in the first stanza, where I'm at in my sadhana. (See next post, below, first paragraph).

"When you enter in the state of energy, and leave your individual state (you have not to enter in the state of energy for always), you have to throw off the individual state and enter in the energy to enter in the universal state in the end. Because unless you ignore, [throw] off, your individuality, universality will not rise, universality won’t take place." ~Swami Lakshmanjoo

This gave me chills. This is new, and it's real to me now. Every little realization, recognition, fills me with bliss. Sweet bliss.

Many times a day now, a little touch of grace reminds me, and I take a moment to concentrate, to follow my dharana into a new state, which lasts for up to a minute.

I slip back the half step into the me that is universal, blissful, and not identified with my ego or body, or place in time. All around me is supreme intelligence at play, a moving painting, painted with light, which is consciousness.

This is new, a new place I go... where the grace leads me. Guruji...

It is always grace, I know now. My ego tries to figure out how these "attainments" apply to me. No luck, not anymore. My mind starts to flutter, then I caress it back into place. Be still. Remain still.

How? It is always grace.

"No matter which intensity of Lord Shiva's grace is with you, it will carry you to His nature in the end." ~ Swami Lakshmanjoo

The path is Shakti, not Shiva

The path is Śakti (energy); the path is not Śiva. (Vijnana Bhairava verse 20-21)

This lecture is an excerpt from the Vijnana Bhairava: The Manual for Self Realization, verses 20-21, revealed by Swami Lakshmanjoo . . .

शक्त्यावस्थाप्रविष्टस्य
निर्विभागेन भावना ।
तदासौ शिवरूपी स्यात्
शैवी मुखमिहोच्यते ॥२०॥

śaktyāvasthāpraviṣṭasya
nirvibhāgena bhāvanā /
tadāsau śivarūpī syāt
śaivī mukhamihocyate // 20 //

When you enter in the state of energy, and leave your individual state (you have not to enter in the state of energy for always), you have to throw off the individual state and enter in the energy to enter in the universal state in the end. Because unless you ignore, [throw] off, your individuality, universality will not rise, universality won’t take place.

So you have to enter in the state of energy first, śakti avasthā praviṣṭasya; then afterwards yadā nirvibhāgena bhāvanā bhavet, when you feel that undifferentiatedness comes in your consciousness–undifferentiatedness between energy and the holder of energy–tadāsau śivarūpī syāt, at that very moment, this sādhaka, this bhāvanā [contemplation] becomes one with Lord Śiva.

So the path is Śakti; the path is not Śiva (śaivī means Śakti). Energy is mukham, the path is, iha, here,ucyate, explained. Energy is the real path you have to tread.

यथालोकेन दीपस्य
किरणैर्भास्करस्य च ।
ज्ञायते दिग्विभागादि
तद्वच्छक्त्या शिवः प्रिये ॥२१॥

yathālokena dīpasya
kiraṇairbhāskarasya ca /
jñāyate digvibhāgādi
tadvacchaktyā śivaḥ priye // 21 //

O dear Pārvatī, just like with the light of your candle or torch, dīspasya ālokena, by the light of your torch or candle, or by the rays of the sun, all the differentiated points of deśa, space, are known, are understood, in the same way Śiva is being understood by Śakti, by his energy. Energy is the means by which you can understand and enter in the state of Lord Śiva.

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37. The sense here is that this sadhaka (the aspirant) through contemplation with one-pointed awareness (bhavana) becomes one with Lord Shiva (Bhairava). [Editor's note]

(source: Vijnana Bhairava, by Swami Lakshmanjoo)

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