Contracted

Lately I have been feeling so contracted. I was "in the soup." I would think about it in the usual way, with a lot of fear: I messed it all up. My constant spiritual ecstasy and attainment is over.

To go with this thinking is to believe in suffering (my personal "saying" about thinking life is happening to me... along with my other fav: "Gettin' mauled by the malas..." lol).

Then... I wasn't (getting mauled ~ hey I see a pattern here). I was back at being uplifted by my love for God, of wanting to do whatever I can to experience and to grow my love and worship of and belonging to God in this moment. O delight!

Letting go means not identifying with a turn in "the story," not trying to control... and sliding back and forth and around more fluidly. Less stuck in the groove of samskara, sooner back in the feeling of grace, nothing lost.

"You get there by realizing you have been there all along."  ~Eckhart Tolle

The happy ending hasn't left. It has been here all along.

Waikiki Hawaii

The Self watches, but is perfectly still. When I identify as the seer, rather than the seen, I partake of this perfect stillness. It is the place of being, of pure grace.

Only grace

Grace like a wave scoops me up
(I need only move towards
my destiny)

Wow. I can see more clearly the opportunity here: To stop pushing!

(Not just, well this is cool I'm learning about this...)

The wages of pushing (extreme rajas) are immobility (tamas, which is the other extreme). The wages of one extreme are the other extreme; an all or nothing life of extremes.

Not only that, but pushing, trying, going for it, doing my best for my own actions to create what I want... is based on thinking "what is" is wrong or not enough, and even worse, thinking that I can mess it all up by not doing "it" right.

("It" is realization, enlightenment, established in the Self).

This is one of the most amazing lessons I am learning in my whole life. Stop. Stop trying so hard. Just stop.

RIGHT NOW: I am teasing my INTENTION and determination apart from the rajasic pushing and pulling and reaching for the goal all the time. Sadhana (spiritual discipline) is offered, not actions driven or calculating. Certainly the guru knows what should happen in what order, for how long, etc. If I stop pushing, I can follow her lead in this way, and learn from it.

How? How to be dedicated without believing in the duality of rajas?

RIGHT NOW: I am learning that any and all progress is GRACE. It is always grace.

The world of God is beauty
The world of grace is
enchantment

When I used to wonder why "advanced" forms of attainment, (like recognizing the consciousness of the Self in the form of prakasha, or all this light around me, etc.), seemed to come immediately and so easily to me. My ego would grasp at this "attainment" every time and try to figure out what it meant about me (I'm gifted, I'm extra smart, etc. ..... ?

I often thought that perhaps I must be picking up from a level of attainment in a previous life.

Perhaps this is also true. But just in the last few days, I have become very clear... THE EXPLANATION IS THIS:

GRACE.

When I can, it's grace. When I see, it's grace. Understand? Kriyas and nadas and the blue pearl?? GRACE.

Attainment? GRACE. Always.

I cannot move up through Shree Maya's contraction, the concealing aspect of divine action, holding the world here at the culmination of the 32 tattvas (stages of contraction of God's consciousness into the manifest world). I must have grace, the revealing aspect of God, to expand even the slightest amount. Grace unfolds as expansion up through the tattvas, in my consciousness. When I can reach and maintain the the awareness of the Supreme Lord Paramashiva, I will have achieved liberation.

Because of grace.

Thank you, _______. Your grace is a priceless gift beyond any reckoning, comparison or measure.

All has changed! As someone who loves to achieve change, this is so exhilarating (ha ha!).

I am surrounded by a
world and an ocean of
perfect grace

Just last week, if I thought (in so many different ways), "Oh, don't slip.... push harder to stay on course... you'll "go back to sleep," you'll miss the opportunity of this moment if you don't keep trying, pushing, going for it. You will lose this gift, this opportunity..."

WRONG. Now, for the first time in my life, I am seeing that awareness is important, focusing my consciousness makes the difference, mindfulness of the moment is a high practice required to reach the goal....

.... BUT I stop right away now when my mind tells me I'm "messing things up," and I feel fear.

This is contraction. This is creating rajas and tamas and karma.

When I don't know what to do, I can choose the freedom of karma yoga. I can perform the actions without claiming the fruits of the action. Lord Krishna will be right there with me in choosing karma yoga as the way out of the pushing and grasping of my mind.

To listen to Lord Krishna's divine
flute is to be enchanted
and led by grace

Thank you, Beloved Krishna, my heart's delight!! You the Lord of true freedom, of maha (great) yoga, of cosmic playfulness and love. I rest my head in devotion on your lotus feet, and offer my worship of your divine love forever.

And so, for the first time in my life, I can choose to be truly free. Truly free! To enjoy where I am, and be amazed by grace and grace and grace in every moment. I do not have to do anything with the grace, apply it just right, contain it or direct it or stretch it out... to make up for my limited, flawed and unworthy nature.

Grace is perfect. Accept the gift, and listen...


To learn the yoga of grace I must GET OUT OF THE WAY.


My ego is severely alarmed by this, ha ha...

My true nature is already here, one hundred percent. Eternal, perfect, worthy in every way. And I get to experience the gift of grace, and the wonderful path of becoming established in this experience of God as my inner Self, just as it is unfolding, just as it is directed by my guru.

All is well. No worries. (Wow...)

Thank you God, who is Paramashiva. I see you all around me as living light. I hear you as divine sounds from the inner world of ALL. I feel you as bliss, the . Because of grace. Always grace. Only grace.

PRANAM.

O divine your lotus feet
the font of your unending grace

Practice of dharana

My mind is so quiet, I notice it as soon as it revs up over something. I choose to focus in again on the inner silence, where the Self as the inner flame does not waver, where my mind becomes steady, and can take its rest.

This is what I call "eyes open meditation." (It rocks).

"O my mind, take thy rest..."

When it is time to sit for meditation, immediately my mind says "I don't want to."

I contemplate this very familiar response from a slightly different perspective, one that I've been using a lot this week, with excellent results. I ask myself: What could possibly be better than spending time with my Beloved, the Supreme Lord, here in the temple of my heart?

By taking the help of this simple question, I focus expanded, compassionate and divinely loving consciousness on the contracted and fearful consciousness in my mind, and watch as it dissolves away.

This is an example of the practice of dharana (concentration), which makes use of the power of consciousness to transform consciousness.

What could possibly be better than spending time
 with my Beloved, the Supreme Lord,
here in the temple of my heart?

Om guru jaya guru om gurudev...

Quiet and still

Shiva and Shakti are One

Still profoundly quiet and still.

It feels like I've always been so... inside.

"Too close, you're in my
space," says my ego
to God

God is so huge, so powerful and ALL.... and somehow so much closer than CLOSE....that pondering Him while in duality... is just plain freaky!

"Too close, you're in my space," says my ego to God... (ha!)

I need a mercy merge. (Okay, enough joking...)

God is so much more than a concept. More than an afterthought... (Oh look, God is here too...).

God is here.

I'm finding you again (and again), but it's very different this time. You're super real, you're really here. You're everywhere.

Wow, God has been RIGHT HERE all this time?!? (The mind boggles...)

It feels like a time when I thought I was alone, then realized someone had been near all along, so that my mind kind of freaks and immediately goes over everything I did to see if I should be embarrassed.

Exactly like that.

Funny ego.

Shiva and Parvati... (and Nandiji)
Art by Vrindavan Das

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~

PS The smell of rain in the desert, the breath of the divine as a living perfume, one of the finest of my Beloved's gifts to me in this moment. Thank you...

Desert rain

Sat·chit·ananda

Last Night...

I was sitting in the parking lot at Wally's last night, and I somehow got more than a slight glimpse...

Everything around me is living, active consciousness. Including me.

Because I am made from supreme consciousness, Paramashiva is experiencing this moment as "me."

It seems that most everything my mind thinks is real is simply something it has thought up, and relates to as reality. The past, for instance, doesn't exist (there is only now).

Shree Maya (the concealing aspect of God) makes this extravaganza of multiplicity seem real.

And if that is true, then everything in this moment is made only from consciousness. Because, "real" solid things don't usually dissolve and arise from second to second, do they?

I am always wondering, is consciousness contracted into the "real," solid forms around me, or is the consciousness making it seem like they are real and solid, and giving me the experience of being and interacting with the solid forms?

God is sat chit ananda (being consciousness bliss), and everything is made from God. So everything is consciousness. Everything is created in the moment, from consciousness.

Later...

A profound calm and stillness pervades my being. My mind comes to a rest, similar to meditation. According to the guru's words, my mind comes to rest in the heart, which is where the Supreme Lord lives as me.

The next day...

Still profoundly quiet. It is like my mind is spontaneously coming to rest in meditation, eyes open (or closed). I have to think for a minute before I can start a thought process about what I am doing.

Best is when I am not doing. Just sitting.

This is a wonderful, profound spiritual experience.

(Thank you, guruji...)

Burning the karma of pushing

Tree rings*

It's official, I am very contracted. I just sit like a blob! Sitting as still as I can seems to be my only desire. And I yawn constantly. This is very strange.

I pushed pushed pushed when I was soaring with constant and abundant grace. So now, I think I'm burning pushing, grasping, reaching (rajas). (And of course, also burning tamas "inertia," and attachment to sattva "purity").

Grace changes track, is teaching me about receiving grace without the impurities of limitations, created by my mind: "Growing spiritually means _____ and looks like this ______, etc."

I am so grateful to accept where I am. I choose to meditate, repeat mantra japa, perform puja and listen to the mantra anyway, even if I don't "feel it." I can find that familiar, comforting freedom in performing actions without being attached to the fruits (e.g. whether practices make me feel uplifted, how much, for how long, etc. etc.).

Years ago, when I hit a huge block in my meditation, I tried and tried and eventually gave up. All these years later, I have finally got going with regular meditation again.

I think my ego is taking advantage of my current contracted state to try to stop meditating again. And so, as I recognize that I am not where I was, I have compassionately pared my meditation down to a shorter period I can sit for everyday without reaching a point of frustration and wanting to quit.

I am determined. I am not fighting. No pushing or pulling.

I remember Bade Baba's hands, they are always open, no grasping, no pushing or pulling.

This time the ego will not win (said every yogi, ever...).

~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~

*Tree Rings by Arnoldius (Own work (selbst erstelltes Foto)) [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons

Grace teaches me

"Even a great soul faces difficulties, but he does not take them personally. Generally people take problems too personally by identifying closely with them.”

~ Gurudeva, Satguru Sivaya Subramuniyaswami (Himalayan Academy)




Grace is teaching me. 

I am learning that even a moment of transcendence requires grace, and that all transcendence consists of grace. 

I am presented over and over with the opportunity to view this moment as the next wave in an ocean of endless waves (arise and dissolve...). 

If I reach out to grasp (push away or pull toward), I slow to take on baggage, i.e. the karma of believing this is happening to me, (of investing in dualism as reality). I also slow the inevitable "up and over" and on to the next inevitable wave.

If I say yes to the moment, and reach only for grace, then everything but grace dissolves (arise and dissolve...)

I pray for the miracle of grace, for the focus and willingness to learn and be blessed in every moment.

All attainment is in my guru and the supreme guru who is Paramashiva. (Thank you...)

A chap book of my life of darshans

A CHAP BOOK OF MY LIFE OF DARSHANS: Last night I was in a very peculiar mood. It was like a waking dream. I was drifting through the desires of my heart...

The dream about the goal posts in winter...

The strange hunger when I looked at the iridescent white shell face of my watch...

The steady hum of the engine and the tires of our car as we drifted through the night, as like a little bundle I curled on the floor in the darkness of the back seat where the humming sounds and vibrations and the heater's insistent warmth sent me INWARD in the most profound peacefulness (of OM...)

All the kitties...

Jennifer N____ and ______'s Earth Things. The little bookshop with a book called "Grapefruit" by Yoko Ono. The Cosmic ______, the Indian bedspreads, the books about the world I dreamed of, and still thought was outside me...

The Waterhouse print "Ladie of Shallot," half-sick of shadows and madly awaiting a glimpse of the real world... (ever ready to release the chain holding my little boat to the shore on my bedroom wall, and float away to it...)

Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings...

The wind in the treetops at night... The silent stag in the garden at midnight... The dark, eternally wild presence outside the light of the shrinking campfire.

Christmas magic, music and snow, and lights and lights (and the sweet chocolates stolen from the back corner of my parents' closet)...

(The ooooooooo feeling of darshan through the little gap in the doors of) ...the cold-tiled, rarified, completely still and silent world of the baptismal font...

_______ Grove Park, the paths and the wild trees, the stone bridge, the remembered fountain... all of this magic, at night mine...

A LIFETIME OF DARSHANS... The intense nostalgia... the perfect vantage of everything... All inside me now... all of this lifetime of longing. 

There is no outside, no separation from God... There is only One, the One without second.

There is only....

ONE.

My Beloved.

(The me that never forgets...)

The Lady of Shalott by John William Waterhouse

My 200th post

Only We know that my clothes are 

layered as robes of saffron, 
that under my hair, 
my shaved head pales. 

True, upon this hip rests 
my begging bowl, invisible, 
ever filled with guru's grace.

I have renounced all
that I once carried:
the tare weight of delusion
the ferried weight of the world
all dissolved back into You.

We peek out from Your pocket...
I am everywhere !!

~ jnana shiva ~

~  Celebrating my 200th post  ~

When I was a girl

St Theresa of Avila

"If you will try to live in the presence of GOD for one year, you will see yourself at the end of it at the height of perfection, without your even knowing it." ~ St. Theresa of Avila

I am being taught a lesson about grace. I am being taught by when it "leaves," and by when it "returns."

When grace is gone and I am floundering, I face again the obsessions and delusions of my unpurified mind, which is subject to the three malas and the contraction of Chit Shakti in her role as Shree Maya (the active form of the Lord, Paramashiva's consciousnesswho holds the consciousness of all in contraction, the entire universe, and the illusion of multiplicity).

When grace returns, I notice instantly, and I am reminded of the number one question that I have right now: How can I receive and be aligned with grace in every moment? What should I do when it is "gone," i.e. wait? Take action?

It is an illusion that the source of grace is separate from me. But if the illusion reigns, then I am held back from my life in God.

St Therese of Lisieux

"I can nourish myself on nothing but truth." ~ St. Therese of Lisieux

One way of describing my new life is that I have chosen to make focusing on God and receiving guru's grace the highest priority of my life and the most important activities of every day. The results were immediate and dramatic, but I am really a beginner at discipline.

I have renounced the things that are in the way of my new life of living fully for God. It is fairly easy to keep my day free of unnecessary social or career obligations and clutter. To live simply, dress simply. To shine the love light of my guru's shakti from my heart to others I meet during my day.

But discipline is something new. I have avoided discipline to "make up" for my soul being so lost out in the hot desert of delusion and malnourished by obsessions.

Her years as a Indian
"wandering" sadhvi are
measured by her jata
(long locks)

I am struggling. I get stuck in dualism. I believe my fear when it tells me I must struggle, struggle harder to make up for my own lack in a situation, or that I will fail, or lose my "foolish" bid to live fully for God.

This is all based on the illusion that I am separate from God, that my creator isn't inside of my being as me (I finally understand, Baba...).

The most important thing is that I don't give up. In the past the wheel of my life would turn on its way and I would get lost in other things down the road, then finally return to try again.

I have prayed fervently that this time, this attempt to find and get about "my Father's business," will not stop. I have promised myself I would not lose track and spin onward AGAIN.

Now now now... God is now.

Sadhvis
(most likely widows)

At first this was enough, choosing God now and not slipping back tomorrow or next week. I made progress, found myself freed from many past obsessions and illusions. I notice ego instantly and do not jump on board with it. I test contracted thinking and find it often disappears, POOF.

Then I found myself freed up from my decades long compulsion to keep my head in the computer. Wow, something really different! But, I didn't know what to do instead. I didn't have a structure or discipline. I foundered. It felt as though I had lost all the ground I gained.

I noticed a part of my mind that whispered: "It isn't such a big deal. You did a lot. Just relax now. It's okay to back off a bit on your goal. Living for God, isn't that a bit much? Well, okay, but you can still do that and relax too, can't you?"

I have heard this little internal voice before, I don't know why it is there. I want to WANT to live for God. This voice doesn't want to live for anything except the moment. It is the voice of addiction. Give up everything for the obsession of being made whole and happy by something "external." DELUSION.

A female renunciant, called a sadhini or sadhvi

Am I really in a battle with this old part of me? She's whipped my ass several times over. But I am determined, and am bringing everything to bear on this, because IT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE.

When I was a girl, if someone asked (no one did) me what I wanted to be, I would have said, "a nun... or a playboy centerfold." Seriously. I remember thinking that. Because I remember thinking that God had given me a big scar on my stomach to keep me from going the way of sin.

Then I found out Mormons don't have nuns. I was crushed. I mean, really really disappointed.

Actress Deepti Navala plays a sadhvi
on a television soap opera

I have over the years, in my twenties, thirties, forties and now my fifties, asked myself over and over: "What is the purpose of my life?" I didn't have an answer. But I remember one time, (when I was relaxing in the bubble tub at my home away from home, Kiva Retreat in Santa Cruz, CA), I considered, maybe the purpose of my life is to seek God.

Sadhvi Abha Saraswati
is a sadhvi or nun in an
established order of monks

Immediately I was thrilled to the core. I pictured my entire life as a path from "now" to God. What could be better???

I never forgot this, but I couldn't picture how to accomplish it. Like when I was a teen, and wanted so badly to disappear into the Bible, or The Lord of the Rings. Someplace where the desires of the heart actually happened. Because I yearned so much for Jesus, but the yearning never translated into my life. Jesus was somewhere else, someplace I could not go.

That is the experience of a soul who wants to live their life in God, but has not had shaktipat.

Well, I've had shaktipat. And I have endured a great deal to get through all that was in the way of my current life and calling.

Guru my Guru.... Guru Paramashiva.... show me the way. I am alone, there is no ashram or sangham as my support environment. I am surrounded by the world, and my values are now completely different from those around me.

I find the guru in my heart.

But I also think... it is time to send a letter to the physical guru.

Jaya Mahadevis!
Durga center, Lakshmi left,
Saraswati right

Mantra is the very form of God

A selection from the blog: "Q and A with Mohanji" regarding Mantra Japa

Mohanji

"When the [times create] restlessness, it tests the talent of even the most consistent spiritual seeker. This is natural. Meditations and practices (sadhana) will become difficult. On one side the looming cloud of tamas which constantly push one to “sleep a little while longer”, and on the other side, the lack of environmental support. Mind really sways. Many give up. Many will become disillusioned. Many change their Gurus, imagining that it is because of their Guru that they are suffering!

The best recommended practice during such time is Japa Yoga, or the Yoga of Chants (chanting of the Lord's name).

Lord Krishna and almost all the great masters who walked on earth have acknowledged the importance of Japa yoga. “Among the various types of Yajna, (A ritual or sacrifice into fire, which consists of chants (Manthras) and materials), I am the Yajna or Japa,” said the Avatar Krishna in Gita.

Mohanji

[Bhagavad] Gita also emphasizes on the importance of chanting “which destroys all afflictions, sins and sufferings.” Patanjali instructs that Japa must be done for prolonged period without interruption so that we become one with the chant and this should be done with deep reverence and respect. Japa is the very form of God. Perfection can be attained by chanting the Divine name. In this context, I remember the great Saint Valmiki – the transformation of the hunter Ratnakara to Sage Valmiki! He attained the highest possible state of spiritual elevation and total transformation (metamorphosis) by just chanting the name of the Lord Rama and thus becoming one with the name.

Mohanji

Constitutional change can happen when we become one with the name of the Lord. God is the subtlest of the subtlest. In that context, even the name is gross. But, the name itself can be considered as the form of God, where the sound is the form. The sound “OM” can be considered the form of God because God is formless or all forms.
The name itself can be considered as the form of God, where the sound is the form. The sound “OM” can be considered the form of God because God is formless or all forms...

Khwaja Moinuddin Chisti said that “If you rub the mirror of your heart with the name of God, You will see the God’s effulgence reflected on it”. Beautiful!

Bhagawan Ramana Maharshi

Bhagawan Ramana Maharshi said “Mantra is a channel of shifting current of thoughts. Mantra is a bund or dam put up to divert the water where it is needed. Japa is clinging to one thought to the exclusion of all other thoughts, that is the purpose of Japa. It leads to dhyana (meditation) which ends in Self-Realization.”

Bhagawan Nithyananda of Ganesh Puri says “Japa is a means. Very easy as well as highly efficacious. Through japa sadhana, the vibration thus created, the body gets cleansed and by that the mind also becomes pure and Divine. Continuous Japa will result in nada-upasana and such a state will help to reach the state of Self-Realization”. 

Here, Bhagawan talks about the cellular level purification due to the vibration created by chanting. Since body and mind are integrally connected, cleansing happens in the body also cleanses the mind, so on and so forth. Sincere Japa with a steady mind on the sound and the Lord, will ensure an all-round cleansing. This is the most effective practice possible in turbulent times.

Saint Teresa of Avila found completeness “when each breath began to silently say the name of my Lord”.

Eknath

Eknath said "Remembrance is liberation. Forgetfulness is regression. Utterance of the name is essential devotion."