I was always amazed when I first came to my Gurumayi (and my Karmapa) and could "easily" become the seer, rather than the seen. The still one who observes, rather than the doer. I thought so very much discipline would have to happen between that and where I am now. This is not the case.
Burning, simply burning. My Guru has purified me. It was been the raging fires of hell, so much karma offered to the fire. All I have gathered and clutched to myself as dust and rust has become the fuel for burning and burning and burning. I have fallen down the rabbit hole several times in this lifetime. Multiple lifetimes together in one.
I have been several things, lived several lives. And all of these were the same in the ways that are important. They were painful. The pain stripped me clean over and over. I had squeeze through "tragedy" as tiny tunnels with no exit, no stops, only forward... only the faith in a light at the other end. I have emerged so much lighter, so less attached to what happens around me.
Over and over I tried to create a life with me in it. Never happened. I would picture myself as the person who __________. I would live as that person. Talk about my experience as though I were that person. But it was all in my head. Nothing real.
I began to suspect I had chosen this sort of life so I wouldn't get lost. So I could try and try and try and then finally give up on having the sort of life others around me seemed to be having. A life that happened to them.
And I have made the connection with my terror of being alone. I was afraid as a child that I would be alone, that I would never connect with others (high-functioning autism). Now I am finally letting this fear and obsession go. I am not trying to create or have a life. Life is consciousness, it swirls around me. I am alone. There is only One. This makes today completely different than before. I am on wholly new ground.
And so I have offered these finally to the fire, the fear of being alone, and the obsession with having a "real" life.
Immediately my Guru opened a door, THE DOOR. As soon as I felt this new place I immediately prayed that it would not be taken away. Please, no, don't show me then make me grow up to it, as is so often the case. I prayed this prayer to her over and over.
And... my new experience has not gone away. I am so grateful, and I say thank you over and over.
Gurumayi gently reminds me when I float away (I'm always floating on my double Cancer nature). She beckons each time with little flickers of my new reality, and each time I choose it again, getting stronger.
She knows, that it is time. And I see that I am ready, because I agree. I am doing the work. I am committed. I'm not wandering off ever again. EVER. I have become something new.
This is a fine understanding of why the Guru makes the almost impossible possible, as a gift. She has prepared me for it, so that I can accept and hold it. And she holds me up as I wobble about with this new state.
The state of my Guru. The state of Lord Krishna. The state of my beloved Paramashiva.
And so I sit down to my blog to record my new understanding.
I see now that the purpose of creation is to allow my soul, made from God, to experience all that leads me away from God... all that which sparkles, golden and deep and fragile and touching and terrifying and dull... all made from the exquisite source of all this terrible beauty. GOD. Then, the penultimate point in a soul's travels, having experienced so much, is to turn at last back to God, to what is real.
I have taken a life, and have invested myself in it. And the path "away" from God, from experiencing my true self, is the set up for returning. This is the purpose of life, and of creation. To return to myself.
(This is something only God can pull off.)
Now, starting today, I can choose over and over again to hold my shakti, to not invest it in maya and illusion. There is only One. That is me. Om nama shivaya. Om guru om. Soham. All the rest is neti. Neti, neti, neti.