The Tower tarot card

I am so confused.

It's Makar Sankranti. The long arc of the sun is slowing to a stop and beginning its journey back again.

It's like a Maha-Tower tarot card: energy shaken up and not yet in flow.

Pure gold

In this moment, the shakti wells up as bliss... and I remember the stories with sadhakas who sat and swayed in a state of bliss. I thought I was so far away from this state.

In this moment, this is my sadhana.

I have had a crisis for a few weeks. What is my sadhana? I thought it was to shape my consciousness with my will, to see and experience what is truth, and real.

But then I found that my mind crumbles and rebuilds itself. There will be no permanence there, no matter how strong my will.

Without the discipline, I have been thrashed around, undercut by fear, falling into whole caverns of dark confusion.

I threw out my goals. Becoming perfected in this moment doesn't work without a way to STAY perfected. And I am changing every moment. So confusing.

I need my guru's phone number!! No, she teaches me inside.

Well. What, what then? What is my path??


Today, I am swaying with the bliss that is bubbling up again.

In this moment, my path is bhakti. Bliss. I am being purified and transformed by bliss. It dissolves my mind. It dissolves my ego, the ever changing field of my being.

Slipping away...

This bliss, Mata Kundalini, is made of pure gold.

Together in joy

The bliss bubbles up from the springs of my being.

I was miserable when it stopped. I burned the sodden, the twisted, the torn and trampled. Days. Weeks. I lost all hope. Martin Luther. Mother Theresa. The crisis of faith, the days of spiritual dryness. I remembered them yesterday--sadhakas like myself--and today the hope has returned.

Now I know it when it comes, the bliss bubbling up, the fountain of eternal life, of God's love. A personal, inner grasping, liquid, we are falling together in joy. Eternally, like a fountain.

I finally understand, recognize. This spring is sacred and wild. It is the fundament of my being. I worship it as it frees me. I reach to it, and it is always there.

Lord Krishna peeks in and laughs. Ha ha, I was here all along, you silly goof!!

The path of bhakti is embodied by Mirabai
Painting by Raja Ravi Varma

Confidence is my constant

It's all love in motion.

Confidence replaces self-doubt and reprobation.

Confidence.... and I can open my eyes... and trust what I see.

And then I can feel.... the love.

LOVE comes in all the forms I love.

There is no division between myself and those forms.

I feel that ALL has the same heart. Everything is joined in the heart.

ALL reflects the golden sun rising from the horizon. My eyes are golden. My heart flies open.

Open.

I can only keep my heart open with CONFIDENCE.

All is One

God's light fills me up.

Within and without, it is continuous.

All is One.

God loves my journey

I try so hard to reach perfection, and it crumbles as easily as it is formed. My life is a big cycle of change.

I thought I should 'go around' life's obstacles to achieve the ultimate union.

Now I am starting to think that God as me right now is His pleasure, to continue from where I am, in whatever way I do, on my journey to God.

God loves my journey.

Layers

The less I try, the less I fill in, the more empty I become.... the greater the space for God.

The layers of "me" are melting away.

Stars wheeled

It doesn't matter what I do.

What a radical. What a subversive.

Lord Krishna is the OG anarchist.

Follow your dharma. It's something to do. So the karmas stop.

He whispered this in my ear once. No words..... just His breath. His state.

Stars wheeled.

Making things up

Whatever I notice. Whenever I am watching. My mind is deciding.

Whenever I am thinking, I am making things up.

Stop thinking.

Without a ripple

Screen cap from Natural Phenomenon Ambient Mix by Fluidified ~ permission pending

Obviously the truth is what's so. 

Not so obviously, it is also so what. 

~ Werner Erhard

I once thought that everything meant something.

The most essential belief, the most essential reason for all of my being and doing.

Now. Things just are. I let them be. I am still, with soft eyes. I have become a place, a moment... at my Guru's feet.

I let it all be.

I once strode forth each day to dance with all this, trying to use it to get somewhere. A formula. A trade off. Trade this for that and get ahead. Augment any feelings of meaning and spiritual progress. Try to hold on.

Disappointment when it all dissolves again. 

Collect the karmas. Start again at the first part of the cycle, where hope springs eternal.

I watch myself. I see my body now. It is temporary. Body and mind I flow as shakti formed. I am part of the play unfolding. I once thought that I was doing it, that all this was happening to me. 

Now. I am perfectly still, with eyes that expand with the rushing heavens, falling into Her without a ripple.

Things just are. I let them be.

Photo: public domain

Touch it

A river of grace flows to me. Touch it. It is real, it is all around me, through me.

She is the where, here. The moment, now.

Touch it. All around.

A river of grace flows to me.

Touch it.