Alone inside as a child, strange on the outside. So afraid I was broken and would always be alone. Fighting this isolation all of my life.
Risking hell to embrace drugs and alcohol, "I need this." Smoking marijuana released the fear of being alone, and spinning into madness. My terror of leaving the nest as a teenager. Making a man my "world." The Lady of Shallot, Tennyson, delusion (Gurumayi). Trying to find where I finally fit in the world by trying so many things, sometimes accompanied by a desperate, violent stripping away of whole parts of myself, so sad.
There is no "reality" to be connected with, to finally live in.
All of this seeking has saturated me with delusion and burdened me with karma. I have engaged all of my being in a quest which is entirely based upon seeking the fruits of my actions. I cherished the belief that an unshakable commitment to this very certain sort of seeking is what would lead me to finally "finding my life," no longer waiting off somewhere apart were I was dying a little every day, my spirit shrinking little by little.
I finally used up my shrinking resources trying to seek an outside source for them, seeking a mythic life that gave more than it took... and sat down on the roadside to wait. All I could do was nurse my dying hope, and wait. My light became so dim, would it finally burn out? It was only from this place that my attempt at suicide seemed like a solution, to trade a hopeless life in on whatever might be next.
I have believed that my life is happening to me. I have been saddled with the burden and debt of karma. The belief in suffering which must be laid aside. The illusion of suffering that must be healed and undone.
When I heard this, the avalanche began. Or perhaps it had already started, maybe even just tipping slowly, until... But now it has begun to flow, to unravel, to build, to dream, to become. Exhilarating, dynamic liberation well under way. What I have wanted all of my life. In exactly the opposite place where I spent my whole life looking for it.
I prayed right away when I felt it speeding up, and the freedom that opened in my like a flame suddenly lit. Gurumayi, God... please don't let this be something I have to learn about, to attain later. Not this time. I need this. I need it to be real, and not go away.
I am so lucky!!!!!! My Guru is indeed the wish-fulfilling tree. I looked up, opened my arms and prayed mightily. And it seems that last arc inward into liberation became what I am.
I am not afraid.
I am alone, and that is fine. God and I are one, there is no other. I grieve the many lifetimes of living I have taken, thinking I was separate, living as play for God, my beloved. I grieve a little every minute, every hour. I am saying goodbye.
I am not afraid.
I am strange, and that's okay. I cannot be killed, I cannot fail. There is nothing I must avoid or embrace. By stepping back into God, silent, stillness, velvety bliss and the hum of love seeking form, I let go of illusion, let go of fear, let go of suffering, let go of the three malas, the three qualities, the illusion of time and space. There is only God.
Oh, when I think of it, I grieve. Farewell, my incarnations. My story, the one I thought was happening to me, is being written on the last few pages in the last chapter. Farewell to so much story, so much that was fragrant, sensuous, delightful and free. Farewell to the thought that I could be made of something that is subject to time and space, someone who must struggle with all the challenges of having a body and a "small I" consciousness.
For a few hours, this new place began to fade, and I began to slip back. No, I said. I will not let go. My Guru offers this to me, she is the one that holds it in my being... as long as I continue to choose to live in the truth as much as I am able. My Guru, my Guru... I cannot repay your love and grace, both so much more than in all of my lifetimes.
Om Guru Om. My Guru is one with Shiva, the supreme Guru. I find myself in Him, who lives inside. I am dissolving into God. Bliss, bliss... love and bliss.