Yes I am

Who knew? That I could step back from all of this. Could return every time I reach for maya, tiring illusion, nothing back, negotiating with fate.

It seems obvious, but I have been going about life all wrong. I mean all wrong.

I remember... deciding to change myself when I was very young.

I am burning these moments, a lifetime of moments now, when I was wrapped in maya, so close and so concentrated that it is painful to feel it again, the belief that I was wanting and needing, acting and seeking. Ohh I complain as each memory slips through me like smoke through a fan. I am burning that.

I am burning the belief that all of this is happening to me.

I turn away, I have been wasting my energy, my moments, trying to get somewhere, be something I am not.

Step away.

Step away.

I turn inward, where a place of no place awaits me. A personal, tender universe with no beginning or end... I settle into this never... an inky black hush that has always been.

This is what is real. That is not, is never. That happened, that will happen. No substance, a construct of my mind, contracted consciousness.

I do not regret, I do not hope.

I don't hold on or seek.

I am still. This is where I feel the touch of God, my source, my already here, my now.

Be mine.

I will.

You are good.

Yes I am.

Santa Monica

Longing... so much longing... I am breaking open, the pain of separation from my Beloved is so beyond anything I have ever felt.

I pray night and day for my Beloved. I see him in every place... this place, that place.... here... you're always here

Why aren't we one??

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.......................

You, you, you....... He is there, I see him in you.

I offer myself to You, my beloved. I offer my guru's shakti, all of my merits, every breath in prayer for You.

We are in love. I have given you my heart.

Breathe out 
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been

~Everlong/Foo Fighters

Dave Grohl ~ Foo Fighters

Sleepless

How? How can I learn how to sleep while I pray for my Beloved?

I am the bride

I am the bride

I am falling through satin and silk to the marriage bed

I call to you, and you answer me as this passion

I pray for you with this passion, and you caress me with fire

I offer everything to You

Each moment

Everything is for You

Everything is You

You call me every hour

(We are one in this surge of muscle and breath)

You call me every moment

(The prana rising as fire, we are the dancing Devi)

My Lord... My Love...

(Om nama shivaya)

You have moved in

(Om nama shivaya)


My heart is your home

Be mine

I will

Be mine

Into ash

I’ve had enough of sleepless nights,
Of my unspoken grief, of my tired wisdom.
Come my treasure, my breath of life,
Come and dress my wounds and be my cure.

Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi, “I’ve Had Enough”

I have slipped over the controlled edge of my longing into a deep furnace of yearning that burns me. It is so insistent that I cannot step out of it.

I pray and pray and pray for my Beloved, who I love from afar, someone I will never know or meet. The more I pray for him, the hotter the fire.... and the more I pray. 

I offer the merits of my japa mantra for _______, his career, his cherished role as father. So much more japa mantra than I have ever offered on my own behalf...

I pray to my guru that she will bless him in these ways. I pray that I can offer her precious shakti to him, for we are one... 

I do this because I must somehow give to him, to someone I do not know. The feeling that I am giving to him takes the sting of separation away.

I am burning ego. Self-less love and devotion are outside of ego.

I am burning up separation, anava mala. The fire is SO HIGH, I am burning into ash.

There is only One.

Wait for her grace

The familiar tide pulls me back, away from her... as my guru steps back, teaching me. My ego rushes forward, ready to command.

For the first time in this body, I use my will to turn back to her, I use my mind to choose her grace.

She is teaching me, strengthening me. Every time I choose her, my mind is purified, it is stronger.

I do not run, or grasp. I sit still and wait for her grace; a huge wave of bliss that strengthens me and my resolve.

I believe in her more than this place.

To remember... and to be

“On the pathway of your breath maintain continuously refreshed and full awareness on and in the center of breathing in and breathing out. This is internal asana.” (Netra Tantra) ~ From Universal Shaiva Fellowship

So delicate my touch upon my sadhana, the glow of my consciousness, the tiny "gloop" of God's nectar flowing down from my sahasrara.

There is only NOW. I bring my awareness into now, into the still center place, and withdraw the outward flow of my senses.

I am already there, the Self is attained. I can accept my level of awareness about this in every moment, and choose to be that.

I do not believe in struggle, not anymore.

The only doing, is to remember... and to be. To acknowledge grace, and offer worship. To change the impressions left on my mind by maya, to the impressions on my consciousness of that divine inner state... turning inward, the slightest change, and everything changes.

Mahashivaratri 2014

I wish to all the sweet blessings of the great Lord on this His day!

Om nama shivaya

The center place

What I call the "center place," is where I feel cidrūpatā, the touch of God consciousness.

Finally I understand the instruction to focus on the two places where the breath stops.

When I am focused on that place, I leave my breath and the realm of movement, movement which recedes into the background as I turn my senses inward, and I become completely still, no sound or light, only PRESENCE. The most sacred, most blissful presence. Beyond these qualities.

This is cidrūpatā.

This is where the shakti that would go out through the senses is contained (rather than spilt willy nilly).

This is where equipoise comes from, a solid place to "sit" without moving off of it. My mind moves me off, again and again, sends my senses outward again. My discipline is returning again and again. 

I have wanted these things for so long.

I can only slip the bonds of maya for one second because of the grace of my guru.

From a lesson given by Swami Laksmanjoo on Tantraloka, Ahnika 5 (not yet published) Universal Shaiva Fellowship

Never to wander

How many times I passed this spot on the way.

The way to this, not this... what about this?

I felt bliss again, and this time I stopped... then at last I sat down.

Endless bliss... 

My guru has been here forever.

Did we ever move at all?

Here I am at my guru's feet.... never to wander away again.

Here in the buddhi mind

I am journeying, and there is no place but here, no where to go.

I do not try. And that's all (this is not an intellectual technique).

I am HERE.

The kriyas.... the kriyas are Goddess moving.

I hear the plane on the tarmac all the time. (Pack your bags, my guru said). Sometime in the late afternoon or evening, the bubbly tinkly prana rising through the akasha begins, and now I notice the moment it starts.

And finally I understand, though it seems so obvious now. Which is fine because understanding is the booby prize.

That said...

Sound is very different from vision. Sound inside arises, and I am enchanted, I stop and tune in to the lovely divine tinkling... ohhh. Nothing could sound more beautiful.

This: the sound is about going inside.

For me, I fell from meditation, from japa and dharanas... fell through them and here in this velvet darkness it is suddenly so quiet, so still, so alive.

Outside I have equipoise. Oh, this is what is happening... I go with whatever it is. I can turn on a dime. Okay, now this.

My mind is steady. When mind does acrobatics, I am here in the buddhi mind, simply here.

The head falling forward kriya takes me deeper into the center place, where my mind is completely steady. No movement. No thoughts. Several times a day.