The most essential belief, the most essential reason for all of my being and doing.
Now. Things just are. I let them be. I am still, with soft eyes. I have become a place, a moment... at my Guru's feet.
I let it all be.
I once strode forth each day to dance with all this, trying to use it to get somewhere. A formula. A trade off. Trade this for that and get ahead. Augment any feelings of meaning and spiritual progress. Try to hold on.
Disappointment when it all dissolves again.
Collect the karmas. Start again at the first part of the cycle, where hope springs eternal.
I watch myself. I see my body now. It is temporary. Body and mind I flow as shakti formed. I am part of the play unfolding. I once thought that I was doing it, that all this was happening to me.
Now. I am perfectly still, with eyes that expand with the rushing heavens, falling into Her without a ripple.
How strange it is that others seem to progress via sadhana from illusion to perfect form--the goal of sadhana--while I progress from form as illusion to the perfect chaos of all forms in One.
I feel, I dance. Only now.
I fall apart, fall to earth, lost again, conquered by what is most petty, ego's sure advance, retaking all ground.
Then it starts again, the perfect dance, with no form, spontaneous, coming up from within.
I don't need to know anything at all, except the bliss, the divine that transcends "in" and "out."
The continuum is not divided in any way.
God is so close, there is no gap between us. The energy of all holds my consciousness as we dance.
My mind is poised at all times to fixate on ways to be that are fulfilling and spiritual, or even just very alive. No more of the emptiness that has filled most of my life. This was my life's goal.
My mind is always searching, always ready. It is motivated beyond all things to try to shape all of my activities and thoughts into a new life, one that is consistent, that doesn't require struggle and effort to avoid collapsing back into the emptiness, the waiting.
I want to have, to be. Not feel lack and emptiness. I will trade everything else for this, my entire life. I bargain with life. "I will give up everything just to have this one thing."
This part of me is restless. If something good happens, my mind steps right in. "How can I do this all the time? How can I structure it into my life?" My mind is like a snapping turtle, ready to grab on and not let go for anything.
This is the opposite of freedom. It is illusion. It gets in the way, because I allow my mind to chase what I am absorbing in the moment, trying to make it permanent. Poof, the goodness detected disappears. I can be sitting listening to a profound talk about prana on YouTube, and I can't hear it anymore because my mind steps in. "I need to find a master like this, to sit at their feet, to learn, to ask and to learn. I could do that, I wonder if there are any in Las Vegas. I should start searching right now to find out..."
Meanwhile, I am not listening. I only made it about 2 and 1/2 minutes into a ten minute talk.
"The Relationship between Prana & Sound" - A Talk by Swami Satchidananda
