The broken place

BACKSTORY: "My story" has had this amazing broken place in it. I tried all my life to find a fix, so I could find my way to others. I finally gave up, and have chosen to be alone. This has transformed my life, and I have written about it in the last few weeks. In this post I remember some of the elements to the story of the broken place.

I just remembered how much I hated trying to jam musically with other musicians when I was younger. I couldn't wait to stop, couldn't wait for it to be over. Every second was excrutiating. I wanted to RUN! away.

Also, when I took dancing lessons with my friend from church, I hated dancing with someone else. Same feeling, couldn't wait for it to stop and be over with.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

It occurs to me that these are concrete ways my inability to get close to others manifests. There is a line, and no one gets over it. No one. This feels like a permanent feature of who I am, not something I could ever change (though God could, of course).

I have noticed on occasion that if someone got too close, I would unconsciously push them back, (or stop the occasion somehow). Because it wasn't an "integrated" part of me, it often was cold or rude, in effect.

This has made me feel there is a part of me that is running things from out of sight. She lets me run the show until I threaten her, then she steps in and takes control for a moment. She is very smart. She can control all of me whenever she wants. She doesn't speak. Her language is action.

I tried to make up for this part of me by going to college for seven years. I tried a lot of different jobs, a lot of different places to make my home, crazy things. Destructive things.

When I was terrified as a teenager of leaving home and working, I think it was more than hating the adult world and how it made me feel. It was also a realistic assessment of my own capabilities that ran short of working and self-support.

The process of getting through that to a job I could tolerate (parts driver) was so painful.

All these elements came into focus at the same time.

The magic moment

The magic moment is that in which a 'yes' or a 'no' may change the whole of our existence. 

~Paulo Coehlo

Tinkly nada

I still have the distant, airplane on the tarmac nada all of the time. Now I have a more immediate and complex nada. I had it last night while laying in bed, then again this morning before arising.

Tinkles like chimes, only higher notes
and so divine as to be indescribable

I am having it right now (just turned the music off). It sounds like thousands of rippling golden tines being played gently but firmly in rounds of sounds like tinkling, but more fluid, rising and falling just slightly while being played... only a divine sound could be made this way.

I tune in, and more sprinklings of individual tines "singing" (?) become detectable. The entire "song" is kind of like a vigorous, but uniform wave of many notes overlapping and/or close to each other (on the scale).

That's the closest I can get to describing it, I think.

It is accompanied by a feeling of shakti "pressure" purification in my ears.

PS I am still so sick. I'm afraid I have bronchitis. I feel like I am dissolving away. Please.

Internal body

An excerpt from "Yoga and Short Shorts: A Revolution" by Amy Jirsa, published in Elephant Journal:

"A true yoga practice... is one in which you are focused on the internal body. And hey, guess what’s in there? Lots and lots of darkness. Demons. Lies. Self-delusion/hatred. Whatever you want to call it. A true yoga practice will stir those bad boys up and when that happens (and it will happen) you have two choices: you face them and breathe through the whole lot, or you give up and walk away."

This bit of gospel truth applies to all types of yoga, and most certainly to the experience of sadhana.

Part of my complete bliss now is that I need not defend myself from darkness and fear. This is a freedom that makes me... fearless. And the fearlessness makes facing fear (by experiencing it as consciousness) even easier, exhilarating even. It is a very powerful process that is dramatically changing my experience of "bad" emotions.

Offering distressing emotions to my Lord by opening to them as consciousness causes far less discomfort than my usual way of trying to deal with "disowned" emotions, which is trying to control them, wrestle them into a form I can deal with, and pushing as much of such feelings down and away as possible. These strategies of course mean I must always remain defended against these feelings.

And so, the courageous path immediately pays off. It is the less painful path. Brilliant.

So much better, now... I notice immediately when the fear begins, and instead of pushing it away, I turn to it and open to it as consciousness, as part of the divine chiti shakti, the dance of my Lord. It is a rush, a sudden river of dark fear flowing through my being, my heart and my gut, loose at last, dancing its way up to the stars and the universe, free again, free at last.

I can do this only because of the grace of my guru, who is one with the Supreme Guru, Lord Shiva. Om guru om.

Darshan

Lord Shiva and His beloved Parvati
(I love her sweet little feminine
snake jewelry)

I am beginning to suspect that my experiences of delicious darshan are more common than I thought.

When I meet people who are grooving on the spirit, who are simply happy, who like to share a moment with whomever they meet during their day, I think such people are having darshan. They just call it something else.

My ego wanting to compare myself to others in order to rate my attainment is ironically most likely the source of this realization. This experience of darshan feels very special because it is. God (as atma, small self) enjoys darshan of the divine in many forms. Not just that fleeting, wind in the treetops, just out of reach kind.

But there are a lot of times I have heard about people feeling that the purpose of life is a mysterious power that they can almost touch, but not quite. [I have since learned that this is anava mala].

Perhaps this is all a lot of different ways that God experiences longing to remember who He is, and how to return to Himself.

(Or maybe it is hard to describe past a certain point to people who aren't aware of realization yet? Unless you're a teacher or guru.)

I have thought of realization as a path you are either on, or not on. Any time not on the path takes away from becoming realized. A very Mormon, check marks on the right tablet (somewhere) kind of idea.

My Beloved Lord Paramashiva

Really, I think we're all on the path to realization. Perhaps some reach it without even knowing that's where they're headed. God can experience it very many ways.

I love my way! God and I are just enough "apart" to rub shoulders and purrrrrrrr. We are so in love!! 

My Paramashiva, my Shiva I love You, we are the most royal of royalty, the highest high court of lovers.

Because You are my Shiva... I am Your Parvati. Forever.

Be mine, my Beloved. I am coming to You in your sweetest dream of me.

Ah, this intoxication makes me swoon with my love for You...

Footsteps of the ancients

The stars do not look bigger, but they do look brighter.
~Sally Ride, NASA Astronaut

God, I can push the grass apart and lay my finger on Thy heart.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Do not simply follow in the footsteps of the ancients; it is not enough... Seek what they sought. ~RavenCrow

Three schools of Vedanta

Here is a useful quote about the different schools of Vedanta. Vedanta is the oldest religious tradition in India, and is in some form or forms a part of virtually every philosophy or school. Hindus call Hinduism the Sanatana Dharma (Eternal Way or Religion). Hinduism is a unique combination of philosophy and religion, and agreeing or disagreeing about anything doesn't mean we don't share Gods, scriptures, rituals, holidays, art and anything else that's important. Hinduism is a vast shining array of historical and living light, a light that also shines in and through Buddhism, Sikhism, Jainism, Sufism, and more. 

Jyoti, or light. c 18th century tempura in gold

"According to the three schools of Vedanta there are three relationships between God and the individual. The dualistic school looks upon man as a soul, and God as the supreme Person, eternally different from man. According to the qualified monistic school, God is the supreme Person and the repository of all auspicious qualities. Individual souls are parts of God, even as sparks of fire are parts of fire. God is the Soul of souls. According to the non-dualistic school, the individual and God are identical in their divine essence; nothing exists other than Brahman. Everything else is illusory like a mirage on the desert, vanishing on the dawn of Knowledge." ~ from Vedanta.ru

The path within

I had a thought that each soul reaches the attainment they seek, that is their heart's desire. I have read that in (much or all of??) Buddhism, and for some seekers, release into the void is the ultimate choice of their heart. 

Shri Devi (Goddess) and the Trimurti

(Brahma left, Vishnu center, Shiva right)

For me, that sounds, well, awful. To seek that would be to extinguish my eternal Paramashiva in a poof! followed by nothing. Oh no!!!!! My heart is horrified.

Perhaps what I find liberating would be a part of the entanglements and snares others release to find and experience the true freedom of liberation. 

Perhaps an offering to the fire, and the liberation obtained by this offering, is the same process for everyone, and not dependent on the "details" in each heart. It's the process inside, and the path each of us find that calls uniquely to us.

I also believe there are mysteries behind mysteries. Shiva doesn't skimp on mystery! (Delicious fun!!)

What suits me, my heart, my soul is to find God as My Beloved everywhere and in everything. As a seeker, this is the path my feet have finally found. Through the grace of my guru, it is the path already inside of me, waiting in my heart.

Bliss.

Happens to me

LIFE HAPPENS
How often I think back on a moment with my friend from the ashram, a great devotee and yogini. 

One day as we were relaxing together outside of seva, she made this momentous (for me) observation:

"I am beginning to think that none of this ever happens to me..."

"There is always a princess..." Bram Stoker's Dracula

I was stunned. Where was she when life was "happening?"

I think of that now as I notice a change in how I experience fear. In practice, fear can be a helpful wake up call. But the fear that "I" can be damaged or killed is false. 

When fear begins, when it jumps up and starts to "flag" me down, I notice it, I look at it. I notice it trying to "crash" my state, to pull me down for a "roadside" conference regarding consequences I must control or avoid.

And I view and experience the fear as consciousness. My guru's grace allows me to do this. Fear is completely benign, divine... since it is made of the consciousness of My Beloved, who is Shiva. My fear has the power to cause suffering only when I worship it as God (truth). 

Of course, forgetting I am God was a part of the journey back to God, to Self. All is well.

And so, today when I think of my friend's simple observation, it occurs to me that I have broken through the magic of maya (illusion) just enough to recognize everything as consciousness, including fear. I have realized that none of this is "happening to me."

I believe that no amount of effort or merit on my part would have brought me to this level of "attainment" without the grace of my guru. Om guru om. 

Indian students in Calcutta covered in colored powder during
celebration of Holi, the Hindu festival of colours
Photo: Diby Angshu Sarkar/AFP/Getty Images

THE BELIEF IN SUFFERING
Once, someone said these words: "...(when we) believe in suffering." Again, I was stunned. Suffering IS. Why would it make any difference if I stopped believing in suffering? This seemed, just, silly... Worse it seemed insensitive to the amount of suffering in the world. But I got just a little hint of the larger meaning, as applied on a personal level. If you didn't believe in suffering... did it really happen to you? Hmmmm.... That was as far as I got, at first.

For me, to not believe in suffering means I don't believe "I" suffer, to no longer think of myself as this body, and this mind. I identify with Shiva, who experiences but does not suffer. I view my "suffering" as consciousness, the dance of divine shakti, who is giving the experience of being "me" and subject to pleasure and suffering.

Similar to fear, I experience and see suffering as consciousness. I am more and more established in Shiva, who created the illusion of suffering through the magic of maya, and now is taking himself back through me. This makes the freedom of realization a delicious participation in the game of my Beloved. For me.

Krishna and Radha's love affair was very "outre." They met in the forest(!), at night(!), without a chaperone(!!) They had to overcome unique obstacles. Although they grew up together, He was a God, and she was a gopi (cow herd). Krishna was the favorite of all the gopis, and this sometimes led to painful jealousy on Radha's part. But, even if she felt hurt and wanted to withdraw, she always chose to go to her great love, Krishna.

THE POWER OF MAYA
I remember a story about an ancient sage or god who asked Shiva(?) to explain maya. Since he wasn't at the effect of it, he could not understand it. He was warned of the mighty power of maya, that even he would be subjugated by its magic. He decided to give it a try anyway.

Down the spout into the jivan house called a body he went. He forgot who he was. He thought he was this little being in this certain place. He married, had children. He was joyful. He suffered. Lives came and went. Finally he found his way back (attained beyond maya through remembering, a very Kashmir Shaivism story element). Wow. That maya is some powerful, well, you know...

This story taught me how powerful maya is. It takes a solid game plan to forget you're God. This isn't left at all to chance. And it takes a solid game plan to get back.

And so, I have come to a place where I can honestly say that, more and more, everyday, I no longer believe in suffering.

Darshan

When I look through the images on my blog, I have darshan, I am filled with bliss, with God's love.

When I read about Shiva, Shaivism, and the yearning for God I have darshan.

This is a way to support my state, my experience and attainment. It is, literally, to follow my bliss.

Lucky me, I am feeling like a complete beginner at intimacy with God. Besides the obvious challenges... I think I have worshiped and loved the idea of God.

Now, when I think of God, and feel His bliss and love enclose me, I am in direct relationship with Him. "Hello," I can say, for He lives in my being, and I live in His. It is a very different kind of intimacy.

It's like, I knocked at Heavenly Father's door as a child, and he received me immediately in his "parlor," a place he made to receive my yearning and prayer. A place about me, but not really about Him.*

But now, God is my place. I open to Him as reality, and know Him, in his "mind," where I am made and exist. No door to knock on, unless I put it there.**

God, I am learning how to speak to You with my heart. I wobble. If I am flippant, it feels disrespectful. I say thank you A LOT. Everytime the bliss bubbles back up when I seek you, I say thank you.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

*An important aspect of Mormonism is the belief that God has a physical body. If he were here, he would either have to veil himself, or he would be visible. The spirit which touches inside to communicate God's message and convey his blessings is a spirit who does not have a body (as God and Jesus do). In Mormonism, all can become divine, and eventually become God, an advanced spiritual belief. But it is dualistic in that evil arose and has been championed by Lucifer, and all must choose. Evil that does not come from God, but rather from freedom of choice, another advanced spiritual belief. To choose against God and goodness is evil.

**In a previous post I noted that I didn't think of my soul as something that changes. Now I am in a Hindu context, where my soul-being is purified and merges with God. In Mormonism, the "changes" to be made are in the tally sheet (which exists somewhere outside of me) of whether I am worthy of heaven. In Mormonism, the content of my relationship with God changes, and the feeling of closeness which would be cultivated change, but these are qualities of the "now" which would come and go. In Hinduism, closeness is an aspect of my being which is both cultivated and given through grace. It changes when I change, and I change when it changes. Perhaps Mormonism is this way too, and I just didn't get it. I just know that, for me, feeling "closer" to Shiva is very different from the feeling of "closer" to Jesus and to Heavenly Father.

No fear

I don't want my fear to get in the way of my love affair with God.

God please remove my fear, please hold me close and let me relax into you, My Beloved.

(Ahhh... bliss.........)