Shiva, Paramashiva, Krishna, Vishnu, Lakshmi, Ram, Kali Durga, Ganesha, Buddha, Quan Yin, Jesus, Heavenly Father... My Beloved

It seems so obvious now. But Vishnu and Paramashiva are the same. And Krishna is an incarnation of Vishnu (and Shiva of Paramashiva). I was so confused about these three, which came from the impurity of my mind. 

I couldn't reconcile these concepts. They couldn't all be experienced at the same time, which was difficult when reading the Gita, or deciding whether to pray to Shiva or Krishna, and thinking they were different. 

Blissful chanting of the Vishnu Sahasranam brought darshan with Krishna? Vishnu? Paramashiva??

And what about the grove, the boy Joseph, the two personages?

There was a point where I finally found inside the experience that all of the forms of God are Paramashiva. The divisions between religions and deities have finally melted away. Everywhere I look I recognize, love and worship my Beloved. 

Even in the grove. It was all Paramashiva. No more or less true because of it.

When I read the Gita, I am reading the words of the Vedantic Vishnu as Krishna, and his teachings regarding Brahman. The commentary is that of the Shaivist Saint, Jnaneshwar. 

Mischief! I slip past the beloved Vedantic and Shaivist Gods for the One in my heart.

The ultimate God I call Paramashiva. And there is nothing but Paramashiva, and nothing that is not. 

Paramashiva is my Beloved. Shiva is my Beloved. Vishnu is my Beloved. Krishna is my Beloved. The Supreme Guru is my Beloved.

Lakshmi, Ram, Kali-Durga, Ganesha... Buddha, Quan Yin... Jesus, Heavenly Father... a few of the many thousand names of my Beloved.

God is my Beloved.

Still God

No more bliss, no silent stillness. I tried to get it back, my mind turning over and around... where did it go?

My ego couldn't care less. Pshaww.

Don't give up. Don't give up! Do I really have to get pulled under again by the endless undertow of maya, through the churned up eddies of my mind's fearsome, water sign whirlpool before coming back to try again? No... please no.

Don't give up.

Return to me, God is calling
And my heart answers
Yes, yes, I am here
Call me home
Only You
Only You

When I listen to the Azans (Adhans), I am drawn back to the place of stillness. And when I read bits of Shaivist or Buddhist thought, I will read a certain part and drift into the center place. (For some reason this tends to happen when I am smoking, which is perplexing... hard to go for head leaning forward meditation with a burning cigarette in my hand).

And I thought, some things draw me inward to God. Maybe that's what will help me to find and become established in that place, is seeking out the things which evoke it, instead of trying to pull myself there with my mind. Sometimes I can, but if I can't, don't panic. It's okay to need something to help shift my experience from samsara to God. Um, ya.

I am still so so so happy to have finding and being my Beloved inside be the purpose of my life, of every day!!

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

When I went to coffee, I could see immediately that I was different. Much more centered and held within, no shakti spewing or futile chasing of social connection. But when I opened my mouth the same old ego-driven drivel came out, only a lot more shaky! I could hardly put a sentence together.

And I sat there, a moment of profound reassurance. I have changed, I have really changed. It is real, my life has been transformed. I have turned away from all the goals I had about this life, and now focus on my inner experience of God, and seeing God in all that is around me (which always makes me giggle).

I already had a spiritual practice with many many hours of work, many lifetimes of karma burned. But I was still trying to grasp at samsara, still invested in playing the game of maya. No more. I have finally given up. As a sadhini, I have finally moved on from this world. Its touch upon me is smaller than a finely ground grain of sand. That is all it has ever been, but I created much more in myself about that tiny tiny touching place.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

At the meeting I shared about Don's visit, and there was a lot of shakti in my share. Afterwards, I was reminded of how Elaine (counselor) described how I "lit up" when talking about military aircraft. I made a note to try sharing from that place, if I can find it.

I do get all excited about certain things. Why not share that? A great way to get past my mind "trying" to share.

Finding the path

Each direction I seek, grasping for the path, fearing I am now lost in the darkness and all will suddenly fall away beneath me. Fear. My darshan of God is not there. I grasp at a tiny reflection at the edge of samsara. 

My ego can only reach as this, cannot absorb the delicious mystery of all.

To learn the new dance I must first become still... and learn how to learn.

Not the right combination of inner moves. 

Not the hated compulsive organization and sequence of external moves.

Not the right combination of whatever fear is not.

It's here. I sink into it when there is no play.

The only play left is the bliss of my Beloved returning to Himself. To focus on anything else is to dress this dish of the sweetest nectar with shards of coconut shell.



Photo: Mirage Fighter Jet, French Air Force (may not be reproduced without attribution)

The life of a seeker

I have become a seeker. Before I was a seeker of remedies, of escape, of grasping and rejection. Now I seek truth. 

With new eyes I seek what is known about my choice to devote my life to the path of a sadhini. I am attuned to common threads between my own experience and what I read about Buddhist and Hindu knowledge of the path to God.

Still, it is not study or a "do." My path is immediate experience and jnana.

Extreme sport

I am wobbly, plagued with fear 
and a tilting, grasping mind. 

I am learning, a beginner at 
the extreme sport of God at play.

Delicious darshan

Bruce Munro, Field of Light

Of course. When I have been
slipping out of maya and 
into the blissful silence, 
I have been having Darshan, 
(a spiritual experience).

If I'm a sadhini, that means I...

If I'm a sadhini, that means I...

• must limit my animal consumption
• must quit smoking
• must meditate for long periods twice per day
• must keep my house clean
• must keep my body fit
• must limit computer time
• must have more quiet time (less music time)
• must wash my hair more often
• must limit my caffeine consumption
• must purify my mind of fear and instability

ACK I cannot stand to listen to my MIND create even one more MUST!! I want to throw-up.

O my mind, take thy rest.
O my mind, take thy rest.
O my mind, take thy rest.

Shanti, shanti, shanti.

Om.

Breathe into the bliss

Breathe into the bliss. Breathe.

Space

There

is

nothing

to

hold

on

to

Ego and doing

My ego is wrestling with this new place. My mind is trying to sort it out, create an action plan for staying in it. My mind wants to do stuff. And my ego wants to compare, classify, take credit.

Stop. I place my head on my Guru's feet, my state offered to hers. I am astounded by the gift of her boundless grace. Thank you thank you my heart opens thank you.

I am still, and look around at my Self, the magic of Maya. I see as Paramashiva, silent, profoundly still. Our bliss comes and goes. Perfect.

Turning within at last

What makes today so different from a few days ago... a week ago, or two.......

I have turned at last to The Lord. I have turned after all my years, all my lifetimes, turned to Him and away from "The World." I do not reject the world. I simply do not seek my heart's desire there. The most fundamental change possible has happened in a few weeks time.

I am so full of joy! I have searched and searched all my life. I have tried so many ways to try to fit into a part of this world. Going towards, then away from living as this or that, here or there.

Be gone, illusion!

That which is real, and true... that I can have and be, is Paramashiva. My Lord, my true Beloved. I am returning to my Self. 

Such an exquisite moment, remembering who I am, and letting go of this play, where I have been born, and loved, and died again and again. A very long story... all in less than one tiny sliver of a second.

This moment and reality is not an idea, a philosophy, a new goal or place to reach out for. It is not a "do," nor is it "outside" of my being. It is what I have really been seeking: the truth, fully realized, here all the time. My true nature, here in my consciousness, my Self.

Ah, Karsh Kale just came on, the wonderful song (Milan) from Liberation.