The watcher

I rejected the world, I turned away. The burden of illusion fell, the burden of thinking I was holding it all up.

I rejected the world, I turned away.

I walked away, I stopped being attached to it all, how things turned out. I am not afraid that any of it can hurt me, can touch me at all.

But now I turn back... and there is nothing to shun. I am perfectly still inside, and all of of this is the intelligence of God.

I am done with my part in that play. I am the watcher. It is all consciousness.

Swirl

All around me, the things I thought were important, the things I thought were me.

They slip off and I am left with the bliss, the mysterious wonderful sensual swirling bliss.

There is nothing bigger or different from... me.

Love

I see it clearly now. 

My guru is going to love me to death.

My guru is everywhere I look.

Out of the way

I felt you tap on my shoulder last night. Like that time before, that time a preparation for this time, I see.

I recognize that tap.

It is possible I am going to have a relationship with the visible form of the guru.

It doesn't matter.

For the first time in my life, in my sadhana, I am out of the way. I am out of the way of grace. I feel it start in some delicious way, and COMPLETELY RESIST the lifetime habit of grasping the start of it, moving it, augmenting it, making the most of it....

... and by doing that, make it as small as my little ego, tapering out, gone.

The answer is not learning how to grasp it better, longer, farther.

The answer is here. It is this.... watch, be, simply remain where I am, along for the ride. I have finally learned what I must know to accept grace.

It turns out that the real answer is all the work I have done to get to this place, where I can finally let go of "augmenting" and controlling the forces of my life.

I got out of the way.

Bliss

So so so so so.... much bliss.

Art by B.G. Sharma

Guruji

I love The Beloved as many things.

The guru is the wish-fulfilling gem, the wish-fulfilling tree. I prayed to my guru over and over, every day...

Please my Guru, give _________ the role of his dreams, the project of his heart's desire. Let him stretch creatively as an artist, and be fulfilled by his work. Let him work on a movie or TV series that sends his career to new heights, the heights he desires and deserves as a successful actor (who is also a person of color).

When I prayed, my yearning to give to another (The Beloved) was so strong...

Then one day I felt inside a sudden change, the certainty that she had said yes, she was letting me know that she would, so I could have certainty.


And... he got a part in one of the most amazing projects imaginable, very creative and prestigious, and I am so so so happy! I keep looking at my pic of my guru next to my desk and hugging her feet inside, my heart surges to her.


I am so happy. This means A LOT to me. I must give to my beloved somehow. I MUST.... for that is what love means and does.

Thank you thank you thank you guruji.

Steady

I keep my mind steady, I bring it back to the center over and over. Not a lot of words for the work. Focus my mind, hold the shakti. My mind cannot slip out anymore, I notice my ego reaching, every time. I notice if my shakti slips from the center, and I steady myself.

Steady, steady.

Suddenly I am burning something(s) horrific, for hours and days! My car might need major work, they raised the rent again... the kind of stuff that fills me with anxiety and dread.... and I embrace these feelings, almost impossible... but I do it, over and over. Because I can see that my guru is burning the huge stuff, AND I WANT TO BE FREE.

Internal work

I notice when my ego arises suddenly, stepping up to take credit for an accomplishment large or small. It is a discipline that I have now, combined with grace. I notice and watch my ego arise without jumping aboard.

Truth be told, my ego is really a pest.

When my mind wants to follow something "difficult" into the past (thinking about it as if it is still present), I have the grace to step away from this old impulse, to stay in the present.

I have had a discipline for a long time now, years I think, where every time I feel hopelessness or self-hatred arise inside, I turn slightly until this feeling goes away.

This is my sadhana. It is internal work. I challenge the samskaras, and grace is dissolving them.

I think my part is that I maintain a steady place inside, my equipoise. Every day a little more firm, more far-reaching. A place for these forms of consciousness to arise in, so I can partake of that steadiness, forming the habit of letting these old habits flow past, as they arise and dissolve.

I don't discuss any of this with anyone. I am not thinking about it, or waiting for it to happen.

This is my sadhana. It's not something I really need to write about, so my posts have become very intermittent. I do want to mention it, because my seva includes sharing my sadhana in this blog.

Be happy, reader. All is well.

This is my sadhana.

My place in your heart

I'm still wandering out here, God.

You were these walls, the bed that held me. Now I am empty, I hold nothing.

Peaceful I moved then, as if your hand had made me. Now I'm old and crunchy; there is no relief for my condition. There is no relief.

God, I cannot even pray. I can finally speak on a page, and think I must send it somewhere for you to receive my words.

This is life. I accept this place of contraction. It is part of what happens here. Until it doesn't.

Acceptance is what I can do. Acceptance brings me back to your heart, my place in your heart.

My Beloved.

It is grace

526 “And when you have diverted your mind towards Me always, in each and every action of the world, sarva durgāṇi matprasādā, all your difficulty will be vanished altogether by My grace, not by your action. By My grace, all your difficulties will be over, finished.” ~ Bhagavad Gita audio, Universal Shaiva Fellowship archive (emphasis mine)

"Hesiod and the Muse"
by Gustave Moreau

When I am having a spiritual experience, I have always tried to claim it as attainment.

Finally I understand. Whatever "success" I have in my sadhana is mine by grace only. I don't think, "oh, grace has helped me to attain this." I no longer believe my ego when I think, "oh, _________ happening at last means I am adept at such and such attainment, I am progressing, soon I will have everything."

How many times I have heard other yogis say, (and have said to myself), "you don't quite understand, I am really getting somewhere..."

That is the ego taking credit for attainment. "All my efforts as a sadhaka are paying off in such an amazing way!"

As usual, the excerpt in my inbox from The Universal Shaiva Fellowship has to do with this very thing.

Beloved Lord Krishna promises that focusing on him, and drawing his grace, will vanquish all difficulty by his grace, not by my action.

What does this mean? It means that when I am having the spontaneous "head falling forward" meditation several times a day, I am the recipient of this as grace. When my ego notices, and says, "my, we must be a really good yogi, one who will be realized soon!" I notice this and smile.

It is ALL grace. All of it, always. I love and worship the Lord. He loves me back, and I am the recipient of his boundless grace. Grace by its very nature is not earned or stored up. 

It is grace.

PS My helpful ego has decided that learning this very "high" lesson is a sign of my attainment. 

Only One

Someone stole $100 dollars from me. I watched it unfold, and by the time I realized it, my money was theirs.

Mentally I was calm. I made a note how to avoid this in the future. It's over with and I've moved on.

Physically and emotionally, I rode a HUGE pile of karma that burned up in me in less than a day, pure feeling. What a ride.

Slicked off that karma in one grand motion.

There is only One.