Sadgurunath

I'm burning such ick, existential pain and goo. I don't remember ever burning this layer before.

Just to breathe is painful, sound and light are jarring, everything would push me off my center if I was anywhere near it.

I'm defenseless. And the worst is coming at me. I open my arms, breathe. The purifying fire....

I remember feeling these feelings as a girl, and wondering why life was so horrible.

Mantra mantra mantra.......

I hear the divine little tinkly nada often throughout the day, and it helps me to relax and be comforted.

I know I am surrounded by, permeated by guru's grace.

Sadgurunath...

There is no doing with God

I do not try. There is no doing with God. I have understood this, that only grace can set me free, and God is grace, grace is God.

There is no doing with God.

I do not push myself to be more focused on God, wanting Him, seeking Him inside.

I have pushed and pushed, then gave up and gone wildly astray many times over. Karma... is done.

I feel IMMEDIATELY if I do something on the inside to seek God, to enhance my feelings about and experience of God. And I IMMEDIATELY stop.

This consciousness of doing arises in me, and offers me a ride. I do not move or speak, there is no reply. Rajas has arisen, and then it is dissolved. 

It is a falsehood that I ever do.

Once my sadhana was many acts of doing. Something to do until I stopped thinking I was doing.

I will only watch and listen for God. For God lives and moves inside me.  This is my sadhana. I await God's grace in each moment, and accept it. No thinking, no doing, no goals.

Doing means I must add something to perfection!

I KNOW that God is alive inside of me, and that there is nothing to do. Nothing. God doesn't need my help, or even my understanding. If and when I am taken into God is perfect. There is nothing I need to do to augment my devotion and worship, which at last is free from the clutching of ego. My devotion is my tapasya, the purifying fire, the constant thrill of my love soaring and settling, so beautiful to my beloved Shiva, who draws close. 

My being is rooted here, and tended to only by guru's grace in the garden of grace.

I am so peaceful.

Follows an excerpt from the Shivastotravali by Utpaladeva, as illuminated by Swami Lakshmanjoo (Universal Shaiva Fellowship) To be published soon

भक्तानां भवदद्वैत सिद्धयै का नोपपत्तयः
तदसिद्ध्यै निकृष्तानां कानि नावरनाणि वा   ॥१५॥

bhaktānām bhavadadvaitasiddhayai kā nopapattayaḥ  /
tadasiddhyai nikṛiṛṣtānām kāni nāvaranāṇi vā  //15//

Those who are Thy devotees, for those, if they want to achieve the state of God consciousness, for them, which is not the way? Even going astray also will lead them to God consciousness.

For whom?

Those who are Thy devotees. Those who are Thy devotees, for them, in achieving You, what are not the ways, what are not the paths to achieve that God consciousness?